Why isn't remarriage possible in this case?

[Julie_de_Sales]

I’m sure this subject has been discussed before but I cannot understand why the Catholic Church doesn’t allow remarriage in case of adultery. I know a young couple that got married and shortly after the wedding the wife cheated on him. Assuming it was a valid marriage, I can’t help but think the innocent spouse should have the chance to marry someone else and not need to be single the rest of his life, especially when reading Matthew 5:32 “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” I’m aware there are different interpretations of this verse but it does seem like a valid possibility (to be able to remarry if you have been cheated on).

Do you struggle with this and how to better understand this situation?

 

[Stephen_says]

I’m sure this subject has been discussed before but I cannot understand why the Catholic Church doesn’t allow remarriage in case of adultery. I know a young couple that got married and shortly after the wedding the wife cheated on him. Assuming it was a valid marriage, I can’t help but think the innocent spouse should have the chance to marry someone else and not need to be single the rest of his life, especially when reading Matthew 5:32 “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” I’m aware there are different interpretations of this verse but it does seem like a valid possibility (to be able to remarry if you have been cheated on).

Do you struggle with this and how to better understand this situation?

I’m assuming that there is no possibility of reconciliation?

It is hard to live as a faithful catholic in this fallen world. Sometimes our crosses are brought on naturally, such as when a spouse becomes severely ill or is in an accident that requires much care . Should we be allowed divorce then? Why should we live like that?

But sometimes our crosses are thrust upon us by someone else’s choice. It is very sad what happened to your friend, but if it was a valid marriage, he is still married, not single.

His vocation is to assist his wife towards salvation, just as the spouse of an ill person must assist them with their temporal needs.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I’m sure this subject has been discussed before but I cannot understand why the Catholic Church doesn’t allow remarriage in case of adultery. I know a young couple that got married and shortly after the wedding the wife cheated on him. Assuming it was a valid marriage, I can’t help but think the innocent spouse should have the chance to marry someone else and not need to be single the rest of his life, especially when reading Matthew 5:32 “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” I’m aware there are different interpretations of this verse but it does seem like a valid possibility (to be able to remarry if you have been cheated on).

Do you struggle with this and how to better understand this situation?

Seems to me that that particular case might be grounds for annulment, meaning no marriage ever existed, thus freeing the young man to have a valid marriage. So, he should investigate an annulment. That is my inexpert opinion and I am sure others more knowledgeable will have (name removed by moderator)ut. If someone is unfaithful shortly after a wedding ceremony, then it seems likely that that person was too immature for wedding vows or did not ever intend to be faithful. Each of those things could be reason enough for an annulment.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I’m aware there are different interpretations of this verse…

There certainly are. Adultery, though gravely sinful, does not in itself invalidate a valid marriage.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Sorry, I overlooked this:

…Assuming it was a valid marriage, …

So…

I’m assuming that there is no possibility of reconciliation?

It is hard to live as a faithful catholic in this fallen world. Sometimes our crosses are brought on naturally, such as when a spouse becomes severely ill or is in an accident that requires much care . Should we be allowed divorce then? Why should we live like that?

But sometimes our crosses are thrust upon us by someone else’s choice. It is very sad what happened to your friend, but if it was a valid marriage, he is still married, not single.

His vocation is to assist his wife towards salvation, just as the spouse of an ill person must assist them with their temporal needs.

 

[Wesrock]

If it’s a valid marriage, the vow includes no “exception” clause. Marriage is in the image of the most Holy Trinity, Father and Son. It is also in the image of Christ and the Church. These are unbreakable, with a love that ‘bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.’

 

[SwizzleStick]

Yes, thank you, I overlooked that at first reading. Thus, you are correct. A valid marriage is a valid marriage.

 

[Brassring]

If a marriage is declared invalid, then was the extra-marital activity actually adultery?

I’m not attempting to be facetious, I’m actually wondering. Would the sin of the unfaithful spouse be adultery or fornication (assuming the other party wasn’t married)?

 

[Kay_Cee]

If it’s a valid marriage, the vow includes no “exception” clause. Marriage is in the image of the most Holy Trinity, Father and Son. It is also in the image of Christ and the Church. These are unbreakable, with a love that ‘bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.’

Also, if it’s a valid marriage, then God has joined the spouses together. If the marriage can be broken by the sinful act of adultery, doesn’t that mean sin can force God’s Hand to undo what He has done?

