Widowed--what to do?

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Hi all,

I’m looking for some inspiration, guidance, etc. I lost my beloved fiance last year, and I am just beginning to face the rest of my life without him. For so many years, we were together, and we made so many plans… So this is a really confusing time for me, and more than a little scary.

Even my marital status is confusing to me. Technically, I’m single because I was never married. But my experience has been so vastly different from any other singles… or people my age in general—I feel like the oldest 29-year-old on Earth! I have the grey hairs to show for it, too. sigh I generally consider myself a widow “of sorts.” The fact is that the ONLY reason I’m not married right now is that my beloved died.

So, my question is: does the Church offer any advice, encouragement, and/or support to people in my situation or the widowed in general? Are there any saints I could turn to for special guidance?

I know everyone is different, and I will mostly have to just let my life and my destiny unfurl as I go along. But I could certainly use all the help I can get! 😉

I have, of course, sought help from support groups and grief counseling at my church. My confessors and counselor always give me good advice. Most of it has been with the grief process… while grief never completely ends, I am definitely at a new stage. Looking ahead, finding my future again.

Anyway, just thought I’d ask! Thanks a lot! 🙂
 
I am so sorry you have lost your fiance. Although it must be very hard, please know that peace and joy will return. Keep praying.

I just heard on Friday’s Catholic Answers radio an author who wrote about the widowed saints. It sounded very interesting and brought a real human spin to their lives. Most did not take the loss of their spouses with grace, dignity and resolve, but reacted as most of us “saint-wannabes” would (e.g., anger, intense sadness, uncontrolled crying, etc.)! You might find reading that helpful. The book was called A Walk with the Widowed Saints by Ronda Chervin. Here’s the link on Catholic Answers: shop.catholic.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.exe/online-store/scstore/p-B0212.html?E+scstore

Hope this helps. My prayers to you, as I’m sure many of us will be in your shoes one day. Then you can give us help and guidance!
 
Hi Dawn,
I’m sorry for your loss…I was a young widow (not as young as you) and am now re-married… I sought help in a support group as well.
Time heals all…you will never forget your loved one… life is for the living… God has a plan for you…just trust in Him.🙂

Here is a link to a Saint w/ whom you might want to ask intercession:
Elizabeth Ann Seton
 
Thank you farmbabe1 and Annunciata, for your heartening messages. It truly means a lot! :yup:

farmbabe, thank you for telling me about that book! It sounds like a wonderful resource. It certainly does help to realize that even saints can’t always gracefully accept their losses. It gives the rest of us hope! :getholy: 😃 Also, thank you for your uncommon empathy in acknowledging that experiences like mine is something bound to be shared by many of us… people don’t like to even think about that, much less say it. In their fear, they turn from those who grieve. But even if they do, I intend to be there for people and share in their burden in any way possible. I certainly pray that I may! :gopray:

Annunciata, thank you for sharing your story too–it also gives me great hope! It makes me so happy when I meet people who have been blessed with a second chance at marriage–and have taken that chance! 🙂 I hope I may also be blessed with that chance… my greatest personal goals are to be a wife and mother. I’m not sure if that’s what the Lord has in store for me or not, but whatever He wishes, I have no doubt that all will turn out well for me! Despite some uncertainty, I am also extremely excited about what may come next in my life! :bounce: Thank you for telling me about St. Elizabeth Ann Seton… I do know her name, and I will enjoy learning more about her.

Thanks again! :tiphat:
 
Jesus is the man of scripture who was acquainted with sorrow and afllicted with grief.

Grieving is normal. I haven’t read the book myself, but E.K.Ross has a book that deals with death and dying. That’s not a Catholic book, but it may offer some help.

My grand uncle re-married at age 73 (and he outlived his second wife, too).

they sell stuff in bottles for gray hair. Sad as it is (and will be so for the rest of your life), that part of your life is over. God has given you a new beginning. Perhaps that beginning is something that you are afraid of. I know the feeling (in general, certainly not as intensely as you mourn at this time).

Part of your feeling may be that you never wanted to have to face a day like today. In the garden (of life and beauty) Jesus was in agony. He wanted that ‘cup’ to pass. But, he accepted it “for the joy that lay before him.”

May I offer my faith to you, that God is very close to you and wants you to be close to Him. In the book of Job we read about a man who lost almost all his family and his fortune. He said, if we accept the good from God, should we not also accept the bad? The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

By God’s grace your fiance is in a better place. Why not accept that and move on, when you are ready? Give your burden to God and let Him carry it. Make that decision now. It’s the right one.

