Wife and Catholicism, advice?

[millstreet]

Hi.

This is my first time here and I’m hoping you all have some perspectives you can share. I’ll try and fail to keep this short.

I’m a returning Catholic, about a year ago after maybe five years away. My wife is not Catholic, is not actually baptized anything, believes in God but isn’t really talkative about what else. I went back because over a short period of time, I just felt like it was right. I cannot explain that. I couldn’t even explain it to her - not when I went back, and not even now - other than it never really leaves you, it’s dormant and maybe it was like “activated” or something. I just don’t know, but I feel at home again.

We have a baby and she agreed we should have her baptized. My issue is that my wife isn’t just disinterested in Catholicism, she’s downright hostile to it, even though she knows very little about it. She doesn’t think anyone who wasn’t born into it is ever welcomed. I have tried to explain otherwise, I’ve bought her Waking Up Catholic (short read, good book), I’ve tried just showing by example because it has changed my life for the better. But she won’t read the book, refuses to discuss it in any meaningful way, and seemingly doesn’t connect (or like?) changes in me.

I know she is scared of my becoming a “Jesus Freak” (her term) as she had a friend who did a 180 from raving liberal to full evangelical, she doesn’t get that. And I think she would also be uncomfortable - she would say embarrassed if she addressed this - to explain to her family that she goes to church. And, it goes against her liberal sensibilities, which I think are a “pride mark” more than anything else, because if you really engage her about issues she’s a lot more “conservative” than she’d like to admit.

Anyway, it’s not that I want her to convert, but understand me and what her child will be taught. I don’t know what to do, if anything. It’s becoming a barrier.

Thanks.

 

[pensmama87]

The best advice I can offer you is prayer for your wife, and to be kind to her.

I can relate a bit to your wife’s feelings. I was that “raving liberal who did a complete 180.” It did shock a lot of family and friends and unfortunately there were lost relationships. Your wife is completely right that admitting that being a churchgoer may affect her standing in completely secular circles. Do I think it’s right that her standing matters to her that much? No, but consider what your wife grew up with. If she grew up without faith, without the sense that not only is there is something outside of herself, but that something is so important that it should influence how she lives her life, then this is very scary, new territory for her. Christians live a life that seems absolutely bizarre to people who aren’t in it. We do look weird. We do get made fun of. In some places and times we get killed for it. We don’t believe we’ll have it “easy” until (and unless) we make it to heaven. Easy in the here and now is very appealing. Even after I formally converted, I still lived very much a secular lifestyle for many years, and I notice I still have that tendency now. My conversations in the confessional are very much about how I want things my way in my time and how I don’t want to have to suffer for it. It’s a habit brought on by original sin that won’t be shaken until after death, but I will keep trying.

You and I are lucky that we have the Church to help us. Right now, your wife doesn’t realize that God and the Church are there - really, truly, there - to help her. So continue to pray for her, that her heart can be opened to God’s love and grace. When she personally says hurtful things, call her on it, because even if she disagrees with it it is wrong for her to insult you or something that means so much to you. Respect that her journey is her journey. She may come further than you think.

 

[tawny]

Hi.

This is my first time here and I’m hoping you all have some perspectives you can share. I’ll try and fail to keep this short.

I’m a returning Catholic, about a year ago after maybe five years away. My wife is not Catholic, is not actually baptized anything, believes in God but isn’t really talkative about what else. I went back because over a short period of time, I just felt like it was right. I cannot explain that. I couldn’t even explain it to her - not when I went back, and not even now - other than it never really leaves you, it’s dormant and maybe it was like “activated” or something. I just don’t know, but I feel at home again.

We have a baby and she agreed we should have her baptized. My issue is that my wife isn’t just disinterested in Catholicism, she’s downright hostile to it, even though she knows very little about it. She doesn’t think anyone who wasn’t born into it is ever welcomed. I have tried to explain otherwise, I’ve bought her Waking Up Catholic (short read, good book), I’ve tried just showing by example because it has changed my life for the better. But she won’t read the book, refuses to discuss it in any meaningful way, and seemingly doesn’t connect (or like?) changes in me.

I know she is scared of my becoming a “Jesus Freak” (her term) as she had a friend who did a 180 from raving liberal to full evangelical, she doesn’t get that. And I think she would also be uncomfortable - she would say embarrassed if she addressed this - to explain to her family that she goes to church. And, it goes against her liberal sensibilities, which I think are a “pride mark” more than anything else, because if you really engage her about issues she’s a lot more “conservative” than she’d like to admit.

Anyway, it’s not that I want her to convert, but understand me and what her child will be taught. I don’t know what to do, if anything. It’s becoming a barrier.

Thanks.

Praying for you & your wife.

 

[DarkLight]

As someone with much more liberal tendencies than many, I would also try to make it clear how Catholicism is not Evangelicalism. For example, many of the Evangelicals I knew had the attitude that poor people were, by and large, that way because they were lazy. Or that no good Christian could have homosexual desires.