 

[seagal]

What hasn’t been made clear is exactly what a valid marriage is. There are 4 conditions for a marriage to be declared valid

1. The spouses must be free to marry.
2. They must freely exchange their consent, i.e. there is no overt or presumed coercion or pressure to marry from the other partner, parents, whatever.
3. They must have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to children.
4. Their consent must be given in the canonical form, i.e., in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized church minister.
   ,
   Notice that all the conditions must all be present at the time of the wedding. In other words, what happens after the ceremony doesn’t make a marriage valid or invalid.

If the marriage is declared to be valid, the church doesn’t have the authority to allow remarriage since it is God who tells us that marriage is “til death do us part”, not the church.
CCC paragraph 1640 (emphasis mine)

1640 Thus the marriage bond has been established by God himself in such a way that a marriage concluded and consummated between baptized persons can never be dissolved. This bond, which results from the free human act of the spouses and their consummation of the marriage, is a reality, henceforth irrevocable, and gives rise to a covenant guaranteed by God’s fidelity. The Church does not have the power to contravene this disposition of divine wisdom.

 

[Brassring]

Suppose the person wanted to go to confession. Should they confess the sin of adultery, or the sin of fornication?

Or, maybe I’m just curious. Not everything has to matter.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I realize the case where one spouse cheats on the other but the faithful spouse doesn’t get a chance to remarry is difficult and sounds unfair.

On the other hand, a lot of spouses cheat and in many cases the marriages do not break up over it; often the cheater doesn’t even want to break up. I’m not saying that makes cheating OK, or a pleasant thing to deal with, but I have known a lot of couples including in my own family who did not break up over it and in most cases the cheater returned to his or her spouse after a while.

I think the permanency of marriage in the Catholic Church can have the good purpose of making people think very hard about who they are choosing for a partner, including becoming aware of that person’s faults and tendencies and deciding whether or not they can live with those faults and tendencies (which may include a wandering eye), before they take that big step to the altar. At least it did in my case.

 

[1ke]

Suppose the person wanted to go to confession. Should they confess the sin of adultery, or the sin of fornication?

Or, maybe I’m just curious. Not everything has to matter.

If at least one of them married in good faith, the marriage is a putative marriage until and unless nullity is certain.

They were operating under a putative marriage, therefore they believed they were married. They engaged in relations with a person other than their lawful and putative spouse.

That, my friend, is adultery. It is adultery in its intent and reality.

The finding of nullity does not change whatever sins were committed during the putative marriage into some other sin.

 

[Usige]

If at least one of them married in good faith, the marriage is a putative marriage until and unless nullity is certain.

They were operating under a putative marriage, therefore they believed they were married. They engaged in relations with a person other than their lawful and putative spouse.

That, my friend, is adultery. It is adultery in its intent and reality.

The finding of nullity does not change whatever sins were committed during the putative marriage into some other sin.

That’s pretty much what I was going to write. While the good Deacon is correct that it is grave matter either way, growing in holiness requires us to look at the motivation to dig up the diseased root of the sin. In this case the assumed nature of the relationship at the time the sin is committed is very relevant.

 

[Usige]

I realize the case where one spouse cheats on the other but the faithful spouse doesn’t get a chance to remarry is difficult and sounds unfair.

On the other hand, a lot of spouses cheat and in many cases the marriages do not break up over it; often the cheater doesn’t even want to break up. I’m not saying that makes cheating OK, or a pleasant thing to deal with, but I have known a lot of couples including in my own family who did not break up over it and in most cases the cheater returned to his or her spouse after a while.

That is one of the hard things for many to accept. Part of being a Christian is to forgive those who have wronged us. If we say a single act of adultery is a “get out of jail free” card then one has to ask why Christ died fir our sins. Could he not have just said “Father, these are an unfaithful lot and undeserving of mercy.” He could have, but he didn’t because he loved us and wants us to join him in his Father’s house.

That is not to excuse adultery, but rather to say that none of us are faultless and need to be willing to say" you wronged me, but I forgive you as Christ forgave us." Obviously there are situations where it is not a single fault, but then the validity of the marriage is based not on those acts so much as what those acts say about a person’s ability to enter into a valid marriage.

I think the permanency of marriage in the Catholic Church can have the good purpose of making people think very hard about who they are choosing for a partner, including becoming aware of that person’s faults and tendencies and deciding whether or not they can live with those faults and tendencies (which may include a wandering eye), before they take that big step to the altar. At least it did in my case.

