Why is it so common for Catholic women to marry non-Catholic men?

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Also FWIW, we had a convalidation and we’ve been happily married for 12 years, and have a 9 year-old son who we’re raising Catholic.
 
There are far worse things a woman can do, but those who are weak of faith probably should not marry outside the faith.
 
Zzyzx Road,

Dating a fellow parishioner may feel like checking out guys at your family reunion.
 
Xantippe said:
I think that “otherness” and the exotic can be very attractive short-term, whereas long-term, it may create irritation and serious obstacles to marital happiness. I think this taste for “otherness” has some practical utility (otherwise we’d all wind up married to our first cousins), but it can be taken too far (for instance, if you are a nice person, a narcissistic jerk may be irresistible).

I suspect that when there is too great a similarity in background, it may trigger subconscious taboos about marriage to a too-close relative. That would be one possible interpretation of the “friendzone” problem and the problem I have seen mentioned here of people doing very badly attempting to ask out fellow parishioners.

As practical advice, I suggest that this might mean that one ought to make one’s move before that kind of familiarity and ease builds up. Almost nobody wants to date their “brother.”
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Zzyzx_Road said:
I can definitely speak to this one… Anecdote isn’t data, but I’ve attended Mass regularly at several parishes in different parts of the country since I returned to the Church several years ago and I never got any interest from the available women in any of those parishes. Unless they were much older than me and happened to be serving Communion with me in one of the parishes where I did that. So since those parishes were in very different parts of the country, I’m guessing it’s like that all over.

Must be something about seeing me on my knees before and during Mass that is turning off women I might be interested in. Whatever, it’s okay, that’s just how that is, I can’t change them so I’m not losing sleep speculating on their motivations. But I will say complaints about the lack of available male Catholics definitely fall on deaf ears here. While I know I’m ugly, I also know I’m not that ugly as I can get phone numbers and dates outside of the Church and I have not felt guilty about dating non-Catholic women in years.
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“…something about seeing me on my knees…”

Saying what? “Thank you that I am not like other men?” 😉

Seriously, though, a woman does not have to break up with more than one fellow in her own parish to learn the perils of *dating someone *from her own parish. Most of the time, the thought experiment is enough.

It goes like this: If anyone in the parish catches on that you’re dating and then you break up, it is very public. EVERYBODY wants to see two active parishioners marry each other! That works when it works, but when it doesn’t work, it REALLY doesn’t work. If the person you date and subsequently break up with volunteers or socializes in the same groups, then whether he broke up with you or you broke up with him or you mutually decided to move on, it is still far worse than breaking up with someone who works for the same employer!

That is why I think we need ways for single Catholics to meet outside their own parishes. There has to be a way to meet fellow Catholics interested in courtship in a way that you aren’t stuck avoiding some very praiseworthy someone in your own parish if it doesn’t work out, right in front of 95% of the people who care whether or not you marry another good Catholic!
 
EasterJoy,

So funny!

What does the guy version look like? “I sent many good women into your life, but you thought they weren’t hot enough”?

I was just realizing that when I was involved in an Evangelical fellowship all through college, I didn’t get a bite from any of those guys (and there were quite a number of very sweet, earnest, conscientious ones). Or at church during those years. Nothing. I did get a moderate amount of interest from guys outside those venues, but the fellowship and church was a total bust.

At the other extreme, I know a couple (now married 20+ years and obviously very fond of each other) who met because they were in a Protestant Christian fellowship in college, and he was systematically taking out every single woman in the fellowship to see which one he should marry. I’m not sure how I’d feel about that approach if I were Girl #30 on his list, but it worked for them!
 
Thank you my dear sister in the Lord for your question. My husband was not a catholic as well. But I personally believe that God has a reason for everything he does, sometimes it looks odd and sometimes painful. I wasn’t happy internally for marrying a non-catholic, but for me God’s decision and choice over-rules mine. Before I married him. I had endless lists of what I wanted in him. But at the end I am one of the most happiest woman. We are at peace with each other. He gave me the freedom of Baptizing the kids in Catholic church, I bring the kids to the church every Sunday, teach them prayers; and at the end he got himself converted to catholic without my fore-knowledge. He became even more committed to catholic teachings than myself. He told the Priest who baptized him that my life presents a true catholic life that he can imagine. Therefore, I can say that God wanted to win a soul through the kids and myself.
My advice to my fellow Catholics who happen to find themselves in interfaith marriage, allow God to finish what his has started. Amen
 
I didn’t vote.

