Why would a woman choose to marry a who uses/could be addicted to porn?

[turtle18]

Because porn is prevalent in today’s society, it’s almost become second nature for a man to view it.

Just because someone, man or woman, is a devout Catholic, that doesn’t mean they are struggling with something. There are many people who go to daily Mass because they are struggling with something and need God’s grace to overcome it.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

Why should that question be asked if the husband never showed any interest in this? My husband was very religious (or so I thought) and even preached pornography was immoral. That’s why I didn’t ask. I don’t think it’s something you should be asking unless he/she shows behavior that would lead to this… just my 2 cc

My DH and I discussed this prior to our marriage. We also talked about our faith, if there would be any circumstance that would make us change our faith (none thankfully). Our views on abortion. Our views on NFP. Our views on how we would raise our children. Our views on how we would educate our children. Our views on divorce. Our views on death. I could go on. Maybe it was because we were both a bit older (30’s) when we married. I do believe that (mostly now days) those in courtship or decerning marriage NEED to have these discussions. I hope to educate our future children in discussing these issues prior to their marriages.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a chance that someone could hide this. Although, like I said in my previous post, I do believe that there are other indications most the time (not all) that indicate that they are making other poor decisions on.

 

[duskyjewel]

yessisan, much of the time the things people preach most strenuously against are the ones in which they are indulging. Look at that pastor, Haggard or whatever his name was, from the Colorado megachurch who went on and on about gays being sinners while he was engaging in gay sex and drug use with a prostitute. Or Elliot Spitzer, out busting prostitution rings and glorying in publicity about it as recently as 2004, when he’s been using prostitutes for at least a decade and spent over $80,000. If someone I knew actively preached about one issue, with a lot of passion, repeatedly, that would be a flag to me to explore that issue.

DH and I talked some about this issue before marriage due to his dad’s garage decor. He was clear that he didn’t think it showed much class on his dad’s part and didn’t disagree with my assessment of it as gross and degrading. He also told me, when I asked him outright, that he wouldn’t want to have those magazines in our house and didn’t have any of his own at the time. I didn’t want that stuff around my children, when I had them. My DH was open and honest with me. His behavior while discussing it gave me no pause. If he had gone on passionately about the evils of pornography for 15 or more minutes, however, or on more than one or two occasions, then that would have made me suspicious.

JustAnotherThou, you are so right about discussing everything BEFORE marriage. I was only 22 when I got married, but DH and I were engaged for nearly four years (all through college). I have often said that being engaged for that long forced us to get through and beyond that “first flush” stage and to really examine our relationship with a detached, critical eye before we wed. I had the time to see what our recurring sticking points were and the issues that cropped up over and over again, and to ask myself, “Can I live with these for the rest of my life?” I decided that, yes, I could, and that whatever difficulties we had were worth having him for the rest of our lives. But it was a decision I made rationally and looking into the future, which too many do not do. I don’t think everyone should be engaged for four years. We had reasons we had to wait that long, but not everyone does. However, I don’t think 18 months to 2 years is unreasonable. You need time to REALLY know people, to get outside the time frame in which they can pretend and keep up false images of themselves, before you commit for the rest of your life. People get married too quickly, and they don’t evaluate their relationships critically. They also don’t put enough stock in the advice of family members who express concerns or reservations. Usually years later they will admit they should have listened to their family.

 

[yessisan]

Well, maybe the problem with me is that we got married too quickly and most of my ideas about him were based on assumptions. We weren’t engaged for long, and because we didn’t have a Church wedding, we didn’t even go through Pre-Cana. In his religion, all they did was give him a book about engagement and marriage. We read a few pages, but we did talk about the big stuff, but then again, when it came to the children thing, he had changed his mind after we married, and then changed back his mind right before we conceived Julian.

But you know, I had a boyfriend for 5.5 yrs, we were “engaged” since 6 months into our relationship, and finally he gave me a ring 2 yrs before we broke up. That relationship ended in him threatening me and my family… even after being his friend since high school (for 3 yrs before we dated), I didn’t know that side of him. I don’t think you can fully know someone, even after being married to them.

I guess my point is that yes, an engagement should be long enough and things should be discussed before marrriage, especially before engagement so there are no HUGE surprises later on.

Heck, I found the porn on my day off, the day before my birthday. We had only been married for 5 months, and the dates on the videos and pictures dated back to 1 month after our marriage , now, that is really sad!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Find a poll that asks the general public these questions, and I think you’ll have your answer:

-Is the use of porn / masturbatio wrong?
-Is the use of porn / masturbation bad for a marriage?
-Is the use of porn/masturbation potentially deadly for a marriage?

