Why is forgiveness so hard?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Obsidion
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
O

Obsidion

Guest
Lately I’ve been really struggling with forgiving people from my past. I’m getting so frustrated with how I keep going around in a circle on these issues. Just when I think I’ve forgiven someone and moved on, those feelings of anger and resentment come back to torture me again. I had such a hard time sleeping last night as the devil kept reminding me of painful memories from my past. It seriously drives me insane how I can’t forget these people and move on in my heart.
Why is forgiveness such a hard virtue to embrace? The very thing that Christ died for is the very thing that I can never seem to totally master. Does anyone have any thoughts?
 
Praying for those you can’t forgive is a powerful way. Many years ago I asked a priest “what can I do if I can’t forgive”…"Don’t recite the “Our Father”…That was enough for me…With God’s grace I began to forgive and with forgivness came bad memory…
Pray for them and give your feelings of anger and resentment to Jesus and He will give you His peace.
I will be praying for you
 
Obsidion said:
Lately I’ve been really struggling with forgiving people from my past. I’m getting so frustrated with how I keep going around in a circle on these issues. Just when I think I’ve forgiven someone and moved on, those feelings of anger and resentment come back to torture me again. I had such a hard time sleeping last night as the devil kept reminding me of painful memories from my past. It seriously drives me insane how I can’t forget these people and move on in my heart.
Why is forgiveness such a hard virtue to embrace? The very thing that Christ died for is the very thing that I can never seem to totally master. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Click to expand...
I can relate! I have a history of abuse and forgiveness has been a challenge. Here are a few random thoughts…
  • Forgiveness is a process, not necessarily a one-time event. It is something that happens one layer at a time. One of my abusers has been more difficult to forgive than others. I forgive him “fully” and feel I have taken care of things. Eventually, a new memory surfaces or a flashback hits me and I start over. I forgive him for the new layer of hurt. This has happened dozens of times. I have come to accept it. I can only forgive the memories, hurts, and feelings that I am aware of. As long as I keep moving towards forgiveness, I feel I am doing what God wishes.
  • Pray for those you need to forgive. It works wonders at softening your heart. I find it essential to the process. I pray that he has a good life and happiness. I pray that his life is transformed.
  • Don’t fight the memories or try to push them away. Let them flow past you and keep reminding yourself that they are from the past. You made it through the reality, so you can make it through the memories. Trying to squelch them just delays things.
  • Perhaps Satan is reminding you, but I don’t think so myself. Our memories and pain was so great that our mind protected us from them. When we gain strength and readiness to confront them, they come forward. Look at this as a positive, however painful it is. It is a step towards recovery. Pray for strength.
  • Remember that your forgiveness does not release them of responsibility. It releases you from the pain. It releases ultimate judgment of the person to God. It enables you to start living in the present instead of the past.
  • Seek professional help. It is hard to find the right therapist, but it can be done. Hang in there!
Feel free to PM me if you would like to share more personally. God bless!
 
^ +1
Obsidion said:
Lately I’ve been really struggling with forgiving people from my past. I’m getting so frustrated with how I keep going around in a circle on these issues. Just when I think I’ve forgiven someone and moved on, those feelings of anger and resentment come back to torture me again. I had such a hard time sleeping last night as the devil kept reminding me of painful memories from my past. It seriously drives me insane how I can’t forget these people and move on in my heart.
Why is forgiveness such a hard virtue to embrace? The very thing that Christ died for is the very thing that I can never seem to totally master. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Forgiveness is difficult because there isn’t a step-by-step list on how it is done. Have you tried talking to a close friend or mentor about the anger and resentment? Sometimes we (as humans) just need to explain it to someone else to understand why we keep holding on to it.
 
chefmomster2 said:
I can relate! I have a history of abuse and forgiveness has been a challenge. Here are a few random thoughts…
  • Forgiveness is a process, not necessarily a one-time event. It is something that happens one layer at a time. One of my abusers has been more difficult to forgive than others. I forgive him “fully” and feel I have taken care of things. Eventually, a new memory surfaces or a flashback hits me and I start over. I forgive him for the new layer of hurt. This has happened dozens of times. I have come to accept it. I can only forgive the memories, hurts, and feelings that I am aware of. As long as I keep moving towards forgiveness, I feel I am doing what God wishes.
  • Pray for those you need to forgive. It works wonders at softening your heart. I find it essential to the process. I pray that he has a good life and happiness. I pray that his life is transformed.
  • Don’t fight the memories or try to push them away. Let them flow past you and keep reminding yourself that they are from the past. You made it through the reality, so you can make it through the memories. Trying to squelch them just delays things.
  • Perhaps Satan is reminding you, but I don’t think so myself. Our memories and pain was so great that our mind protected us from them. When we gain strength and readiness to confront them, they come forward. Look at this as a positive, however painful it is. It is a step towards recovery. Pray for strength.
  • Remember that your forgiveness does not release them of responsibility. It releases you from the pain. It releases ultimate judgment of the person to God. It enables you to start living in the present instead of the past.
  • Seek professional help. It is hard to find the right therapist, but it can be done. Hang in there!
Feel free to PM me if you would like to share more personally. God bless!
Click to expand...
Best advice, though its very hard to do at first, but you will see a change in yourself if you allow it to happen.
 
