Why Is Sexual Orientation Anyone's Business?

[ATeutonicKnight]

I think we first of all live in a very sexualized society, which cannot be clearer. However, we also live in a very nosy one. Why is sexual orientation anyone’s business? People will ask you if you’re gay if they suspect you due to innocuous and stereotypical reasons (“Oh, you sing and like musicals? Are you gay?”). But to me, I don’t care if you fill every stereotype to a T, why is it anyone’s right to ask you if you are gay or not? Your sexual orientation doesn’t matter, but it’s also very personal, and I think it crosses many boundaries to ask someone about it.

This isn’t a rant, it’s just an honest question as to why people think they have a right to ask someone about it. To me, it’s like asking a couple how many children they plan to have. I remember one person said when people ask that, she replies “I don’t know, how many do you think we should have?” in order to convey the point that that is a very personal question and people shouldn’t ask it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would never, ever ask if someone was gay. That’s such a rude question. Even if they are gay they are going to wonder if you asked because you dislike gay people.

I don’t assume that anyone is straight either though. It leads to too many awkward problems when you ask someone if he has a girlfriend only to hear “Actually, I’m gay”.

Basically, as far as I’m concerned everyone is asexual until they either tell me otherwise, overtly hit on me, or I see a picture of them with their partner/family on their desk/facebook/whatever. (I guess I also found out once that a coworker was gay because I overheard him arguing on the phone with his partner over whose turn it was to go to the grocery store).

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Who asks this? In mixed company I would never ask such a thing. I have asked close friends and family who I had a relationship with that I could ask such things. But who honestly is going around seriously asking “Are you gay?” To someone?

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I would never, ever ask if someone was gay. That’s such a rude question. Even if they are gay they are going to wonder if you asked because you dislike gay people.

I don’t assume that anyone is straight either though. It leads to too many awkward problems when you ask someone if he has a girlfriend only to hear “Actually, I’m gay”.

Basically, as far as I’m concerned everyone is asexual until they either tell me otherwise, overtly hit on me, or I see a picture of them with their partner/family on their desk/facebook/whatever. (I guess I also found out once that a coworker was gay because I overheard him arguing on the phone with his partner over whose turn it was to go to the grocery store).

For whatever reason, people ask me this question from time to time. I’m not saying seeing someone and sometimes wondering if they are gay is inherently wrong, but actually pondering on it and asking the person? That’s crossing a line. I don’t answer the question with a yes or no when posed to me, because I’m not going to give people the satisfaction of knowing that I’m either one. When I tell friends that people sometimes ask me, they say “Of course you’re not gay!” I don’t want them to say that, either. It doesn’t matter if I am or not, because it’s a major boundary being crossed regardless of your orientation.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Who asks this? In mixed company I would never ask such a thing. I have asked close friends and family who I had a relationship with that I could ask such things. But who honestly is going around seriously asking “Are you gay?” To someone?

I haven’t had as many people ask me as I’ve had people joke about me being gay. It was always friendly and never spiteful, but still, it crosses a line of privacy that should never be crossed.

 

[agnes_therese]

. However, we also live in a very nosy one. Why is sexual orientation anyone’s business? People will ask you if you’re gay if they suspect you due to innocuous and stereotypical reasons (“Oh, you sing and like musicals? Are you gay?”). But to me, I don’t care if you fill every stereotype to a T, why is it anyone’s right to ask you if you are gay or not?

It isn’t anyone’s right to ask. I’m afraid I’d be tempted to be rude right back.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

For whatever reason, people ask me this question from time to time. I’m not saying seeing someone and sometimes wondering if they are gay is inherently wrong, but actually pondering on it and asking the person? That’s crossing a line. I don’t answer the question with a yes or no when posed to me, because I’m not going to give people the satisfaction of knowing that I’m either one. When I tell friends that people sometimes ask me, they say “Of course you’re not gay!” I don’t want them to say that, either. It doesn’t matter if I am or not, because it’s a major boundary being crossed regardless of your orientation.

I wonder why people feel like they can say these things to you. And you are right to point out that they are out of place in asking. But your motivation for not answering should not be one of not giving them satisfaction. Personally, if someone asked if I was disordered, I may or may not dignify that with a response at all. But I may defend myself in some way that gets the point across. Especially given people’s penchant for assuming and gossiping.

As a man, it would bother me if someone thought I was gay. I would question what “signals” I was sending out. It would also anger me that I have to even address it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

For whatever reason, people ask me this question from time to time. I’m not saying seeing someone and sometimes wondering if they are gay is inherently wrong, but actually pondering on it and asking the person? That’s crossing a line. I don’t answer the question with a yes or no when posed to me, because I’m not going to give people the satisfaction of knowing that I’m either one. When I tell friends that people sometimes ask me, they say “Of course you’re not gay!” I don’t want them to say that, either. It doesn’t matter if I am or not, because it’s a major boundary being crossed regardless of your orientation.

