Why should we continue to believe in marriage?

[CaliLobo]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

 

[JimG]

Every society in history has recognized the importance of marriage, since without it, the civilization would soon die out for lack of a next generation of citizens. Strictly speaking, however, children can be procreated without marriage, but as is evident in many places today, in those situations, children suffer, are not properly socialized, and the communities descend into social chaos, violence and worse.

So it would seem there is a choice between marriage as a basis for a civilized society, or depopulation, or chaotic social conditions. We seem to be opting for both chaos and depopulation at the same time.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

Male and Female He made them. A man shall leave his parents and cleve to his wife.
God forbids marriage and remarriage. The fault is with us not with God. And the truth is that if marriage fails society fails. Period.

Linus2nd

 

[thewanderer]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

The idea that divorce is something that “just happens” or even more so, that divorce “just happens” whenever there is not sufficient economic incentive to remain married is ridiculous. Divorces do not “just happen”. People choose to divorce. Whatever the reasons, it is a conscious decision on their part. A conscious decision to abandon their solemn vows (unless, of course, the divorce is necessary for the sake of preserving their and their children’s well-being and they do not consider the divorce as the end of their marriage, but instead view it only as a legal means of protecting themselves). In other words, excluding the above exceptions, it is a deliberate choice to behave immorally. In other words, it is necessarily the result of a lack of morality, or “loss of morals” if that is what you want to call it. I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no way you can try to pin this on economics.

As for why male-female marriage is still needed for society… are you aware of the huge difference this institution makes for the children involved? Are you aware that it is proven that the best environment for children is a stable and loving family where they are raised by their genetic parents? There are studies on this. It is proven that children are most likely to be sexually assaulted or raped by their parent’s partner. The economic and emotional health of children who grew up in stable homes is clearly better than those who grew up in one-parent homes. These things are just fact. So if you care about the welfare of the future generations of humanity, then I assure, male-female marriage is absolutely something you need to be concerned with preserving.

And finally, to the idea that us humans are no longer capable of remaining true and faithful to one person for our whole lives just because we live longer, I present to you my mother. She was abused by my father, mostly emotionally, but on occasion physically. He cheated on her, betrayed her and hurt her in unimaginable ways. Yet she remained faithful to him. She was not naive, she removed us kids from that situation, took us far away from him and raised us on her own, but she never tried to find someone else to start a new family with. She refused to even think of doing such a thing because she had made a promise, a solemn vow, to remain faithful to my father until death do they part. And when she made that vow she meant it. And so she refused to instill bitterness in us kids towards our father, despite all he had done to us and to her. She merely told us that he had taken a wrong path and needed prayers. And so we prayed for him, all of us, herself included. She remained faithful to her vows even in the most difficult of situations. Remaining faithful to a solemn promise that you make may not be easy, it may not be painless, but it is hardly something that has all of a sudden become impossible or out of the reach of us weak humans. My mother was not a saint, she had her failings just as every one of us does, but despite the fact that it meant she could not seek out another man to comfort her she remained true to her promises even in the face of unimaginable betrayal. No, remaining true and faithful to one person for your whole life is not somehow out of reach for us humans just because we live longer. All we need to do is actually mean our vows when we say them, and then refuse to break them. Life isn’t always easy and it isn’t always “fair”. But what is always true is that it is up to us, with God’s help, to do what is right.

 

[Xantippe]

“I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.”

People rarely come here to post about how totally awesome their husband, wife, siblings, kids, parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles and cousins are.

If you want actual social science, look it up. What you’ll find is that married people and their kids are doing very well in the US these days, with good spousal relationships, stability, and very high levels of investment in children’s welfare. The problem is that as you’ve noticed, that family model is both increasingly desirable and less and less common, with very unpleasant results for children. Here’s an example from the online advice column Dear Wendy.

dearwendy.com/will-my-boyfriend-be-a-good-stepdad-to-my-daughter/

“With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?”

With the rise of Cheetos, Pop Tarts, Ho Hos, and Big Gulps, why is it important to eat fresh fruits and vegetables and bother with home cooking and nutrition?

“Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)”

I think you’re a little confused on the social science here. Marriage is doing better than it has in decades. The problem is primarily that people aren’t getting married, not that married people are divorcing. Have a look at Kay Hymowitz’s “Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age.”

“Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…”

1. Sure there is. Jealousy is a major human emotion. It’s there for a reason.
2. Divorce is concentrated in the early years of marriage. It’s not the little old ladies and little old men who are giving up after 50 or 60 years of marriage. Hence, life expectancy has pretty much nothing to do with divorce.

 

[bzkoss236]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

I would say that it is because of these that we should hold on even stronger to marriage and what it is, because these things are evidence that its understanding is being lost and people are not taking it seriously anymore, just like many people aren’t taking God seriously anymore. It does nothing but lead to chaos and the devaluing of things that are sacred, like life.

 

[EasterJoy]

…why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?..

