"Why Should People Get married?"

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Eliza10

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My son, age 20, actually asked me this. More than once. Including just yesterday, as he is here on a Christmas visit.

I raised him Catholic as I could, no help from my liberal, progressive diocese, with the handicap of a surprise divorce when he was in second grade. Being a single mom was never in my plans and was not easy but I did the best I could under all the circumstances.* I hate divorce,* and I am glad I am in good company there (with God) on that subject. 😦 By the grace of God I am happily married now, but still divorce is not something you want for your kids. 😦

So, besides my efforts at direction, he is a product also of our culture. Now, for college, he lives with his dad, and his dad’s live-in girlfriend in the home established in her first marriage, and like many I have seen of my generation, they won’t marry second-time-around because inmany cases - most perhaps? - its a tax and retirement benefit to live together. This woman has two children a few years older than my son, and one, a nice working college grad with a nice longtime boyfriend, also has said, 'Why marry?" to my son. So, this is what he hears in his current home, and also in the culture, in media, everywhere of course.

What can I say?? I don’t know what is best to say. My communication of important things is difficult! We are different in personality and my style of explaining things often does not click with him. I need a good answer, other than my brief, shocked reply: “It IS important.” and “Marriage is a Sacrament from God.” Which does not lead to a look of agreement or any conversation. So I am failing in answering this, and I can’t get into a long conversation about it, and I can’t offer him any books. Maybe a video or recording he could get on his iPhone and listen to on the car ride home on his own. Not too long, and it would have to be a real, real good one.

After stressing about this, and about my poor answer, and my inability to think of a better answer, for a couple days now, I did come up with one thing. I can agree with him that that is a reasonable and understandable thing to wonder, in our day and age, with the example of popular public figures and celebrities and media whose favor labeling marriage as an unimportant “piece of paper”, but then I can quote Proverbs 14:12 - “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.” and also Isiaiah 55:8 - “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.” I think I will just express that thought tomorrow, and let that sink in. Then follow it up with any good suggestions I get here. I expect to get some, from some of you who are not stuck and frozen with fear of saying the wrong thing like I am right now…:o
 
I have subscribed to this thread because I have a college aged daughter that expresses the same sentiment. I too was divorced but when she was 4.

I look forward to answers as well.

Mary.
 
Putting aside all considerations for the peculiarities of one’s personal situation or “the times we live in,” one should only marry if they have truly discerned that it their vocation. Then comes the next hardest part: Finding the right partner in a mob full of wrong ones.
 
saellis said:
Putting aside all considerations for the peculiarities of one’s personal situation or “the times we live in,” one should only marry if they have truly discerned that it their vocation. Then comes the next hardest part: Finding the right partner in a mob full of wrong ones.
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I think you missed the point of her question. Her son’s appears to want to live with someone and he is asking why that is wrong
 
To the OP, I am assuming your first marriage was annulled and your second marriage was in the church. Not to be judgemental, but unless that is the case, you don’t have a leg to stand on to convince your son marriage is important.

Also, it seems to me, your son is not a practicing Catholic so biblical arguments are going to go in one ear and out the other.

I would try and find more convincing secular arguments. Such as, a woman’s refusal to marry is probably a lack of trust of her partner and why would he want that. And a man’s refusal to marry is using a woman and he shouldn’t do that.

But at the end of the day, all you can do is pray for him. As well, sadly, I think this is just another cross parents need to face and ask God for the grace to live through it
 
Hi. Unfortunately there is no single answer to this question. It depends, really, on the individual own history and state of life.

I would say marriage is for a person if he/she called to. Not all will get married especially in Catholicism. There are priests, religious and singles for the Lord who do not marry.

As Christians, there is no choice but to look at marriage from the Christian prospect.

Marriage is a covenant - a life long commitment. Covenant is an agreement/contract/bond that cannot be broken, to put it simply. That was why when God made a covenant with His people, He would be faithful to it regardless of whether His people were faithful or not.

