Why you will marry the wrong person (article)

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The fact that people dont recognize their own crazy is paramount…

The fact that people lie is a bigger factor :confused:

TBH I tried both romantic and practical love/marriage.

You need both, you need to know the flaws , the pitfalls and the ideas you have for practical living.

If one person lies and pretends you are both practically the same then you will find a romance only marriage with the pitfalls presented.

On to the directness of the article, there is a degree of misnomer. The writer assumes that all “reasonable” marriages were wrought with horror. There is no consideration toward percentages. Was there horror? I am sure. Is there horror now? Sure!

But was or is either more horror filled?

What about religion? Sure if two parties dont subscribe to the same we cant comment persay…

But being CAF to go with a properly ordered Catholic marriage, it would near not matter how/why marriage occured. If both parties did what is called there would be no problems… not really. That is the question in truth, if we do what God says how does that work?

If you could follow the great commandment and you could love your spouse. If you could love your spouse in the sense of that as Jesus said… the rest would fall into place. Details become unimportant. Etc…
 
Interesting.

One of my favorite quotes regarding marriage that I heard was “Expectations are premeditated resentment.”
 
FghtinIrshNvrDi said:
Interesting.

One of my favorite quotes regarding marriage that I heard was “Expectations are premeditated resentment.”
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Didymus had a similar funny take:
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didymus:
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as “motive”.
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It is odd to think of a realistic willingness to accommodate the foibles of other people as “pessimism.”

If you think it is an earth-shaking piece of pessimism to accept that other people aren’t put onto this earth to conform “perfectly” to your every fault and whim, you’re in for a long trip from cradle to grave.

This life isn’t about you. Your life isn’t even only about you. Those who don’t grasp that simple truth, a truth most of us easily see when it comes to everyone but ourselves, are going to go through marriage like a kayaker going through rapids sideways. There are better ways to make the trip, let’s just say that.
 
I read the whole article, and I am disappointed that it says nothing about love. That is tragic.
 
EasterJoy said:
It is odd to think of a realistic willingness to accommodate the foibles of other people as “pessimism.”

If you think it is an earth-shaking piece of pessimism to accept that other people aren’t put onto this earth to conform “perfectly” to your every fault and whim, you’re in for a long trip from cradle to grave.

This life isn’t about you. Your life isn’t even only about you. Those who don’t grasp that simple truth, a truth most of us easily see when it comes to everyone but ourselves, are going to go through marriage like a kayaker going through rapids sideways. There are better ways to make the trip, let’s just say that.
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Very good take-away synopsis of the article, EasterJoy. Actually, it seems to be pretty true to me after many years married to the same man. I would add that if one puts God FIRST in marriage, even before self, spouse, and offspring, many wonderful things are possible. But isn’t that what Jesus said so long ago?
 
My family has a very high divorce rate. You cant trust anything these days. You can marry a good Catholic girl/guy and 10-20 years later he/she has a mid life crisis and leaves you for another person. There are no guarantees in marriage. Just simple luck. I dont think God has control of it or if he does then he lets these things happen. For what reason I do not know.

Divorce and family dysfunction causes so much pain for all those involved. Ive seen so many lives ruined by divorce. The worst part is that its the innocent victims of divorce that come out the worst. Ive wondered often why a loving God would allow innocent lives to be ruined by divorce. The children of divorced parents never did anything wrong. Their only crime was being born into the wrong family. You cant control that. If I ever get to see God I will ask Him why it had to be this way? Why did there need to be so much pain and suffering?

Marriage is such a crapshoot that you are simply playing the odds. Maybe you will get lucky and hit the jackpot. Maybe you will be unhappily married but living two separate lives basically and never sleeping in the same bedroom together.

Women and men are both different now than ever before. Maturity at any age is hard to come by. Its amazing how much more mature at 15 year can be compared to a 55 year old. We created this situation by being too selfish and self centered. Marriage can only work with sacrifice and giving ones own self up for the greater good of the whole. Nobody is bigger than the combined team in marriage. There may be a leader and follower but once you get beyond that and one or both start thinking about only themselves and not the group, then the marriage is bound to fall apart or be very stale.

