Why Saving Yourself for Marriage Could Be Costly

[Gamera]

Old line:
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free…”

Or as Al Bundy put it: “Why go out for milk when you’ve got a cow at home?”

 

[Mijoy2]

Kids this generation are constantly getting information about sex which comes from every angle, and some of which contradict itself.

I’m not here to state why I believe pre-marital sex is good & great, but people choosing to “save themselves” could create more harm than good.

My friends dad said it best. “Sex is 50% of a relationship. If you marry someone without ever being intimate with them, you have no idea how they are in bed, or if they even care about a sex life. If they’re bad at sex, you aren’t going to want to stay in it.”

I think this is excellent advice. Especially with divorces higher than they’ve ever been, I think people get the wrong idea of sex before marriage. You can read me all of the lines in the Bible, but the fact is, it’s what you choose. I’m not saying one-night stands, vacation splurges, etc. are fine, but if you’re in a relationship with somebody, and both are ready, it could be the best decision to make.

Yeah I see what you are saying. We should also time them in the 100 yard dash. Who’d want to marry someone who could not do it in less then 12 seconds flat.

 

[exoflare]

Man, oh man… the OP is really showing his true colors more and more with every post…

 

[vera_dicere]

My friends dad said it best. “Sex is 50% of a relationship. If you marry someone without ever being intimate with them, you have no idea how they are in bed, or if they even care about a sex life. If they’re bad at sex, you aren’t going to want to stay in it.”

That kind of advice could lead to someone being a bit of a strumpet. I know of a feminist who thinks that sex should be investigated before marriage to ensure she’s not marrying someone who’s bad in bed…

I shared a student hostel floor with her, she would have a “relationship” with so many guys, then move on because they were rubbish in bed.

Then she wonders why she has herpes amongst other things.

I’m going to be 26 in a few months, and I’ve yet to engage in any pre-marital shenanigans, and I don’t intend to. Sex out of wedlock isnt’ just immoral, its disgusting and dangerous. No relationship should be based on sex, if it is, of course it will fail, because eventually the parts just don’t work like they used to.

 

[Delphinus85]

No! no! this couldn’t be further from the truth!! My fiancee and I have never been sexually intimate, and it’s not affecting things. Why? We have communication. We both agree about sexual expectations in marriage and such!

Besides, how do we KNOW if he/she is good in bed? iamgine it like this, if someone NEVER had chocolate, and their only chocolate was a hershey’s bar instead of godiva gourmet chocolate, will they know the difference? Besides, sex isn’t about how good that person is, it’s about how good you two get together. Saving sex for marriage is saving sex IN your marriage! it keeps is special and meaningful!

 

[Riley259]

No! no! this couldn’t be further from the truth!! My fiancee and I have never been sexually intimate, and it’s not affecting things. Why? We have communication. We both agree about sexual expectations in marriage and such!

Besides, how do we KNOW if he/she is good in bed? iamgine it like this, if someone NEVER had chocolate, and their only chocolate was a hershey’s bar instead of godiva gourmet chocolate, will they know the difference? Besides, sex isn’t about how good that person is, it’s about how good you two get together. Saving sex for marriage is saving sex IN your marriage! it keeps is special and meaningful!

Amen!

 

[Bobby_Jim]

To echo what others have suggested…

I think it’s a really wonderful thing for a husband and wife to learn together how to have “good” sex. If you’re both starting from scratch, neither one has any expectations or preconceived notions about how it’s supposed to be. No baggage. No saying, well my previous so-and-so did this or that which really felt good and I wish you would do that too. Not even a glimmer of a remembrance of having done this with someone else. Sex is awkward at first. But it can really bring a couple together. You stand there, physically, emotionally, spiritually naked before each other, faults and shortcomings and inexperience and all, and you learn together, and know that you are not sharing it with anyone else. And if you’re not “good” at it right away, you have a lifetime together to get better. And it can only get better.

I would go farther too and say people should really ignore all of the “Cosmo” and “Glamour” and “Playboy” and what not advice columns on “66 sex tips to try out tonight” and “12 mind-blowing sex tricks guaranteed to…” and all of the pornography that’s out there, and such. It may be helpful to get some basic tips or instruction. But this perception that’s out there that other people are having “better” sex than you, or that there’s some objective standard by which to judge your sexual satisfaction, is really stupid.