Don’t waver on church teaching, but you might also consider getting involved in some more common ground type church activities - doing something that she sees as positive.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Your wife will form her opinions on Catholicism based on the Catholics that she knows. You will have a great influence on that. YOU are the book about Catholicism that she’s reading. Let her experience your love and kindness. Be patient. Be a better husband and father. Pray for her daily.

 

[zz912]

Your wife will form her opinions on Catholicism based on the Catholics that she knows. You will have a great influence on that. YOU are the book about Catholicism that she’s reading. Let her experience your love and kindness. Be patient. Be a better husband and father. Pray for her daily.

Bingo. I’m in a similar boat to the OP. It is a frustrating, exhaustive, and arduous process of living out the Catholic faith, being a good Catholic example, and to be the loving Catholic husband.

 

[millstreet]

I would also discuss with her and find out indeed if she doesn’t like the “changes” in you.

I should say that in many ways they are internal to me, although I have finally come to terms with the idea that it’s okay to have opinions I’ve held for a long time but was afraid to admit even to myself because I assumed, as an educated person, I should be a liberal. I know this drives her crazy because she’s not ready to make the same conclusion even though she often says things which are contradictory to her liberal “decal”.

In any case, all I need to do is mention God now, even the same as I would have before, and she files that away as evidence that I’m becoming “radical”. I’m not trying to stuff anything down her throat, I realize this has to be a personal thing for her. And as I said, while it would be great, I don’t necessarily think her conversion is the only palatable outcome. I just want her to understand my beliefs before slamming the Church’s principles (and I, hers), as I think she has a lot of false impressions. But we can’t even get close to that discussion.

Lastly I agree in principle about demonstrating the good by being a good Catholic. However, I would ask how exactly I get her to connect things she likes better with re-engaging my faith.

Thanks!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I just want her to understand my beliefs before slamming the Church’s principles (and I, hers), as I think she has a lot of false impressions. But we can’t even get close to that discussion.

Lastly I agree in principle about demonstrating the good by being a good Catholic. However, I would ask how exactly I get her to connect things she likes better with re-engaging my faith.

Thanks!

Not yet. Hopefully you will get to that point after a while. It seems like things are fresh and she is still recovering from your announcement.

I have a non-believing husband. While we were dating I was a so-called cafeteria Catholic. Shortly after we married I experienced a deeper conversion and have grown in my faith. He has never had issues with me being religious but me being orthodox and devout was something else. It took him a few years to accept it, although I can still see on occasion that it bothers him because my faith puts obstacles to his secular way of life.

I have found that arguing about faith never works. It only pushed him further away. Talking about it, even if it is about my personal experience that I want to share puts him off, so I avoid that as well. Everything that can be used against me is used against me (“I can’t believe that a Christian would say/do/think something like that.”), and that is a very painful thing. But we must bear it and offer it up, and do our thing and be loving. It took my husband some time to see that living my faith made me more calm and confident and responsible. I think your wife will realise that your faith changes you for the better, but it may take time. This is hard for her and it could be that she is in denial about what is happening.

Keep praying and don’t give up on living your faith, no matter what the obstacles are.

 

[Margaret22]

It took him a few years to accept it, although I can still see on occasion that it bothers him because my faith puts obstacles to his secular way of life.

I am in the same boat here with my husband. When we were on a recent weekend vacation of sorts, he was concerned that attending one Mass would cut too much into the kids’ water park time. AARRGH! What can we do but keep praying and becoming more joyfully Catholic?

 

[phillylawyer]

Lastly I agree in principle about demonstrating the good by being a good Catholic. However, I would ask how exactly I get her to connect things she likes better with re-engaging my faith.

Thanks!

If she sees you becoming a more caring and loving husband and father and looking out for her needs more, and this happens “coincidentally” at the same time as you becoming more interested in her faith, she will put two and two together.

As others have said, at this point, telling her why you believe in the Catholic Church (unless she asks) or defending certain teachings probably won’t make a different right now.

What is the best way to share your Catholic faith with your wife? Get a babysitter for your child and take her out on a romantic date. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is and don’t explicitly mention Catholicism or the Catholic church once.

Does this mean that if you are the perfect husband (which noone ever will be, of course), that she will eventually become Catholic? Nope. No guarantees. But, it is definitely the best way to share your faith.

Blessing to you and your family. Cheers!

 

[Kindness]

It’s absolutely true that being a loving and devoted husband and father will be the best witness you can give of the faith. Give her plenty of time, it sounds like you changed and that wasn’t what she initially “signed-up” for. Find some fun and faithful Catholic couples that you can socialize with. Having some great Catholic friends who she can share lots in common with will hopefully help her feel less fearful. People usually come to God through personal relationships so holy friendship is a very powerful and dynamic witness.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

This is a great way to get to know your wife better, have empathy for your wife, and heal your wife’s wounds. It will not happen overnight, in a week, or probably not in the year or decades to follow. People who are hostile usually feel abused. It sounds as if being obedient is abusive to her. It could be something as simple as a fight she had with her parents about vacuuming that started this streak of disobedience (for example). Using the same example, she may feel threatened with any type of obedience because of this thing in the past. You get to play doctor, explore her past, and help her find healthy ways of coping with situations like obedience. There are other things like family. Basically, religion is about, “who’s your family?”. Catholics (christain’s, Jewish, and Islam) have God the Father as their family. Buddhists & Hindu’s follow their family lineage for honor and pride. So, here again, you get to explore how your wife has relations with her parents, grandparents, and siblings. Further, you get to introduce the God you know and love to your wife and your baby.

