Wife accuses me of cheating

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Adamski

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I am completely confused how to think when about every 3 months randomly my wife will accuse me of having an affair. I have Never been unfaithful I live in 100% with catholic teaching even if I had an in pure thought I would go to confession before receiving communion. Today I got home from work early and my wife was still gone I went to a neighbors not thinking to bring my phone to talk about pheasant hunting. When she gets home with the kids she blows up saying she doesn’t know where I am and I could be having am affair. The last time she accused me it was because I bring extra clothes to work because I own a landscape company and sometimes am covered with mud and need to change on a very rainy day which is common in Seattle
I due notice that these accusations usually follow when she meets with her father who lives a life riddled with unapologetic mortal sin.
It really hurts my feelings
 
It’s not much consolation to say that although you are the person being assaulted with these accusations, it isn’t really about you, but about her.
It concerns her insecurity, and as you comment that her attacks are related to visits with her father, then it is possibly due to the less than healthy childhood that she may have endured. She may have trust issues relating to her father in childhood, and these are projected upon you after a visit with him. It is difficult to overcome childhood scars, and not to project those upon people in adulthood, especially when freshly reminded by contact with her Dad…

I guess you have to protect yourself the best you can from choices that may trigger her insecurity, eg maybe you were better advised to remain at home rather than go to the neighbors soon after she has visited her father, or made sure to take the phone so that your wife doesn’t have time to brood and begin to doubt you when she can’t raise you on the phone.
Alternately, you could have left her a not or sent a text to her phone. Instead, you gave her time to worry about where you were, and what kicked in with her may have been what could be expected if her Dad disappeared without explanation or a means of contact.

I know this was only one instance, but you may need to be particularly careful of your wife’s peace of mind. Explain carefully, and if you need to take clothes in, *involve her in the decision *whether you should have a set in at work. Even if you were having an affair, there is no need for an extra set of clothes! However your wife appears to be scarred regarding trust, and you may need to take extra care. of appearances.

My prayers for your wife and you.

Warm regards,
Trishie
 
I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife. Tell her that you’re not cheating on her and that you love her and that it hurts you when she accuses you of doing something you didn’t do. If she doesn’t listen it might be time to talk with a priest and/or marriage counselor.
 
you definitely need to have a discussion about it with her. this is definitely trust and insecurity issues. and maybe you just need to be extra vigilant in your daily activities for the time being. i’m she there is something that is triggering these feelings for her. you need to ask her what it is i thik so that it can sorted out. praying for you
 
It really hurts my feelings
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Keep offering it up Adamski, and keep loving your wife and family unconditionally like you have been. You I am sure, have been a great Catholic Christian witness in your community.

I’ll keep you folks in my prayers and keep up the good work.
 
everywhere you are going to go you just need to tell her. even if you have to call her up and tell her
 
I strongly suggest that you make an appointment with one of your parish priests and explain what the problem you are having with your wife, just as you have on this site. As the priest to give you an appointment for him to mediate between the two of you. If the priest cannot do this for you, get a referral to a Catholic Marriage Counselor. There are very few places in the US that doesn’t have one or two!
If your wife refuses to go, then it is up to you to lay down the law. Let her know in no uncertain terms how insulting her behavior is to you…especially where she accepts her fathers behavior and then takes it out on you.
I tell you this because it is only a matter of time before you get really fed up and there is a rupture of your marriage. I don’t think you will have an affair, but you are likely to tell her to go to h**l at which point you better get a lawyer.
 
Adamski said:
I am completely confused how to think when about every 3 months randomly my wife will accuse me of having an affair. I have Never been unfaithful I live in 100% with catholic teaching even if I had an in pure thought I would go to confession before receiving communion. Today I got home from work early and my wife was still gone I went to a neighbors not thinking to bring my phone to talk about pheasant hunting. When she gets home with the kids she blows up saying she doesn’t know where I am and I could be having am affair. The last time she accused me it was because I bring extra clothes to work because I own a landscape company and sometimes am covered with mud and need to change on a very rainy day which is common in Seattle
I due notice that these accusations usually follow when she meets with her father who lives a life riddled with unapologetic mortal sin.
It really hurts my feelings
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I wonder if she saw her father cheat on her mother? Maybe this is a trigger.
 
