why should the unhappily married suffer?

[cargopilot]

It’s hard to not be inspired by the story posted by rayne89. She clearly ‘picked up her cross’ everyday for a long time, faced with circumstances that would have broken many a marriage. Her strength shows us that even when faced with the impossible, determination not to just ‘bail’, but to endure with the ‘divorce is not an option’ mentality.

Dear rayne89, I honor your determination and am glad that you can post here today, for those who wonder ‘why should the unhappily married suffer.’ You’re proof that the Church knows the marriage business.

Sure, I know there are abusive situations where separation is in order, and I’m pretty sure that the Church would even take steps to extricate an abused spouse and children from such environs. Further, many of those cases can be remediated and the family reunited. But the vast, vast numbers of shattered families are simply the result of one spouse just ‘falling out of love’ or finding someone who they love more. For every one of those rayne89’s out there who take the hard, hard road, there are hundreds more who take the easy way.

rayne89:

If you’re looking for someone with experience with an unhappy marriage you found her.

My husband was an alcoholic, drug using, porn addicted, chronically depressed and even was unfaithful so I think I can speak from experience. I married him when I was 18 years old. I do not believe in divorce. I believe in helping your spouse get to heaven. If he had been physically abusive he would have had to move out but I would not have divorced him. We came to a crisis point in our marriage where I didn’t know if we would make it. It was the most painful time in my life. I crieed until there were no more tears left to cry. We had an 18 month old daughter and I constantly worried about the effects this would have on her. We decided to to a Retrouvaille weekend kind of as a last resort. It was the turning point in our marriage.

My husband has been clean and sober for 7 years, no more porn, has come out of his depression (with some counseling and meds for a while). And is the most tender, loving, faithful man you’d ever meet. And an awesome dad to boot.

Marriage is very hard sometimes. You have work to keep a marriage strong and healthy. There is no such thing “I do” and then as happily ever after. If I would have walked when things were horrible I would have missed out on the wonderful marriage we have now.

I do have a friend whose husband was physically abusive. SHe married him at 17 because she had become pregnant. They went to marriage counceling for a few years and worked very hard. The now have 3 beautiful children together and he has not laid a hand on her in 14 years. They struggle sometimes, all marriages struggle sometimes but they love each other even when they don’t feel very loving toward each other.

People are incredibly unrealistic about marriage. They spent more then a year getting the wedding planned. The perfect dress. the perfect flowers ect, spend money and time for that one day to be just right. And then just expect the rest of their lives together to be happily ever after worth out putting any effort or work into their marriage. Living ewith another person for the rest of your life with his/her faults and failings is tough stuff at times. The madly in love, soulmate, perfectly happy stuff will get hit with a large dose of reality at some point. Ya’ll better be prepared.

 

[Jaded27]

YinYangMom:

If you don’t mind my asking…
you don’t have to sign the divorce papers, do you?

It has always been my understanding, and I shared this with my husband before and after we were married, that if for whatever reason he filed for divorce, I would never sign it. Just ain’t gonna happen. He will never be free to marry another person so long as I live.

Am I wrong about that? Had the alcoholism issue not been a factor in your marriage would you still consider signing the papers, or are you signing them because you know by doing so you’ll be able to file for an annulment and truly be free to start over?

That seems kind of vindictive. What is your personal reasoning for that? Just to be cruel to him? I’m honestly wondering.
I know that my ex hurt me and we still granted one another divorce. We had serious issues between us and we were not vindictive about this. He is even filling out paperwork willingly for my annullment. So what do you gain by holding onto bitterness like that?
Is it just because he wouldn’t be a good catholic by wanting a divorce or something? honestly wondering.

 

[YinYangMom]

Jaded27:

That seems kind of vindictive. What is your personal reasoning for that? Just to be cruel to him? I’m honestly wondering.
I know that my ex hurt me and we still granted one another divorce. We had serious issues between us and we were not vindictive about this. He is even filling out paperwork willingly for my annullment. So what do you gain by holding onto bitterness like that?
Is it just because he wouldn’t be a good catholic by wanting a divorce or something? honestly wondering.