My dear friend,

I know what you mean. You need to forgive yourself, to undergo an inner sort of healing. It is not that you cannot forgive the others. Nothing is stopping this with you, and you want to. You know it. So, why can’t you. Resentment eats at you. You pray for the others and forgiveness will start and progress. It will. You need to forgive yourself mostly. You are not to blame, but either way sh?! Happens you know. You need, and this will sound strange, to forgive God too. People blame God most oft. Tell God you are sorry for not letting go of this pain by holding him responsible, even though He isn’t. You are punishing yourself. Stop punishing yourself, and maybe God? You are punishing those that hurt you by your pain. But you are only hurting yourself. Forgive God, forgive the others by praying for them, and forgive yourself because no matter what you are not responsible. And the need you have to punish others with pain and suffering for the offences is only hurting you. Stop punishing yourself. Hope this helps. I will pray for you, remember me too please.
 
I had a similar experience and learned a lot about forgiveness.

I had a big argument with one of my closest friends, we ended up not talking to each other and basically not forgiving in each other in the process. We did not communicate for almost a year. Until one day after mass, God was tugging at my heart strings telling me its time to forgive her for the sake of my entry into marriage. Me and my fiancé (husband now) wanted to make things right in the eyes of God, we have been through dark places and wanted to make a good first step to this lifelong sacrament.

I plucked up the courage to message her (she is in another country) and ask for her forgiveness, I saw her anger and it hurt me. It hurt me really bad, I cried during work because she was calling me mean names and just taking this in as if its s requirement for me to get married. She said she forgave me, half heartedly. I tried to shake it off with a lot of prayer and tears and just telling myself that the ball is in her court, if she is going to take it that way then its on her.

Almost a year in our marriage, I have already moved passed the emotions and accepted the fact that we may not be friends anymore. Which proved me wrong…lo and behold, I get a long message from her asking me to forgive her for what she did and said and she wants me to be a part of her life again. I accepted and we are closer than before, that flaw in our friendship made us understand each other more.

What’s my point in all this? Its always easier said than done, but the first step of forgiving someone is to forgive yourself for hurting another person. Once you have accepted that fact, you have now to own to your own mistake and ask for forgiveness no matter what their reaction maybe, just make sure that you are asking for forgiveness out of your own free will and that you forgive them if they say or do something mean to you. Forgiveness is a process, its not easy. God gives you a conscience, a tugging force to forgive and ask for forgiveness, you have to be open to that and know that God loves you despite of your faults. And because of that grace, it brings you to confession and eventually to talk to the person you have hurt and put the ball in their court so to speak.

People who have hurt you its a big deal, if you break a plate, say sorry to it, it does not go back to being a full plate, its already broken. Pray to St. Michael and to our Lady and ask for their intercession to remove these thoughts as you already recognized that it is not of God.

May God bless you.
 
Obsidion said:
Lately I’ve been really struggling with forgiving people from my past. I’m getting so frustrated with how I keep going around in a circle on these issues. Just when I think I’ve forgiven someone and moved on, those feelings of anger and resentment come back to torture me again. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Click to expand...
hello the chruch group i belong to has found that the teaching-of- prayers that heal the heart does work

or a quick wway- is to say my -inner man spirit man- forgives these people-- becasue you are being obedient to Jesus-- and now it is the Holy Spirit’s work to complete this.

Prayers that Heal the Heart - Mark Virkler on “Its Supernatural”

youtu.be/Z_wU1D4Efgk

Dr. Mark Virkler from Communion With God Ministries teaches on the 7 Prayers That Heal The Heart.
 
I have found that forgiveness seems to come in cycles. So we forgive at one, perhaps less deep level, and then have to forgive again. For example: I was physically assaulted during a race riot eons ago. I forgave the individuals to some extend, but was still afraid of them. Then I had to forgive them for my sense of fear that resulted from the original attack. I continued to have to attend school with these people for three years.

By the third year I learned that I had to deal with my own issues of bigotry before I could truly forgive because I harbored ill fillings toward them just based on racial issues and I had failed to recognize that I was even guilty of having those feelings. So, in short it takes time to forgive, maybe because we have to deal with what was done as well as our own nature regarding the incident in question. Also, we might forgive but forgetting is another matter all together.

