Why is it so hard to make women friends?

[Serap]

I have made a very sweet dear friend at my parish (a year and a half ago) and she has a group of parish friends that all hang out together. Her friends are nice to me to my face, but I have always gotten the sense that they are not “into” me and hence, they have never invited me ever to go out with them or join their group. My girlfriend has also never invited me to come along and has told me that I have nothing in common with them and it leads me to believe that perhaps her friends have actually told her that they are not into me.

It’s difficult b/c we are all at the same parish and it makes me feel left out. My friend and I have become very close and we love eachother very much and you’d think that her friends would at least make an effort to let me tag along occassionally. I don’t want to be their best friend or anything…just a good aquaintance would be fine.

My friend’s best friend is also a priest and he and I have also become very good friends and I know that he has told my girlfriend’s friends that I am a very nice girl and they just need to get to know me better.

I went to my girlfriends b-day party at her friend’s place and they were all nice to me, but one girl didn’t even say hi to me until I said hi to her first. The girl that held the party hinted that she’d like me to come over again, so that was nice and she also said that she’d like to meet my new baby. We talked about them all coming over to my place for lunch in about a month’s time.

These women are all in their 40’s and have never been married. Perhaps they don’t want a married friend with children?

It makes me feel sad b/c they are all such nice people and I wish they would just accept me and let me hang out with them every now and then. I can’t help but feel that they don’t like me b/c of the fact that my close girlfriend never invites me to tag a long to any of their get togethers except for her b-day party last week.

Am I being silly? Maybe I have too much thinking time on my hands being at home with my kids and not working.

 

[1ke]

Just try not to take it personally.

Who knows what they think or why. Maybe it’s that they are single and you are not. Maybe it’s that they like their dynamic or their group size.

Heck, one of my friends got really offended over a church married couple group dinner from which she and her husband were excluded. The reason? The one who organized the dinner wanted to limit it to 10 couples. Moral of that story-- the person putting together the dinner party decided on some arbitrary limits and it hurt someone else’s feelings. It wasn’t personal. It was just this one person inviting her closest friends and deciding to limit it.

So, invite THEM to do something. The one who made an overture-- follow up with that. Then there will be 2 friends. Then you may invite another 1 or 2 to do something, and then eventually the whole group. They will either reciprocate or not. If not, well, you still have your good friendship with the one and can just go on your way with that.

Friends and groups are hard. Just try not to take it personal.

 

[tweetymom]

I have experience the same thing. Sometimes people already have their group set and don’t want a newbe. I had the same thing when I first came to this Parish. It has been 10 years and I finally have made some friends. Sometimes people are a bit snobbish. God will send you friends that are worthy to be your friends. God Bless.

 

[shannyk]

Serap funny you should post this, I was just thinking the same thing.

I find it very very very difficult to be friends with other women. The cattiness, the gossip, the moodiness, the constant talk about how fat they are (not), it really makes attempting friendship exhausting. :coolinoff:

I think you have to pick your friends, and really be honest about who is an edifying edition to your life and who just drains you. Having just ONE good friend isn’t a bad thing either.

The whole group dynamic is so hard to deal with too…maybe just deal with your friends friends as necessary? It’s their loss if they don’t accept you!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Sometimes you can take the girl out of middle school, but you can never take the middle school out of the girl…

 

[PatriceA]

Sometimes you can take the girl out of middle school, but you can never take the middle school out of the girl…

TRUE FACT!

I think some of us girls are just meant to have one or two close friends of the same gender. I don’t always do well myself with a group of women, never really have. I have found that I do better with friends of both genders and all ages too. A group of women that are my peers, just doesn’t mix for me. I really do think for me, its all the power playing that begins in middle school and seems to just play out over and over again even with adults.

To the original OP, it very well could be the single vs. married and being a mom thing. You may very well make them realize what they don’t have in their lives and it just hits a nerve. Some people can’t find things in common with others whose lives are on a different path than them.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

My mother never really bothered with girlfriends once she had children maybe they just assume you wont have the time as you will be busy focusing on your family.

 

[1ke]

My mother never really bothered with girlfriends once she had children maybe they just assume you wont have the time as you will be busy focusing on your family.

Yep. DH and I married later in life and don’t have kids. People our age have kids anywhere from elementary through college/young adult. Most of the ladies in my parish my age are very involved with their kids’ activities. They probably assume I’m not interested in that… and they are 100% right! I really don’t have much in common with these women other than that we attend the same church.

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I went to my girlfriends b-day party at her friend’s place and they were all nice to me, but one girl didn’t even say hi to me until I said hi to her first. The girl that held the party hinted that she’d like me to come over again, so that was nice and she also said that she’d like to meet my new baby. We talked about them all coming over to my place for lunch in about a month’s time.

This sounds promising. Why not invite her over to see the baby? It’s hard to get into a group because they all know each other well, they have their stories and inside jokes. However, if you become friends with a few of them individually, you will gradually find yourself becoming a member of the group. If the girl who held the party visits you one-on-one, she will get to know you because there won’t be the whole group to distract her. I think this situation has more potential than you think. Go ahead and invite her.

If you think being married and a mom will make it hard for them to relate to you, be sure that you have things to talk about besides husband and baby. You can talk about your family, but also be able to talk about other stuff, like hobbies, tv, food, clothes, whatever. It takes effort to become part of an established group of friends, but if you like them, then it will be worth the effort.