Marriage is like that. Actually there is no reason for marriage if one is not prepared to make a life long commitment, a very rare thing nowadays.

I would stop here. There is much more but more importantly is to recognize what marriage is. Of course we are talking about Christian marriage, Matrimony, a Sacrament, a gift from God. Would we not treasure God’s gift?

Sometimes we see marriages among married couples are just a sham. They hear those Biblical readings in the matrimonial mass about the two shall become one; they made marriage vows about until death do they part, and so on, but later in actual marriage life, all of those were completely forgotten.

A person who is potentially to get married has to understand what Christian love is, which is not romantic love but self-giving for the good of the other (spouse). Is he/she ready to love that way? In marriage no less is expected.

God bless.

Reuben
 
Anglewannabe said:
I think you missed the point of her question. Her son’s appears to want to live with someone and he is asking why that is wrong
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If the young fellow is really not practicing the faith, then arguments from morality will probably not register.

However, the purpose of sexuality, on a strictly human-body level, is the procreation of children. And children deserve the stability of married parents.

A relationship that isn’t stable enough for marriage is no place for behavior that, in the course of nature, would lead to children.

ICXC NIKA
 
Explain that marriage is supposed to consist of two partners that agree to commit to each other FOR LIFE, for the purpose of raising children in a secure environment and, most importantly, if it is your vocation, it provides the means by which you will reach heaven.
 
Eliza10 said:
What can I say?? I don’t know what is best to say. My communication of important things is difficult! We are different in personality and my style of explaining things often does not click with him. I need a good answer, other than my brief, shocked reply: “It IS important.” and “Marriage is a Sacrament from God.” Which does not lead to a look of agreement or any conversation. So I am failing in answering this, and I can’t get into a long conversation about it, and I can’t offer him any books. Maybe a video or recording he could get on his iPhone and listen to on the car ride home on his own. Not too long, and it would have to be a real, real good one.
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Truth is still truth even without an acknowledgment of God. Your going to have to take that route in order to reach someone who does’t care ‘what you and your religion say’.

The truth is that “marriage”, in one form or another, has been around for thousands of years maybe even tens of thousands of years. There is a reason for that, and the reason is not antiquated by modern technology such as birth control or autonomous lifestyles for any and every person such as single parents who work.

When people turn their back on thousands of years of wisdom concerning relationships in favor of a life that is sustained by modern amenities, they are making an incredibly foolish decision. The proof of this is in the pudding; When people are not committed to a family life they will ultimately cause damage to the family they have created. The commitment is shown through “marriage”.

What father, in his right mind, would give his daughter over to a man who won’t commit to a lifelong relationship, when the father knows darn well that the relationship must be stable, for life, in order to properly carry on the human race through procreation and teaching.

This is just basic anthropology that is now ignored in colleges throughout the county.
 
Anglewannabe said:
To the OP, I am assuming your first marriage was annulled and your second marriage was in the church. Not to be judgemental, but unless that is the case, you don’t have a leg to stand on to convince your son marriage is important.

Also, it seems to me, your son is not a practicing Catholic so biblical arguments are going to go in one ear and out the other.

I would try and find more convincing secular arguments. Such as, a woman’s refusal to marry is probably a lack of trust of her partner and why would he want that. And a man’s refusal to marry is using a woman and he shouldn’t do that.

But at the end of the day, all you can do is pray for him. As well, sadly, I think this is just another cross parents need to face and ask God for the grace to live through it
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Wow, that’s completely uncalled for.
 
I have a useless argument but it did work on one of my friends who wants to live with her boyfriend and not get married in the future…

“If marriage is just a piece of paper, then why can’t you just get the paper and be done with it? Clearly there’s something more meaningful and you don’t want to admit it.”

And then my friend mentioned something about how divorce is troublesome.

“So are you even in a strong and committed relationship if both of you are not married because you don’t want to go through a divorce?”