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

What, pray tell, is the alternative? None of the alternatives are what lovers want–read the most beautiful love poetry! People do not want to be sex machines who have “encounters” instead of lasting relationships with someone who is there for them exclusively, at least those who aren’t sociopaths don’t. People want to be lovers; they want exclusive relationships; they want the person they love to have children with them. They want their love to be made to last a lifetime.

Marriage is the concrete boundary that give lovers the life-long fidelity and fecundity that lovers naturally want to give each other…even the males. In old age above all, people want the lovers of their youth as the lovers of their old age, the man or woman who sees them in the context of their full life. They want a lover they can trust, they want their children to have a parent that those children can trust, and they want that lover to be the child’s biological parent, to be their grandchild’s biological grandparent, with whom the child will long to bond as long as that parent is alive and that relationship is possible. It is these concrete boundaries of marriage that protect the ties of blood relationship, that keep our mothers with our fathers and our grandmothers with our grandfathers, that give our families integrity. Those families that don’t have that suffer from the strain of it. Yes, through heroic generosity a new love can become a parent when one parent is lost, but both the difficulty and the degree to which that heroic effort is worthwhile shows how precious is the original situation that nature ordains.

 

[Jozefo]

Because we’re not animals.

 

[mia2klm]

Marriages are still surviving and thriving! You have been reading and listening to too much bad news! Let me counterbalance that. I have been married 41 years, and at this point in my life, I cannot imagine ever being married to anybody else, even if I should lose my husband. His spirit lives within me, and will always be a part of me. We enjoy the small happiness of every day life, and we occasionally take fun vacations together, and go on dates just like when we were young.

We have not always had an easy life; we have 4 children who have brought us great joy and great pain. We have 4 grandchildren who are very much a part of our lives and have lived in our home, off and on, for most of the last 5 years. People tell us that we are somehow special and unique for surviving all that we have, but honestly, we cannot imagine a greater blessing.

Just because some people fail to understand or carry out their marriage as a sacrament, that does not in any way diminish the sanctity of those who cherish, love and honor one another for their whole lives. Even if, in the secular world, laws allow same-sex marriage, that still does not diminish the sanctity of the faith-based marriage of a man and a woman. Marriage is a beautiful sacrament in the Church, and always will be… and there are many of us!

 

[mikeeh]

After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

This is the case for most animals. Humans, however, are a very unique species. We are capable of creating beautiful works of art, wonderful music, captivating literature, and delicious culinary cuisines. We are capable of so much more thought beyond the need for survival. We dream, we wish, we hope. Because of everything we are capable of creating we should strive to be more than just animals. Animals have sex outside of marriage. Animals have babies outside of marriage. Animals engage in homosexual acts. Animals rape. I hope humans can overcome these animal instincts and become something greater. Marriage should be a reflection of all the things humans can create which separates us from other animals, the beasts.

 

[Xantippe]

Another difference between us and every other animal–our young are immature for nearly two decades and require very unusual amounts of care. A baby calf, for instance, is on its feet within half an hour of birth or something is wrong, and will be sexually mature within about a year. We are very different.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is the case for most animals. Humans, however, are a very unique species. We are capable of creating beautiful works of art, wonderful music, captivating literature, and delicious culinary cuisines. We are capable of so much more thought beyond the need for survival. We dream, we wish, we hope. Because of everything we are capable of creating we should strive to be more than just animals. Animals have sex outside of marriage. Animals have babies outside of marriage. Animals engage in homosexual acts. Animals rape. I hope humans can overcome these animal instincts and become something greater. Marriage should be a reflection of all the things humans can create which separates us from other animals, the beasts.

I would not say that there is no biological drive for monogamy in humans. What is very clear, if nothing else, is that we have a very strong drive to have monogamy from our mates! (Something other animals share, too.) It is also quite clear that humans are indeed capable of self-mastery. Marriage is not a matter of expecting the impossible. Humans can expect to master their own physical drives on a widespread basis, even if some will choose not to do that, provided there is the societal support needed to keep supportive boundaries in place.

What has changed, IOW, is not human nature. What has changed is that we expect less and less of ourselves when it comes to mastering our own natures. Marriage is hardly the only thing that has suffered on account of that!

 

[skigirl1689]

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

Umm, even with increased life expectancy, this is no excuse to throw marriage by the wayside. Both sets of my grandparents were married for over 50 years and by no means had perfect marriages. But they took the vows they made before God seriously and worked to make it work. I also have aunt and uncles who have been married over 30 and even 40 years.

I think it is a huge lie propagated by society that humans cannot be monogamous, because it is possible and God asks it of us.

 

[HumblePilgrim]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

Yes, I would agree with you that the news is tragic but people mostly come to the forums to post about their problems and not to boast or gloat about their happy marriages. It’s just a fact that you will see more problems than pleasures and it would appear that it’s all gloom and doom.

 

[mikeeh]

I would not say that there is no biological drive for monogamy in humans. What is very clear, if nothing else, is that we have a very strong drive to have monogamy from our mates! (Something other animals share, too.) It is also quite clear that humans are indeed capable of self-mastery. Marriage is not a matter of expecting the impossible. Humans can expect to master their own physical drives on a widespread basis, even if some will choose not to do that, provided there is the societal support needed to keep supportive boundaries in place.