Read the first chapter of the book of Ruth. (better, read the whole thing.)

I did some geneology research on my family. thank God it was rather easy to go back at least 100 years. This was all new to me just a couple months ago. My grandfather married for the first time when he was 17. His first wife developed tuberculosis and died five years later, leaving two young girls. His mother passed away the next year. He remarried and it so happened that his first child died in childbirth. But, I discovered if he hadn’t kept living his life, I would never have been born. (I could never have made up this story.)

Keep your eyes open. There is probably someone out there just waiting for you, who needs you. Don’t forget that.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. You might draw close to Mother Mary? She lost both her son and in all likelihood, her husband, rather early. She knows all too well the suffering and grief that comes with losing someone dearly loved.

When you are ready, you might also petition St. Raphael, patron saint of ‘happy meetings’ to ask him to guide you in your vocational call to marriage. Perhaps he will help enable you a ‘happy meeting’ which will result in a second time of the happiness you once experienced.

Here is a link to all the Catholic saints who patron widows. There are some very interesting stories so I hope you check it out! 🙂
catholic-forum.com/saints/pst00769.htm
 
Crumpy and Abby, both of you have given me good reminders that life goes on, and I appreciate it very much! 🙂

Crumpy, thank you for your encouragement, advice, and reading recommendations. I have been doing tons of reading during my grief… I have found it very comforting and helpful. 🙂

Abby, thank you for the list of saints. Very good stories about some amazing women! It’s funny you should mention St. Raphael. After my fiance’s death, I bought a Bible, and one of the first things I opened it to was The Book of Tobit! It was very inspiring, in addition to just being a great story. Since then, I’ve been talking with St. Raphael a lot! 🙂 I know our beloved Heavenly Mother has been helping me too.

Thank you both!
 
Unexpected Dawn:
Hi all,

I’m looking for some inspiration, guidance, etc. I lost my beloved fiance last year, and I am just beginning to face the rest of my life without him. For so many years, we were together, and we made so many plans… So this is a really confusing time for me, and more than a little scary.

Even my marital status is confusing to me. Technically, I’m single because I was never married. But my experience has been so vastly different from any other singles… or people my age in general—I feel like the oldest 29-year-old on Earth! I have the grey hairs to show for it, too. sigh I generally consider myself a widow “of sorts.” The fact is that the ONLY reason I’m not married right now is that my beloved died.

So, my question is: does the Church offer any advice, encouragement, and/or support to people in my situation or the widowed in general? Are there any saints I could turn to for special guidance?

I know everyone is different, and I will mostly have to just let my life and my destiny unfurl as I go along. But I could certainly use all the help I can get! 😉

I have, of course, sought help from support groups and grief counseling at my church. My confessors and counselor always give me good advice. Most of it has been with the grief process… while grief never completely ends, I am definitely at a new stage. Looking ahead, finding my future again.

Anyway, just thought I’d ask! Thanks a lot! 🙂
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Hi Dawn,
I lost my boyfriend , Con, to cancer when we were both 23. At the time I couldn’t believe it and felt that I would never have a life again. I thought I had my life all planned out: marriage, house in the suburbs, work till the first child arrived, at least 4 kids etc. The shock when I realized that this was not going to happen (at least with Con) was enoumous. I spent ages trying to get over it. It took me a full 3 years before I understood that though Con would always be part of life, that part was now in the past and it was time to move on and start again.
Well, life did continue, I met my future husband when I was 28 and we got married when I was 31. What I learned from all of this is that God always has a plan even though we may not see it at the time.
Have faith, don’t give up, and pray. Time does help ease the pain. I prayed to Our Lady. She had more than enough sorrow in her own life and could certainly understand a broken heart.

Gearoidin
 
Unexpected Dawn:
Hi all,

I’m looking for some inspiration, guidance, etc. I lost my beloved fiance last year, and I am just beginning to face the rest of my life without him. For so many years, we were together, and we made so many plans… So this is a really confusing time for me, and more than a little scary.
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Hi Dawn,

I know this must be a very difficult and scary time. I can certainly relate. I lost my beloved husband just 12 days before Christmas. We had been married for 41 years and it isn’t easy trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

But I do know God will provide. I am taking my time to grieve, but also celebrate all the wonderful graces God has given to me and to my Beloved.

