Widow or Single?--Widow ettiquette

[river4jesus]

I have many questions on young widow ettiquette.

I have trouble when asked if I’m married or single. I am widowed. I feel awkward answering married, single or widowed. My husband passed away last December.

What is the healthy amount of time to mourn?

I continue to wear my wedding ring. People ask why?

Is it wrong to talk to a loved one who passed away?

Don’t know what to answer when people ask me if I plan to remarry.

Others give advice not to ever remarry for the sake of my children.

I think I’m doing fine spiritually and emotionally. I’m at peace.

 

[Salonika]

First my sympathy on your husband’s death and also for some of the questions you seem to be being asked. I wonder if some of the people who ask you them would do so if they realised how personal some of them are.

Think what you say will depend who asks you eg how close they are to you and how close you are to them. I think it’s up to you to decide how much, if anything, you will say. What you say may also depend on how you are feeling on a particular day or where you are talking.

Comments on three of the questions:

How long to mourn? - as long as necessary for you. How long to remember your husband? Forever.

Continue to wear your wedding ring? Why wouldn’t you? You may no longer have your husband with you but you still have his ring.

Do you plan to remarry? My first thoughts on that were “how can you ask me so soon?” or “’how would you answer that question if you things were the other way round.” Think my problem with suggestions comes from the fact that I would never ask someone that, it’s just not my business.

 

[1ke]

I have many questions on young widow ettiquette.

I have trouble when asked if I’m married or single. I am widowed. I feel awkward answering married, single or widowed. My husband passed away last December.

I am sorry to hear that your husband passed away. I would answer “widowed” if it were me, even if that was not presented as a choice.

What is the healthy amount of time to mourn?

Everyone is different. There’s no “right” amount of time. You will heal at your own pace.

I continue to wear my wedding ring. People ask why?

You wear your ring as long as you desire. If people are so rude as to ask you why, then reply “that’s not your concern”.

Is it wrong to talk to a loved one who passed away?

No. You do whatever you feel called to do in the grieving process. I’m sure this brings you comfort.

Don’t know what to answer when people ask me if I plan to remarry.

“I don’t answer personal question such as those. Please kindly do not ask me again.” OR

“How rude! Do you always ask such inappropriate questions?”

Others give advice not to ever remarry for the sake of my children.

“That’s none of your concern” OR

“Do you always give unsolicited and unwanted adivce?”

I think I’m doing fine spiritually and emotionally. I’m at peace.

Then you keep doing what you are doing, and just play the broken record when people are rude and nosy, “Thank you for your comments, that subject is not open for discussion.”

 

[puzzleannie]

in etiquette you are a widow until you marry again. the answer to the M or S question, if it is someone with a right to know like the social security office, is widowed. for someone who has no right to know, a sniff and a dab of a hankie at the tear at corner of your eye is sufficient.

You mourn as long as you mourn. There is no rule. Nobody can tell you get over it, move on with your life, that is insensitive and unrealistic. What that advice usually means is either “I don’t know how to comfort you so wish I didn’t have to try, I feel so inadequate” or it means “you are putting a damper on my life, and my grief over the man is over so yours should be too”. Both are insensitive and focus on their feelings and needs, not yours.

What a shame if it was easy to stop mourning a good man and good marriage on a set time schedule. Grief goes through stages, like any process of growth, and can’t be rushed. praying for you.

 

[Just_wondering]

I have many questions on young widow ettiquette.

I have trouble when asked if I’m married or single. I am widowed. I feel awkward answering married, single or widowed. My husband passed away last December.

My sympathies. My brother was widowed at 26 years old. People had no idea how to treat him, because young widows and widowers are not as common as married, single, and divorced people at that age. My brother chose to answer questions like that with, “my wife passed away last February” - that stopped the questioners in their tracks. A closed expression on the face as he was saying it helped as well.

What is the healthy amount of time to mourn?

You can mourn for as long or as short a time as you need to. My brother remarried two years after he was widowed - many people were scandalized, but it was the right time for him. He still mourns his late wife, but is comforted by his new wife. I don’t think anybody has the right to judge how you choose to mourn.

I continue to wear my wedding ring. People ask why?

Gosh, how to answer? “Because I choose to.” “In memory of him.” “It brings me comfort.” “Because he gave it to me.” “Because it helps me remember all the wonderful times we had together.” Of all these, my favourite is “Because I choose to.” You don’t need any more reason than that.