My suspician is that the vast majority of people would answer “no” or “probably not” to all of those questions. And unfortunately, I’d bet the same would be true of Catholics, and probably even a large percentage of Catholics who want to follow their faith would answer “not necessarily” to these, and particularly to the last question. So we’re faced with people who marry porn users who don’t really think of it as a problem (aside form perhaps considering it distasteful). Why would you call off an engagement to a person who doesn’t have a problem?

 

[yessisan]

Find a poll that asks the general public these questions, and I think you’ll have your answer:

-Is the use of porn / masturbatio wrong?
-Is the use of porn / masturbation bad for a marriage?
-Is the use of porn/masturbation potentially deadly for a marriage?

My suspician is that the vast majority of people would answer “no” or “probably not” to all of those questions. And unfortunately, I’d bet the same would be true of Catholics, and probably even a large percentage of Catholics who want to follow their faith would answer “not necessarily” to these, and particularly to the last question. So we’re faced with people who marry porn users who don’t really think of it as a problem (aside form perhaps considering it distasteful). Why would you call off an engagement to a person who doesn’t have a problem?

You have a point there…

Before marriage, and before I got serious about my faith, I would’ve said no to all questions above… I went to San Francisco State University, and my minor was Human Sexuality. Who would’ve guessed? I was 1 class short for completing the minor, so I didn’t. But you see? I was so brainwashed and I thought it was ok because the school, the teachers, the students and the media said it was ok. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have thought of studying that as my minor.

After having met my husband and becoming serious about my faith, I don’t know if I would’ve call off the engagement. Maybe I would’ve asked him to seek help and then get married. Back then, I had the mentality of a peanut, so most likely, I would’ve thought “he’ll change for me”, so I don’t tink I would’ve called off the engagement. I became serious about my faith after marriage, so I think I would’ve married him.

 

[ac23]

I think the “I am addicted to porn” is a cop-out for many men who get caught looking at porn behind their wives back, or if they get caught having an affair, etc. To be clearly labeled an addict you have to have a psychologist or psychiatrist evaluate you and determine if your symptoms fall within the DSM-IV. I would almost bet that 90% of the people who claim they are addicted to porn have not been diagnosed by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist (much less seen one).

Now I will give in and say that yes maybe there is a small percentage of men/women who actually are addicted to porn. For the most part, I think they are using their Free Will and making bad decisions in their lives. I also feel that it is societies way of rationalizing other poor choices these people decide to make. I don’t know how many times I have heard on the secular media that “he had an affair because he was addicted to porn”!!! Get real!! I would also guess if you look at their other behaviors, you will find other areas that they are making poor decisions.

IMHO addict is used too often for behaviors that one does not want to accept responsibility for. What if I liked to speed, can I go before the Judge and say I’m addicted to speeding?

I do admit there are some addictions that are out there I have worked many years with drug and alcohol addicts. Most defense attorneys will also tell you (well not really but in a round about way) if a defendant says he is an addict the Judge will more likely give him/her a lighter sentence.

I agree with you that many use the “addiction” claim as an excuse. But I can attest to the fact that porn can cause an addiction.

In my particular case I was exposed to pornography at a very young age, around 7 or 8, and started masturbating as a result. Because of the natural endorphins (I guess that’s what they are) released as a result, it became something I resorted to in order to feel happier, to not be depressed, etc etc. It has been noted in studies that pornographic imagery just does not go away–it is burned into the mind.

When I finally sought counseling after a nervous breakdown several years ago, one thing I learned was that even though no one touched me or forced me to do anything as a child, early exposure to pornography was the same thing as sexual abuse.

I was led to believe that “everyone” views porn and that masturbation was a normal struggle for people. But in my case, it was and is an out and out addiction. Sure, there have been occasions where I seek it when I feel lustful. But most of the time, I’m looking for pornography because I am sad, angry, numb and am willing to do anything, ANYTHING to feel better. By the mercy of God, if I am willing to abstain for a week or two weeks or more, I am bombarded with the urge to look for pornagraphy and masturbate just because, not to further the end of sexual pleasure.

So yes, for some people it may just be an excuse. But others do have legit addictions.

At the moment I have a wonderfully devout Catholic girlfriend who has prayed for me, supported me and chastised me when necessary for the past 3 and 1/2 years. She is helping me to conquer my addiction and we both work very hard to remain virginally chaste and save sex for the marriage bed.