There also needs to be a sort of stubbornness and determination to never fail. That never say die attitude is vital to keeping a marriage together and strong. If you lose the drive and motivation to love your spouse and love your children then marriage will sadly fail. You can easily succeed when you are not driven to do something.

God needs to be at the center of a marriage. Without God, it makes everything even more difficult. God teaches us that we cannot do things alone. We always need outside help. If you stop praying, you stop remembering the bigger reasons behind why you came to be married and when you stop remember why and how you got that far is when you start to lose control of the marriage. Divorce easily follows when you lose sight of God.

I pray to God every day that I never get divorced if I ever get married. It makes me feel sick to think of all the painful memories of divorce in my life. I couldnt stand it if one of my kids or my wife went through a divorce. It is painful for everyone.
 
I thought the most interesting part was how it made sense even from a secular standpoint. Even without using God, the writer makes a good point.

That’s always how I figured marriage would be. Not idyllic, just realistic. Stuff happens. No one is perfect. If running off to find someone ‘better’ isn’t an option to begin with, maybe you’ll stay and work at it instead.

It’s a real risk that the cute oddities become annoying, true. But that means they were only cute because they were new. I guess that’s hard to quantify. There’s this thing called adaptation, though… How can two people remotely interested in the wellbeing of the other NOT try to mesh? I really don’t understand that. Somebody must be holding back, then. 🤷

Is it really so hard to communicate, or do people just not try? I probably err on the side of too much truth… Or at least, badly-timed truth. I think it’s better just to talk it out and get it over with… And I’ve experienced the truth of that before.
 
bmaj said:
Very good take-away synopsis of the article, EasterJoy. Actually, it seems to be pretty true to me after many years married to the same man. I would add that if one puts God FIRST in marriage, even before self, spouse, and offspring, many wonderful things are possible. But isn’t that what Jesus said so long ago?
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Yes, you have it exactly.

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
What profit is there for one to gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit himself?
(Luke 9:24-25)
 
Stephen_says said:
I read this article a few days ago, and I’d like to hear any of your thoughts on it.

nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0

I think some parts of it are brilliant and other parts not so much.
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It is dismissive of the idea that people marry for social status and material benefit, which is still common.

For most of recorded history, people married for logical sorts of reasons: because her parcel of land adjoined yours, his family had a flourishing business, her father was the magistrate in town, there was a castle to keep up, or both sets of parents subscribed to the same interpretation of a holy text. And from such reasonable marriages, there flowed loneliness, infidelity, abuse, hardness of heart and screams heard through the nursery doors. The marriage of reason was not, in hindsight, reasonable at all; it was often expedient, narrow-minded, snobbish and exploitative. That is why what has replaced it — the marriage of feeling — has largely been spared the need to account for itself.
 
Stephen_says said:
I read this article a few days ago, and I’d like to hear any of your thoughts on it.

nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0

I think some parts of it are brilliant and other parts not so much.
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I agree.

Personal view of marriage - trusting that one person - no matter how much you tick them off or they tick you off - will have your back. Simple as that.

It doesn’t matter if I bounced a check, broke his special mug, forgot to feed his pet, let his son where glitter shoes to school, and lost the tv remote (innocent, btw of all of these except the last) - but even if I did all that - in one day - he would STILL walk 3 miles in the rain to fix the car so I could drive to work and stay dry.

It doesn’t matter how insane his quirks drive me, I will immediately drop everything to be by his side at the hospital or drive 3 hours one way to deliver keys so he’s no longer locked out of his car…and I will do it (and have done so) without gripe or complaint, but only support and love and understanding.

We have each other’s back. Sure, there’s love and sex and kids and fun and romance nonsense in there. But at the heart of it - it’s pretty simple. One person you can rely on to help you through life in all it’s messy joys/sorrows/challenges/rewards.
 
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