Is it wrong to talk to a loved one who passed away?

We talk to saints. Why not talk to a loved one who has passed away?

Don’t know what to answer when people ask me if I plan to remarry.

Others give advice not to ever remarry for the sake of my children.

I think I’m doing fine spiritually and emotionally. I’m at peace.

I don’t know how to answer that. The other posters have mentioned telling questioners not to ask. That works. If you’re uncomfortable doing that, these are some answers that worked for my brother: “I’ll make that decision when the time comes.” “It’s much too soon to think about that.” “I don’t know what God has in store for my life.” “Right now I’m just focusing on healing. That kind of decision will come later.” “I’m sure whatever happens, God will guide me in choosing what’s best for me and the children.”

I can’t believe how nosy some people have been to you! I hope you have an equal number of supportive and kind friends who are looking out for your best interests in this time of struggle. Prayers are with you.

 

[Conservative]

I’m not married but believe it’s a very personal thing - and entirely up to you! The questions you’re being asked must be common ones to widows who may not be out at singles events six months later.

Those who ask why you’re still wearing your ring, in my opinion, are treading on unwelcome ground. Plain English, it’s none of their business. Marriage, and the loss of a loved one - and the length of the grieving period - is individually unique and personal to each. You apparently loved your husband very much or you wouldn’t still be wearing his ring.
My heartfelt condolences on your loss - and don’t worry about the “right” answer for others. The right answers - are in your heart.

 

[beckyann2597]

My sympathies. My brother was widowed at 26 years old. People had no idea how to treat him, because young widows and widowers are not as common as married, single, and divorced people at that age. My brother chose to answer questions like that with, “my wife passed away last February” - that stopped the questioners in their tracks. A closed expression on the face as he was saying it helped as well.

You can mourn for as long or as short a time as you need to. My brother remarried two years after he was widowed - many people were scandalized, but it was the right time for him. He still mourns his late wife, but is comforted by his new wife. I don’t think anybody has the right to judge how you choose to mourn.

Gosh, how to answer? “Because I choose to.” “In memory of him.” “It brings me comfort.” “Because he gave it to me.” “Because it helps me remember all the wonderful times we had together.” Of all these, my favourite is “Because I choose to.” You don’t need any more reason than that.

We talk to saints. Why not talk to a loved one who has passed away?

I don’t know how to answer that. The other posters have mentioned telling questioners not to ask. That works. If you’re uncomfortable doing that, these are some answers that worked for my brother: “I’ll make that decision when the time comes.” “It’s much too soon to think about that.” “I don’t know what God has in store for my life.” “Right now I’m just focusing on healing. That kind of decision will come later.” “I’m sure whatever happens, God will guide me in choosing what’s best for me and the children.”

I can’t believe how nosy some people have been to you! I hope you have an equal number of supportive and kind friends who are looking out for your best interests in this time of struggle. Prayers are with you.

All of this posters replies are kind and to the point. I would choose any of these replies.

My sympathies for your loss. People can be very nosey and rude! I am sorry that some people feel they can ask such personal and probing questions!

 

[Newbie2]

What is the healthy amount of time to mourn? However long you feel comfortable.

I continue to wear my wedding ring. People ask why? If you get to a point to where you may want to consider remarrying, you might want to take it off or wear it on your other hand. But like the first question, wear it as long as you feel comfortable doing so.

Is it wrong to talk to a loved one who passed away? dittos to previous posters

Don’t know what to answer when people ask me if I plan to remarry. Seriously, a that’s a good answer: “I don’t really know how to answer that”.

Others give advice not to ever remarry for the sake of my children That advice seems rather presumptious. Again, you should do what you deem appropriate; you’re their “parents” now.

 

[LindaS]

I was widowed at the age of 28 with a 3 year old and an 11 month old (many years ago). I faced some of the same questions & comments you have had, including my deceased husband’s brother who told me (before the funeral) that it would be OK if I married again! It’s amazing that people believe they have the right to say such things. I didn’t have a problem telling people that I was widowed. They were usually so shocked that they shut up! I did remarry after about 8 years, but I didn’t ask anyone’s permission. I did what I believed was the best for myself & my children. We had a small wedding, and my children escorted me down the aisle and stood with us during the vows, then all 4 of us recessed back down the aisle together. Do what you think is the best for you. You and your children are the important ones here, not the nosy people. Walk with God.

Peace,
Linda