She might be a better poster for this thread and can give reasons as to why she’s giving me a chance

Because porn is prevalent in today’s society, it’s almost become second nature for a man to view it.

Just because someone, man or woman, is a devout Catholic, that doesn’t mean they are struggling with something. There are many people who go to daily Mass because they are struggling with something and need God’s grace to overcome it.

I would be one. Confession, Daily Mass and frequent reception of the Eucharist have given me the grace to carry my Cross and grow closer to Christ.

 

[deb1]

This question has caused me to consider my own childhood. My mom’s boyfriends often brough porn into the house. Despite the fact that it was hidden, we kids would find it and look. I grew up thinking that most people-men and women-looked at porn.

I was lucky. ALthough my hubby viewed porn early in our relationship, once we became Christian his conscious began to change. Even before I began to view pornography as wrong, he decided to stop looking at it.

At the time, I didn’t want to be seen as a prude. That type of thinking seems immature to me now but remember I was not a Christian and really didn’t have a good moral upbringing.

So, the answer to the OP’s question is that some women might not understand how wrong porn is until later in their marriage.

 

[rayne89]

Well lets see… when I got married at 18 I was conditioned by my peers and the secular enviroment around me that every guy looks at porn, in fact I had female friends who looked at porn.

While I grew up in a generally conservative house hold I did come across my dad’s Playboy’s when I was teenager tucked away in his desk drawer.

My dad and I were actually very close so it wasn’t a matter of women who have problem relationship with their dads -at least not in my case.

It actually became a problem when I returned to the church and realized it was a problem. And something seemed to change in me after the birth of our daughter that made any and all porn utterly repulsive where as earlier in our marriage I had actually viewed it with my husband.

It took several years of stuggles for my husband before he was able to put away the porn viewing for good. I do believe he was addicted, I don’t think it was an excuse because he was trying so very hard and was deeply pained when he fell. It was something that had started when he wasn’t even out of grade school, and took a long time to over come. For a while I had to change the password on the computer to keep him off the internet because it was too much of a temptation. I think many people see it as an excuse because they can’t relate to it. Porn has been referred to as crack for the mind.

My husband is a great husband and father. It was a hard and painful struggle but I have no regrets about marrying him. He is my best friend and we have a strong and loving marriage.

 

[duskyjewel]

One of the themes I am seeing here is how shockingly common a very young intro to porn is for young boys, and how extremely damaging that is.

It’s not that I have never seen porn. I too was influenced by the secular idea that it’s normal. Though I feel sorry for and worry about my former roommate and her boyfriend (and last I knew they were still together), I suppose I should be grateful to them for showing me just how quickly and how profoundly a person’s life can be completely taken over and undermined by pornography. They started out simply enough, with a couple of “normal” magazines and a few pictures they found online. After only a few weeks, they had dozens of the most offensive, strangest magazines I had ever seen. Really hardcore, and wierd fetish stuff I couldn’t have dreamed up had I tried. They were spending long hours at night swapping images online in chat rooms, and engaging in explicit conversations (cybersex) with people over the net. They progressed through the wierdest stuff humans could do within their own species and on into images of bestiality. They constantly wanted to show me their newest “cool” thing. After I expressed disgust a few times, they left me alone. I had my dorm room to myself a lot, because my roommate would spend the night off campus with her boyfriend, who was not in school. She spent so many hours when she should have been sleeping either downloading and swapping porn or doing whatever with her boyfriend that she started missing class. Her grades plummeted, and so did her physical fitness. She was in college on an Air Force ROTC scholarship. They gave her a chance to pass her fitness test agan, but she blew it off. Then her grades came out, and she was flunking pretty much everything. The Air Force cut her loose, and she couldn’t afford to stay in school, and she was on academic probation anyway. And she didn’t care. She packed up and left school to live with her boyfriend. It was so sad, because she gave up and destroyed everything she ever claimed to care about. Her dad had been military and was so proud of her. Getting a degree was a big deal, as I don’t think anyone in her family had one. And she threw it all away…

I had never liked porn and thought most of it was degrading anyway. But after I watched that, it lost any appeal it ever might have had. I saw first hand what it can do to people…

Maybe I was just very lucky to have that lesson so early in my life. It seems the damage done by porn is very well hidden in our society… it’s almost a conspiracy. I know the motive is money for the producers, but what is the motive for others? For the fathers who give this smut to their sons? Do they really think it’s some rite of passage? Is it a misery loves company kind of thing? I just have to wonder, because if my husband gave our seven year old pornography, he’d be livin’ at his Mama’s house, not mine! Though I am sure the fathers who do this tell the sons to hide it.

sigh All people would have to do is read Brave New World to see what happens to a society and the people who live in it when sex is stripped of all meaning and readily available as both pornography and interpersonal activity with no relationship. That book’s been around for 76 years… and it’s still just as prophetic as ever. It’s scary how right Huxley got it.