I think that is true. We have many couples in precana who balk at a question if they would remain with their spouse if they were unfaithful. We use that question to talk about permanency and what they consider unforgivable. I often ask them if they are willing to love each other as Christ loved us by giving up their lives even if their spouse was guilty. It makes many squirm, but it is what we are called to do.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We have many couples in precana who balk at a question if they would remain with their spouse if they were unfaithful. We use that question to talk about permanency and what they consider unforgivable. I often ask them if they are willing to love each other as Christ loved us by giving up their lives even if their spouse was guilty. It makes many squirm, but it is what we are called to do.

This is actually a GREAT question/ discussion topic for Pre-Cana. There is an attitude nowadays that if somebody cheats then that’s it, over, done, final, the end, even if the couple is not married to each other yet, and it’s not even an attitude stemming from religion, it’s something from the culture, probably a reaction against the “Free Love Era” that produced so many dysfunctional families. Couples need to understand that some people are going to slip up and you need to be prepared to deal with it.

 

[Gertabelle]

This is actually a GREAT question/ discussion topic for Pre-Cana. There is an attitude nowadays that if somebody cheats then that’s it, over, done, final, the end, even if the couple is not married to each other yet, and it’s not even an attitude stemming from religion, it’s something from the culture, probably a reaction against the “Free Love Era” that produced so many dysfunctional families. Couples need to understand that some people are going to slip up and you need to be prepared to deal with it.

My dear friend was married less than a year when she engaged in some online cheating – never face-to-face, but that didn’t change the actions in which she engaged. She and her husband were both very young when they married (21 and 22).

She told her husband of her actions, and he walked out on her that moment and never spoke to her until after he filed for divorce. She was genuinely repentant and has spent the time since then to grow in holiness. Her now ex-husband then filed for an annulment, which is still pending, started dating his ex-wife’s best friend, got her pregnant, married her in a civil ceremony.

Who’s showing the real maturity here? Yes, my friend committed a repulsive sin. But what about her husband, who at the first moment of “worse” (as in for better or for worse) ran away from his wife and his vows? It breaks my heart… :sad_yes: :bighanky:

For better for worse means just that. But so many couples seem to believe that “worse” will be struggles beyond their control – illness, unemployment, death in the family… But the worst of the worst comes from within, from how couples treat each other, and whether they accept the grace to forgive, and to repent…

So says the divorced, middle-aged mom.

 

[Marcus_T]

I was in a similar situation. My ex-wife started cheating on me shortly after we married. Her first affair came about 3 years into our marriage. I only found out about it after the affair was over and that was when she revealed it to me. I forgave her but told her not to do it again. Apparently during the next 17 years she had multiple affairs which I was not aware of. She wanted to marry the last man she was having an affair with and insisted on a divorce (which we eventually did). I wasn’t sure if I was required to get an annulment and asked to speak to a priest. The priest told me that if I had no plans to ever marry again, an annulment was not necessary but recommended I get one anyway because he said you don’t know your future and I might fall in love again. Anyway, I applied for an annulment and it was denied because the church said my marriage was valid and adultery was not grounds for an annulment. That was 15 years ago and I have remained single (never dating) and celibate. Yes, it is a cross to bear but one I gladly accept.

 

[pianistclare]

My dear friend was married less than a year when she engaged in some online cheating – never face-to-face, but that didn’t change the actions in which she engaged. She and her husband were both very young when they married (21 and 22).

She told her husband of her actions, and he walked out on her that moment and never spoke to her until after he filed for divorce. She was genuinely repentant and has spent the time since then to grow in holiness. Her now ex-husband then filed for an annulment, which is still pending, started dating his ex-wife’s best friend, got her pregnant, married her in a civil ceremony.

Who’s showing the real maturity here? Yes, my friend committed a repulsive sin. But what about her husband, who at the first moment of “worse” (as in for better or for worse) ran away from his wife and his vows? It breaks my heart… :sad_yes: :bighanky:

For better for worse means just that. But so many couples seem to believe that “worse” will be struggles beyond their control – illness, unemployment, death in the family… But the worst of the worst comes from within, from how couples treat each other, and whether they accept the grace to forgive, and to repent…

So says the divorced, middle-aged mom.

Sounds like he was waiting for an opportunity to bolt. And with her best friend, no less. Ay yay yay.

 

[nodito]

There is an attitude nowadays that if somebody cheats then that’s it, over, done, final, the end, even if the couple is not married to each other yet

If a couple is not married yet, infidelity absolutely should signal the end. A lifetime is a long time to be married to someone who wasn’t able to refrain from cheating even during the honeymoon dating stage. And breaking it off when one is able would help avoid the unfortunate situation the OP described, where a person finds himself married to someone who is not faithful.