Wicked stepmother

[1990Domer]

Clearly she has self-esteem issues. It always has to be about HER.

I don’t have any advice, but I have known a couple of people like this.
I’ll keep you in my prayers. This has to be a real drag.

Sadly, I would quite agree. Deceased MIL would do the same thing to us until she would visit and ask where such and such was that she bought DS. In my case, I would give her ideas and sizes for clothes, and she would still buy him things was too small (her 3 sons are over 6’3", so buying big is never an issue). But she would come up with too small clothes and items she insisted DS needed to have from them (well, his autism diagnosis threw a money wrench into the system, as he was sensitive to noise and the feel of clothes.

Since some of the items are personalized, she is in a weird competition with you to be the star of the event. This is so sad, as she cannot love the gathering itself.

Just one more question Allegra. Does she have her own grandkids she does this too? I really feel for you.

As Xantippe posted, I believe, take the items to Good Will or Salvation Army or maybe a child’s consignment shop, if they exist. If you donate them, hopefully you can a tax deduction for nearly full value of item. If not, you would be warming the heard of some children that may otherwise never get a toy like this.

 

[1990Domer]

1. That’s a whole other thread, but let’s just say, that it’s a debatable point.
2. I don’t live with her now. We were just visiting. I’ve actually never lived with her. If she doesn’t get her finances in order though, they may be moving into my basement!
3. Gifts aren’t always genuine and children really shouldn’t be the subjects of someone’s compulsive behaviors if it can be avoided.

Oh my…this is a tough pattern. Are you and DH prepared to have them live with you is she spontaneously spends money as such? Perhaps you and DH can take dad to a Catholic Chariities worker. Of at least you and dad. How does DH view the issue?

 

[Trident_H]

I’ve got a step-mother who is just not quite right. There’s no better way to put it as I’m not aware of a clinical term that describes her precisely. (I’ve heard a lot of less clinical terms used however.) Most people would just call her “weird”.

She has no concept of social boundaries. For example, she seems to think that every stranger she encounters needs to know that my sister had a pap smear today or the whole epic tale of when my brother passed a kidney stone. She memorizes the minute details of the everyday lives of every one she encounters, even when she’ll never see the person again. Even so, it never seems like she’s listening to you when you talk to her because she’s always talking about something else.

Anyway, one of her more irritating quirks is that she’s a compulsive copycat and this has manifested itself recently into every gift-giving occasion. For example, my mother made my niece an Easter dress a few years back, So, despite the fact that Easter was only being celebrated once that particular year, she decided to buy a second Easter dress for my niece.

When my daughter was born, someone gave us a huge play piano. During Christmas, my stepmother started telling us how much our girl loved music and needed a play piano. We both quickly told her that we already had one and we hated it because it was too noisy, too bulky, and we didn’t have space to keep it. Sure enough, Christmas day found a play piano under the tree. We pointed out again that we already had one and she smiled and said, “Well this one was on sale at Costco so now she can have two!” (For when other infants come over and want to play duets?) We discretely asked my dad for the receipt and returned it.

Over the summer, my daughter was spending a lot more time outdoors and getting a lot more physical and so I sought out the perfect ride-on toy. I posted a photo on facebook of my girl, proudly riding her new toy, which my step-mother “liked”. She liked it so much that two months later, she arrived with a new ride-on toy for my daughter’s birthday. I reminder her that I had just bought her one and she smiled and said, “Well, now she can have two and besides, this one has Elsa on it!” She had already taken it ought of the box so we couldn’t return it that time.

So, this Christmas, I had a brand new baby…

I’m really sorry. I know this is out of line. But at this point in the story I just couldn’t help it. I mean I just thought that here you were going to tell us a story of how your SMIL showed up with another one. I mean another baby. So now you could have two.

Peace Allegra. I don’t have really good advice here. I’d just make a deal to split the return money with your dad. Since this is going to be an ongoing treat for you. Think of it as a second source of income. Or something.

I guess.

-Trident

Either that or just start getting into the habit of getting half of everything.

 

[Boccherini]

Has she always been like this? If she hasn’t, it’s possible that she has a neurological illness, even a form of dementia (possible even if her memory seems intact).
It’s unlikely but has to be kept in mind.

 

[Dorothy]

I lived your life once (MIL has since passed). Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…and as my husband used to say, “The only thing she’s going to know about us is how tall our grass is.”

Have pity on her, as there is some element of cognition when is lacking. Try to be compassionate but know to never discuss anything other than neutral topics (if you want to speak to her at all). Aside from trying to 1-up everyone who gives a gift, are there other troubles? God bless. Be assured of my prayers.

Domer, I agree with your mention of the word compassionate, and it inspired me to write this:

Allegra,

With the grace of God, and practice, one can be compassionate. Then you, Allegra, can look past the weirdness and see an unhappy soul. The advice others have given about not mentioning things about family members is very good.