 

[rpp]

Interesting post. Let’s dial the clock back about 40 years and change a couple of words. Remember, imagine, as you read this, it is 1968, long before stiffening of penalties.

Ok, I say this knowing I am going to get FLAMED by many on here. Here it goes!!!

I think the “I am addicted to alcohol” is a cop-out for many men who get caught drinking behind their wives back, or if they get caught having drunk too much, etc. To be clearly labeled an addict you have to have a psychologist or psychiatrist evaluate you and determine if your symptoms fall within the DSM-II. I would almost bet that 90% of the people who claim they are addicted to alcohol have not been diagnosed by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist (much less seen one).

Now I will give in and say that yes maybe there is a small percentage of men/women who actually are addicted to alcohol. For the most part, I think they are using their Free Will and making bad decisions in their lives. I also feel that it is societies way of rationalizing other poor choices these people decide to make. I don’t know how many times I have heard on the secular media that “he had a car accident because he was drinking”!!! Get real!! I would also guess if you look at their other behaviors, you will find other areas that they are making poor decisions.

IMHO addict is used too often for behaviors that one does not want to accept responsibility for. What if I liked to speed, can I go before the Judge and say I’m addicted to speeding?

The words I changed are underlined. I also removed the last paragraph as the author impeached himself with his closing statements.

 

[yessisan]

It is so very sad how young boys are when they are introduced to that. My husband was only 13 when he started viewing porn, and he said it had gotten so bad, he’d call in sick to not go to work just to see it on the computer! At least I caught it in time and he was so ashamed I had found it, he somewhat stopped. I found it 3-4 times, but ever since the last time, he hasn’t seen it. The last time we talked about God and how He feels when his son (my dh) is watching those things.

Another thing… my uncle had 3 little boys, they’re 4, 6 and 9. These kids have seen porn and do it all the time. it’s been like this for at least 2 yrs and my uncle thinks it’s funny These boys already introduced my other 2 cousins (6 and 9), to it, but their mother caught the other 2 seeing this and she did the right thing, took them out of there right away.

This world is so conditioned to it, it thinks it’s ok. In fact, not too long ago, there was an article in the newspaper telling the story of the “porn king” who introduced the porn industry to S.F., and they talked about it as if this man was such a hero, and it was actually a tribute to him, of how great of a man he was, and how he’d be so missed

 

[yessisan]

Interesting post. Let’s dial the clock back about 40 years and change a couple of words. Remember, imagine, as you read this, it is 1968, long before stiffening of penalties.

The words I changed are underlined. I also removed the last paragraph as the author impeached himself with his closing statements.

Good way to put it rpp!!! People don’t think it;s an addiction, but when you live it in your own house, then you’ll see it’s an addiction. These people have to hide it when they know it’s wrong, but keep on doing it knowing there’s disapproval. I mean, to the point where it begins to ruin your life!! Look at what my husband used to do before we married, he’d call in sick to work!

When I caught it at home, it was on the days he didn’t have to go into work, and guess what? Nothing in the house would get done because he was watching that stuff… I do believe it’s an addiction. you don’t need a psychologist telling you it is, it just is!

 

[chevalier]

I think there is a certain amount of naivete and thinking “he will change” and also the cycle of “he promised to stop”.

Yup. Ever-recurring. Men fall for that too, by the way.

DH has good character and would never look at porn. People cannot live with differing character and there is no compromise. People with bad character don’t change.

They do… Most of the time supernaturally, I guess, but every confession is supernatural. Every instance of receiving the Eucharist is a supernatural experience. God works in us. People have changed. Look at Saint Paul before conversion, we don’t even need to look at modern day people. Granted, I’d rather it happened before I married someone than remained a possibility for the future.

This idea that “whatever is right for me is right and you can’t tell me it’s not” feeds into this problem.

Yup. Relativists can be great people and often great to get along with, but a relationship would be difficult.

