Why should I find a girlfriend or get married?

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gao280

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Hi everyone,
I am a 19 yo Catholic college student, and I am single. I am serious about my faith (or at least I think I am), I enjoy going to daily Mass, and I’ve surrounded myself by friends who are either Catholic/Christian or they respect the Church even if they aren’t.

I have noticed that very few of the people that are in a relationship (or that are considering entering one) are able to seriously explain the reasons (except maybe saying that “it’s nice!” or that they “don’t want to be lonely”) that they want to find a partner and/or get married, as opposed to just living on their own and dedicating their time to friends, religion, work, social causes, etc…

In fact, most of my peers (especially my non-religious friends), feel like they NEED a girlfriend/boyfriend, but they have never thought about why.
IMHO, being in a relationship can be a really wonderful experience, but I’ve also seen how awful and painful it can become if it doesn’t end up well. So for me entering a relationship would be more of a conscious, rational decision rather than the fulfillment of an intrinsic, irresistible need. In fact, as we said, being in a relationship has pros and cons, and I believe that you have to be really careful to make it work.

tl;dr here’s my question: what are the reasons, pros, advantages (call them what you want) for entering a relationship? And do I have a sort of moral obligation to either have a family or join religious life, in case I have the opportunity to do so? Talking with some friends, some have raised the concern that choosing to live on my own might be due to some sort of selfishness, but if I end up doing it, it’ll not be to avoid obligations and responsibilities, but just because I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, and there would be no reason for me to take such a risk without knowing why I am doing it.

Thanks so much for your comments!
 
There are no pro’s if you don’t desire it yourself.
Know yourself. Things happened organically, and according to the will fo GOd, hopefully.
Be a good person,
Be a good friend,
Be available to people in times of trial.
See if things don’t work out just beautifully, Peace.
 
I know some theology nerds (no offense to them…I’m a theology nerd myself) get into heated debates over whether or not a person can actually be called to single life (rather than married life or religious life). I tend not to delve into those debates because I can really only competently comment on my own vocation, which was to married life. I certainly would never be the one to tell a person that they must absolutely choose between either being married or being a religious. This is in no small part because neither of those vocations are completely under our own control. I cannot force a woman to marry me any more than I can force a religious community to accept me.

It’s all about prayerful discernment. If you’re entering a relationship just because you think it’s obligatory or because you have nothing else to do, you are doing it for the wrong reasons. The same applies for a religious vocation.

Certainly, if our reasons for remaining single were something such as I don’t want to have to answer to anyone else; I want to be able to spend money on whatever I please; I want to be able to eat pizza and ice cream at every meal; etc.—that would indicate a self-centeredness that a person would do well to work on. But just because their reasons are selfish doesn’t necessarily mean they are called to married life or religious life. Indeed, extreme selfishness is something they should be actively seeking to rectify before entering a relationship or pursuing religious life. But we’re all on various points of our spiritual journey.

But just because someone (especially someone at your young age) doesn’t yet feel the pull either to married life or religious life isn’t necessarily a sign of selfishness. Certainly, you can bring that to prayer and see if that is at work. But it’s not necessarily so.

I will say that I have seen some young people paralyzed with an over devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Discernment. That is something to be aware of and watch out for. We don’t want to always be discerning while never deciding. But it’s okay to not yet have decided at your age.
 
gao280 said:
So for me entering a relationship would be more of a conscious, rational decision rather than the fulfillment of an intrinsic, irresistible need.
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🤣

Oh, sweet summer child - you just keep on thinking that…one day you’ll look back and laugh…

But as for your main question…you’re nineteen years old - don’t worry about it…
 
Not all agree that single life is in and of itself a vocation… but regardless there is certainly no sin in not marrying nor entering religious life.
Your count of three also doesn’t really work because one can have a vocation to the priesthood but not to religious life… or a man may have two vocations: religious life and priesthood… the permanent diaconate would be another vocation that is distinct from those you list.
 
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nothing wrong with living a single life as stated before its a vocation as well. If you are torn between marriage and religious life may I suggest being a deacon? You can still get married and work closely with the church.
 
In the western rites deacons are allowed to be married, but they are not allowed to marry.
 
Well my reasons for getting married were that I met someone I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life and have a family with. You’re under no obligation to be married or be a priest/religious. Most people are attacted to one over another. I tried out religious life but I discerned that I’d prefer the married life, and I do.