I’ve heard about Seattle and the rain! It’s so famous for that! I remember watching “Sleepless in Seattle”, and they were using umbrellas all the time! So, I can see the point. Didn’t “Twilight” also take place nearby, under a constant state of cloud cover?

Anyay, have you ever told her that you’ve noticed that she seems to get upset and read into things right after visiting with her father? Have you ever communicated to her the connection?

It must hurt, when one’s faithful, to be falsely accused, to tell the truth, and not be believed . It’s also a trust issue.

Marriage is about 3 things…trust, love, and respect. With this, one of the 3 is weak. So, no wonder you’re upset! That would be normal under these circumstances! How terribly frustrating!

Well, this is probably some form of psychological defense mechanism run amok.

We have all kinds…displacement, projection… Again, psychologists would probably consider it a kind of “defense mechanism” problem. I’m not exactly sure which mechanism.

Well, the mind is a really funny thing. Have you ever been angry with a supervisor and taken it out, say, on someone else? That’s “displacement”.

If we are thinking of cheating and accuse a spouse of cheating, it’s called “projection”.

What you’re experiencing here seems like…you say…that she sees her father…and is …transferrring it to you. I haven’t studied this in some time. I forget. They might call that, “Transference”. I think that’s right. It’s been decades. Yes, you diagnosed it probably correctly yourself! Right!

Yes, you could very well be quite right that she’s been, unconsciously, transferring this from her father…to you, even though it’s not logical and not your fault!

What to do about it if it is…not sure. Probably just making the person aware that she’s transferring might be helpful. Usually, defense mechanisms operate at a subsconscious level. She probably isn’t even aware she’s even doing this, actually. It’s below the level of our conscious awareness. What you could try, if you haven’t already, is…very gently and compassionately, let her know that you have noticed that when she has had interactions with her father, it seems to spill over into her life with you.

I don’t believe she’s doing this to be mean. I think she is just transferring it onto you, as you said. I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I think you could be onto something here.

Anyway, hope that bringing this all from the subconscious to the conscious level might be helpful. Worth a shot. Any kind of confrontation needs to be done GENTLY. In fact, that’s key, or it can end up worse. Good luck!

I’ll close with a prayer!

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

:angel1:
 
George_Stegmeir said:
If your wife refuses to go, then it is up to you to lay down the law. Let her know in no uncertain terms how insulting her behavior is to you…especially where she accepts her fathers behavior and then takes it out on you.
I tell you this because it is only a matter of time before you get really fed up and there is a rupture of your marriage. I don’t think you will have an affair, but you are likely to tell her to go to h**l at which point you better get a lawyer.
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Let’s be gentle, please. There’s no indication in the OP’s post that says he will tell her to go to h**l. It’s very hard to be accused of cheating, but what needs to be done is to get to the root of the problem and lovingly try to resolve it, not drive the two people further and further away from each other.

As a person who has a lot of unresolved issues from growing up around my parents’ dysfunctional marriage, I know firsthand how difficult it is to let go of things that are so ingrained in your mind. If the OP’s wife is indeed acting out of subconscious anguish from seeing her dad cheat on her mom, she needs understanding and compassion from her husband, not “laying down the law” or being threatened with calling lawyers. That will get both of them and their marriage nowhere fast.
 
Maybe she’s so preoccupied with the demands of raising a family that she’s feeling out of touch with you. Have you tried date nights or just regularly scheduling time for just the two of you to reconnect?
 
