Why parents are seem so hung-up on me going to RCIA/possibly converting

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scorpio1990

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I am going to the local church’s RCIA meetings in late September/early October. I do not know what will happen. Will I convert, not convert, be hit by a train on the way to the first meeting making any speculation completely meaningless? I don’t know.

But my mother seems so hung-up on the idea that I may convert to another religion (and she is not exactly the most religious of people), which is strange. I’d thought she’d be happy with me finding any religion. Plus the fact she really stopped trying to control me at 15 and I’d say officially stopped at 17. I’m 22 now. It’s weird she’d be trying to exert any control now.

So my question to those on CAF is this: what is going on here? What’s going on in her head? Normally I’m pretty good at reading other people, especially my family, but I’m at a lost here.
 
Easy. People who are not religious tend to not like religion, even though they might say they are tolerant and open minded. When someone close to them decides to go into that direction it scares them. You are choosing something that she doesn’t understand and probably doesn’t like. This is out of her comfort zone. Maybe she thinks you have lost your sound and rational mind and are entering a cult where you will be brainwashed. You are choosing something different from what you were raised to ‘freely’ choose. So many people in your shoes experience this. It is perfectly normal, although it can be very hard for the convert.

Whatever happens in your RCIA, share things with her and try to put her at ease. If you convert she may never understand, or she could open up to the idea and follow you. You never know.

Best of luck!
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Easy. People who are not religious tend to not like religion, even though they might say they are tolerant and open minded. When someone close to them decides to go into that direction it scares them. You are choosing something that she doesn’t understand and probably doesn’t like. This is out of her comfort zone. Maybe she thinks you have lost your sound and rational mind and are entering a cult where you will be brainwashed. You are choosing something different from what you were raised to ‘freely’ choose. So many people in your shoes experience this. It is perfectly normal, although it can be very hard for the convert.

Whatever happens in your RCIA, share things with her and try to put her at ease. If you convert she may never understand, or she could open up to the idea and follow you. You never know.

Best of luck!
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I see where you’re coming from and, but I don’t think that’s the case. This is a woman who forcibly baptized me at the age of eleven (for the sake/happiness of the family as she said). I know some might say that’s a good thing but here’s my view: this should have been treated like the Lutheran (that’s what she is/I was) version of Confirmation: it is up to the person receiving the sacrament to choose it (that is correct right: confirmation must be freely chosen?), at least once the person reaches past a certain age.
 
Interesting.

I have seen this happen as well. Parents who baptise their children and are happy with them taking first communion and then being confirmed (these are all Catholics) but for them religion is simply not meant to be taken too seriously. Such parents are very confused when their children turn out to be devout and sometimes find that to be too extreme. I think that baptism and other sacraments are simply seen as cultural and nice old customs that should be preserved, but not something that should have much relevance in the real world.

Do you think this could be the case? That she see you being interested to the point of starting RCIA as being too interested? Plus, Lutherans tend to have some bias when it comes to the Catholic church.

Why not ask her to explain her attitude and her concerns?
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Interesting.

I have seen this happen as well. Parents who baptise their children and are happy with them taking first communion and then being confirmed (these are all Catholics) but for them religion is simply not meant to be taken too seriously. Such parents are very confused when their children turn out to be devout and sometimes find that to be too extreme. I think that baptism and other sacraments are simply seen as cultural and nice old customs that should be preserved, but not something that should have much relevance in the real world.

Do you think this could be the case? That she see you being interested to the point of starting RCIA as being too interested? Plus, Lutherans tend to have some bias when it comes to the Catholic church.

Why not ask her to explain her attitude and her concerns?
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I don’t think that’s the case either. I think part might have to do with me finally leaving. I’m finishing college in a year and due to the job market might stay in state close to family or might have to move all the way to the east coast, wherever I can find work. I’m the baby of the family and I feel that since my older sister is in another state and that now I could be leaving (in two senses) she’s just scared.

Also I know you may have missed it but confirmation: it’s a choice somebody raised in the catholic tradition makes once they reach a certain age right?

As for talking about it: that’s only going to happen if it comes to a full-blown argument. It may not be healthy or right but the only time my family talks about something like this is when passions boil over. It’s just the way we are. I believe the best/correct term is passive-aggressiveness. By that I mean the family may say it’s your choice to your face, but then disagree with you openly behind your back, hoping it doesn’t get back to you.
 
scorpio1990 said:
Also I know you may have missed it but confirmation: it’s a choice somebody raised in the catholic tradition makes once they reach a certain age right?

you.
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Yes, you are correct. A young adult chooses this. (However, it often happens that Confirmation comes as a part of the package. You are baptised as a baby, then first communion, then confirmation. The kids are then ‘done’ with the sacraments of initiation and often don’t step into a church again.)

You are most probably right that your mother is scared of you growing up, leaving the family home. Many mothers struggle when their children leave the nest.

I’m sorry your family is not good at communicating. My family was the same. Nobody said a thing when I announced I was converting, but then all sorts of things were hurled at me when people got upset over something. Perhaps you could find a way to talk about this in a way that is not too obvious or confrontational. For example talking about what happened at an RCIA class, in a chatty way. This change in the way we communicate takes practice.
 
I would try to bring it up but again it’s a family thing: we avoid politics (though if my grandmother is annoying me or I just want to annoy her I will get my grandfather started on the Republican party, she hates hearing his rants :D) and religion. Somebody always get fired up and eventually somebody has to stand up and yell out “SHUT-UP AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. LET IT DIE!”