\

Oh, no, not to be cruel at all.
I wanted him to be very, very certain about living the rest of his life with me is all. We were married in the 80s, a time when many families were splitting up left and right - the ME generation and all.

In our situation, he was in his mid 30s I was in my mid 20s, we had/have no addictions, came from parents who are still married to this day, both practicing Catholics.

I was basically reaffirming that for me, this marriage would last a lifetime.

In case there was any inkling in his mind whatsoever that if things got rough he’d have an out clause, I wanted him to be clear that there is no out for me…annulment wouldn’t have been possible because of our very well informed state of mind at that stage of engagement.

At the same time, because no one can predict the future, I was letting him know he could, if necessary leave me physically, but that would be the extent of it, as I would not sign divorce papers since I was promising never to give him grounds for such a thing.

I also had him promise, before I said yes to the engagement, that should we hit any rough spots, counseling was mandatory - no matter what - and it wasn’t going through the motions kind, either - he’d have to give it all he had in terms of truth and honesty and I would do the same.

18 years later it seems like only 8 have passed. Life is good with us. Yes we had about 3 rough patches, went to counseling on 2 of them (mild cases).

Before we started trying to have a family, we again reaffirmed the permanency of our marriage - that time promising, for the sake of the children, to do whatever it takes to remain “happily” married while they were in our care. I’ll tell you, being able to look our children in the eyes to assure them we will always be together - lovingly, not out of obligation - is the second best gift we could ever give them (life is the first). They have hugged and thanked us often for that promise, especially when their friends’ families were splitting up and hitting rough patches.

I should also note that I’m a rather independent woman who is very strong in my faith. I know me. If he would ever leave me, just to get away or to be with another woman, I would not be bitter. It just isn’t in my heart. I’d chalk it up to his need to grow in some way or another.

Why hang on to the civil marriage contract? Because he should not marry another woman, plain and simple, for his own sake. And I guess I’d also be holding out hope that after the mid-life crisis and seeing life isn’t so much better with someone else or starting over, he could still come back. It’s happened before to other couples, and I’d hold out for that hope and possibility…and yeah, I’d take him back in a heartbeat. The stories I’ve read of situations like that indicate they come back more loving and appreciative than before, and it’s been a good ride so far, that would be kinda cool. If he never came back, that would be ok too. I certainly do not want to start another relationship with anyone else…it’s work, and it really is such a commitment. I have my children and my extended family and friends. I will never feel lonely.

 

[viktor_aleksndr]

Divorce is a selfish decision between the couple especially if they had children. Divorce might free both the couple from each other but the children will suffer great.

 

[LittleDeb]

YinYangMom:

I should also note that I’m a rather independent woman who is very strong in my faith. I know me. If he would ever leave me, just to get away or to be with another woman, I would not be bitter. It just isn’t in my heart. I’d chalk it up to his need to grow in some way or another.

Why hang on to the civil marriage contract? Because he should not marry another woman, plain and simple, for his own sake. And I guess I’d also be holding out hope that after the mid-life crisis and seeing life isn’t so much better with someone else or starting over, he could still come back. It’s happened before to other couples, and I’d hold out for that hope and possibility…and yeah, I’d take him back in a heartbeat. The stories I’ve read of situations like that indicate they come back more loving and appreciative than before, and it’s been a good ride so far, that would be kinda cool. If he never came back, that would be ok too. I certainly do not want to start another relationship with anyone else…it’s work, and it really is such a commitment. I have my children and my extended family and friends. I will never feel lonely.

What a beautiful example of real love. We were taught by our parents a definition of love that rings this true.

Real love: At any time for any reason you allow someone to leave your life and never return.

It applies not only to those couples who seek divorce, but to parents whose child rebels (like the prodigal son.) Death of someone we dearly want to hold onto. And espcially to the love God has for us. He loves us so much that He will allow us to leave His presence and never return if that is what we choose. That is powerful love!

 

[Jaded27]

viktor aleksndr:

Divorce is a selfish decision between the couple especially if they had children. Divorce might free both the couple from each other but the children will suffer great.

