Why is lonliness such a big deal?

[realtiger]

I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.

 

[Xantippe]

I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.

How about some therapy? And maybe a spiritual director?

It’s fine not to date or to marry, but I’m not sure that your current attitude is compatible with the Christian life. Not to be cliched, but WWJD? Jesus needed time alone and he didn’t have a family, but at the same time, he had a very rich social life–lots of close friends, plus lots of interactions with acquaintances. Oh, and lots of travel and service to others. Jesus didn’t just hide under a rock, which is what it sounds like you are planning on doing.

Food and shelter alone isn’t enough even for animals.

Think harder about what your vocation is.

 

[PolarGuy]

With due respect, when I was 25 I thought just like you did.

Next April l’ll celebrate my 15th anniversary with my wife, who thought she’d never get married.

Loneliness isn’t too bad? With due respect, virtually no 25 year olds know what real loneliness is. It can include the following:

1. Having absolutely nowhere to go on Christmas; Thanksgiving; or any holiday, including when you’re old & gray.
2. Having no one call you on your birthday; no cards; no letters; ever.
3. No one seeks you out; no one wants your opinion on anything; you’re irrelevant.

In short, no one cares that you’re alive.

THATS loneliness.

I like the old Jim Croce song, “operator,” about a man so lonely he basically uses a pay phone to hear the operators voice.

 

[Allegra]

A lot of people don’t feel longing for a spouse as keenly as others. I was very happy as a single woman. I had a very social and rewarding job. I had lots of time with my friends and family. I didn’t really feel lonely as I enjoyed my own company. I always had an intention to be married some day, but I was happy in the meantime. Then I met my husband and I got to experience a new kind of happiness. There’s nothing wrong with being happy as your are and 25 isn’t very old. I was nearly thirty when I started “looking”. Even so, it may be that marriage isn’t your vocation. Pray and ask God to help you discern what your vocation IS.

 

[RACJ]

God made us all with not only a need for a relationship with Him, but also with a longing for connections with other humans. YOU may be just the person that someone else needs during times of trouble, but if you never made the effort to connect with that person, and instead treated him/her as a ship passing in the night, you will not be there in that time of need! Rob

 

[cheezey]

With due respect, when I was 25 I thought just like you did.

Next April l’ll celebrate my 15th anniversary with my wife, who thought she’d never get married.

**Loneliness isn’t too bad? With due respect, virtually no 25 year olds know what real loneliness is. It can include the following:

1. Having absolutely nowhere to go on Christmas; Thanksgiving; or any holiday, including when you’re old & gray.
2. Having no one call you on your birthday; no cards; no letters; ever.
3. No one seeks you out; no one wants your opinion on anything; you’re irrelevant.

In short, no one cares that you’re alive.

THATS loneliness.

I like the old Jim Croce song, “operator,” about a man so lonely he basically uses a pay phone to hear the operators voice.**

true true true.

And it’s extraordinarily painful. Right now you are alone, and seem to prefer it. That’s fine. And you may change your mind later. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing.
Not one person on the planet remembered my birthday this year. Not one.
That was painful enough. But that there was no one who cared to remember was more painful.
.
THAT’S loneliness.

 

[angelic06]

cheezey:
true true true.

And it’s extraordinarily painful. Right now you are alone, and seem to prefer it. That’s fine. And you may change your mind later. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing.
Not one person on the planet *remembered my birthday *this year. Not one.
That was painful enough. But that there was no one who cared to remember was more painful.
.
THAT’S loneliness.

When was your birthday?

 

[GEddie]

cheezey:
true true true.

And it’s extraordinarily painful. Right now you are alone, and seem to prefer it. That’s fine. And you may change your mind later. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing.
Not one person on the planet remembered my birthday this year. Not one.
That was painful enough. But that there was no one who cared to remember was more painful.
.
THAT’S loneliness.

I’d celebrate your birthday with you Chica…except that you are 2,000 miles away…lucky you, we are literally hotter than Hell here!!(1)

ICXC NIKA

(1) Hell, Norway!!!

 

[angelic06]

I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.

I don’t consider having a girlfriend or a boyfriend a “calling” as such. Marriage is the calling. Courtship is for the purpose of discerning this. What we have in the United States is barely even that. Instead, what we have is one man who has a “girlfriend”…then goes for another, then still another…And with the women, the reverse: she finds her “boyfriend”…then finds another, then still another…

I have learned to almost detest the word “girlfriend/boyfriend”. It is like a perpetual college sorority, or even a sitcom. You know the accent, “This is my boyfriend, oh, he is the love of my life…” Then breakup ensues.

Over the years, I have learned not to seek a “girlfriend” as such, but to seek mature friendships, then seek courtship if this proves to be viable. In general, I think the “dating”/“hookup” scene in the United States is conducive to bringing more pain than to making good Christian saints, which is precisely what I aspire to be.

 

[GEddie]

I like the old Jim Croce song, “operator,” about a man so lonely he basically uses a pay phone to hear the operators voice.

It’s a great song, but IASTM that it was less about being lonely, per se, than about someone’s longing for a significant other he had lost and couldn’t let go of.

Being without a female/male relationship isn’t the same as being lonely.

And one can be in such a relationship, and when it goes wrong, be lonelier than ever.

