Why is it so hard?

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Bloem

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God called me last year and this year I am going through the process of being baptized. I didn’t know this journey would be such an intense one, so emotional and such a struggle. I am terribly lonely here, I have no friends or family in this country and going to church and talking to God has helped me get through the days.

However, I feel as if I have so many personal demons, all of them attacking me at once. It’s just so hard, I thought I would be more at peace.
But I am not. I feel as if I am incapable of forgiving things that have been done to me, I mean, I had a hard enough life and did things I am not proud of. But I am truly sorry for my sins and try to live my life as best as I can now. Our parish priest told me that when I get baptized, all my sins will be forgiven and the past is in the past. He told me, Saints have a history and sinners have a future. He told me I should forgive as well. Now I know he does not know my life story and I agree, a good catholic should forgive. But I feel so stuck, I don’t know how to let go or how to forgive. I wish I could talk to him again, but I feel as if I take up his precious time since he is busy enough as it is, without having to help me through my struggles.
It’s just such a difficult process, I felt abandoned by God during my life several times, where I just didn’t think I was worth his Love. Yet now he is calling and I don’t know what to do with all these feelings, I still don’t feel worthy enough. Why now? What changed in my life? How do I face my own demons?

But now I feel as if I can’t get baptized yet, it wouldn’t be fair to God to ask for his forgiveness and not forgive others myself. I can’t do that 😦

I was raised to fear God and that has left it’s mark. I feel as if I should take punishment and go through that first, before I can even start to heal.

My heart is broken and I feel so lost.

I hope I posted this in the right place, I am very sorry if I didn’t. I am new here and the forum is very big to get used to.

Thank you so much for reading.

Love,
Bloem
 
You should realize that only a sinless person could pay for the sins of a sinful person,
and only an infinite God could pay for the sins of all humanity.

Obey the Lord, God is willing that all should be saved, to avoid salvation is to disobey God.

One of the things you should know as a Catholic is that you cannot judge yourself, if God makes you clean, then you are required to accept it.

God bless you.
 
Bloem said:
God called me last year and this year I am going through the process of being baptized. I didn’t know this journey would be such an intense one, so emotional and such a struggle. I am terribly lonely here, I have no friends or family in this country and going to church and talking to God has helped me get through the days.

However, I feel as if I have so many personal demons, all of them attacking me at once. It’s just so hard, I thought I would be more at peace.
But I am not. I feel as if I am incapable of forgiving things that have been done to me, I mean, I had a hard enough life and did things I am not proud of. But I am truly sorry for my sins and try to live my life as best as I can now. Our parish priest told me that when I get baptized, all my sins will be forgiven and the past is in the past. He told me, Saints have a history and sinners have a future. He told me I should forgive as well. Now I know he does not know my life story and I agree, a good catholic should forgive. But I feel so stuck, I don’t know how to let go or how to forgive. I wish I could talk to him again, but I feel as if I take up his precious time since he is busy enough as it is, without having to help me through my struggles.
It’s just such a difficult process, I felt abandoned by God during my life several times, where I just didn’t think I was worth his Love. Yet now he is calling and I don’t know what to do with all these feelings, I still don’t feel worthy enough. Why now? What changed in my life? How do I face my own demons?

But now I feel as if I can’t get baptized yet, it wouldn’t be fair to God to ask for his forgiveness and not forgive others myself. I can’t do that 😦

I was raised to fear God and that has left it’s mark. I feel as if I should take punishment and go through that first, before I can even start to heal.

My heart is broken and I feel so lost.

I hope I posted this in the right place, I am very sorry if I didn’t. I am new here and the forum is very big to get used to.

Thank you so much for reading.

Love,
Bloem
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I experience many similar things, and I sympathize with you.

But, you know, you almost answered your own question: it’s a PROCESS.

Don’t expect to ‘arrive’ all at once. It will take time. And don’t run before you can walk, else you’re likely to feel overwhelmed and unworthy.

The Church welcomes you. And welcome home.
 
Keep in mind that even the most saintly people had times of darkness, or as “John of the Cross” would say, the dark night of the soul. Mother Teresa experienced this, Padre Pio, Saint Francis, Teresa of Avila, many great saints. This is a necessary process to bring you to a deeper level of presence in our Lord Jesus Christ. Try and be gentle with yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to do it’s work within you. When you are ready to love God completely he will come.

God is full of mercy. Fearing God is something I believe has pushed some people away from God. Why do you think the Angels, Mary, and Jesus often times said be not afraid. I would say fear the loss of our souls connection with the infinite.

Peace be with you.
Larry
 
Also, to add to this do not look for Peace. I would say want the peace you would like for yourself more for other people. Saint Francis did not say Lord give me peace, he said Lord make me an instrument of your peace. In other words, let me extend peace to the world, use me as instrument for peace to flow, not to be filled with peace. I am not suggesting to not want peace I am merely suggesting that this is a desire that YOU have, might not be God’s desire for you right now. I would say allow the moment to be as it is, in whatever form that it takes, and to offer no resistance to it. Our dear Lord has his plans for us, which may or may not match with your plans. Let go of the Ego.
 
Thank you very much for your reply, it was very helpful 🙂

Love,
Bloem
 
Hi Bloem. I just wanted to say welcome to a life of faith. It is all about ups and downs, pain and joys, questions, questions and more questions. As you come to accept the love God has for you and the forgiveness that is total and complete, you will come to exhibit more of those qualities yourself. Of course you cannot hope to forgive others all by yourself and it does not happen overnight. Why not ask God to help you want to forgive and allow God to take you where He will? Yes, it is a process and one that is well worth the time that it takes. Please don’t hesitate to be baptized. God wants you! Only “someone” who does not want you baptized would tempt you not to do something that is for you highest good. Pray for faith and go where love leads you. May God bless you!
 
Welcome Home
You are not alone also remember the Devil is alive and well and is tempting you not to be baptized.

I was baptized as an infant but that was about it. My parents stopped attending Mass when I was in Kindergarten.

The Holy Spirit started talking to me when I was in my early thirties but the Devil still tempted me not to be confirmed not to attend RCIA if fact I went to RCIA three times before I entered the Church. It was a fifteen year journey for me.

Follow the Lord you can’t go wrong.

May the Lord be with you—Stan.
 
Bloem said:
But now I feel as if I can’t get baptized yet, it wouldn’t be fair to God to ask for his forgiveness and not forgive others myself. I can’t do that

I was raised to fear God and that has left it’s mark. I feel as if I should take punishment and go through that first, before I can even start to heal.
m
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you cannot yet forgive because humanly it is impossible, but with God’s grace it becomes possible, that is why you need baptism, so you have his grace, in which you can do all things

in the last few months getting to know Jesus in the Gospels you should now know God as Love, and infinite mercy. To refuse the mercy and forgiveness he offers is the height of arrogance and irreverence, and it is the most common mistake we make. It is not for you to decide how God will forgive you, nor how he will punish you, if indeed you merit punishment. You don’t set the timing for healing, he does, and he is doing it by the invitation to baptism to which you are responding. Let God run the show, and don’t try to quarter back him.

Welcome Home!
 
Call the parish office and make an appointment to speak with the priest. By making an appointment, he will be able to set aside time for you and there will be no reason to think that you are intruding on his day. The Holy Spirit is calling you in to the Catholic Church, you need the grace of Baptism and the grace from the other sacrements to give you strength and hope.
 
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