 

[mini_me640]

While I have a couple of extremely close girl-friends that I love dearly, on the whole, I have always gotten along better with males, and I feel completely out of place with groups of women. I never feel like I fit in. I have resigned myself to my few dear girl-friends, my husband and my couple-friends, and the companionship of my family and of course, my very best friend, my husband. I don’t know what it is with me and other women, but I just always feel awkward and unsure of myself

 

[SpaceNeedle]

While I have a couple of extremely close girl-friends that I love dearly, on the whole, I have always gotten along better with males, and I feel completely out of place with groups of women. I never feel like I fit in. I have resigned myself to my few dear girl-friends, my husband and my couple-friends, and the companionship of my family and of course, my very best friend, my husband. I don’t know what it is with me and other women, but I just always feel awkward and unsure of myself

Same here

 

[lovemyboys]

It’s hard for us stay-at-home-moms to make friends. I have NONE except for my dh, children, and internet friends (yes, it’s pathetic). I can have nice conversations with people, but they never progress into anything deeper. I had a ton of friends when I was working, though-- that seems to make a big difference.

I’d say these women are not into you because you’re a married mom-- there’s a huge divide between women with children and those without. Usually, it’s the women without children who feel left out around the moms, but it’s the opposite in this case. If I were you, I’d focus on finding mom friends at the parish.

When I start feeling sorry for myself over my lack of friends, the Litany of Humility helps quite a bit.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

It’s hard for us stay-at-home-moms to make friends. I have NONE except for my dh, children, and internet friends (yes, it’s pathetic).

Its not pathetic at all it is quite normal, it is a consequence of the things you have chosen to prioritise in your life, I think you made the right choices.

Its interesting other women are saying they never really got along with groups of other women, perhaps this is natural, after all Eve was made for Adam not for other Eves and women’s friends at one time were primarily there own mother, their aunts and their sisters and cousins. This was all before women went back into the work force of course after prior generations had campaigned so hard to spare them that need.

 

[Serap]

Funny guys that so many of you feel the same way.

My girlfriend told me that sometimes I say things. The example that she gave me was while my girlfriend was opening her gifts, I mentioned that I may wear a blue dress to my son’s baptism. My girlfriend is going to be his Godmother and she had been telling me just b4 opening her gifts about the dress she was planning on wearing.

She said that it was odd that I said something like that out of the blue in front of everyone while she was opening her gifts and it would make people think I’m high maintenance.

I personally think that’s just silly.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

Funny guys that so many of you feel the same way.

My girlfriend told me that sometimes I say things. The example that she gave me was while my girlfriend was opening her gifts, I mentioned that I may wear a blue dress to my son’s baptism. My girlfriend is going to be his Godmother and she had been telling me just b4 opening her gifts about the dress she was planning on wearing.

She said that it was odd that I said something like that out of the blue in front of everyone while she was opening her gifts and it would make people think I’m high maintenance.

I personally think that’s just silly.

Could be you are victim of their bad consciences/jealousy if they get like that any time you mention your children.

 

[ac_claire]

I’ve never had much trouble making female friends. But I don’t think about it too often, either. I’ve never really set out to “make” a friend, you know? That wouldn’t work with me, maybe I’m too shy.

Could be you are victim of their bad consciences/jealousy if they get like that any time you mention your children.

I agree, that could be part of it. And it’s just that a group of older, single/childless women might just assume that a young mother wouldn’t have much in common with them. For that reason Serap, I agree with the others that you shouldn’t take it personally.

 

[lovemyboys]

Its not pathetic at all it is quite normal, it is a consequence of the things you have chosen to prioritise in your life, I think you made the right choices.

Its interesting other women are saying they never really got along with groups of other women, perhaps this is natural, after all Eve was made for Adam not for other Eves and women’s friends at one time were primarily there own mother, their aunts and their sisters and cousins. This was all before women went back into the work force of course after prior generations had campaigned so hard to spare them that need.

Thanks, you’re message made me feel less pathetic.

 

[shannyk]

Funny guys that so many of you feel the same way.

My girlfriend told me that sometimes I say things. The example that she gave me was while my girlfriend was opening her gifts, I mentioned that I may wear a blue dress to my son’s baptism. My girlfriend is going to be his Godmother and she had been telling me just b4 opening her gifts about the dress she was planning on wearing.

She said that it was odd that I said something like that out of the blue in front of everyone while she was opening her gifts and it would make people think I’m high maintenance.

I personally think that’s just silly.

Silly indeed, I don’t get that:shrug: Was it not your ‘place’ to add to the conversation for some reason? See, these covert rules in groups are really annoying.

 

[Serap]

Well I guess I just blamed it on myself and I"m glad you guys have told me not to take it personally.

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m also 5’8", blonde and have been blessed with a slender figure and a pretty face (not to come across as being vane). God just gave me a very nice package, but a terrible childhood, so it all equals out

These women are beautiful on the inside, but one has an extreme weight problem and they are both not blessed with outside beauty. My friend however, is gorgeous, so they must not care about that stuff if they are friends with my friend.

But then again, to them, I have it all…good husband, children, education, career, etc. If only they knew how insecure I am on the inside and how many issues I have I sometimes suffer from low self esteem and abandonment issues, but I cover it well. I also find my pretty face to be more of a hinderance than anything b/c I’ve always gotten a lot of unwanted attention from men and jealousy from women who I would love to be friends with. I’ve always ended up quite lonely and wishing I had more women friends.

 

[CountrySinger]

I’m going to post the single woman’s view. I moved to my new town in December, so I have to go through the awkward “make new friends” stage. It’s funny, because all my new friends are married with children. But unlike my friends in my hometown, they realize that talking ONLY about their family and husband is kind of mean to a single woman who would kill anyone to be married. They have interests outside of the home, and they are a blast to hang out with (plus having cute babies around doesn’t hurt).
As a reversal, if I talked ONLY about shopping and such, I would be a very boring person, right? There’s nothing wrong with our choices (except my life path wasn’t a choice), as long as your are sensitive to what pain the other person is having. I like hearing about their families, but if they go on and on with no end in sight, I would spend hours crying about it.