Love trumping other concerns: Is probably a large part of it. While marriage shouldn’t be decided upon for *solely *romantic feelings (practicality must enter into it), most people want happy marriages. That usually entails being with someone who engenders a sense of love and affection in the other person.

Lack of concern about the faith, esp. the children’s faith: I’d say this probably depends upon whether we’re talking about practicing vs non-practicing Catholic women. In those cases I’d say probably YES - they will want the church wedding, baptism, and all that, but they won’t be as concerned about the husband being a spiritual leader in any devout sense.

Now that I’m pondering all of my married Catholic girlfriends. . . .:hmmm:. . .none of them are practicing Catholics, and only one out of five of them married an equally non-practicing Catholic man. But they all had the Church wedding, baptisms, etc. . . . .

Lack of Catholic men: Not the sole reason, but it’s been my observation that there is a smaller pool of eligible Catholic men to choose from, though not necessarily in any drastic number. *Practicing *Catholic men, that is; as with culturally Catholic women, there are many CINO men as well. Pretty much all demographic statistics show a higher rate of mass attendance among women than men.

The dearth of prospective mates is not *always *an excuse, or an exaggeration; I’m afraid (as I will show with evidence, and not mere anecdote, below) sometimes it *is *as simple as there not being enough Catholic men to go around. :sad_yes:

I think Daddygirl made a point as well - it’s been my experience that secular and/or CINO men either pursue women more aggressively or make themselves stand out/be noticeable.
Zzyzx_Road said:
I can definitely speak to this one… Anecdote isn’t data, but I’ve attended Mass regularly at several parishes in different parts of the country since I returned to the Church several years ago and I never got any interest from the available women in any of those parishes. Unless they were much older than me and happened to be serving Communion with me in one of the parishes where I did that. So since those parishes were in very different parts of the country, I’m guessing it’s like that all over.

Must be something about seeing me on my knees before and during Mass that is turning off women I might be interested in. Whatever, it’s okay, that’s just how that is, I can’t change them so I’m not losing sleep speculating on their motivations. But I will say complaints about the lack of available male Catholics definitely fall on deaf ears here. While I know I’m ugly, I also know I’m not that ugly as I can get phone numbers and dates outside of the Church and I have not felt guilty about dating non-Catholic women in years.
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Do you approach women around Church in the same way you approach women in other areas? It’s just strange to me that your experiences on the “inside” and “outside” would be so drastically different. I can understand the awkwardness in going right up to a woman after mass and asking her out on a date (without having any prior familiarity), but if you’re having trouble meeting practicing Catholics, have you thought about becoming active in your parish’s singles group. . .or starting one yourself if none exists?

I invite you - if you have a facebook page - to take a look at my parish’s singles group (20s and 30s). Search for “Jack’s YACS” on facebook and you will find it boasts a membership of 236 people. Discounting the five priests and one nun, there are 77 men to 158 women. That’s a ratio of 2 against 1 odds of these lovely young women meeting a nice, practicing Catholic male. In every event I’ve attended, there has always been an exceeding number of women to men, sometimes up to 80/20 percent. Regarding women and social groups: "If you build it, they will come. . . . "😉

I empathize with your last sentence, though. As much as I’d prefer to marry a Catholic, I wouldn’t feel guilty about dating a non-Catholic either.
 
Neofight said:
There are far worse things a woman can do, but those who are weak of faith probably should not marry outside the faith.
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You’re probably right that the weak of faith shouldn’t marry outside faith.

Unfortunately though, I they’re the ones more *likely *to.😦
 
lerapt78 said:
Lack of Catholic men: Not the sole reason, but it’s been my observation that there is a smaller pool of eligible Catholic men to choose from, though not necessarily in any drastic number. *Practicing *Catholic men, that is; as with culturally Catholic women, there are many CINO men as well. Pretty much all demographic statistics show a higher rate of mass attendance among women than men.
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But not attending Mass doesn’t mean that a Catholic man isn’t Catholic.

