Wicked stepmother

[LongingSoul]

In my unprofessional opinion it sounds like she is a narcissist with some brain damage. Everything is about her and she doesn’t realize she annoying people.

No professional opinion here either mind you :tiphat: … but she sounds too scatty and detached to be a narcissist. There’s obviously a social deficiency going on like perhaps aspy or autistic spectrum… but she sounds almost guileless and desperate to please. Narcs. are more subtlety sinister than that.

 

[1990Domer]

No professional opinion here either mind you :tiphat: … but she sounds too scatty and detached to be a narcissist. There’s obviously a social deficiency going on like perhaps aspy or autistic spectrum… but she sounds almost guileless and desperate to please. Narcs. are more subtlety sinister than that.

I think a spectrum issue is going down the wrong path. I’m married to an Aspie, have an Aspie kid and know tons of spectrum kids. This woman presents as self-absorbed and immature. Narcs run the spectrum as well. MIL was not as bright as my sister. Both are/were self-absorbed. Sister was more sinister because she was much smarter. Deceased MIL was described by my DH as “dim” and “batty.”

OP, if you want to PM me, I can tell you how we handled the issue. I rather not air it on the board.

 

[1990Domer]

The other “troubles” are mostly minor annoyances and inconveniences. Fortunately, her weirdness is generally pretty predictable. This one threw me for a loop though.

My FIL kept my MIL’s um, weird habits and blunt remarks, in check. However, when he died, she became horribly toxic. You see, my FIL would defend her actions, no matter how wrong or hurtful they were. FIL was never on the side of right but on the side of MIL. So, MIL never got pushback until FIL died. When she did, it got ugly in the same way you described, Allegra.

 

[Allegra]

As a teacher, I’ve had lots of experience with different disorders and diagnosis and I’ve never heard of a label that matches my step-mother. She’s obsessed with being helpful, but she doesn’t even pretend to hide that it’s all for attention. She’s crippled her children and siblings by trying to do everything for them, whether they want her to or not. My stepsister is a grown woman and lives two states away, but my stepmother insists that she give her her work schedule each week so that she can call and remind her to wake up in time to get there. Whenever she takes her mother to a doctor’s appt. she lets everyone know via facebook so people she doesn’t know can affirm what a good daughter she is. I’ve suspected a sort of munchausen by proxy.

She’s wildly inappropriate about bodily functions, disorders, womens health and hygiene, and sexual issues. I don’t think she has the insight to be effective as a narcissist, but she is definitely self-absorbed.

On one hand, she pardon a druglord if he struck up a conversation with her, but she’s ridiculously unforgiving toward food service workers. Nothing is ever good enough in a restaurant and she’s always trying to get the manager to give her something for free. She’s obnoxious in hospitals as well and always tells the staff either that she’s a nurse (she isn’t, she’s a CNA) or that she’s worked in healthcare for years and she knows how things should be done.

I don’t know what she has, but if it hasn’t been diagnosed yet, I’m not holding my breath.

 

[heidi_storage]

Ah, well, you don’t really need a diagnosis; just appropriate boundary enforcement. In your spot, I suspect we would have been returning gifts unopened, before the kiddos had a chance to see them, and insisting that no more be given. We probably would have limited contact, too, depending on how things went.

 

[1990Domer]

Allegra,

I guess “high-maintenance” can be a bit of an understatement. Wow. I feel for you, your dad and your family. You have my prayers!

 

[alphawoman]

I think she’d just pick stuff she already knew I’d gotten, like in the case of the ride-on toy. She had seen my girl riding it around our house. Besides, I don’t know how to do that without conniving. That’s pretty conniving.

Photoshop. Paste your daughter into scenes from cities your like to visit or with toys she’d like and share on FB with only your SMIL. Don’t expect anything out of it, other than as a joke for yourself.

Seriously, she sounds like she has problems.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Could it be that your step-mother is trying to fit in? How long have she and your dad been married?

 

[mommy_k]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You can’t beat a dead horse though.

So make this a non-issue. Ignore it–give her zero attention for doing this. She will stop or she may not. Let her knock herself out, but remove yourself and be happy.

Its the best thing not to get entangled with changing the odd behavior of others and try to reason with them, or beat them at their game. You will be the one stressed out-as you already experienced.

 

[pianistclare]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You can’t beat a dead horse though.

So make this a non-issue. Ignore it–give her zero attention for doing this. She will stop or she may not. Let her knock herself out, but remove yourself and be happy.

Its the best thing not to get entangled with changing the odd behavior of others and try to reason with them, or beat them at their game. You will be the one stressed out-as you already experienced.

This is true.
I had a boss like that. Former co-workers and I spent months debating what could it be, how could she do this that or another, and she blissfully went along doing exact same thing for YEARS. Still is, actually. Never a clue that everyone else thought she was a nut job and a horrible person.
We finally decided that it’s not worth the effort to spend time thinking it through if the person has no idea they are wrong, awkward or just plain crazy. They’re happily unaware, and we were the crazy ones.

 

[EasterJoy]

As a teacher, I’ve had lots of experience with different disorders and diagnosis and I’ve never heard of a label that matches my step-mother. She’s obsessed with being helpful, but she doesn’t even pretend to hide that it’s all for attention. She’s crippled her children and siblings by trying to do everything for them, whether they want her to or not. My stepsister is a grown woman and lives two states away, but my stepmother insists that she give her her work schedule each week so that she can call and remind her to wake up in time to get there. Whenever she takes her mother to a doctor’s appt. she lets everyone know via facebook so people she doesn’t know can affirm what a good daughter she is. I’ve suspected a sort of munchausen by proxy.