Your stepmother’s problem of perception is trying, and can be used to draw you closer to the Lord.

Peace,

Dorothy

 

[Memaw]

Allegra,

I think the ride-on toy is talking to you!

Let it goooooo…to Goodwill.

I would give the extra gifts to St. Vincent de Paul. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Neofight]

There are plenty of us who wish, whether it is quirkiness or mental illness, was all the issues we had to deal with in our families.

Love her and pray for her, and enjoy every minute with her.

My mom had a few issues (maybe more than a few, but often we make bigger things out of them then they are), but since her passing last January, I have wished every day I was putting up with any of her behaviors, rather than grieving her loss.

Peace and all good!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t really think it’s my dad’s job to make her stop. He isn’t her father. However, he could take a more active role in the gift choosing. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he is now fully aware that this is happening and that it bothers me. He doesn’t want to be in conflict with me any more than anyone else, so I suspect he may start doing that. I’m not depending on it, but there’s always hope!

I guess I was coming from a different perspective. I was under the impression you only associated with your step mom so you could have your dad in your life (not sure where I got that idea). But, if you feel this is more for you to deal directly with your step mom, I respect that (and even admire it )

 

[1990Domer]

There are plenty of us who wish, whether it is quirkiness or mental illness, was all the issues we had to deal with in our families.

Love her and pray for her, and enjoy every minute with her.

My mom had a few issues (maybe more than a few, but often we make bigger things out of them then they are), but since her passing last January, I have wished every day I was putting up with any of her behaviors, rather than grieving her loss.

Peace and all good!

Respectfully submitted, we don’t know the true extent of what the OP is going through. Obviously, her dad and SMIL are having some type of financial hardship, as she mentioned that they may need to move into her basement. Mental illnesses can often be more draining than physical illnesses.

Today is the one year anniversary of the loss of my MIL. Due to her toxicity, we had to form strong boundaries to the extent that we were only able to communicate with her by written word. If DH tried to call her out on something that she said that was hurtful (and trust me, she said and did many a hurtful thing to our family), she responded with vitriol. I also have toxic family members that I am dealing with in order to protect DS from unhealthy behaviors.

DH and I have actually feel peace that MIL is free from her earthly shackles. Sure, we grieved her loss, chuckle at fonder memories, and thank her profusely for remembering our son in her estate (sadly, she ignored him in life), which DH did not learn until her funeral. So, I just want to offer a different perspective.

 

[LongingSoul]

There are plenty of us who wish, whether it is quirkiness or mental illness, was all the issues we had to deal with in our families.

Love her and pray for her, and enjoy every minute with her.

My mom had a few issues (maybe more than a few, but often we make bigger things out of them then they are), but since her passing last January, I have wished every day I was putting up with any of her behaviors, rather than grieving her loss.

Peace and all good!

I agree with you, Neofight. Someones death puts things in so much greater perspective. You remember their good things and the happy times.

It can also be cause to look at ourselves and our own irritating habits that others find difficult to handle about us which we often fail at in life.

Rest in Peace for your dear Mother.

 

[1990Domer]

I agree with you, Neofight. Someones death puts things in so much greater perspective. You remember their good things and the happy times.

It can also be cause to look at ourselves and our own irritating habits that others find difficult to handle about us which we often fail at in life.

Rest in Peace for your dear Mother.

Sadly, in life, my MIL made life Hades for my family (we have a special needs son who could not show her the affection she craved, so she ignored him in life). We did not know how to react to the trust fund she left him, but DH donated the inheritance she left him. Death put closure on a very painful life for my DH. In some families, there aren’t many happy times to remember. As I mentioned, just another perspective.

 

[Allegra]

In your family SMIL seems like she is begging for some sort of attention. This is very, very sad, as there does not have to be and competition. Does she do this only with children’s gifts or to all members of the family–you, DH, dad, anyone else?

The copycat thing is relatively new, but she has a history of getting gifts for people that they have flat out told her they don’t want. But she’s sure that her gift is such a great idea that they’ll change their mind once they get them. When I lived in a studio apartment, she was insistent that I needed a microwave. She all but demanded that I let her take me to Walmart to buy one, despite the fact that I kept telling her that there wasn’t room on my tiny kitchenette for a microwave and I’d gotten a toaster over for that purpose because it actually fit the space. My dad actually had to step in because she was relentless.

Approaching Christmas, she kept telling me how much I was going to LOVE the gift she got me because it was something I really needed for my apartment. I kept reiterating that my kitchenette was the size of a coat closet and I already had bought a toaster over. She kept smiling and telling me how much I was going to love my gift. I just knew she’d gotten me that stupid microwave.