Oh yeah, but you see this kind of boundary crossing all the time these days. I have had people ask me flat out how much my husband makes. When I looked shocked and ask them why they want to know, half the time it’s because they want to know if “that master’s degree he went for was actually worth it”.

Or people who ask me when I plan to have kids, or what my bra size is (yep, I’ve gotten that one too). Or, my absolute favorite, people ask me if I’m pregnant! I’m pretty thin, so if I’m bloated, or even if I just gain 5 pounds, it shows, and people think it’s ok to comment.

Of course, ask anyone who looks like they are in less than perfect health and they’ll tell you that they get personal questions and comments about their medical history all the time. My husband felt the sting of that one when he was in chemo. He wore winter hats all through the summer and strangers would have the nerve to lecture him about wearing hats in public, comment that he looked like a thug, or they would just walk up to him in the mall and say “What kind of cancer do you have?”

We live in an ask-all tell-all society.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I wonder why people feel like they can say these things to you. And you are right to point out that they are out of place in asking. But your motivation for not answering should not be one of not giving them satisfaction. Personally, if someone asked if I was disordered, I may or may not dignify that with a response at all. But I may defend myself in some way that gets the point across. Especially given people’s penchant for assuming and gossiping.

As a man, it would bother me if someone thought I was gay. I would question what “signals” I was sending out. It would also anger me that I have to even address it.

By answering their question, I’m feeding the open-as-a-book mentality our society has. I don’t care if people think or wonder if I am gay. Who cares? I don’t care what people think, I care what God thinks. You should of course act as a respectable human being, but this doesn’t mean being bothered by someone thinking or asking something about you.

Oh yeah, but you see this kind of boundary crossing all the time these days. I have had people ask me flat out how much my husband makes. When I looked shocked and ask them why they want to know, half the time it’s because they want to know if “that master’s degree he went for was actually worth it”.

Or people who ask me when I plan to have kids, or what my bra size is (yep, I’ve gotten that one too). Or, my absolute favorite, people ask me if I’m pregnant! I’m pretty thin, so if I’m bloated, or even if I just gain 5 pounds, it shows, and people think it’s ok to comment.

Of course, ask anyone who looks like they are in less than perfect health and they’ll tell you that they get personal questions and comments about their medical history all the time. My husband felt the sting of that one when he was in chemo. He wore winter hats all through the summer and strangers would have the nerve to lecture him about wearing hats in public, comment that he looked like a thug, or they would just walk up to him in the mall and say “What kind of cancer do you have?”

We live in an ask-all tell-all society.

Dear goodness. Do people really have no boundaries?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I haven’t had as many people ask me as I’ve had people joke about me being gay. It was always friendly and never spiteful, but still, it crosses a line of privacy that should never be crossed.

Yeah that is a little different.

I am not saying that people should joke like that, but it is more common than just flat out asking someone. It might be that they are joking as a cover for a real feeling or question. Or that they are joking in a cultural way that seems to be the norm nowadays. Which is sad.

I like the idea of not playing into the game at all. Especially if they are joking. Or turing around and saying. “I don’t think that is an appropriate subject for jokes.”

One thing I learned in sports was that on a team, the leaders stand up and say what is or is not acceptable. I always did. And in football, not one teammate would use bad language or subject matter around me. Not because they thought me a prude, but because they knew I would come down on them.
Anyone could and should command respect.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

B
Dear goodness. Do people really have no boundaries?

If they did, they wouldn’t ask you who you are sexually attracted to

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Yeah that is a little different.

I am not saying that people should joke like that, but it is more common than just flat out asking someone. It might be that they are joking as a cover for a real feeling or question. Or that they are joking in a cultural way that seems to be the norm nowadays. Which is sad.

I like the idea of not playing into the game at all. Especially if they are joking. Or turing around and saying. “I don’t think that is an appropriate subject for jokes.”

One thing I learned in sports was that on a team, the leaders stand up and say what is or is not acceptable. I always did. And in football, not one teammate would use bad language or subject matter around me. Not because they thought me a prude, but because they knew I would come down on them.
Anyone could and should command respect.

Absolutely. When I finally spoke up about it, I did so charitably, but definitely firmly, and it got the point across. Nobody makes those jokes to me or around me anymore, except for a few thick-headed people that aren’t worth my time bothering with.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

By answering their question, I’m feeding the open-as-a-book mentality our society has. I don’t care if people think or wonder if I am gay. Who cares? I don’t care what people think, I care what God thinks. You should of course act as a respectable human being, but this doesn’t mean being bothered by someone thinking or asking something about you.