I shall pray for you,

God Bless you,
MaggieO
 
I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my husband after only four months of marriage - but we had been together for three years. I understand how you feel - I felt sometimes like I hadn’t even been married! I lost our child the same day I lost him, and the grief was incredible.

You are in my heart and my prayers.
 
Unexpected Dawn:
Hi all,

I’m looking for some inspiration, guidance, etc. I lost my beloved fiance last year, and I am just beginning to face the rest of my life without him. For so many years, we were together, and we made so many plans… So this is a really confusing time for me, and more than a little scary.

Even my marital status is confusing to me. Technically, I’m single because I was never married. But my experience has been so vastly different from any other singles… or people my age in general—I feel like the oldest 29-year-old on Earth! I have the grey hairs to show for it, too. sigh I generally consider myself a widow “of sorts.” The fact is that the ONLY reason I’m not married right now is that my beloved died.
I am so sorry for your loss! I was widowed almost 4 years ago–we were married almost 27 years. (I am somewhat
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older than you, but for a widow, I think I am just a kid! --I was 49 when my husband died–we had three chidlren at home, and one recently married with a new born son!)

I think in some respects you have the issue of an *ambivalent status–*you aren’t really a widow in the sense that you were married and lost your beloved, yet, you had that commitment which, for all intents and purposes, is very similar to the marital commitment.

From what I have heard, read, and experienced, the end of the first year/the beginning of the second year after the loss really starts the grieving process. I know that for the first year, I was absolutely numb–I am sure that the only way I made it through was by prayer–the prayers of others! I found it hard to focus on much of anything!

The utter shock that you have lost someone so young is hard to comprehend. Give yourself time and space to gradually assimilate yourself to the ‘post loss’ you. Keep your heart and soul open to where the good Lord leads you! And, HE will lead you where HE wants you.

One of my prayers for myself has been to be content with whatever the Lord has in store for me–be it the single life or married. The advantage that you have that I certainly don’t have because of my age and the fact I still have a minor child at home is that you also have the religious life open to you too.

But, regardless, you need to give yourself time to work through the issues. I didn’t go to support groups–I did personal counseling for over three years–that helped enormously.

Losing someone that close (i.e., a life partner) is unlike any other experience. Even though I had seen my Mom lose my Dad, and my sister and brother each lost their spouses, it’s NOT the same until you go through it yourself. Be patient with yourself–this is a time to grow spiritually–believe it or not!! You will have your good days and your bad days. Even after three 1/2 years for me, I still have some moments where the pain seems so fresh.

I am reminded of this wonderful quote that was in the SOUND OF MUSIC: Where the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

Take it one day at a time…do something nice for yourself–go on a retreat, for example. I had the opportunity to sing with a chorus a few months after my husband died. We sang Bach’s REQUIEM. It was the most cathartic experience I ever had! When we performed it, I made sure i was standing in the back (where the audience couldn’t see me) because I figured singing it would trigger tears. It did! I wept through en entire movement! And that felt GREAT!

God Bless you!! God never gives us burdens with the grace to bear them.

:gopray:
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Gearoidin, Maggie, Lisa K., and Petite:

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, but it helps to know I’m not alone. Each of you is such an inspiration! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, your wisdom, and your faith. 🙂

Petite, I also sing in a choir, and last semester, we sang Daniel Pinkham’s Wedding Cantata. At first, I thought it was going to make me miserable, and I was going to hate it. But actually, it is based on the Song of Songs, and is not so much about earthly, mortal marriage, as about the divine, eternal, powerful nature of love. It actually expressed exactly what I felt in my heart, and what I believed about the love between my fiance and me (as well as the love between God and all of us) and so I “dedicated” my performance to my fiance. I still cried, but it was a happy cry! 🙂

And on my fiance’s birthday last month, there was a performance of Mozarts Mass in C Minor, which he wrote in memory of his marriage to Constanze. I felt it was very appropriate. It was a breathtaking concert! And it was performed in my own church. 🙂
 
I just got this prayer from my dad, and thought I would share it… very simple, but it makes me feel better. 🙂

Give me, O LORD, a contented spirit
that I may not look too far in the future
or long too much for days gone by;
but fill me this moment with a thankful spirit
that I may love those who are near at hand
and cherish the blessings of this day.
Amen.
 
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