There are a few universally understood trends among men and women that apply to Catholics or any other religious group. Women are more religious than men are. Even if they’re not orthodox in principle, they still go to Mass and receive their spiritual high. They could subscribe to every teaching of the Culture of Death (which women do more often than men), but that isn’t necessarily going to stop them from going to Mass, receiving communion, and sensually enjoying all of it because it makes them feel good. Take the exact same person as a male, and he’s prone to simply not go to Mass because he knows that his participation is a farce, so he says “Goodbye God” and stays at home and lives as a secular human being.

There aren’t necessarily more Catholic women marrying non-Catholic men, it’s just that men that are raised Catholic (and become unorthodox) are less prone to identify themselves as Catholic when they’re older or have anything to do with the Church. A woman could likewise become gravely unorthodox, but is more likely to still remain an open and practicing Catholic.
 
Xantippe said:
What does the guy version look like? “I sent many good women into your life, but you thought they weren’t hot enough”?
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Something like that!! 😃

Unfortunately, most of us are so weak and fearful we want someone who is as strong as we are in the faith but no stronger–you know, we can’t have a “religious freak” or something!! 😛
 
EasterJoy said:
Sad, but true. There needs to be better ways for faithful Catholic singles to network with each other.
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This seems to be something that is lacking in Catholic life, at least where I’m from. We have a great parish and there are plenty of ministries but there’s very few opportunities for singles to get to know each other. I think this is the case with Catholics moreso than with most non-Catholic Christian denominations, where socialization is centered around their churches. I have a friend whose non-Catholic church organizes dances, movie nights, board game nights, etc. but not so much of that in Catholic life so far as I can tell. We have volunteer opportunities which are great but those aren’t always the best opportunities to get to know those of the opposite sex.
 
EasterJoy said:
Sad, but true. There needs to be better ways for faithful Catholic singles to network with each other. Sometimes the Catholics you went to grade school with do not cut it; they are too much like siblings. Some Catholics hesitate to date someone else in their choir, lector group, or other parish group, because of the social difficulties that arise when there is a break-up.

Maybe “vicariate” singles gatherings would be a good idea, where you can meet Catholic singles from nearby parishes. That way, you can date, and if you break up you can avoid each other more gracefully. This would make “jumping in” to date a fellow serious Catholic a bit less daunting.

It’s a thought.
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Four (maybe more?) parishes near where I lived got together and a group of 20 somethings now plan monthly events. Each parish has their own young adults group but none of the groups are bigger than maybe 10 regulars. Not necessarily advertised as singles events, but instead just as a “get to know young Catholics from other parishes”. I think everyone just noticed it was hard to meet single men and women outside of the 10 in your parish and this was the answer. Maybe it wasn’t everyone’s motive but a few friends I know involved all look to this as a good way to meet young singles…certainly nothing wrong with that, I think. I thought it was pretty neat. They invite probably at least a dozen parishes.
 
As the non-Catholic husband to be I’ll go with what her priest said to us, “Catholics are called to marry other Catholics but sometimes our hearts have other ideas.”

As best I can deduce, many of them find a man they love that has the qualities they want/need except that he happens to be another faith if any. Would you suggest they make similar faith a “deal breaker”?
 
HerCrazierHalf said:
Would you suggest they make similar faith a “deal breaker”?
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You mean a different faith to be a deal braker? Definitely, for a person who is serious about the faith.

I married a non-Catholic man because I was quite immature spiritually. I really didn’t think that this difference would be an issue cos he’s a nice guy and all that. I simply had no clue what living with a non-Catholic/atheist would mean in reality. Going to mass by myself. Raising the kids in faith by myself. Fighting over NFP. Shortly after we were married I grew in faith and nowadays I’m pretty orthodox and take it all very seriously. It is extremely lonely to not share my faith with my husband. I have a few Catholic friends so I’m not completely isolated from the Catholic world, but that is just not the same. I also worry what kind of a negative influence this will have on the children and their faith.