Then on Christmas, my present turned out to be a very long, flat box. I was pleasantly relieved. There was no way it was a microwave. Finally it came to be my turn to unwrap and I was ecstatic. I honestly didn’t care if the box contained the most ridiculously inappropriate present in the world, at least it wasn’t a microwave! For once, my stepmother had actually listened to me and taken my point of view into consideration!

I tore away the wrapping paper to reveal…a microwave stand. And there was my step-mother pulling the microwave out of the closet with a big bow on it. She had removed it from the box so I couldn’t return it.

 

[Allegra]

Oh my…this is a tough pattern. Are you and DH prepared to have them live with you is she spontaneously spends money as such? Perhaps you and DH can take dad to a Catholic Chariities worker. Of at least you and dad. How does DH view the issue?

We most certainly are not. I’m not sure what’s going to happen if it comes to that. My husband’s view is to not dwell on the possibility, the way one avoids thinking things like, “What if our house burns down or our place of employment is washed away in a flood?”

 

[Allegra]

Just one more question Allegra. Does she have her own grandkids she does this too? I really feel for you.

As Xantippe posted, I believe, take the items to Good Will or Salvation Army or maybe a child’s consignment shop, if they exist. If you donate them, hopefully you can a tax deduction for nearly full value of item. If not, you would be warming the heard of some children that may otherwise never get a toy like this.

The only grandkids they have are my children, and my sister’s child. My step-mother has two biological children, but both are significantly mentally ill and are unlikely to have children in the immediate future.

 

[Allegra]

I’m really sorry. I know this is out of line. But at this point in the story I just couldn’t help it. I mean I just thought that here you were going to tell us a story of how your SMIL showed up with another one. I mean another baby. So now you could have two.

Peace Allegra. I don’t have really good advice here. I’d just make a deal to split the return money with your dad. Since this is going to be an ongoing treat for you. Think of it as a second source of income. Or something.

I guess.

-Trident

Either that or just start getting into the habit of getting half of everything.

Well, I could use another baby. I don’t need another train though, or another light up seahorse toy.

 

[Allegra]

Has she always been like this? If she hasn’t, it’s possible that she has a neurological illness, even a form of dementia (possible even if her memory seems intact).
It’s unlikely but has to be kept in mind.

She has always been weird and she’s always been a copycat. Many of her friends have complained of it and she sometimes drives my mother nuts with it. For example, my mom will tell her that she’s going out to eat at a certain restaurant, and when they get there, my step-mother is there. My mom will buy a certain kind of clothing or necklace, and my stepmother will get the same thing. My mom will take the grandkids to see Santa and put the picture on facebook and the next day, my stepmother will do the same. My mother will mention that she likes lavender and my stepmother will buy two of anything she sees that’s scented lavender. One for my mom and one for her.

 

[Allegra]

I guess I was coming from a different perspective. I was under the impression you only associated with your step mom so you could have your dad in your life (not sure where I got that idea). But, if you feel this is more for you to deal directly with your step mom, I respect that (and even admire it )

Not at all. She’s been with my dad since I was nine.

 

[EasterJoy]

The only grandkids they have are my children, and my sister’s child. My step-mother has two biological children, but both are significantly mentally ill and are unlikely to have children in the immediate future.

“When ‘Granny’ gets you something you already have, you get to choose which one you keep and which one we give away to someone who has none.”

“No, dear. The kids at preschool probably haven’t heard of that rule. Some day, you’ll understand why.”

 

[Allegra]

Respectfully submitted, we don’t know the true extent of what the OP is going through. Obviously, her dad and SMIL are having some type of financial hardship, as she mentioned that they may need to move into her basement. Mental illnesses can often be more draining than physical illnesses.

Today is the one year anniversary of the loss of my MIL. Due to her toxicity, we had to form strong boundaries to the extent that we were only able to communicate with her by written word. If DH tried to call her out on something that she said that was hurtful (and trust me, she said and did many a hurtful thing to our family), she responded with vitriol. I also have toxic family members that I am dealing with in order to protect DS from unhealthy behaviors.

DH and I have actually feel peace that MIL is free from her earthly shackles. Sure, we grieved her loss, chuckle at fonder memories, and thank her profusely for remembering our son in her estate (sadly, she ignored him in life), which DH did not learn until her funeral. So, I just want to offer a different perspective.

I think my position is somewhere on the spectrum between the extremes of “she’d-be-better-off-resting-in-peace” and “I’ll-put-up-with-anything-because-who-knows-how-long-she’ll-be-around”.

 

[MSSheBear]

In my unprofessional opinion it sounds like she is a narcissist with some brain damage. Everything is about her and she doesn’t realize she annoying people. My expertise is warding off unwanted clothing gifts not children’s toys. Trust me with two train sets your son should be a very popular playdate.

Have you considered telling her that you are getting something like the ultimate Barbie Condo for your daughter and then not actually buying it?