And then we were talking about how she doesn’t think it’s wrong for unmarried couples to plan a family

“If a couple can’t even commit for something that is supposedly a piece of paper, are they committed enough to have a child?”

And she kind of changed her mind. A little bit. Planting seeds, you know? However we were around 16 when we had this conversation so it’s not like we were both smart enough to actually give valid reasons.
 
Lea101 said:
I have a useless argument but it did work on one of my friends who wants to live with her boyfriend and not get married in the future…

“If marriage is just a piece of paper, then why can’t you just get the paper and be done with it? Clearly there’s something more meaningful and you don’t want to admit it.”

And then my friend mentioned something about how divorce is troublesome.

“So are you even in a strong and committed relationship if both of you are not married because you don’t want to go through a divorce?”

And then we were talking about how she doesn’t think it’s wrong for unmarried couples to plan a family

"If a couple can’t even commit for something that is supposedly a piece of paper, are they committed enough to have a child?"

And she kind of changed her mind. A little bit. Planting seeds, you know? However we were around 16 when we had this conversation so it’s not like we were both smart enough to actually give valid reasons.
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That’s a good angle. Personally, I think most women in a relationship where the couple are cohabiting probably want to get married. I tend to think it’s the men who don’t. Why commit to marriage when you already have a relationship just like that, except you can leave whenever you want with much less consequences?
 
Mary welcome to the thread and feel free to ask any of your own Q’s or make your own replies, or anyone else, too.

saellis - yes, finding the right partner in a mob of wrong ones - very important!

Anglewannabe - actually he is not looking for a live-in relationship, but seem to be thinking of his own future, that, someday when he likes a girl: why marry? Just live together! Its cheaper, and the “piece of paper” that is grilled into us in our culture is the other thing, probably. Also see below as to your other question.

Reuben, good thoughts, I will contemplate, and Geddie, and Adam Peter, also. I actually did say a couple of times that when you have sex babies are the natural results, and the best thing for every child is two parents together forever.
[As to my own marriage: At the time of the surprising divorce, and the custody battle full of lies I had to answer to, I decided that my previous conviction that God had picked that husband for me had truly been my own invented idea, and that not only did I *not know how to pick a husband, having picked so wrong - but I clearly did not know how to listen to God’s voice and direction. Between that and the fact his father was already deep in an illicit relationship, I decided to be the stable parent who did not date, and also that I should get used to the idea that God may well want me to be single; perhaps join an order late in life. Unless He made it PERFECTLY clear in a miraculous way that I was to marry – and that would not be til after my son graduated college and started a family himself! - I would assume God wanted me to be single and work on liking that. And so that’s how it went, until late in my son’s high school and I unexpectedly fell for my husband and then God made it very clear to me that this was not against His will (as I assumed it was). At that time we sought annulments, knowing on good Catholic council that they would be granted since we had real basis for asking, and did the right thing of course with waiting for that long process and then marrying… My marriage is currently my first and only marriage - because the church has said that that other one, that looked to the whole world exactly like a real marriage never existed, and the Church in her wisdom has spoken, and by decree of the Lord Jesus, what the church has agreed upon on earth is also agreed upon in Heaven. Yes, the old one was a marriage in the eyes of the law - the same law that also marries two folks of the same sex (and I expect will soon say parents can marry their pets or kids). It may work for society but not for us Catholics who marry in the eyes of God…]
 
Boys, young men tend to internalize their feelings.

Maybe he’s afraid of divorce? So not getting married would protect him from divorce.
 
I hope the ethical answer to this question is obvious to a Catholic. It is a mortal sin to commit fornication or adultery. That doesn’t go away when you start keeping your pots and pans in the same cupboards, nor even when you become parents. Let’s assume, then, that the questioner wants “rational” or secular reasons for marrying. What is the reason for a natural marriage between unbelievers, as opposed to a sacramental marriage?

