Why should I want to be associated with the Catholic Church?

[rzeziegirl]

I have been reading this web site for many months now because I am struggling to decide whether or not I really want to be married in the Catholic Church. I was raised Catholic but have many doubts about what the Church teaches. The man I wish to marry would need an annulment first, which I know is a painstaking process, and we are trying to decide whether or not we really want to go through with it.

There are several things I have read on this site that has not sat well with me. One of them was this post about the marriage of two people that do not love each other, which you stated is perfectly fine as long as they are willing to have children and stay faithful to each other. The other one was the post about a parapelegic not being able to marry because of not being able to consummate the marriage. You stated that if a couple cannot consummate their marriage or are physically unable to have children, there is no point in marrying even if the couple wish to commit their lives to one another in the institute of marriage.

Both of these answers you provided has made me question whether or not I really wish to get married in a Church that views marriage in such a selfish way. I mean no disrespect towards you, but I think that you are saying that the Catholic Church does not care at all about whether a marriage has love or not. It seems to me the only thing the Catholic Church is concerned about is whether or not couples reproduce more members for their institution. All this emphasis on procreating and the lack of emphasis on love has really made me feel that I do not wish to get married in an institution that views marriage in this way.

Before I finalize my decision, could you please try and explain and/or justify this attitude that love is not a criteria for marriage? This thought makes absolutely no sense to me or my understanding of why you marry someone. Yes, of course, you marry to have children but that should not be the only reason. And I have a hard time believing that God sees that as the only reason. In fact, shouldn’t it be that love should be the first #1 factor and then after that would be the children? Because the absence of love, in a marriage with children, I see nothing but pain and trauma for the little ones. And I cant see that God wants us to bring children into this world only to hurt them by raising them in a unloving atmosphere.

Please help me try to understand this better because at this point right now, I feel that these views you express are something I do not want to be associated with.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

First, let’s clear away the confusions you have over what I said, and then we’ll proceed to the question of whether or not you should want to be associated with the Catholic Church.

rzeziegirl:

The other [post I had a problem with] was the post about a parapelegic not being able to marry because of not being able to consummate the marriage. You stated that if a couple cannot consummate their marriage or are physically unable to have children, there is no point in marrying even if the couple wish to commit their lives to one another in the institute of marriage.

I said no such thing. I said that there is a difference between impotence and infertility. Impotence (i.e., the inability to engage in sexual relations) is an impediment to marriage if the condition is permanent and irreversible. If doubt exists as to whether the condition can be cured, then the marriage can proceed. Infertility (i.e., the inability to procreate children), whether on the part of a man or a woman, is not an impediment. The couple must leave their marital relations open to the possibility of new life, but they can still marry even if one or the other of them is sterile.

Permanent and irreversible impotence is an impediment because sexual relations is among the duties of marriage. Married people have sex. Unmarried people do not. Simple as that. I thought one of CAF’s members put it especially well when he said:

JimG:

Back before sex outside of marriage became so common, it was just understood that one of the main purposes of marriage was to have sex. I thought it was still understood.

First, we wanted to have sex outside of marriage. Now, we want to have marriage outside of sex? (source, scroll to post 54)

Recommended reading:

Impotence As Impediment by Jimmy Akin

rzeziegirl:

I think that you are saying that the Catholic Church does not care at all about whether a marriage has love or not. It seems to me the only thing the Catholic Church is concerned about is whether or not couples reproduce more members for their institution. All this emphasis on procreating and the lack of emphasis on love has really made me feel that I do not wish to get married in an institution that views marriage in this way.

My guess is either that I did not make careful enough distinctions or that you did not read my answers carefully enough. Either way it appears that you are confused over what constitutes love.

One of my purposes in the answer to the person concerned about a sister marrying for what was perceived to be reasons other than love was to distinguish between love and affection. Love is an action of the will that desires and seeks for the beloved that person’s ultimate good, which is God. Every Christian is called to love and married people are particularly called to love each other. So, no, I wasn’t saying that love is unimportant to marriage. Affection is an emotional attachment to another person.

In the relationship between a married couple, the words love and affection are often used as synonyms for the romantic feelings a couple has toward each other. It causes confusion because people then assume that a couple that does not have such romantic feelings toward each other do not love each other. That is a false assumption and too often leads to divorce when a couple assumes that a lack of romantic feelings means that the marriage is “loveless” and therefore should be ended.

Romantic feelings are important because they draw a couple together and can help to sustain a couple during difficult times, but, although they can assist the purpose of marriage, they are not a purpose of marriage and are not synonymous with the love to which a couple is called. The love to which a couple is called is to help each other reach heaven. In other words, they are called to assist each other in becoming saints. If the couple is blessed with children, they are also called to raise their children to be saints.

(Continued below.)

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

(Continued from above.)

rzeziegirl:

Please help me try to understand this better because at this point right now, I feel that these views you express are something I do not want to be associated with.

Hopefully the previous explanation will help to clear up the confusion. But now let’s discuss your most important quesion: “Why should I want to be associated with the Catholic Church?”

The only sufficient reason for you to want to be a Catholic is because you believe that Jesus Christ is God, that you recognize his authority over your life, that you know that he founded the Catholic Church to teach in his name, and that you therefore wish to obey the Catholic Church as you wish to obey Christ, who should be the First Love of your life. All other loves that you have in your life – for a husband, for children, for the wider world – conform to that First Love and are ordered around what your First Love expects of you through his Church. Any other reason for being Catholic – cultural or familial identity, attachment to Catholic customs, etc. – may support the primary reason (love of Christ and his Church) but cannot replace it. In themselves, such reasons are insufficient.

It appears to me from this question and from a previous question that you submitted that you are currently an uncommitted Catholic. I hazard this guess because in both questions you make clear that you are involved in a relationship with someone who does not have an annulment for his previous marriage. Although I previously mentioned to you that a Catholic cannot date a married man (which the Church presumes him to be unless and until an annulment is granted), you stated in this question that you and your friend “are trying to decide whether or not we really want to go through with [the annulment].”

You have a hard decision in front of you, but I would phrase it somewhat differently than you have. What you will have to decide is whether this relationship with your friend is more important to you than your relationship to Jesus Christ through the Church that he founded for you by his blood shed on Calvary for the world’s sins. I’m not saying that you cannot eventually have both. That may be possible if your friend receives an annulment and becomes free to marry. But you cannot have both right now. Right now, to be a committed Catholic, it is necessary to order your relationships according to true love for Christ, for your friend, and for yourself. Remember what I said about true love: It wills for the beloved that person’s ultimate good, which is God. If you truly love God and your friend, you will not pursue a romantic relationship with someone you must presume to be married unless and until an annulment is granted.

I realize that this is easy for me to say because I am not faced by the dilemma facing you. But I will pray for you and ask CAF’s readers to pray for you that you will be given the grace you need to make your decision. God bless.