Why this husband?

[nancymarie]

Why did God send me a husband who would wind up hurting me so much?

We were young when we married – 19 and 22 – and I was inexperienced in the ways of personality disorders.

I wound up in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage which I stayed in because I thought that’s what you do. I also lost my self-esteem through all this, developed an anxiety problem and depression. It paralyzed my ability to think clearly and to take action.

We are separated now, but we are no longer young and my husband is ill.

I feel both our lives have been wasted because we married one another.

I wish I knew why.

 

[Sillara]

We choose our spouses. (And even in arranged marriages our parents or matchmaker choose the spouse, whom we then accept.)

It’s not God’s fault.

 

[daisybee]

First of all, with God’s grace, whatever time you have left in this life can still be productive, fruitful, and happy. If you are recently separated, the pain of the separation may be strong now, but trust in God’s healing power. This may be a time for you to explore pursuing possibilities of work, hobbies, friendships, travels, education, etc., that you did not pursue in the past. Ask God to direct your interests and activities, and to show you what path He wishes for you to take.

Also, if you are recently separated, perhaps you could consider joining a support group at a parish near you.

There is a difference between God’s ordaining will (directing something to happen) and God’s permissive will (allowing something to happen). So perhaps God didn’t send you your husband, but He allowed you to decide on each other…? That is likely a question for the next life.

Our belief as Christians is that, given the example of Jesus Christ, when God permits something terrible or painful to happen (the Passion), when we trust in Him, He then transforms that event into something glorious and beautiful (the Resurrection).

Ask Him to show you what He wants from you, seek out support from others, and ask him to transform your pain. I highly recommend Anthony DeStefano’s book Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To. Among other topics in the book, DeStefano describes God’s willingness and great desire to support us when we’re in pain.

I think sometimes when we are young, we forget to directly involve God in our decision making, or, depending on our upbringing, we may not have been formed well enough to recognize how He speaks to us (not necessarily anyone’s specific fault; the world is not perfect thanks to original sin…). Regardless, you now have a chance to directly involve Him, and He tells us that He makes all things new.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, [for] the old order has passed away.” The one who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”* (Rev 21:4-5a)

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I like what Daisybee had to say!

I am sorry, Nancymarie, truly, and I know some of what you feel because i have been pretty much in your shoes. Its a several years out for me from where you now are, and I am better now. * “Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof.”* For you the beginning of a sad realization in your life. I remember the feeling - *why so many wasted years?? *I had some bitterness about the wasted years. Its understandable!

And there is a time for bitterness. Our Lady had bitterness, too, about how her son was treated, Who was only Love. Your loving, most Merciful Mother understands!

Beware of being tempted to despair. The evil ones who prowl through the world seeking the ruin of souls see your vulnerable state and try to tempt you to despair. When that happened to me, I felt myself on the edge of a precipice, and I think my Guardian Angel led me to think of those worse off than me. So I suggest if you feel sadness going to far, towards despair, you think of whatever seems worse to you. Loss of your own health, your vision, ability to walk, whatever seems to tough to take (and realize those who do take this, with grace). I was a sudden single Mom and not happy about that, so at these times I would remember that “some Moms are taking their kids to chemotherapy today” and that would snap me out of it.

I am not saying you should feel any shame for sadness and bitterness, because surely it is your season for that - just don’t let it get you so far as to despair.

Yes, you are no spring chicken now but realize there are people that are in terribly poor health, or are elderly, who live deeply meaningful lives. You can and will too, with God’s Grace. He will heal your heart, and He will give you back the years the locust has eaten.

And you can someday be grateful for this misery. I remember reading Joni Erickson Tada’s story. She was paralyzed neck down from a diving accident when she was a young, active, promising teen. She does lovely drawings with her teeth and is an inspirational speaker. She said that though bitter and angry at God when it happened (understandable!) she now is GLAD it happened! Yes, GLAD! Because it made her rely on God, and love Him more, and know His love more. She said she wouldn’t change a thing!