Dear goodness. Do people really have no boundaries?

I get it. I really do.

I am married and have four kids. So I can just laugh it off and not care what people think. I might not be inclined to have such an attitude if I was not married had no kids and always had to defend myself.

For the record. I am a big tough guy.

I cry. A lot, movies, shows, and even some commercials (curse you hallmark!). Sometimes even when I am just sharing feelings or a conversation.

I LOVE musicals. Les Mis, Miss Saigon, Wizard of OZ, Mary Poppins Sound of Music. Phantom of the Opera

I actually get into baking shows. (ok, I am a little fat)

I am a stay at home dad, who complains about the laundry, cooking, and how I get no recognition for my efforts. (Ah, I understand what mom was always talking about now.)

Though I play all sports, Tennis is my ultimate love.

I like ballet, and Ice Dancing. I think they can be the ultimate proof of God’s hand in the human soul and proof of our special place separate from the animals.

I can respect and say without any hesitation what so ever, that Chuck Norris is a beautiful man.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh yeah, but you see this kind of boundary crossing all the time these days. I have had people ask me flat out how much my husband makes. When I looked shocked and ask them why they want to know, half the time it’s because they want to know if “that master’s degree he went for was actually worth it”.

Or people who ask me when I plan to have kids, or what my bra size is (yep, I’ve gotten that one too). Or, my absolute favorite, people ask me if I’m pregnant! I’m pretty thin, so if I’m bloated, or even if I just gain 5 pounds, it shows, and people think it’s ok to comment.

Of course, ask anyone who looks like they are in less than perfect health and they’ll tell you that they get personal questions and comments about their medical history all the time. My husband felt the sting of that one when he was in chemo. He wore winter hats all through the summer and strangers would have the nerve to lecture him about wearing hats in public, comment that he looked like a thug, or they would just walk up to him in the mall and say “What kind of cancer do you have?”

We live in an ask-all tell-all society.

I don’t even ask why they want to know. If they had a good reason, they would bring that up before asking, and ask if it was OK to cross the boundary. On that account, when I’m asked an inappropriate questions, I just say, “I beg your pardon?” If they give an answer, I just say, “Well, sorry, but I don’t answer such personal questions.” I have actually had a person pursue me after that, insisting, “C’mon, you can tell me!” I did not tell her.

Oh, OK, I will admit it: when someone I know asked me if I was pregnant, I did not say “I beg your pardon?”, Instead, I just chirped: “Nope! Just getting too fat, I guess!” I have to admit, I enjoyed making him stammer whatever it was he stammered. Had I actually been pregnant, I would have told him, but I would have chided him for asking a question like that. A relative of mine got that six months after she delivered, and she was crushed.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Absolutely. When I finally spoke up about it, I did so charitably, but definitely firmly, and it got the point across. Nobody makes those jokes to me or around me anymore, except for a few thick-headed people that aren’t worth my time bothering with.

I take a page from Miss Manner’s book on this one. When someone asks a question that is none of their business and downright rude, I just look at them with a confused look on my face and say “I beg your pardon?” If they’re clueless enough to repeat the question, I look horrified, shake my head, and walk away.

I may look pregnant, but they look far worse.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think we first of all live in a very sexualized society, which cannot be clearer. However, we also live in a very nosy one. Why is sexual orientation anyone’s business? People will ask you if you’re gay if they suspect you due to innocuous and stereotypical reasons (“Oh, you sing and like musicals? Are you gay?”). But to me, I don’t care if you fill every stereotype to a T, why is it anyone’s right to ask you if you are gay or not? Your sexual orientation doesn’t matter, but it’s also very personal, and I think it crosses many boundaries to ask someone about it.

This isn’t a rant, it’s just an honest question as to why people think they have a right to ask someone about it. To me, it’s like asking a couple how many children they plan to have. I remember one person said when people ask that, she replies “I don’t know, how many do you think we should have?” in order to convey the point that that is a very personal question and people shouldn’t ask it.

Not only should they not ask, but those who know should consider it a personal question about you that they should not answer when others ask them, excepting to say, “Well, if you mean will he go to the movies with you if you ask him, I’d say I think you ought to go ahead and ask him. The worst he can do is to say ‘no’”.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t even ask why they want to know. If they had a good reason, they would bring that up before asking, and ask if it was OK to cross the boundary. On that account, when I’m asked an inappropriate questions, I just say, “I beg your pardon?” If they give an answer, I just say, “Well, sorry, but I don’t answer such personal questions.” I have actually had a person pursue me after that, insisting, “C’mon, you can tell me!” I did not tell her.