 

[Pax2u]

Your wife will form her opinions on Catholicism based on the Catholics that she knows. You will have a great influence on that. YOU are the book about Catholicism that she’s reading. Let her experience your love and kindness. Be patient. Be a better husband and father. Pray for her daily.

This is good advice. Your wife is probably afraid you are going to pressure her into things she doesn’t want/isn’t ready for. Don’t press it. Just be a good person, go to Mass, pray, do spiritual reading, set a good example. Show her a lot of love and support. You will be evangelizing her without words!

 

[lynnanine]

Your wife will form her opinions on Catholicism based on the Catholics that she knows. You will have a great influence on that. YOU are the book about Catholicism that she’s reading. Let her experience your love and kindness. Be patient. Be a better husband and father. Pray for her daily.

I agree. Have you read Rome Sweet Home? Scott Hahn was in a situation where he was coming to Catholicism but his wife was not interested. I agree with posters that are advising you to continue being a loving husband.

 

[phillylawyer]

I agree. Have you read Rome Sweet Home? Scott Hahn was in a situation where he was coming to Catholicism but his wife was not interested. I agree with posters that are advising you to continue being a loving husband.

These stories are great, and I agree with all the other posters that being a loving husband is the best way to show her the beauty of the Catholic faith.

However, I do want to caution that, there is no “guarantee.” No matter how loving and wonderful you are, she very well never become Catholic. If you go in with the attitude that “I will love her into the Church,” you may be disappointed. God has given us all free will to do our best to follow God, and she may never become convinced that becoming Catholic is where God is leading her.

 

[millstreet]

Thank you, everyone. I am on board with being a better, more loving husband and a kind, gentle, and patient father. It is not always easy for me, well it is not always easy to display is what I mean, because I have a knack for saying things that don’t come out quite right (I am also trying to adopt “speak slowly” and “listen loudly” into my repertoire). But it is easier as my heart is changing and I hope it will become who I am, not something I have to try for all of the time. Not that I will never have to try, but hopefully you see my point.

I am not confirmed and recently talked to my priest about this. He gave me two options, go to the one-hour class the church has or go through the full-blown RCIA. I mentioned this to my wife and said, “you know, I’m thinking about going to do the full RCIA and if you’d be interested, I’d love to do it with you”. Her response was quite positive. In some ways I know she feels like she’ll never be a “part of it” because she didn’t grow up Catholic, but learning about the faith with someone else seems to at least interest her. I’m encouraged.

To whoever made the point about giving someone a book and that it emphasizes “we are different”, that is a great point and I had not thought of it that way at all. Thank you for pointing this out.

Lastly someone said don’t be disappointed, basically, if she never becomes Catholic. I’d be okay with that, as long as she understands what it is and what it teaches before she comes to a conclusion. I realize God will lead her where He leads her. I pray he guides her to the Church as he guided me to return, but I’m realistic too. Thanks.

 

[pwilaws]

I’ve been through something similar. I was a nominal Catholic when my wife and I got married, and she was a non-practicing Methodist. She hadn’t been to church since she was three or four. We were married nearly four years when I finally returned to the Church. She was confused, didn’t understand at all, and became hostile to my new-found faith. Eventually we had a confrontation during which she finally told me she was worried I would leave her to become a priest! LOL. I calmly explained that the church would never allow something like that to happen, and besides I loved both her and our daughter and would never leave.

After that, she was okay with my budding spirituality. I never discussed conversion with her, nor did I ever suggest such a thing. I prayed constantly for it, however, and said many novenas, especially to St. Theresa of Lisieux who was so ardent for the conversion of souls during her lifetime. Eventually, one day she started to ask questions. I answered them without getting my hopes up. She then asked to go to Mass with us. After Mass one day, she said she’d like to meet with our priest. I grabbed her by the hand and practically dragged her into the sacristy. I introduced her to the priest, and before she could protest, I announced, “Father, she wants to convert.” Father set up some meetings with her, and before she knew it she converted, made her first Holy Confession, first Holy Communion, and was confirmed (while pregnant!) all within a year. She’s a very devout Catholic now, and we practice NFP happily trusting in God. Dei Gratias!!!

So, my advice is pray, pray, and pray some more. My wife’s conversion took over ten years to achieve, but I kept telling God the same thing over and over again, “Lord, if you let her convert, I know she’ll be the most ardent, most devoted, and most stubbornly loyal servant you’ve ever had.” He did, and she is. Nothing is impossible with God.