Wow! I also have such grace. That sort, I should say, not THAT much grace, because I did not need THAT much. God gives us the grace we need. Some people need great buckets of grace because of the horrendous trials they have. God gives us what we need.

I was bitter once, and sad, and confused why God let this happen. I trusted His goodness, but I was so, so sad and confused. Now I am glad! I would not trade my long bad marraige to a Narcissist abuser and my horrendous divorce and custody battle and the accompanying calumny and high stress and then the huge practical struggles of being a single Mom, so unprepared and so ill-equipped to do that in my grief and confusion - I would not trade that! I felt like nothing, you see, and in our nothingness God can do the most. I was forced to actively trust in Him.

I feel that had I had a great husband I might have felt I sort of earned it, or deserved it, and not understood others like you. I am glad I no longer think that good marriages are just hard work (so those without good marriages, those people that divorce, must be kind of morally lazy, or just not work hard enough!) But the best thing of all is I had to rely on God; I had to not only have faith, which I had all along, now I had to* trust in him*.

And I learned I could trust him. It was the best lesson ever (which I still have to practice!) and it was worth what I went through. Because of it, I know I would not trade it for anything.

God bless you, Nancymarie. God is close to those whose hearts are breaking. He sees your confusion and your bitterness, and He is full of pity, and love for you.

God has a plan for you Nancymarie, and He will reveal it in His time. I think right now He just wants to love you.

 

[nancymarie]

Thank you for these kind and prayerful responses.

I don’t blame God for my mariage woes, but at times I wonder why He allowed me to meet and marry the man I did marry. My husband to be only seemed charming and sweet before we married – no huge red flags during the courtship. It was only a year or two later that his abusive side emerged, much to my astonishment and later, fear.

Now that he is ill with ms, I have to discern God’s further will for my life – and really that means whether God is asking me to return to the marriage and help my husband through the stages of his disease.

But I am so afraid that this man, who even now, doesn’t show me much love – though I see him often to help him and care for him – will continue to be cold and unemotional.

Please pray for me to do God’s Holy Will. I don’t see divorce as a way out of my pain.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Thank you for these kind and prayerful responses.

I don’t blame God for my mariage woes, but at times I wonder why He allowed me to meet and marry the man I did marry. My husband to be only seemed charming and sweet before we married – no huge red flags during the courtship. It was only a year or two later that his abusive side emerged, much to my astonishment and later, fear.

Now that he is ill with ms, I have to discern God’s further will for my life – and really that means whether God is asking me to return to the marriage and help my husband through the stages of his disease.

But I am so afraid that this man, who even now, doesn’t show me much love – though I see him often to help him and care for him – will continue to be cold and unemotional.

Please pray for me to do God’s Holy Will. I don’t see divorce as a way out of my pain.

If he is manipulating and emotionally and verbally abusive, I would not do it!

If you do work with him now you have a right to expect certain things from him if you are to continue. When you are caregiver you have to take care of yourself, and ask for what you need.

I remember that movie, “As Good As it Gets”, when Helen Hunt goes on a date with crazy Jack Nicholson and demands of him: “GIVE ME a compliment!”

That is the sort of thing you may need to demand from this sick man. I work with handicapped children in the schools, many with autism, and they must learn the behaviors that just don’t come natural to them. So they will be told to, and held accountable to, greeting people in the halls and making general conversation, including saying something nice about someone. “I like your shirt”.

So you might want to think about what will make you more comfortable to work with him, and demand it. You are in a position to, and it will only do him good to behave right.

I also suggest getting professional advice from one who knows Narcissists and abusers. If they tell you you should leave him, find out WHY they say so, and think it through. Maybe write it out. Is this a purely secular godless viewpoint, or is there some sense and some wisdom to it? Narrow down your questions to your main concerns about this advice, then take it to a holy and wise priest for some Catholic counsel.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

If he is manipulating and emotionally and verbally abusive, I would not do it!

