Why is it so common for Catholic women to marry non-Catholic men?

[TK421]

So to rephrase, you’re saying that Catholic women are marrying relatively equal numbers of Catholic men, it’s just that these men’s only link to Catholicism is their baptism? And, since they declare themselves as adults to be religiously unaffiliated this skews the perception?

I’ve never studied the numbers on interfaith marriages myself, so I’m curious as to the OP’s understanding of what is common regarding the issue.

That would be my guess. An unorthodox Catholic man is more prone to be unaffiliated, or ‘Christian’ (but not in anyway active), or secular. An unorthodox Catholic woman is more prone to continue to be an active Catholic, albeit maybe irregularly. She just lives an inconsistent life and doesn’t care.

Orthodox Catholics marry outside of the Church too, but I think it’s a safe assumption that it’s much less frequent. Even if it’s with a devout protestant Christian, let’s face it: if you’re not Catholic, then I can personally no longer see a convincing reason to not be anti-Catholic. The Catholic Church teaches things about its role and its authority that, if not true, would be a very dire problem. There’s a reason that post-Reformation, Catholics and protestants usually lived in isolated ghettos depending on where they lived. That has gradually relaxed over the centuries, to the point of not mattering at all to many people, but a lot of that has to do with that fact that both contemporary Western protestants and contemporary Western Catholics are both too distracted with secular liberalism to give too much thought to the question of their origins, not because people from earlier generations were ignorant. If Martin Luther was right about the Catholic Church not holding the keys to protect souls and preserve the truth, it would have more or less made sense for him to behave as aggressively as he did.

Not that I want greater hostilities to return. I like the peace and the bridge-building, but you still can’t ignore that there are divides between protestant Christianity and Catholicism that simply cannot go away without forfeiting doctrine, no matter how much goodwill you show.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I am a Catholic woman and I would never have considered marrying outside the faith.

I’m also a Catholic woman, and there is not a Catholic man in the world for whom I’d trade my non-Catholic husband.

 

[Fusiontron]

I’ve observed this too. I think the split is 45-55. Of course being a guy, I don’t complain!

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I think you’ll find a variety of opinions on this.

Of course. Matters of the heart have considerations that are unique to each of us, though there are general themes and patterns that emerge.

Of course, this type of question always leads into conversations rife with hypothetical ultimatums.

They are not hypothetical. In my earlier years I’ve been told “I can’t date you.” by several women as soon as the issue of faith came up.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

@Xantippe and EasterJoy: you both raise a good point about familiarity being a possible hindrance to in-parish dating. Perhaps I ought to do recon missions to the parishes on the other side of town, ya think?

@lerapt, good for your Facebook group. I’m not on there so I won’t be taking a peek anytime soon but I still appreciate your efforts and your data.

 

[Xantippe]

“Xantippe and EasterJoy: you both raise a good point about familiarity being a possible hindrance to in-parish dating. Perhaps I ought to do recon missions to the parishes on the other side of town, ya think?”

Or the youth/singles group across town.

I don’t think it’s at all a coincidence that I met my husband at pretty much the first event of a group (a Catholic grad/young professional reading group) that I had ever attended.

Definitely be on the lookout for “the new girl” and give yourself opportunities to be “the new boy.” That probably explains a lot of your success with non-Catholic women.

Beyond romance, I think there are major social benefits to be reaped from befriending newcomers. It’s a lot easier to form relationships (romantic or friendly) with new people.

 

[EasterJoy]

@Xantippe and EasterJoy: you both raise a good point about familiarity being a possible hindrance to in-parish dating. Perhaps I ought to do recon missions to the parishes on the other side of town, ya think?

I would ask women in your parish who have “friend-zoned” you if they have ideas about where you can find Catholic women like them to date. Ask the one who acts the most like a sister to you. Do tell her that you’d love to date someone like her, but she seems to see you as more of a brother. (Who knows, you may be wrong. She may see you differently than you imagine! What a nice surprise that could be! )

One of these women may have friend to set you up with. They, as a group, may commiserate that they also do not know where to find Catholic men, which will at least help you to connect. Who knows, you may convince them and some of the other unmarried guys in the parish to go with you to singles events in your area as a group, so none of you show up as “loners.” They may also, having been asked, have ideas for you that they wouldn’t presume to raise without being asked. (That mustache that you think is really attractive? It looks like a dead rodent, Brother.) If you are really lucky, they may have friends in other parishes that they have been dying to set you up with, but didn’t because they didn’t want to be busybodies.