She’s wildly inappropriate about bodily functions, disorders, womens health and hygiene, and sexual issues. I don’t think she has the insight to be effective as a narcissist, but she is definitely self-absorbed.

On one hand, she pardon a druglord if he struck up a conversation with her, but she’s ridiculously unforgiving toward food service workers. Nothing is ever good enough in a restaurant and she’s always trying to get the manager to give her something for free. She’s obnoxious in hospitals as well and always tells the staff either that she’s a nurse (she isn’t, she’s a CNA) or that she’s worked in healthcare for years and she knows how things should be done.

I don’t know what she has, but if it hasn’t been diagnosed yet, I’m not holding my breath.

The good thing is that you don’t need to diagnose her. You just need to look down the road and accept that you will have to have a few responses to behaviors you’ll get from her that are different than what other people get from their mothers and stepmothers.

She’s “different.” You’re getting a pretty good handle on her differences. I would suggest you use the imagination you have developed as an educator to help the group cope with her differences in the most effective way you can think of, a way that is as generous as you can be to all involved (rather than just to your stepmother or any other single party).

Sometimes, the solution is a family in-joke. Sometimes, it is a severe restriction in contact. Most of the time, it is somewhere in-between.

People who live in very small towns have to do this as a matter of course. You can’t control your neighbors, you know they’re going to be your neighbors until you both grow old and one of you sees the other out into the parish cemetery. Do your best to a) keep your own fences and your own sanity and your own grace, b) mind your own business and c) give those around you some stories to tell fondly. Inject a gentle sense of humor whenever you can fit it in. It will make these holidays far easier to look back on.

Hang in there. Again: Look at it at time off of Purgatory. If you can learn to cope with her serenely, you’ll probably be fit to cope serenely with just about anybody. If that is not what Heaven is all about, what is?

 

[Allegra]

Could it be that your step-mother is trying to fit in? How long have she and your dad been married?

14 years.

 

[slh3016]

She has always been weird and she’s always been a copycat. Many of her friends have complained of it and she sometimes drives my mother nuts with it. For example, my mom will tell her that she’s going out to eat at a certain restaurant, and when they get there, my step-mother is there. My mom will buy a certain kind of clothing or necklace, and my stepmother will get the same thing. My mom will take the grandkids to see Santa and put the picture on facebook and the next day, my stepmother will do the same. My mother will mention that she likes lavender and my stepmother will buy two of anything she sees that’s scented lavender. One for my mom and one for her.

Am I the only one who thinks that it’s a little weird for your mom and your step-mom to have such frequent communication with each other?

I mean, I guess that’s great if they get along but usually the ex-spouses don’t care to be around the new spouses

I’d definitely say some self-esteem issues were going on with her. So sorry you have to deal with this!

 

[Allegra]

Photoshop. Paste your daughter into scenes from cities your like to visit or with toys she’d like and share on FB with only your SMIL. Don’t expect anything out of it, other than as a joke for yourself.

Seriously, she sounds like she has problems.

I could collaborate with my mother and have her put on facebook that she’s planning on taking our whole family on an all expense paid Hawaiian cruise! Then she’ll want to take us to Hawaii too!

 

[Allegra]

Am I the only one who thinks that it’s a little weird for your mom and your step-mom to have such frequent communication with each other?

I mean, I guess that’s great if they get along but usually the ex-spouses don’t care to be around the new spouses

I’d definitely say some self-esteem issues were going on with her. So sorry you have to deal with this!

My mother doesn’t have any reason to not want to be around my stepmother. She wasn’t around when my mother was messing up her marriage. They’re fairly good friends. They go out drinking on most Monday nights.

 

[EasterJoy]

Am I the only one who thinks that it’s a little weird for your mom and your step-mom to have such frequent communication with each other?

I mean, I guess that’s great if they get along but usually the ex-spouses don’t care to be around the new spouses

I’d definitely say some self-esteem issues were going on with her. So sorry you have to deal with this!

When you’ve gone through parenting children together and learned how to navigate that, of course you are often going to have a relationship. If it goes beyond merely negotiation a truce and establishing a no man’s land, so much the better.

This step-mother is so “different” that I wouldn’t go out on a limb to venture about why. It’s like having a house that has the light switches in nonsensical places. You just learn where the switches are, which ones work, which ones don’t. You don’t drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what on earth got into the electricians. It is an attack on your serenity that accomplishes nothing.

 

[slh3016]

My mother doesn’t have any reason to not want to be around my stepmother. She wasn’t around when my mother was messing up her marriage. They’re fairly good friends. They go out drinking on most Monday nights.

Wow, that’s interesting! My grandparents divorced when my mother was 7 and both remarried. Life was hell for my mother growing up because of the animosity between all the parties. When my mom’s older sister was ill and died about 15 years ago, my grandparents were able to finally be in the same room with each other.

I think that’s great if they can get along, especially for your sake, but that type of relationship is not seen often. Kudos to them both for even trying to be amicable

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

14 years.

Maybe your step-mother doesn’t feel like she fits in, even after 14 years of being married to your dad. Have you spoken to your dad about this? Sorry if that has already been answered. I haven’t read all of the responses.

I also think that she could have self-esteem/confidence issues, as some have suggested.