If you do work with him now you have a right to expect certain things from him if you are to continue. When you are caregiver you have to take care of yourself, and ask for what you need.

I remember that movie, “As Good As it Gets”, when Helen Hunt goes on a date with crazy Jack Nicholson and demands of him: “GIVE ME a compliment!”

That is the sort of thing you may need to demand from this sick man. I work with handicapped children in the schools, many with autism, and they must learn the behaviors that just don’t come natural to them. So they will be told to, and held accountable to, greet people in the halls and make general conversation, or say something nice about someone. “I like your shirt”.

So you might want to think about what will make you more comfortable to work with him, and demand it. You are in a position to, and it will only do him good to behave right.

I also suggest getting professional advice from one who knows Narcissists and abusers. If they tell you you should leave him, find out WHY they say so, and think it through. Maybe write it out. Is this a purely secular godless viewpoint, or is there some sense and some wisdom to it? Narrow down your questions to your main concerns about this advice, then take it to a holy and wise priest for some Catholic counsel.

 

[Ahava]

NancyMarie, All i would like to tell you is. Take care of him and offer your pains to God. You will be rewarded. He might see your love and might have a conversion, which is your chance to save a soul. Its a grace from God. I know its easy for me to advice, cause i cant andle a slightest abuse form anyone. But if you can do it , please do it. I will pray for you

 

[TimeEntrance]

Why did God send me a husband who would wind up hurting me so much?

We were young when we married – 19 and 22 – and I was inexperienced in the ways of personality disorders.

I wound up in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage which I stayed in because I thought that’s what you do. I also lost my self-esteem through all this, developed an anxiety problem and depression. It paralyzed my ability to think clearly and to take action.

We are separated now, but we are no longer young and my husband is ill.

I feel both our lives have been wasted because we married one another.

I wish I knew why.

Thank you for these kind and prayerful responses.

I don’t blame God for my mariage woes, but at times I wonder why He allowed me to meet and marry the man I did marry. My husband to be only seemed charming and sweet before we married – no huge red flags during the courtship. It was only a year or two later that his abusive side emerged, much to my astonishment and later, fear.

Now that he is ill with ms, I have to discern God’s further will for my life – and really that means whether God is asking me to return to the marriage and help my husband through the stages of his disease.

But I am so afraid that this man, who even now, doesn’t show me much love – though I see him often to help him and care for him – will continue to be cold and unemotional.

Please pray for me to do God’s Holy Will. I don’t see divorce as a way out of my pain.

Wow. Suffering and pain never stops in this world. You’ve lived a very hard life N. Marie.

I do hope some happier days are ahead of you.

I don’t know why God allows such pain and suffering to go on - why it has to be a part of the world He created. Theological explanations do not suffice when you’re living through it. It all sounds like and becomes mental masturbation.

The beginning of the long trail of sorrows in my adult life began not so much with “why God allowed this” as in your case, but with me getting a deep interior warning not to return home when I was still in the military. It began the domino effects. I was essentially warned by God or angel I believe - but I disregarded that deep warning I knew inside myself. And I’ve gone over that moment probably a billion times in my head. Trying to figure out why I didn’t listen. Wishing I could relive the moment and choice.

In the end we can never regain the past.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Why did God send me a husband who would wind up hurting me so much?

We were young when we married – 19 and 22 – and I was inexperienced in the ways of personality disorders.

I wound up in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage which I stayed in because I thought that’s what you do. I also lost my self-esteem through all this, developed an anxiety problem and depression. It paralyzed my ability to think clearly and to take action.

We are separated now, but we are no longer young and my husband is ill.

I feel both our lives have been wasted because we married one another.

I wish I knew why.

We choose the marry in most cases or not. It can be a gamble either way as people change or they may show a more positive reflection of themselves to others only to let a more negative self appear later or perhaps some just are not marriage material and only find that out once the deed is done. The best we can do is to trust our instincts and make the best with what we have.