When my secular friend asked me what to tell her secular boyfriend on this question, this is what I told her: Yes, people can make a commitment between just themselves, and never make it “official.” In California (where she lived at the time), that eventually becomes a common law marriage.

What these couples find, however, is that society does not give the unmarried the status or advantages of the married. You do not accrue Social Security benefits for each other. You cannot leave an unlimited amount of retirement savings that aren’t subject to estate tax. You cannot “benefit shop” from the insurance and other financial plans you each have from your employer. There are hundreds of advantages like this. It is the reason, other than social status, that homosexual couples have worked so hard to gain access to civil marriage.

Here is a list that Turbo Tax posted:
turbotax.intuit.com/tax-tools/tax-tips/Family/7-Tax-Advantages-of-Getting-Married-/INF17870.html

There are disadvantages, too, but those mostly have to do with marrying someone who betrays your trust. One has to wonder why you’d have children, buy real estate, and share a life with someone you don’t trust enough to marry.

Civil marriage laws are intended to encourage couples to commit to each other by giving them certain advantages as an incentive. Those advantages are many and they are very valuable. Marriage laws also guarantee legal arbitration of the terms of a break-up. Those should not be considered to be automatically a bad thing. Yes, your spouse can divorce you unilaterally, but consider that your boyfriend can also leave and take more than his half of everything. The job of getting a just division of assets is much more difficult without a marriage contract. Don’t think that marriage laws aren’t there to protect you from a faithless and vindictive partner. They are, and they can do their job very powerfully.
 
If a poor sinner is not called to a religious vocation, then marriage is the best opportunity to support one anothers Faith and bring souls to Christ.
If they avoid the pursuit of a lifelong marriage partner, then the world, the flesh, and the devil will successfully discourage this sacrament throughout an adults life depriving them of an essential grace. And it is much more difficult to seek this grace at middle age and beyond.
If they love and serve God above all things, they have the hope of salvation. Truly they will brings souls to Him along the way to further His glory.
 
The most important thing to point out to the secular-minded, of course, is that break-ups of common law marriages aren’t painless. If they think they can live together as if they were married and just break-up with no consequences or hard feelings when one or both of them get tired of the arrangement, they are very much mistaken. There are actually worse things than going through a divorce, which is the legal mess of splitting up when you never got around to marrying in the first place.

Civil marriage is intended to both support committed couples in their commitment to each other and to protect the legal interests of each in the event of a break-up. Those are very important protections and advantages to give to each other, and those who neglect to take advantage of them often live to regret it.

Yes, women tend to live to regret their failure to marry before entering into a domestic partnership more than men do, and the less-affluent member of a domestic partnership usually suffers the inequalities that come out of a breakup of a commitment that wasn’t all that committed, after all, more than the rich one does. The wariness of the rich marrying a poor partner who could strip them of property and leave is why pre-nuptial agreements were invented. (By that time, dowries and the agreements that went with them had gone out of style.)
 
By the way, the one that really scares the single is reminding them that unless they get all the reams of paperwork done to ensure the single person got to choose who gets all the rights that are set up automatically by marriage, spousal rights essentially belong to their parents. If they die without a will, their parents will inherit everything. If one of them is put into the hospital in a coma before they marry, all their medical decisions will belong to their parents.

(I do mean reams of paperwork, and not cheap paperwork, either. As I noted earlier, there are very big reasons that homosexual couples fought to be able to set up a legal arrangement of mutual care by one relatively inexpensive legal action.)
 
1Lord1Faith said:
Wow, that’s completely uncalled for.
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I the context of her question, it was not uncalled for. The bible says to look at the log in your own eye before trying to remove the spec from your brothers. When a parent wants to teach their children to follow the religion, they need to set a good example. As well, if her first marriage was NOT annulled and she tells her son that marriage is important, he will always be able to use the argument ‘your first marriage failed’ as proof that marriate is NOT important. It is simply a matter of being able to use logical arguments
 
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