Oh, OK, I will admit it: when someone I know asked me if I was pregnant, I did not say “I beg your pardon?”, Instead, I just chirped: “Nope! Just getting too fat, I guess!” I have to admit, I enjoyed making him stammer whatever it was he stammered. Had I actually been pregnant, I would have told him, but I would have chided him for asking a question like that. A relative of mine got that six months after she delivered, and she was crushed.

Your answer is similar to mine, you just posted it first

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I get it. I really do.

I am married and have four kids. So I can just laugh it off and not care what people think. I might not be inclined to have such an attitude if I was not married had no kids and always had to defend myself.

For the record. I am a big tough guy.

I cry. A lot, movies, shows, and even some commercials (curse you hallmark!). Sometimes even when I am just sharing feelings or a conversation.

I LOVE musicals. Les Mis, Miss Saigon, Wizard of OZ, Mary Poppins Sound of Music. Phantom of the Opera

I actually get into baking shows. (ok, I am a little fat)

I am a stay at home dad, who complains about the laundry, cooking, and how I get no recognition for my efforts. (Ah, I understand what mom was always talking about now.)

Though I play all sports, Tennis is my ultimate love.

I like ballet, and Ice Dancing. I think they can be the ultimate proof of God’s hand in the human soul and proof of our special place separate from the animals.

I can respect and say without any hesitation what so ever, that Chuck Norris is a beautiful man.

I don’t even ask why they want to know. If they had a good reason, they would bring that up before asking, and ask if it was OK to cross the boundary. On that account, when I’m asked an inappropriate questions, I just say, “I beg your pardon?” If they give an answer, I just say, “Well, sorry, but I don’t answer such personal questions.” I have actually had a person pursue me after that, insisting, “C’mon, you can tell me!” I did not tell her.

Oh, OK, I will admit it: when someone I know asked me if I was pregnant, I did not say “I beg your pardon?”, Instead, I just chirped: “Nope! Just getting too fat, I guess!” I have to admit, I enjoyed making him stammer whatever it was he stammered. Had I actually been pregnant, I would have told him, but I would have chided him for asking a question like that. A relative of mine got that six months after she delivered, and she was crushed.

I take a page from Miss Manner’s book on this one. When someone asks a question that is none of their business and downright rude, I just look at them with a confused look on my face and say “I beg your pardon?” If they’re clueless enough to repeat the question, I look horrified, shake my head, and walk away.

I may look pregnant, but they look far worse.

I agree with all of these posts. I think what inspired this thread is yesterday when I was in the car with my sister, and she told me my mother was greatly concerned that I was in love with my spiritual director and had always worried that I was gay. Seriously? So what if I am? Is it really something to worry your entire life over? And why would you discuss it with said person’s sister, that person’s mother or not?

 

[Lochias]

Oh yeah, but you see this kind of boundary crossing all the time these days. I have had people ask me flat out how much my husband makes. When I looked shocked and ask them why they want to know, half the time it’s because they want to know if “that master’s degree he went for was actually worth it”.

Or people who ask me when I plan to have kids, or what my bra size is (yep, I’ve gotten that one too). Or, my absolute favorite, people ask me if I’m pregnant! I’m pretty thin, so if I’m bloated, or even if I just gain 5 pounds, it shows, and people think it’s ok to comment.

Of course, ask anyone who looks like they are in less than perfect health and they’ll tell you that they get personal questions and comments about their medical history all the time. My husband felt the sting of that one when he was in chemo. He wore winter hats all through the summer and strangers would have the nerve to lecture him about wearing hats in public, comment that he looked like a thug, or they would just walk up to him in the mall and say “What kind of cancer do you have?”

We live in an ask-all tell-all society.

Totally agreed. There’s been a degradation of decorum and personal respect regarding these things in our country as of late.

 

[meltzerboy]

I think we first of all live in a very sexualized society, which cannot be clearer. However, we also live in a very nosy one. Why is sexual orientation anyone’s business? People will ask you if you’re gay if they suspect you due to innocuous and stereotypical reasons (“Oh, you sing and like musicals? Are you gay?”). But to me, I don’t care if you fill every stereotype to a T, why is it anyone’s right to ask you if you are gay or not? Your sexual orientation doesn’t matter, but it’s also very personal, and I think it crosses many boundaries to ask someone about it.

This isn’t a rant, it’s just an honest question as to why people think they have a right to ask someone about it. To me, it’s like asking a couple how many children they plan to have. I remember one person said when people ask that, she replies “I don’t know, how many do you think we should have?” in order to convey the point that that is a very personal question and people shouldn’t ask it.

This is one of the very few times I agree with former VP Dick Cheney, who said it is nobody’s business.