I’m sorry if it seems like I keep putting up blocks but my family is the way it is. We are a very stubborn and emotional withdrawn group (except when it comes to anger, then all bets are off) and honestly I don’t feel like I can talk to them openly on matters like this. Thus I have turned to the net.
 
scorpio1990 said:
Thus I have turned to the net.
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You are not alone in doing this. I hope you find support here on this spiritual journey you have started, that you find answers to your questions and fellowship. Please don’t hesitate to come and chat, whatever the topic.
 
scorpio1990 said:
I’m the baby of the family and I feel that since my older sister is in another state and that now I could be leaving (in two senses) she’s just scared.
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That’s pretty insightful of you.

Perhaps you have your answer there? A “double-whammy” so-to-speak?

It’s not really my place to suggest this, but for your mother’s sake, you could ask her if she’d like to attend with you just to see what it’s like, so that she can share a little of your exploration in faith? It might be a nice thing to offer her and she might feel better about “her baby” leaving the nest (and you’re always going to be “her baby”) 🙂

Just a thought. You are in a better place to judge.
 
Quite honestly, the religion issue is a symptom.

This is all about control. Some people need to control other people lives because of unfilled needs in their own lives.

You are not responsible for your mother’s psychological needs. You are responsible for honoring and respecting her but…also responsible for leading your own life, especially at 22.
 
coachdennis said:
Quite honestly, the religion issue is a symptom.

This is all about control. Some people need to control other people lives because of unfilled needs in their own lives.

You are not responsible for your mother’s psychological needs. You are responsible for honoring and respecting her but…also responsible for leading your own life, especially at 22.
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This!

It is hard to do something your parents don’t like. I am 30 with three kids and I still struggled telling my devout Evangelical parents I was converting.

There is something hard about doing something our parents disapprove of.

However, they had their chance 😉 you are at a point where you are free to make these decisions and they need to respect that. It is part of becoming a man and standing in your own feet. That doesn’t make it easy or probably help you much, but hopefully it encourages you a bit.
 
scorpio1990 said:
I don’t think that’s the case either. I think part might have to do with me finally leaving. I’m finishing college in a year and due to the job market might stay in state close to family or might have to move all the way to the east coast, wherever I can find work. I’m the baby of the family and I feel that since my older sister is in another state and that now I could be leaving (in two senses) she’s just scared.
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From my point of view as a mom, this could quite possibly be it, along with guilt. I’ve often felt guilt when my older children reach a milestone (going off to college, graduation, getting married, etc.) because it is an ending - and I look back and see what I wish I would have/should have done in raising them to this point, but didn’t do. And (I admit) sometimes that causes me to ‘freak out’ a bit and act strangely because obviously it’s not something I readily talk about, or even admit to myself at the time.

My thought is that perhaps seeing you enter RCIA, it’s making her think of how she should have / could have done more to “raise you properly” as a Lutheran? She obviously doesn’t want to calmly analyze those thoughts/feelings/actions so it’s easier to just try to have you avoid RCIA.

Best wishes to both of you and that God grant you and your family peace.
 
I was raised Lutheran. My mother had me Baptized as a 3 week old baby. Yet I can barely ever remember her going to church. A few times here and there in spurts over the years, to have my younger siblings Baptized together when one was a pre-schooler and the other a toddler, and a few times around Christmas. I knew she had faith, but I wouldn’t have said she was religious if that makes any sense.

Once we had a conversation about Catholicism. My step-father was from a Catholic family even thought they never attended Mass they went to Catholic schools and did the Baptize, First Communion, Confirmation and never step foot in a church again thing. Maybe that’s why the conversation started, I honestly don’t remember. Anywho, my liberal and tolerant not religious but has faith mother got a bit…passionate.

Apparently, as much respect as she had for other religions and for holy people of all faiths, she had serious issues with Confession. According to mom, Confession was baloney because she believed no one needed a priest to talk to God and that sins should be confessed directly to the Lord and forgiveness would be granted by the Lord if one sincerely repented. I got the distinct impression that she distrusted Confession in general and the advice of most priests in particular. For her, what you should believe and do was between you and God and no one else.

As a parent one of the things you learn is that something you have long thought is no big deal becomes a big deal when it comes to your children. Maybe your mom is like my mother was. Maybe she hasn’t been a religious person, but a person of personal faith. Maybe seeing her baby converting to another belief system bothers her because she doesn’t agree with that belief system. And maybe she had no idea it would matter until she heard you say you were going to RCIA and considering converting.

Talk to her casually about it. Tell her stories about RCIA and Mass. Talk about what you learned, what you think, about the people you meet and get to know. Invite her to attend with you whenever she wants as mom-son bonding time so that she can understand and be part of your faith even if it is different from hers. Basically, do everything you can to make her feel included and comfortable.
 
My mom was really weird when I decided to get confirmed in the Church at 20. At times she seemed happy and at other times she seemed against it. She claims that she is “spiritual” but doesn’t follow any religion. She tells people she is Christian but she wants nothing to do with learning about the Scripture or the teachings of Christianity in any denomination. She just takes the “joyful noise” and leaves the rest. She is very manipulative and I honestly think she had mixed emotions because it was a sign that I was choosing my own way and she was losing control over what I thought and did.
 
Well the fact you are converting to catholicism means you were baptised protestant, and the fact it was at age 11, as you said, means something too.

She might very well not be very religious, but she might firmly believe deep down somewhere that the Catholic Church is evil.

I certainly can’t say…
 
I converted when I was 53 and my mother hasn’t entirely come to grips with it. I think it is an issue of control more than not liking the Catholic Church. She mentioned that I was “disobedient” by not staying a Baptist. She said my two sisters were more obedient. They don’t go to any church.

I actually find it helpful not to say as little as possible about my parish and Mass attendance. It just makes her mad if I say how something is going well. Our latest battle is that I won’t attend her Protestant services with her. I offered to drive her there and sit in the car but that wouldn’t do. I think maybe it is a mixture of her pride and not have a good sense of boundaries.
 
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