I have found that forgiveness is very freeing and enlightening. Perhaps it is the enlightening part that we really fear and don’t want to deal with. Forgiveness is not an instant event for most of us, except for the grace of God. Our own sinful nature gets in the way and we have to face all aspects of the issue at hand, that we feel needs forgiving.
 
As someone who has struggled with this, all I can offer are things that pertain to me and what I’ve learned in my struggles with forgiveness. They may apply to you, they may not. I will say that it is hard for anyone to forgive because you have to confront something painful and it is easy to want to avoid it.

It is a process as many have said, but I find that each time I re-visit it, I get better and better. But it is a slow process. Insights that have helped me:
  1. Often we don’t want to heal because it means giving up control. If I don’t have that one incident to remind someone of, then I loose leverage. This makes me feel vulnerable.
  2. You want something from the other person that, due to human limitedness, you cannot rightly expect. Understanding that only God is perfect and that only he can be all things to you helps in being accepting of others’ failings. I can’t expect some people to listen to me without judgment, so guess what, I don’t tell them my deepest darkest secrets, I just enjoy that person for the good qualities they have to offer. If I can’t expect them to respect my feelings, thenI don’t share my feelings with them.
  3. The other person doesn’t change as a result of the forgiveness but you do. In other words the other person could potentially do the same crummy stuff. It helps to get away from the initial cause of the hurt for a while so you can heal. If you have allergies, it isn’t going to help to walk into a field of hay. In the same way, if someone’s behavior hurts you, you can’t deal with it better until you get away from the person for a while. For me, this meant I had to get serious about setting some boundaries even if it meant avoiding family reunions and being honest with others about why (constant criticism and negativity). You may have to let a friendship go or two.
  4. You’ve internalized the attitudes that the person who hurt you had. For instance, I was mad at someone who always made comments about how fat I was. True forgiveness couldn’t come until I rethought my judgements upon myself and accepted the fact that I may be, indeed, chubby. But you know what? Who cares? So in forgiveness, sometimes you have to surrender to change and not only confront the person but the attitudes within yourself that cause the hurt. If a sibling always criticized you, you may find that you have to try to understand and change yourself into a person that doesn’t value other people’s opinions so highly. Oh, and change is hard.
  5. Only God truly heals. I prayed for forgiveness for years, but until I went on a week long retreat it was hard to find the intense focus and freedom from distraction to truly be united with God in prayer in order to surrender my grief. If you have time/resources for a week long retreat that could do wonders. If that’s not available try doing eucharistic adoration on a regular basis and just give yourself time to heal.
  6. We are often trained to repress our emotions with mental attitudes. Rather than “venting” or “rationalizing/explaining” with a counselor sometimes we just need to feel our emotions in silence and solitude. Rather than pushing them out of the way or trying to control them, sometimes it is better to acknowledge that they are there and understand what we can learn from them. If you do go to a counselor try to find one that emphasizes affirmation and acceptance rather than someone who will try to “fix” you. I would steer clear of RET, DBT and other such approaches that use mental attitudes to heal emotional wounds. The only way an emotional wound can heal is through affirmation and acceptance (See the approaches of Conrad Baars which is rooted in Thomistic anthropology).
Sorry so long-winded. Hope it helps. I am sorry for what you have been through.
 
Valhk said:
^ +1

Forgiveness is difficult because there isn’t a step-by-step list on how it is done. Have you tried talking to a close friend or mentor about the anger and resentment? Sometimes we (as humans) just need to explain it to someone else to understand why we keep holding on to it.
Click to expand...
I have a wonderful mother who I talk to every day, and she’s the greatest counselor I could’ve ever asked for. She’s helped me tremendously in this area, and I thank God for it.
Part of my problem, though, is that I don’t like talking about my feelings to begin with. I tend to withhold a lot of my feelings for a lot of reasons- it’s just my personality, I don’t want to come across as negative/complaining, and I don’t want to be a burden to other people with my problems. Part of it comes from past experiences, when I did try to express my feelings, and I got burned or people criticized me for it, which made me hold them in even more. But like I said, I’m naturally really introverted, and therefore dislike talking about myself, let alone my feelings. Perhaps I’m wrong in thinking this, but I believe that 99% of the time, other people can’t help us solve our problems and we just have to take it up with God in order for them to be solved.
 