 

[Hippie4Peace]

Kids this generation are constantly getting information about sex which comes from every angle, and some of which contradict itself.

I’m not here to state why I believe pre-marital sex is good & great, but people choosing to “save themselves” could create more harm than good.

My friends dad said it best. “Sex is 50% of a relationship. If you marry someone without ever being intimate with them, you have no idea how they are in bed, or if they even care about a sex life. If they’re bad at sex, you aren’t going to want to stay in it.”

I think this is excellent advice. Especially with divorces higher than they’ve ever been, I think people get the wrong idea of sex before marriage. You can read me all of the lines in the Bible, but the fact is, it’s what you choose. I’m not saying one-night stands, vacation splurges, etc. are fine, but if you’re in a relationship with somebody, and both are ready, it could be the best decision to make.

“Being good at sex” has nothing to do with it…its finding a woman who will put up with you for not giving into fornication which is the hard part :crying:

 

[Neithan]

Sexuality should be a secret between spouses.

For some people, secrecy is a dirty word, but I think that’s only because many sinful things are kept secret–secrecy itself is not sinful.

There is a very great power in secrecy between people, a very potent glue that bonds people together. This is why many organisations which stress familial ties with otherwise strangers–brotherhoods, sisterhoods etc.–emphasise secrecy as the most fundamental factor. Breaking secrecy is a heinous misdeed and a betrayal of everyone else in ‘the group.’

Think about what a powerful bond it is between spouses when sex is kept as an intimate secret only for each other (and God!])–if you’ve never been sexual with anyone but this one person for your entire life, and vow to never be sexual with anyone else until death. If the entire force of your libido is directed and contained within a single personal relationship, set apart from everyone else (including yourself!]). I mean–that is a formula for loyalty if I ever heard of one. I think this is the only way that the sacred secret of sex–that mystical ecstasy that everyone is searching for–can be found. Secrecy must be the only way for sex to be sacred, sacramental and ultimately satisfying.

Fornication, pornography, adultery… all directly attack this sacred spousal secrecy, and empty sex of its potential power. It becomes a mere shadow of what it should be–what God intended it to reveal.

It is ironic that society nowadays seeks the unitive aspect of sex without the procreative, but whereas they can only arrest the latter, they really lose the former in the process.

 

[sanctamaria17]

There is no sex in my relationship with my boyfriend and it has done nothing but good for us. Why?

1. We both share values and we care about each other enough to encourage those values.
2. Relationships are complicated enough without the emotional clouding that sex can bring.
3. We have enough stress in our lives (upcoming graduation, college this fall, long distance relationship, etc.) and we don’t need to worry about if a method of birth control works, has dangerous side effects, if we found ourselves expecting a child, etc.
4. We want to get to know each other’s personality better, to determine if we are right for each other.
5. We want our parents to trust us. Lol, my father would kill him if we had sex and his mom would not be too thrilled with me if we did
6. I don’t need to increase my risk for cervical cancer (if a woman has 3 or more partners, her risk increases)
7. I don’t need more reasons to go to Confession (or any reason to abstain from Holy Communion)
8. I know he likes me for the girl I am, not for what pleasure I can give him.

 

[Lexee15]

I think statistics de-bunk your argument. Couples who try before they buy have a higher divorce rate. Couples who took the time to get to know each other on many different levels will have the compatibility to not just make it in the long run, but also getting to know each other that way creates more true intimacy, better communication, and more satisfying sex.

EXACTLY!!!

 

[Marcsman99]

Welll as logical as it sounds on first blush there are good studies showing that cohabiting is a good indication of divorce later. In any case as St.Thomas Aquinas pointed out fornication is a moratal sin since is is opposed to the good of the child to such a grave degree.

Where did you get the idea that half of a relationship is based upon sex many married people are separated for long periods of time half a year or more (military) ans they mannage to pull through.

 

[rayne100]

Yeah, I have never heard of a couple who waited for marriage discovering on their wedding night that they weren’t the right size for eachother or didn’t fit, LOL!

