Why would God allow this?

[Cielo300]

Greetings to all… It’s been a while since I have posted and I want to state that I am not seeking medical advice. I suffer from a mental disorder known as Schizo-Affective Disorder Depressive Type and have been under treatment for this disorder for several years. My purpose in this post is to seek spiritual answers as to why God would allow me to suffer from this mental disorder/illness?

This disorder for those who do not know causes one in relapses to suffer from symptoms of Schizophrenia (hallucinations, delusions, paranoid thoughts) & a mood disorder (severe depression). My post will be long…so I apologize. I am sincerely trying to find some answers, spiritual counsel and peace in posting this thread.

I can honestly say that 100% of my hallucinations, delusions and a little bit of paranoia that have been experienced by me were religious in nature…mainly about Catholicism.

In one of my periods of relapse for a span of two to three months I thought that I could communicate and hold conversations soul to soul with other devout Catholics. Obviously these conversations were in my mind because of my illness. But during this time no one at church knew this was happening to me. I was able to act normally to others outwardly.

For a good 2 1/2 years from 2017 to part of 2019 I was going to church (even weekdays), never missed mass and frequently went to confession. My main confessor is aware of my mental illness. But for the past 6 months I have not been able to pray & have lost faith in Jesus.

I know that deep down inside because of my relapse experiences it has shaken my faith in Christ and the Catholic faith. I question the religious experiences of the saints due to the fact that I have in my relapse experiences have heard the voice of God, thought I lost the Holy Spirit forever one time, thought I was possessed and even in my illness thought one time that I was being sodomized by dozens of demon spirits.

Deep down inside I believe that the experiences of the saints who heard voices like Joan of Arc and had apparitions were suffering from some form of psychosis. How would one explain my having periods of relapse where interiorly I was suffering with my symptoms but outwardly acted normal?

I am excuse the language…“spiritually f***ed”. I will never in my life be able to trust any spiritual experiences I may have my entire life. For the rest of my life i have to take meds to control my mental illness. Even if I were to follow another religion, it would be the same story. No amount of prayer time will allow me to progress spiritually. I could never trust any spiritual consolations sent to me by God or believe in that ‘still small voice’. Nothing…nada…zilch.

Right now… I live with some ladies from church and only go to church for a sense of community. I am an Atheist and don’t believe in Jesus, miracles etc I will never again receive communion due to how I feel. No one knows the hell it is to have no beliefs. No one knows the hell it is to have one’s religious experiences colored by mental illness.

Any responses would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Cuddles57]

I’m sorry that you have to suffer so much in this life. I really am. I understand your pain to a point and can sympathize with the outpouring of your spirit. I know the destruction that mental disorders can bring. I know what’s it like to be on one’s knees, begging for this cross to be taken away, only to be met with silence.
I, cannot give professional help, as I am not trained or educated in such matters enough to give a proficient diagnosis. I would hope you find your faith again, as you know, Christ’s love is unfathomable. I would advise, however to seek medical and psychological counseling to find peace of mind.

 

[Divine3]

Will pray for you. One path to help mental illness is to always seek ways to help others, it won’t cure the suffering but by helping others in small actions the focus goes on others instead of on self. Even types of manuel labor that is pointed towards creation. Sadly, if a person no longer believes in God…can’t add more to these thoughts except will pray for you.

 

[Cielo300]

I appreciate your post. Unfortunately, when I tried to explain my relapses with hallucinations, delusions etc that were religiously oriented to therapists. They were only rightly concerned with treating my symptoms and very matter of factly told me that they could only speak to me from a secular perspective. How am I to discuss spiritual matters related to my mental illness with secular therapists?

I wish that I could find a priest with a background in psychology to talk to but I am on disability so live on a limited income. Can’t even afford a car to drive long distance to see other priests. One online priest told me to see an exorcist for help, which was very disheartening to hear. I will never find peace with secular therapists, only treatment for my symptoms.

Thanks again for your post.

 

[Vico]

… No amount of prayer time will allow me to progress spiritually. …

Mortal sin is what prevents a person from salvation, and it is voluntary only. To maintain a state of sanctifying grace does not require your perception of God, only your charity to both God and man. Prayer is effective when a person gives it, it does not dependent upon a feeling of response from God (which you would doubt).

 

[Cielo300]

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[Cielo300]

I am aware that it is through faith, works of charity along with a strong prayer life whilst living in a state of grace that will help one progress spiritually.

Right now I can’t even pray due to total lack of faith. I would say my feelings go way beyond just having doubt.

Thanks for your post.

 

[Vico]

I am aware that it is through faith, works of charity along with a strong prayer life whilst living in a state of grace that will help one progress spiritually.

Right now I can’t even pray due to total lack of faith. I would say my feelings go way beyond just having doubt.

Thanks for your post.

You are welcome and I see a difficulty, however, remember that faith is a gift of God and one does not have to understand all to receive it. Logic can be impeded by delusions which implies that one can doubt a logical argument.