Forgiveness can be very hard because of the injustice and injury done to us and because of our pride – and because we are focused on our injured selves and not on how the other person has actually hurt himself more than he has hurt us. When we have difficulty forgiving our neighbor we must remember all the times we have offended God and have been forgiven by Him. We must remember Jesus on the Cross praying for his persecutors and saying: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. We must remember the parable of the man who would not forgive his neighbor’s debt to him after having been forgiven a much greater debt – he was cast into prison for his un-forgiveness. We must give our feelings of anger and un-forgiveness to Jesus at the foot of the Cross whenever they come back, and tell Jesus that we do not wish to reclaim them. Whenever feelings of un-forgiveness return to our mind we must just let them go and remember all the things we know about Jesus and all that we read in the Scriptures about forgiveness. God bless you.
 
ready said:
Forgiveness can be very hard because of the injustice and injury done to us and because of our pride – and because we are focused on our injured selves and not on how the other person has actually hurt himself more than he has hurt us. When we have difficulty forgiving our neighbor we must remember all the times we have offended God and have been forgiven by Him. We must remember Jesus on the Cross praying for his persecutors and saying: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. We must remember the parable of the man who would not forgive his neighbor’s debt to him after having been forgiven a much greater debt – he was cast into prison for his un-forgiveness. We must give our feelings of anger and un-forgiveness to Jesus at the foot of the Cross whenever they come back, and tell Jesus that we do not wish to reclaim them. Whenever feelings of un-forgiveness return to our mind we must just let them go and remember all the things we know about Jesus and all that we read in the Scriptures about forgiveness. God bless you.
Click to expand...
👍👍👍
 
Obsidion said:
Lately I’ve been really struggling with forgiving people from my past. I’m getting so frustrated with how I keep going around in a circle on these issues. Just when I think I’ve forgiven someone and moved on, those feelings of anger and resentment come back to torture me again. I had such a hard time sleeping last night as the devil kept reminding me of painful memories from my past. It seriously drives me insane how I can’t forget these people and move on in my heart.
Why is forgiveness such a hard virtue to embrace? The very thing that Christ died for is the very thing that I can never seem to totally master. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Matthew 18:21-22Douay-Rheims 1899 American Edition (DRA)

"Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, how often shall my brother offend against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Jesus saith to him: I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times."

With that being said you know that forgiveness is very important and that Christ never wants us to stop forgiving. Now I do understand your struggles, emotions can get in the way. I actually asked a similar question about forgiveness awhile back. Something I like to do to help me forgive, is to remind myself of all my sins, and how even though I have greatly offended God he still forgave me. I just remind myself that I would never want God to hold a grudge against me (which he does not, for his mercy is always available to those who seek it.) so therefor I will not do that to anyone. And we should be just as merciful!!! Remember, Christ set the example of how we should live our lives!
 
Obsidion said:
I have a wonderful mother who I talk to every day, and she’s the greatest counselor I could’ve ever asked for. She’s helped me tremendously in this area, and I thank God for it.
Part of my problem, though, is that I don’t like talking about my feelings to begin with. I tend to withhold a lot of my feelings for a lot of reasons- it’s just my personality, I don’t want to come across as negative/complaining, and I don’t want to be a burden to other people with my problems. Part of it comes from past experiences, when I did try to express my feelings, and I got burned or people criticized me for it, which made me hold them in even more. But like I said, I’m naturally really introverted, and therefore dislike talking about myself, let alone my feelings. Perhaps I’m wrong in thinking this, but I believe that 99% of the time, other people can’t help us solve our problems and we just have to take it up with God in order for them to be solved.
Click to expand...
Good! I understand completely your reasons for not expressing those feelings because I, myself, have those reasons. I’m sorry people burned you for expressing them, that should never be the case. And your not wrong in thinking that other people can’t help you solve the problems. You’re partially right. It is true people can’t solve your problems because it all comes down to your decision. I like talking to people about it because they always approach the problem from a different angle and help me to see it better (Mentors and Spiritually-mature peers). Sometimes God gives us words through people. True the words may not always be majestic, but if it drives you to act then they accomplished their purpose.
 
Tyler_Larew said:
Matthew 18:21-22Douay-Rheims 1899 American Edition (DRA)

"Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, how often shall my brother offend against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Jesus saith to him: I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times."

With that being said you know that forgiveness is very important and that Christ never wants us to stop forgiving. Now I do understand your struggles, emotions can get in the way. I actually asked a similar question about forgiveness awhile back. Something I like to do to help me forgive, is to remind myself of all my sins, and how even though I have greatly offended God he still forgave me. I just remind myself that I would never want God to hold a grudge against me (which he does not, for his mercy is always available to those who seek it.) so therefor I will not do that to anyone. And we should be just as merciful!!! Remember, Christ set the example of how we should live our lives!
Click to expand...
I tell myself that all the time too actually. But when I do that, I wind up turning my feelings of unforgiveness away from other people and place them all on myself instead, which unleashes a cycle of self-hatred and guilt. You see? I can’t win this battle of unforgiveness. If I’m not struggling with forgiving other people, I’m struggling with forgiving myself for all my sins. I know that God forgives me when I come to him and repent, but I can’t stop beating myself up over it. I try to view my feelings as motivation to not go back into sinning, which obviously is good. I do believe that guilt isn’t always a bad thing if it stops you from committing the same sins all over again. But it’s just the forgiving myself part that is next to impossible for me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top