Actually, I have, believe it or not…
It was quite an interesting conversation…

 

[Sandi]

“If he/she is bad in bed, it doesn’t matter”

Oh it most certainly DOES.

 

[Jay2]

“If he/she is bad in bed, it doesn’t matter”

I’ll 2nd “It most certainly does”!

We waited - and our wedding night was a comedic disaster…two exhausted and emotionally wiped-out people…
BUT

We didn’t let it get us down and committed ourselves to practice, practice, practice … 20 years & a couple of kids later we’re still practicing…under a license, just like a Doctor.

 

[MHalsey]

I’ll 2nd “It most certainly does”!

We waited - and our wedding night was a comedic disaster…two exhausted and emotionally wiped-out people…
BUT

We didn’t let it get us down and committed ourselves to practice, practice, practice … 20 years & a couple of kids later we’re still practicing…under a license, just like a Doctor.

Thanks Jay, this gave me a great laugh. It reminded me of our wedding night. Late night, tired, phase 1 (NFP folk will know what this means). Of course we’ve only been *practicing *for about 13 years.

MH

BTB - how do you know when you’ve practiced enough?

 

[CuriousInIL]

I post, not to reiterate all of the fine reasons stated again and again as to why the OP was wrong.

I do think, however, that it is very important for an engaged couple, at a time relatively close to the wedding, preferably as part of formal pre-marriage instruction, to have discussions about sex and sexuality to determine if there is some true incompatibility in the thinking on this issue.

And, I would go further to say that in this sense, sexuality is not unique (although for reasons of helping with chastity before marriage it should be among the later discussions), and the engaged couple should also talk about life goals, finances, who gets the remotes, etc. etc., etc.

But remember, these are discussions, not actions.

 

[SoonerServant]

First off, to Curious George(shepherdreefer) Divorce rates have been climbing, but not until ppl started living more sexually liberal lives. It has gotten worse, but that’s societies fault. And to all the ppl who believe sex is not for pleasure, you’re mistaken. Lust is the sin in having sex outside of marriage, not the plaeasure. If two ppl are married, they are not their own, but belong to each other. You can’t covet something that belongs to you. It is better for a man to marry than to burn with passion. In the world we live, the temptation to sin sexaully is at an all time high. It’s a huge burden to bear. So God gave us the gift of marriage so that we could share this burden with another and help each other.

 

[chevalier]

Relationships are not about sex. Marriage is not about sex life. Catholics have no sex lives. Catholics have marriage in which there are marital acts. While denying intimacy or not caring about the spouse’s needs is both unjust and uncharitable, we’re not there to be sources of pleasure because we are not objects, not even objects for each other by mutual consent, but we are always and must always remain human persons.

Therefore, the pleasure-based view of sex and sexual-life-based view of marriage are alien to Catholicism.

This said, saving oneself for marriage may well be costly. Some people may be prevented from finding a partner if they won’t sleep with anybody before marriage. Some people may be abandoned by spouses for not being good enough in bed. But between two Catholics with the right understanding of the faith, staying chaste can do no harm.

And there is always praying, praying, praying. And trusting God. Marriage is something to be prayed for and the spouse is someone to be prayed for. Similarly, the previous discernment and prospective spouses are to be prayed for as well.

 

[st_ignatius110]

Kids this generation are constantly getting information about sex which comes from every angle, and some of which contradict itself.

I’m not here to state why I believe pre-marital sex is good & great, but people choosing to “save themselves” could create more harm than good.

My friends dad said it best. “Sex is 50% of a relationship. If you marry someone without ever being intimate with them, you have no idea how they are in bed, or if they even care about a sex life. If they’re bad at sex, you aren’t going to want to stay in it.”

I think this is excellent advice. Especially with divorces higher than they’ve ever been, I think people get the wrong idea of sex before marriage. You can read me all of the lines in the Bible, but the fact is, it’s what you choose. I’m not saying one-night stands, vacation splurges, etc. are fine, but if you’re in a relationship with somebody, and both are ready, it could be the best decision to make.

50% of the relationship? What about when your wife is 8-9 months pregnant and the last thing she feels like doing is having sex? How would you then cope? What if a spouse is ill and cannot have sex? What then? The list could go on and on.