ICXC NIKA

 

[cheezey]

I’d celebrate your birthday with you Chica…except that you are 2,000 miles away…lucky you, we are literally hotter than Hell here!!(1)

ICXC NIKA

(1) Hell, Norway!!!

Thanks!

So an A/C restaurant and Mexican food. And of course, fried ice cream.
Bet they don’t have FROZEN PUDDING ICE CREAM, though

 

[GEddie]

Over the years, I have learned not to seek a “girlfriend” as such, but to seek mature friendships, then seek courtship if this proves to be viable. In general, I think the “dating”/“hookup” scene in the United States is conducive to bringing more pain than to making good Christian saints, which is precisely what I aspire to be.

The postmodern flirting/dating game might result in holy marriages, but far more often leads to sexual sins and emotional contortions.

IMNAAHO

ICXC NIKA

 

[cheezey]

When was your birthday?

Quite a while ago. But exactly 30 days after the birthday of the only family member I have left. Cold, man, cold.
And this year was a calendar year for me. That doesn’t happen too terribly often. It arrived for a milestone birthday previously and that same thing didn’t happen.
Cold, man, cold.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I am 25 years old and I feel marriage and dating is not for me. I feel happy about being single. I also don’t hang out with too many friends either. I don’t know why people make such a huge deal about loneliness. I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

When I tell people I don’t want a girlfriend, they tell me I should find a girlfriend and that it is good. .

I realize some guys don’t have the gift or even calling to have a girlfriend. I think I am one of these guys. Also I think being in a relationship can be a burden. Being married and having children is definitely a cross that I am not willing to carry. I don’t think I can be man enough for a girlfriend or a family so I just try to be happy being single. It is no big deal.

That sounds like me all through my early and mid 20s. Then somewhere in my late 20s, I experienced feeling lonely for the first time and desired a girlfriend greatly. If you feel the same way that you feel now in a few years, good for you. But just know that time has a way of changing your mind sometimes.

 

[AKDee]

What you’re describing isn’t loneliness, so far as I can see.

You are choosing to live a life free of romantic attachment. Which isn’t bad, and is even suggested by some saints, such as Saint Paul in his epistles.

Loneliness is a feeling of missing the companionship of others.

If you don’t miss the companionship of a girlfriend, you aren’t lonely.

 

[angelic06]

Thanks!

So an A/C restaurant and Mexican food. And of course, fried ice cream.
Bet they don’t have FROZEN PUDDING ICE CREAM, though

Mexican food and ice cream, ehh?

I remember when I was in high school (a long time ago), my physics teacher loved telling of his Physics II class field trip, which was offered to each member of the class each year. Anyways, I think it was to New Mexico, where there was a place which offered ice cream stuffed sopapillas, which the teacher smiled when he talked about it.

 

[GEddie]

Thanks!

So an A/C restaurant and Mexican food. And of course, fried ice cream.
Bet they don’t have FROZEN PUDDING ICE CREAM, though

Probably not, but I’ve never looked for it, either

If I get my Bilocational Body for Hannukah this year, I’ll do next year with you

ICXC NIKA

 

[cheezey]

Probably not, but I’ve never looked for it, either

If I get my Bilocational Body for Hannukah this year, I’ll do next year with you

ICXC NIKA

If you would like to try FPIC, come to Massachusetts. We have the best!

 

[GEddie]

Mexican food and ice cream, ehh?

I remember when I was in high school (a long time ago), my physics teacher loved telling of his Physics II class field trip, which was offered to each member of the class each year. Anyways, I think it was to New Mexico, where there was a place which offered ice cream stuffed sopapillas, which the teacher smiled when he talked about it.

Wow.

Last time I was in NM, it was mid-winter! Such not available!!

While now in my corner of NA, that’s still almost 900 miles! Not in the cards currently!!!

ICXC NIKA

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

Relationships and marriage aren’t for everybody, I’d be the first to say it.

What concerns me, OP, is that I don’t think you’re speaking from a “But I’m happy with my life as it is!” viewpoint…I get the feeling you’re speaking from a “I’m too afraid of getting hurt to try” viewpoint. I base this off the following:

I have food and shelter. I should be happy about this.

Yes, it’s great to have food and shelter, and it’s a good thing to be aware of how fortunate you are to live someplace where going hungry isn’t an issue. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for just the bare necessities of life–there’s nothing wrong with wanting something more.

I remember talking to a girl in church and I had a crush on her but lately looks like she has been pushing me off and now I try to distance myself. I learned to be more with God with her but now maybe I should cut ties with her and take what I have learned from her or just at least stop thinking about her as much or be disillusioned with any ideas of us being close friends.

This just comes across as somebody who is doing their best to guard their feelings…which is sad.

When I like a girl many times I try to repress my feelings. I don’t feel it is worth it to like someone who will not feel the same way for me.

This is definitely a “If I don’t let myself feel anything deeper, I won’t get hurt” stance. It’s true that if you don’t let anybody in, they can’t hurt you, but by the same caveat, they can’t grow to love you, either.

There’s nothing wrong with preferring one’s own company and wanting the single life, if that’s what you REALLY want…but I can’t help but think what you want is to never be hurt again. And that breaks my heart for you.