ClearWater said:
Anyay, have you ever told her that you’ve noticed that she seems to get upset and read into things right after visiting with her father? Have you ever communicated to her the connection?
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That’s an excellent idea. There’s undoubtedly a connection, but she may very well not realize it. You need to raise this gently, so you don’t seem to be attacking her father, but you do need to raise it.
 
Could this also be related to your criticisms of her regarding her religion, as you posted about in your other thread? If she’s convinced you don’t think she’s a good enough wife, she could be very well concerned that you’ve found someone else who fits your idea of what a good enough wife would be.
 
I say this as gently as possible, and this may NOT be the case, but I have seen instances where the spouse who is doing the accusing is actually the one having an affair. They do so because they are filled with insecurities and sometimes guilt, and often as a way of hiding their affair by putting you on the defensive.

I do not know this to be the case, I am just saying that possibilty exists. I pray that you both seek counseling because obviously something is not right. I wish you the very best.
 
pensmama87 said:
Could this also be related to your criticisms of her regarding her religion, as you posted about in your other thread? If she’s convinced you don’t think she’s a good enough wife, she could be very well concerned that you’ve found someone else who fits your idea of what a good enough wife would be.
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This was my thought, too.
Trust, love, respect. A good marriage has all three. He doesn’t have respect for his wife, by the OP’s own admission in his earlier thread. And his wife doesn’t trust him, as he stated in this thread. This is fixable, but unfortunately for the OP, her lack of trust for him may have quite a lot to do with his lack of respect for her.
Adamski, I think some serious soul-searching is in order for you, personally. Followed by some heart-to-heart talks with your wife. It sounds like she feels vulnerable and is fearful that you have already left her in your heart, even if you remain faithful to your vows. Prove to her that is not the case. Treat her with respect. Love her. Talk to her. Get counseling if you need it. But whatever you do, don’t blame her and demand an immediate demonstration of trust from her. Trust, once lost, takes a while to rebuild. But these problems can be overcome! Do not lose hope. God bless you and your marriage! Saying a prayer for you.:gopray2:
 
mommamaree said:
This was my thought, too.
Trust, love, respect. A good marriage has all three. He doesn’t have respect for his wife, by the OP’s own admission in his earlier thread. And his wife doesn’t trust him, as he stated in this thread. This is fixable, but unfortunately for the OP, her lack of trust for him may have quite a lot to do with his lack of respect for her.
Adamski, I think some serious soul-searching is in order for you, personally. Followed by some heart-to-heart talks with your wife. It sounds like she feels vulnerable and is fearful that you have already left her in your heart, even if you remain faithful to your vows. Prove to her that is not the case. Treat her with respect. Love her. Talk to her. Get counseling if you need it. But whatever you do, don’t blame her and demand an immediate demonstration of trust from her. Trust, once lost, takes a while to rebuild. But these problems can be overcome! Do not lose hope. God bless you and your marriage! Saying a prayer for you.:gopray2:
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Excellent advice. You need to be gentle with your wife, she is bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh. Love her and treat her as such. Building up your own respect, love and concern for her, will help her do the same. The date night - or even simply regular quiet time in the evenings after the kids are in bed - is a great way to help strengthen your marriage.

As an aside, a person who is extremely disabled, while they certainly can behave morally, should also be excused some because of the difficulties they are already facing. We all have a hard enough time behaving as we should when we are healthy and strong.
 
Sounded also like your wife was feeling unsure of your love for her. I liked the idea of dating. Why not, especially after she goes for a visit to her father, the two of you make a point to spend more time together as a couple. This might help diminish her fears a bit. She might just need some form of reassurance. Show her in no uncertain terms that you love her.

You could even say something like “You know…I LOVE you and would never be unfaithful to you! Is there any way I can show you how I love you? Do you want us to spend more time together? Would you like us to make love more often? Would you like me to give you gifts? Would you like me to tell you more often how I care, love you, and what you mean to me? Would you like me to court you? Please, tell me what I can do!”
 
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