The person who believes that porn is wrong is made to feel that they are in the wrong for demanding the other person *not *look at it.

Imposing our beliefs on others. Ourselves not being without flaws… It goes on. One thing is right: we have our own problems. It’s possible that we, as informed Christians, are more at fault for our problems than unbelievers may be for their porn addiction. However, no one has to put up with porn. In fact, I would not date a person addicted to porn or having some other disordered sexual preference, including premarital sex.

 

[ac23]

They do… Most of the time supernaturally, I guess, but every confession is supernatural. Every instance of receiving the Eucharist is a supernatural experience. God works in us. People have changed. Look at Saint Paul before conversion, we don’t even need to look at modern day people. Granted, I’d rather it happened before I married someone than remained a possibility for the future.

Yes we do, one day at a time, by His grace.

 

[hasikelee]

I don’t mean this to come off as insulting, but I see so many threads where a marriage is struggling because of a porn addiction on the part of the husband that pre-dates the marriage. The woman in question almost always knew that her husband had a very damaged sexuality and that he was currently and actively using porn before the marriage took place. Why on God’s green Earth would a woman purposely choose to marry into such a huge problem, and one that goes straight to the heart of the marriage?

Well, I personally don’t know. But I can guess at a few reasons from girls I know:

1. They were raised in a broken family, with a ******/absent dad, and are subconsciously picking ****** partners in a revolving circus of pain.
2. The man they chose was truly evil, and remained a perfect angel to her and everyone else until the marriage vows were said. He doesn’t have a mental illness; he’s just plain scary. No one believed her until she caught him on tape.
3. He was fine before marriage, and maybe early in marriage, but he had an onset of a mental illness and is now a different person. (Particularly common when people marry young, as a host of mental illnesses do have an onset of 20-something years old).
4. Like all bad habits or little sins, they grow. Perhaps during dating, he had a little porn attraction, was a little flirty with other girls, or had a masturbation slip. Now, several years into marriage, he has a full-blown addiction and it is causing serious health and emotional risks to everyone involved.
5. Before marriage/kids, she may not have cared about his little habits, but now she has had a spiritual reawakening and feels hurt and disgusted by his behavior. Or they had kids and his behavior is found out by young children (e.g. caught with porn).

 

[jman507]

Well your dealing with a lot of messy stuff here, and a lot of it comes down to a judgement call. You can say talk about it before marriage, then if the answer isn’t to your liking the question comes down to “then what?” If someone has the littlest problem do you just call everything off? If your looking for a flawless person, humans with orginal sin aren’t going to work. On the other hand, flaws can be a detriment to a relationship.

Part of the before marriage talk is that to a point your all ready at a point where your emotionally tied to a point. It may be too late to want to give it up. Also if the person things it will harm the chance for the marriage, you could have the person come out truthful which may actually be a plus, compared to if they lie about it.

Also problems are not static. Things can snowball and get much worse later, or the person may take a lot of effort and stop it. Perhaps even the new found responsibilites of a family may change some ideas and attitudes. On the other hand, what may not really be a problem before the marriage, can reach a breaking point with the stress of marriage and a family later on down the line.

I guess you try to make the best decisions in the fog of war err marriage. A lot of things come down to judgement calls because the information you have at the time is imperfect. What is a good thing to do in that case, is to try to figure out what possible pitfalls and problems are, learn how to deal with them, expect things won’t always go to plan, learn about each other before your marriage, and figure out what your values goals, and mission are of the marriage. Well any relationship in general; marriage just brings that intenisty to another level and then some.

 

[valient_Lucy]

How many women are aware of their husbands’ porn addiction before they marry them?

I suppose I, as a single woman, could ask a potential suitor, “How often to do use pornography?” But I highly doubt I would get an honest answer.

 

[whatevergirl]

That’s a good point lucy.

I have often wondered if someone is really into porn, if he/she exudes a certain type of outter behavior? What I mean, is I have read on here, for the husbands of posters who are addicted to porn, they tended to ignore their wives, belittled them, basically seemed to exude a character of not fully knowing how to treat women. So, I wonder if that trait would be noticeable, and thus, the porn problem would be a symptom of a much greater issue? Just wonder that.

 

[kage_ar]

How many women are aware of their husbands’ porn addiction before they marry them?

I suppose I, as a single woman, could ask a potential suitor, “How often to do use pornography?” But I highly doubt I would get an honest answer.

If you are dating someone where you doubt their honesty, that in and of itself is a red flag that would warn you NOT to marry this person.