Well, sorry you feel that way. I myself do not have children (a fact I was very glad of when going through my divorce). Some couples stay together for the kids and end up making everyone even more miserable. I think that’s a bad idea.

 

[sara888]

**I am Catholic, but I wanted to get another Catholics spin on this.

WHat if it was more of a sin to stay in a bad marriage, since a bad marraige causes, anger, bitterness, resentment, envy, etc., etc,.

Sara**

 

[YinYangMom]

I am Catholic, but I wanted to get another Catholics spin on this.

WHat if it was more of a sin to stay in a bad marriage, since a bad marraige causes, anger, bitterness, resentment, envy, etc., etc,.

Sara

Bad marriages don’t cause anger, bitterness, resentment, envy…

they contribute to it…

but with **all **emotions, we are ultimately responsible for our own actions/responses to everything around us.

If you are in a situation at home, at work, at church, which has you feeling these negative emotions - including anxiety - then you are responsible for getting to the root of the matter.

This doesn’t mean you go out and tell everyone around you to change their behaviors, change who they are.

It means you have to seek help from a trusted person - someone who can be objective about you and will tell you the truth about your reactions/responses - whether or not they are justified, warranted, healthy.

Most negative emotions, especially when allowed to fester, are not healthy for a person - emotionally, physically and spiritually. So we have to find ways to let them go…

This means speaking to a spiritual advisor or a therapist…let them help us figure out why a certain behavior rubs us a certain way, and then find a way to stop the learned behavior. We can learn to conquer our fears and anxieties or we can learn to truly give them to God, or to find ways to endure them while we offer up any pain, anguish, discomfort up for the souls in purgatory.

We don’t have to run from these emotions, hide from them, stuff them deep down inside. We can face them and begin the healing process.

 

[b_justb]

I think the question is not so much civil divorce in bad situations but it is remarriage after civil divorce if one was in a valid sacramental marriage.

No one, at least I would hope no one, would suggest to another person that is in a marriage that is being abused to stick it out or tough it out. That’s c r a p (ah ha! I figured out how to beat it). GET OUT OF A DANGEROUS SITUATION.

Not that you’re out the question is: What now? Do not divorce and do not remarry. It’s easier said than done I know. But that’s just the way it is. “Until death do we part” actually means, “Until death do you part.” It doesn’t mean: “Until I find a better prospect that I feel treats me better do we part.”

 

[Golf_Nut]

Jaded27:

Even if your mate is an alcoholic who beats you everyday? And your kids? You should let no man put that asunder?

This obviously from someone who has never dealt with depression or anxiety. What I said was " Do any of you know what it is like to be in a DEEP depression over something as big as your MARRIAGE?"
I said it’s a tough thing. Anyone who’s ever been in a bad marriage would know that.
I don’t think you fully grasped the point of my post or what was behind it.

I was in a very bad marriage for ten years. I got married quite young without really knowing the person. We were not compatible. Although there was no physical abuse, the mental and verbal abuse was just as devastating. After ten years and one child I could not take it any longer. I left. I am a man by t the way.

I went to my priest eventually, and the marriage was annulled. The Church decided that there never was a marriage in the first place, in the sense that there never was a true union of two people. Believe it or not, I find the priests who are down in the trenches are a lot more understanding and practical than the theologian wannabes on this site. I got my annulment and i am now much happier. I deserve to be happy as do you. I have a much better relationship with my daughter now that i am out of the marriage.

I strongly recommend you go to counseling to sort out your thoughts. “Gods plan” may also be for you to leave the marriage.

Its easy for others to say you have to stay in the marriage, but remember, you may not have a real marriage at all. What gives your husband the right to make you miserable? nothing.

Now some people may not think i am much of a Catholic.

Anyway, by doing this for yourself, remember it is not an act of selfishness but rather for your own sanity. Moreover, you will set a better example for your children.

take care

 

[Shiann]

Golf_Nut:

Anyway, by doing this for yourself, remember it is not an act of selfishness but rather for your own sanity.

WHAT???

By doing this for YOURSELF, it is not an act of SELFishness but for YOUR own sanity…