I suggest venturing out with “sisters” from your parish because women feel less leery around guys that other women are treating as a safe guy. This is the problem guys have: If you are known too well, you are seen as a brother. If you are not known well enough, you may be suspected as a possible predator. If you are unknown to the woman you would court but she knows that some woman she trusts likes you, then you can get into the safe-but-intriguing zone. That’s where you want to be.

 

[Xantippe]

EasterJoy said:

“I would ask women in your parish who have “friend-zoned” you if they have ideas about where you can find Catholic women like them to date. Ask the one who acts the most like a sister to you. Do tell her that you’d love to date someone like her, but she seems to see you as more of a brother. (Who knows, you may be wrong. She may see you differently than you imagine! What a nice surprise that could be!”

Sneaky!

“Who knows, you may convince them and some of the other unmarried guys in the parish to go with you to singles events in your area as a group, so none of you show up as “loners.””

Very good!

“They may also, having been asked, have ideas for you that they wouldn’t presume to raise without being asked. (That mustache that you think is really attractive? It looks like a dead rodent, Brother.)”

Yes!

“I suggest venturing out with “sisters” from your parish because women feel less leery around guys that other women are treating as a safe guy.”

Yes again!

 

[SuperLuigi]

I really hope this is not another post on the internet about specific yet different romance preferences in an attempt to garner sympathy and pity from Catholic women.

I would guess if the numbers were crunched in their entirety, most Catholic women will marry Catholic men.

I would also say that women are still in many cases inclined to date men they are attracted to and will not marry a Catholic man just because he is Catholic, nor is it necessarily a great idea to so in certain cases.

 

[AClaire11]

I’m married to a lapsed Catholic, so I’m not sure if that counts. At my (extremely liberal) boarding school, there weren’t really any devout Catholic guys I knew, so I didn’t date any. I honestly didn’t really date much at all. I then went to a Catholic university that was obviously filled with Catholics. And it didn’t work out with any of the men I was interested in, even when they were interested back. Something weird would always happen. Maybe I’m crazy, but I really think God was pushing me towards my husband. When we got engaged, I was in a terrible atheist phase, but for some reason he dragged me to Mass every Sunday and I eventually saw the light. Now I pray the same thing happens to him. After all, I was far more vehemently anti-Catholic than he is.

 

[wanttoknow80]

I thank God for you, and pray that God will shine his light upon both of you in Jesus name Amen

 

[HB11]

Turn the question around: Why do non-Catholic men marry Catholic women? Perhaps it’s because we’re all that and a bag of chips.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Well as my dad was a southern baptist by birth and my mom was a devout catholic you couldn’t have had two more different faith backgrounds then that. My dad converted but I can still see some of his religious background in his ideas and beliefs. So who would I be to pass over someone who wasn’t catholic. I would require though that they at least be christian. At the moment no one is interested and I’m not interest in dating anymore so it’s sort of a mute point for me.

 

[rinnie]

I’ve always wondered, as a convert not attuned to the modus vivendi of cradle catholicism, why it’s so common that Catholic women marry non-Catholic men. I even once heard Peter Kreeft make a joke about this when telling his conversion story. He said he went to see a priest about becoming Catholic, and the priest responded “It’s a girlfriend, isn’t it?”

I would have thought that religion would be something very important to a Catholic when choosing a spouse. Here’s why. When you enter into marriage you’re potentially taking part in the creation of souls destined for eternal bliss in heaven, but also threatened with eternal damnation in hell. Marrying a non-Catholic spouse I think we can all say objectively threatens any children born in this marriage and moves them away from God. Statistically speaking, if the father is not going to mass every Sunday, the children will not do so. As the Catholic church stands in the west, it is a rapidly dying joke among young people, and every marriage with a father not taking the children to mass pretty much ensures that these children will join the horde of lemmings running off the cliff. Finally, if you’re at all devout, I would imagine it would cause some distress to be “unequally yoked” (2 Cor 6:14).