Maybe had I met a nice Catholic guy and fallen in love things would have turned out differently. But there were simply no Catholic guys my age in my life, for years. At one point I simply stopped expecting to meet any 🤷

I guess the combination of immaturity and lack of Catholic men is my answer.
 
TK421 said:
But not attending Mass doesn’t mean that a Catholic man isn’t Catholic.
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No, of course not. But it does mean that he’s not a *practicing *Catholic. I’m curious as to which type of Catholic woman the OP was referring, because I do think the level of her participation in the Church does make a difference with regard to her mate selection in that a practicing Catholic woman would have a higher preference for a practicing Catholic man.
TK421 said:
There are a few universally understood trends among men and women that apply to Catholics or any other religious group. Women are more religious than men are. Even if they’re not orthodox in principle, they still go to Mass and receive their spiritual high. They could subscribe to every teaching of the Culture of Death (which women do more often than men), but that isn’t necessarily going to stop them from going to Mass, receiving communion, and sensually enjoying all of it because it makes them feel good.
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That could be true, but let’s consider the probability here: don’t you find it far more likely that a woman who is actively involved in Church participation would be more obedient to the Church than one who isn’t?
TK421 said:
Take the exact same person as a male, and he’s prone to simply not go to Mass because he knows that his participation is a farce, so he says “Goodbye God” and stays at home and lives as a secular human being.
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This unfortunately supports the OP’s concern about Catholic women marrying out of the faith. If men are more likely to eschew the Church in their youth (when women are looking to marry), women will have a more difficult time finding committed Catholics as partners. It’s simply a numbers issue.🤷

So for a certain percentage of women (as I stated before, I don’t think the male/female imbalance is particularly drastic yet), a non-Catholic man starts to look like a really good prospect, even if he’s not her ideal choice.
TK421 said:
There aren’t necessarily more Catholic women marrying non-Catholic men, it’s just that men that are raised Catholic (and become unorthodox) are less prone to identify themselves as Catholic when they’re older or have anything to do with the Church. A woman could likewise become gravely unorthodox, but is more likely to still remain an open and practicing Catholic.
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So to rephrase, you’re saying that Catholic women are marrying relatively equal numbers of Catholic men, it’s just that these men’s only link to Catholicism is their baptism? And, since they declare themselves as adults to be religiously unaffiliated this skews the perception?

I’ve never studied the numbers on interfaith marriages myself, so I’m curious as to the OP’s understanding of what is common regarding the issue.
 
HerCrazierHalf said:
As the non-Catholic husband to be I’ll go with what her priest said to us, “Catholics are called to marry other Catholics but sometimes our hearts have other ideas.”

As best I can deduce, many of them find a man they love that has the qualities they want/need except that he happens to be another faith if any. Would you suggest they make similar faith a “deal breaker”?
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I think you’ll find a variety of opinions on this. Personally, while I would not suggest different/lack of faith to be a complete “deal breaker”, neither do I take the attitude that a difference in faith is “no big deal as long as you like each other” - especially for the spouse who takes his/her faith seriously.

Of course, this type of question always leads into conversations rife with hypothetical ultimatums.🙂
 
I’m a Catholic Christian woman married to a non-Catholic Christian. When we began dating, I didn’t know what religion, if any, he acknowledged. We had known each other for a few years, formed a friendship, he asked me out. I accepted. Once it became serious, we discussed everything. Religion, family, kids, marriage, finances, etc. We quickly realized that we were compatible in every area, including matters of faith. Both of us Christians. Denomination differences, sure, & how we “practiced”, but so overwhelmingly similar in moral expectations, belief in God, etc. Those denomination differences didn’t matter. He was a faithful Christian who didn’t attend a specific church, I was a faithful Christian attending/involved in a Catholic Church. So we married in the church I grew up in.

There have been no issues. Our child is Catholic, knows dad is not, but he comes to church & is often the first one up on Sundays & asking which Mass we are going to. We don’t consider ourselves to be of different faiths. We are both Christians. That is what comes first, not which denomination you choose to belong to here on earth.
 
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