WHy is it so hard to get my husband to agree to be supportive in specific ways during delivery?

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

I was really afraid for my husband when it came time to deliver. I honestly thought that it would upset him and I worried that I would have to “baby” him. My husband is a rather timid soul and he would never argue with a doctor. (Funny thing: introverted men tend to marry very assertive women…)

As it turns out, he was fantastic during the whole experience. No, he didn’t tell anybody what to do. But, he did handle the whole thing very well. He chose to stay up by my head and not watch the crowning/gory stuff, for which I am grateful. He was supportive and didn’t take it personally when I slapped his hand away when he tried to give me a comforting pat. I later found out that he had to stare at a spot on the wall and focus on not laughing when it came to the “Ring of Fire” part of the delivery. I was screaming “AGHH!! IT BURNS!” and he thought this was funny. He had the good sense to keep that to himself until afterwards. Now, we have a lovely little injoke where I, if I ask him to do something he really doesn’t want to do, I just sweetly ask him, “Oh, I’m sorry, honey… does it burn?”

 

[eliza3b]

I’m going to reiterate what others have said. Your husband is not a doctor, has not gone to 8 post graduate years of school, presided at numerous births or worked in a hospital to gain the kind of experience and judgement that you are asking of him.

I suggest talking about your fears to your doctor. Just as an aside, I was devestated when my dh told me that he did not want to be present when our first child was delivered. The nerve of him! Plus, it was just plain embarrassing to me - what will people think of such a non supportive husband. Well, he changed his mind and was there. It was nice, except, during the middle of pushing, I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want him to see me like that. It was hard and I was very conflicted about the whole thing. The next child came so quickly that he missed the birth and I really had a much nicer experience with just me, the nurse and doctor present. He doesn’t love any child more than the other because he missed the actual birth. We went on to have two more kiddos and he was there for them.

 

[leonie]

I’m going to reiterate what others have said. Your husband is not a doctor, has not gone to 8 post graduate years of school, presided at numerous births or worked in a hospital to gain the kind of experience and judgement that you are asking of him.

I suggest talking about your fears to your doctor. Just as an aside, I was devestated when my dh told me that he did not want to be present when our first child was delivered. The nerve of him! Plus, it was just plain embarrassing to me - what will people think of such a non supportive husband. Well, he changed his mind and was there. It was nice, except, during the middle of pushing, I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want him to see me like that. It was hard and I was very conflicted about the whole thing. The next child came so quickly that he missed the birth and I really had a much nicer experience with just me, the nurse and doctor present. He doesn’t love any child more than the other because he missed the actual birth. We went on to have two more kiddos and he was there for them.

I have to agree a little. My dh looked so anguished when I was in pain. And, he was like a caged animal during labor. I kept sending him out to get things or to make calls because it was irritating me so much to see him pace around.

I would have rather had my mom with me. She’s a labor and delivery nurse and did come to three of my six children’s births.

 

[Cat]

I think many men have a fear that if they suggest something to the doctor and he/she tried it, that the mom and/or baby might die and then it would be HIS FAULT!!!Unbearable.

Don’t put this burden on a man. He’s scared enough.

 

[FCEGM]

my husband thanks his stars we had our kids before the daddy in the room thing began, he wouldn’t do it then, and he wouldn’t do it now. that’s how some men are. to expect your DH to be more than your lamaze coach, to actually start second guessing the doctor, sounds a bit much
if you don’t trust your doctors, get new doctors, don’t expect your DH to become one overnight.

also this book you are reading sounds awful, try some new books

Yout husband sounds just like mine. At least my DH was in the waiting room, not calling in from the local bar as the husband of the woman in the next room kept doing.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks. I guess I do have an aggressive personality as one poster suggested you would have to have to do that. I have a desire to be trained as a doula later on when the kids are bigger. SO what I was expecting from my husband was something I would want to do for others or ask the doctor who is delivering to consider.

Thanks for responding. I will leave my poor husband alone. I didn’t realize that this could be scary. I also need to pray to be more confident in the doctors. The man who delivered my previous baby said he would trust any of the doctors on this team. I have been scared off a little by some ill-informed remarks by one of the doctors on the team and also by discovering that policies have changed in favour of doing c-sections in even more cases than before. I never was worried before about the staff.

I will start praying for more comfidence and peace when I enter the hospital.

I also would like to add that you might be pleasantly surprised what your husband will do when the situation strikes. Once the whole thing begins, everything changes. My husband was helping the doctor, with my position because they were short a nurse. The doc had a lot going on when my son was being born, and he was going from my hospital room to another–two deliveries at one time --and my husband jumped right in. Rest assure that he may happily surprise you! Good luck and prayers going out to you and your husband!

 

[Island_Oak]

Oh my dear…you’re sounding a little unbalanced as you approach your delivery date. Do yourself and your hubby a favor…set the books and all the well-meaning advice aside, give your husband a big hug and rest assured no one in the world has your and your child’s welfare more at heart than he does. Then print off your post and tuck it away until after the birth of your second or, God willing, third child. You’ll laugh yourself silly, I promise!

 

[ack]

FYI, this is not her first child…

Oh my dear…you’re sounding a little unbalanced as you approach your delivery date. Do yourself and your hubby a favor…set the books and all the well-meaning advice aside, give your husband a big hug and rest assured no one in the world has your and your child’s welfare more at heart than he does. Then print off your post and tuck it away until after the birth of your second or, God willing, third child. You’ll laugh yourself silly, I promise!