So what reasons do these many Catholic women have for marrying non-Catholic spouses? Do the women think that they’ll change the men? Good luck with that. Do they think there’s not any Catholic men for them? I know that there’s not a lack of Catholic men out there, so I think the excuse of “I can’t find any Catholic men” is a little hollow.

The only reasons I can come up with are 1. pure attraction 2. lack of concern for their faith, preferring trying to find fulfillment in a spouse.

And that’s pretty much what it is right? Please correct me if you disagree. But in the face of all the down-sides I listed above to being unequally yoked, these Catholic women have their feelings, and maybe they throw in a blind hope that he’ll come around to the faith.

Discuss?

Sincerely,

another poorly influenced and poorly catechized catholic raised by a mother who chose a non-catholic husband

I married a non-Catholic and have been married for almost 33 years. It was our marriage that opened the Catholic faith to him, and the Holy Spirit who opened his heart to change to the faith.

I believe like Father said God works in mysterious ways. I married my husband for a number of reasons, attraction was the beginning, then it was we got along, Love, and by the way if you get married in the RCC you have to agree to have the Children Catholic.

Again I don’t believe that having faith in being in the true Church and having faith in the Holy Spirit revealing himself in the One True Church as blind faith.

Any women who thinks they can change a Man is fooling themselves. But a women who believes the Holy Spirit can work miracles is a women with true faith.

 

[Estevao]

I really hope this is not another post on the internet about specific yet different romance preferences in an attempt to garner sympathy and pity from Catholic women.

I would guess if the numbers were crunched in their entirety, most Catholic women will marry Catholic men.

I would also say that women are still in many cases inclined to date men they are attracted to and will not marry a Catholic man just because he is Catholic, nor is it necessarily a great idea to so in certain cases.

Did I touch a nerve or something? I don’t care if you decided to marry some atheist man, nor do I think any less of you if you did. Heck my mother did and I loved her dearly. I was just interested in what the reason might be for this trend. Believe me I’m not looking for any sympathy from Catholic women. Honestly the only interaction I’ve had with a Catholic woman under the age of 40 who wasn’t my mother is watching them bolt out the door of church either directly after receiving communion (another phenomenon I don’t really understand as a convert), or immediately after “The Mass is ended”. Odds are likely that I might not marry a Catholic women either.

Honestly I don’t really care to try and look for stats regarding this trend. Peter Kreeft’s joke I mentioned in the OP and personal experience is enough for me.

 

[fred_conty]

Lorelei12,

He was different than anyone I had ever dated before, including Catholic men. He is, in many ways, a better Christian than I am. He has a kind heart, is always helping people, his humility brings me down a notch sometimes, and is a constant reminder to me of how we are all supposed to live our lives. I finally understood that this was the man who was going to help me get to heaven. And, though he has not received the rest of his sacraments (which I pray for but never push about) he does attend church with me often and will ask me all sorts of questions, many of which show me that, despite many years of Catholic schooling, I still have so much more to learn.

Forgive me for being a little late with this comment, but it sounds to me that you married a catholic man but he didn’t know it. He is a good man and that is very important since goodness only comes from God.

If you would like him to embrace the faith, use the green scapular of Mary. Have it blessed and hide in under the matress. Then say the prayer Mary requested every day, “Immaculate Heart of Mary pray for us now and at the hour of our death,” and say it again for yourself. Mary said that she would bring a person to the faith if the person using the scapular, namely you, said the prayer and would TRUST her to grant the conversion. I think you can trust Mary to keep her word.

I had brother and sisterinlaw who tried for two years, with doctor’s advice, who couldn’t have a child. They put the green scapular under their pillow, and in a matter of weeks his wife conceived.

I have another person in my family who has been away from the church for a very long time. I was at her house one day, and slipped several green scapulars in different hidden places and several miraculous medals as well. It hasn’t been a year yet and she has now expressed an interest in the faith, is going to church rather faithfully. In addition, she broke up with her live in boyfriend, which I told Mary at the time that I didn’t know how she was going to work that miracle. But it happened. This only ocurred after putting the medal and scapular in her home. Now it is just a matter of time until Mary brings her all the way home.

The scapular is easy to obtain, just google “green scapular”.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[Bulbasaur05]

It seems like a lot of the answers are defensive and there have not been a lot of concrete ideas to why this happens.

How important is it that women marry men of the the same faith in the Church?

Do a large number of the men convert? Should they?