What has changed, IOW, is not human nature. What has changed is that we expect less and less of ourselves when it comes to mastering our own natures. Marriage is hardly the only thing that has suffered on account of that!

I agree. Sorry if I sounded a little blatant and harsh in my response. I get a little irritated when people attack the institution on marriage saying it’s outdated and meaningless. Not that you or CaliLobo was saying that, but CaliLobo did touch on a question that a lot of “modern” and secular people now ask.

I definitely agree with your last point. Just this morning I heard a radio clip of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. giving a speech to junior high students telling them that no matter where they end up in life they need to strive to be the best at what they do and how they live. Many people in our society no longer strive to be the best person they can be; particularly because our society teaches us that we are all unique and special so we don’t have to change, and the world should just except everyone how they are, good or bad. In other words, bad is now okay, bad is now good. That desire to master our own natures is no longer there.

What I’m saying to you this morning, my friends, even if it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, go on out and sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures; sweep streets like Handel and Beethoven composed music; sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry; (Go ahead) sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, “Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well."

If you can’t be a pine on the top of a hill

Be a scrub in the valley—but be

The best little scrub on the side of the hill,

Be a bush if you can’t be a tree.

If you can’t be a highway just be a trail

If you can’t be the sun be a star;

It isn’t by size that you win or fail—

Be the best of whatever you are.

And when you do this, when you do this, you’ve mastered the length of life.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

 

[PaulGH]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

Marriage is still important because…

• … the family is the fundamental building block of society.
• … a family headed by a married father and mother is the best, most beneficial environment for raising children.
• … husbands and wives benefit in tangible and intangible ways from marriage, as studies have shown.
• … children have an inherent right to be raised by their biological mother and father (to the extent possible, with obvious exceptions such as abusive parents, deceased parents, etc.).
• … most people are called by God to the vocation of marriage.
• … a society with strong marriages will have fewer social problems, since many social problems are exacerbated by children growing up with divorced parents, single parents, etc.
• … a society with strong marriages will be better protected against government encroachment on every aspect of people’s lives, because there is no need for the government to provide things if most families can provide for themselves. (And I could cite studies that show, for example, that families headed by a single parent have a much higher poverty rate than families headed by a married couple – meaning that married couples on average have less need of government assistance).

I could go on, but I think that’s a good start.

Also, I would point out that while there certainly are a number of posts here about failed marriages (as you noted), I would venture to guess that many, many more posts could be made about wonderful intact marriages. It’s just that people are more likely to post when they need help in a crisis situation, not when everything is going great.

 

[lily22]

it’s sin which got into the marriages. lust, greed, etc.

speaking of, wouldn’t it still be best to remain single if a marriage is annulled, rather than re-marry?

 

[Lorelei12]

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

What kind of “significant response” are you looking for, exactly? This may be a theory of yours, but in general people really don’t get divorced simply because they think they would have more money otherwise. There are so many reasons people divorce, but a lot of it happens because one or the other didn’t really mean it when they said “until death do us part”, or at least they stopped meaning it along the way. The permanence of marriage is a foreign concept to a lot of people.

Why should we continue to believe in marriage? Well, other posters have done a wonderful job highlighting the many benefits of marriage, both for the spouses themselves and their children, which in turn benefits society as a whole. There is an abundance of social science literature to support these claims, and I’d encourage you to look some of it up if you’re doubtful.

 

[DAML72]

I am reading a lot of tragic posts here on CAF about 10, 20, 30 year marriages failing, even among practicing Catholics.

With the rise of divorces, cohabitation, and out-of-wedlock births, and the inevitable redefinition of marriage across the world to include gays, why should we continue to support and believe in male-female marriage? Putting the political and legal debate aside, why is male-female marriage still necessary for today’s society, families, and world?

Is it only because of God that we believe it’s necessary, or are there secular explanations?

Isn’t it true that what’s causing marriage to fail is not a loss of moral values, but rather a loss of economic incentive to remain married? (I have asked this in several other threads but got no significant response.)

Can we really expect that with rising life expectancy, that humans ought to remain faithful to one partner for that long? After all, there is no biological drive toward monogamy for humans…

Marriage is incredibly important for the proper care and raising of children. Ask any sane but divorced single parent. Ask any child victim of divorce.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Marriage is incredibly important for the proper care and raising of children. Ask any sane but divorced single parent. Ask any child victim of divorce.

Any? Ok, my mother was divorced, and yes, it was hard for her as a single parent. She did remarry when I was 13, but she doesn’t regret the time that it was just us. I think that’s actually one of the reasons that I have a more honest and closer relationship with my mom than most people. (She was never a helicopter parent though.)

My fiance’s parents divorced when he was 11, and he’s glad they did. He was still very close to both parents, but he got more one on one time with each and his house was far more peaceful after his parents stopped living together.

Don’t paint everyone with the same brush. Many of us had wonderful childhoods and great families, even if they weren’t traditional.