The consecrated single life is another vocation option. I think it’s important to note that when people say they single life is not a vocation it doesn’t invalidate the lives of people who decided to remain single. It’s merely a reflection that in vocation, in the traditional sense, requires public commitment and Church approval. It also normally consists of undertaking to live a certain lifestyle of service, whether that is in marriage, priesthood, religious life, or consecrated life.

Strictly speaking, you can’t be “called” to enter into a lifestyle that everyone is by default.

In any case, it probably is the case that many people don’t think too much about why they’d like to be in a relationship. The most common reasons are probably that they don’t want to be alone. But if you feel you’re called to marriage then the desire will be to reach heaven with your spouse and equip your children to reach heaven too.
 
Ok. Secular priests and deacons, however, are not called to religious life. They don’t take vows. So that really is a distinct vocation- I don’t think that’s a nitpick. Additionally, some men are called to both married life and the diaconate or priesthood. (For the latter think the Ordinariates or Eastern Catholic Churches).
 
gao280 said:
I am a 19 yo Catholic college student, and I am single. I am serious about my faith (or at least I think I am), I enjoy going to daily Mass, and I’ve surrounded myself by friends who are either Catholic/Christian or they respect the Church even if they aren’t.

I have noticed that very few of the people that are in a relationship (or that are considering entering one) are able to seriously explain the reasons (except maybe saying that “it’s nice!” or that they “don’t want to be lonely”) that they want to find a partner and/or get married, as opposed to just living on their own and dedicating their time to friends, religion, work, social causes, etc…

In fact, most of my peers (especially my non-religious friends), feel like they NEED a girlfriend/boyfriend, but they have never thought about why.

IMHO, being in a relationship can be a really wonderful experience, but I’ve also seen how awful and painful it can become if it doesn’t end up well. So for me entering a relationship would be more of a conscious, rational decision rather than the fulfillment of an intrinsic, irresistible need. In fact, as we said, being in a relationship has pros and cons, and I believe that you have to be really careful to make it work.

tl;dr here’s my question: what are the reasons, pros, advantages (call them what you want) for entering a relationship? And do I have a sort of moral obligation to either have a family or join religious life, in case I have the opportunity to do so? Talking with some friends, some have raised the concern that choosing to live on my own might be due to some sort of selfishness, but if I end up doing it, it’ll not be to avoid obligations and responsibilities, but just because I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, and there would be no reason for me to take such a risk without knowing why I am doing it.
Click to expand...
Firstly, not to belittle it, but imo we Catholics get all weird about “discerning” and “vocations” and end up spinning our tires for years waiting to get struck by God’s handy lightening-bolt-of-truth like Noah before the flood. Just go on some dates man, see where it goes. If you are really interested in theology and service stuff, go hang out at a monastery or seminary on the weekend. Don’t just sit there and stew about it for years.

To more directly address your question:

No, you don’t “need” a girlfriend or “need” to get married. Just as you don’t “need” friends or “need” siblings. But they sure as heck make life a whole lot more fun. It is fun and healthy to share your life with someone, romantically. Its not some great analytical puzzle. And trust me, if you meet some girl that you really hit it off with, you aren’t going to sit down and make a “pros” and “cons” checklist of whether you should date or not. “She eats her peas one at a time! Not girlfriend material”. You will just want to spend time together.

And don’t worry about it “not ending well”. For one, if you broke up and neither of you cared, it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. For two, don’t let a worst case scenario stop you from doing something.
 
Gotta say, I agree with all that FirstFiveEighth says about this, especially about the wheel spinning.
 
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FirstFiveEighth said:
imo we Catholics get all weird about “discerning” and “vocations” and end up spinning our tires for years waiting to get struck by God’s handy lightening-bolt-of-truth
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This is very true. There does seem to be a trend among some young Catholics today to be almost afraid to commit or make a definite decision about vocation. If you think something is for you it shouldn’t take that long to make a decision. Whether that is in religious life, or in dating a woman you like.
 
FirstFiveEighth said:
Firstly, not to belittle it, but imo we Catholics get all weird about “discerning” and “vocations” and end up spinning our tires for years waiting to get struck by God’s handy lightening-bolt-of-truth like Noah before the flood.
Click to expand...
I’ve heard it described as an over-devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Discernment. 😉 I knew plenty of kids like this in college. I can’t say I didn’t fall victim to that myself at times.
 
Honestly, at 19 I wouldn’t worry too much either way. Things like that tend to seem a lot more urgent than they are.
 
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