Wife and mother

[w2bp88]

I had originally posted this in the vocation area but I realized that was more for people who are thinking about religious life. So I am reposting it here because I think I will get more advice from people who are married and have kids or are thinking about it.

The more I learn about my faith and the gift that is life, the more excited I get to be a mother (and wife). The thing is that I feel like I am nowhere near that time in my life. I am graduating this spring and taking a year off and then hopefully, continuing to law school. After that I should probably work for a few years and save up some money. When I think about that though, that’s another 5-7 years away!

My boyfriend is also in the same boat because he’s graduating this fall and starting law school next year. Logically, I know it is not a good idea for us to get married any time soon because we would not be in the best situation to be open to life due to school and financial reasons. At the same time, I know he’s not ready to get married because he always freaks out when I mention little things relating to a wedding or marriage.

Another thing I wonder about is what future career I would like. I know what I would love to do the most is be a stay at home mom and do all the cliche things like cook and keep a clean and beautiful home. I would also like to homeschool my children which makes me wonder how can I work at the same time? My boyfriend (and hopefully hubby one day) wants to become a police officer after law school so I doubt that would be enough income to support a family.

My question, I guess, is how can I tell if this is just excitement or if this is really what I’m called to do? I also wonder what the point is for me to go through law school and incur all this debt if I know I would love to just be a mom but at the same time I know it is smart to have something to fall back on. Sorry for the rambling but any advice would be great!

God Bless!

 

[bellringer06]

Hi,

I felt compelled to reply to your post because your situation sounds quite similar to mine.

I too am very excited to someday be a wife and mother (in God’s time, of course). I believe excitement about a potential vocation is absolutely necessary, so I’m glad you’re excited about this too. In my opinion, you need to do two things to see if this is really where God is calling you as opposed to this just being an “excited, good feeling.”

First of all, look at the deepest desires of your heart. Do you have a strong desire to raise children for the Lord? Do you have a strong desire to stand by your boyfriend in all things, good and bad? Do you have a strong desire to give your life completely to another person and to spend it bringing Christ to the world through your relationship and any children God may bless you with? Asking myself these sorts of questions confirmed in me that God placed a strong desire in my heart for these things. Also, when I think and pray about these sorts of things, a comforting peace enters my heart. That is another way I know I am following God.

Secondly, remember our ultimate goal in life is to make it to Heaven. Therefore, you need to think about who you are and how God is calling you, and look for the “best” way to help you get to Heaven. I’m not saying there is really a best way to get to Heaven, but some roads are easier than others (for an individual, not for the population as a whole). For example, my boyfriend has helped me develop a structured prayer life, brought me closer to certain aspects of the faith, helped me fall more in love with the Catholic Church, and has deepened my relationship with Jesus. I know he has brought me closer to God in ways I never imagined, and I have such a desire to grow deeper in faith with him. With this desire, I feel he can help me towards Heaven better than I could in any other way.

I hope the above paragraphs help for your question about being excited about your future vocation. Now, as for law school, all I can say is that you’ll have to prayerfully discern this. I’ll share my story with you if it’ll help.

I want to be a stay-at-home-mom some day and spend every day with my children. I have had this desire for a long time, but even with it I chose to enter pharmacy school. When people find out I want to be a stay-at-home mom, 90% of the time I am asked, “why are you in pharmacy school then?” The way I see it, education is a wonderful opportunity and I won’t get this same chance again in my life. I prayerfully discerned that God willed for me to go to school, so I followed Him. What He chooses to do with my education later on is up to Him. I’ll just follow.

As for your comment about your boyfriend wanting to be a police officer and there not being much money in that career, this is what I’ve got. My boyfriend is a middle school teacher and I have expressed both my desire to be a stay-at-home-mom and my concerns about finances to him. We have sat down and looked over numbers and, so long as you live frugally, from what I see it looks like you can make a good life out of a small salary. Also, think about this: if you chose to work, you’d have to pay for some sort of daycare, professional attire and supplies, etc… and so you may determine it is better for you to be at home with kids (also, no one can replace mom in a kid’s life). If you do decide you want to work, though, maybe you could find a part-time job somewhere. That’s what I love about pharmacy: I could work for just a few hours per week or work from home very easily. Another thing you could think about: What if your husband was hurt on the job and you had to work for a while (or indefinitely)? A law degree may help you get a job to help support your family during a time like this.

I hope my post (sorry for the length) is helpful to you. If something doesn’t make sense or if you want me to clarify something for you, please ask.

God bless.

 

[Em_in_FL]

It is wonderful to dream and share our personal desires with God in prayer… but remember how we pray the Our Father… “Thy Will be done”… THAT is what’s most important - that we follow God’s will in our lives. This takes lots of prayer… both individually, and together with your boyfriend/fiance.

I remember going through those thoughts and feelings when I was in college… 10 years later, however, I’ve realized that God’s will in MY life was as a WORKING mother, despite my dreams of staying home (I’ve been *praying *to stay at home since my oldest child was born 6 1/2 years ago! ).

Anyway… pray that God’s will be done… and then you’ll know you’re on the right path! It might not be easy, though…

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I see these posts every now, and I have to tell you, I am always a bit perplexed at the approach. I don’t mean to be critical, because your approach is very conscientious, and I am sure you intend to be the very best lawyer in the world while simultaneously being the very best mother you can be, but to imagine that you have the level of control you envision that you have over the rest of your life is a bit naive.

Unfortunately, our culture has really forgotten to live in the moment, for the moment, in response to God’s will for us today. You will do what God will’s you to do, as you cooperate with His purpose for you. If you and God decide to pursue law school now, that is wonderful. If you and your boyfriend and God decide that you are called to marry and start a family, then that too is wonderful.

Neither careers nor parenthood usually progress according to original plans, and the truth is, you are never going to be be prepared for motherhood until you become a mother no matter how much money you save. Motherhood is an experiential vocation and you learn as you do. You can plan all you want, but in the end, there is only a certain degree of control you have over your life. You cannot prepare adequately for parenthood, because becoming a parent is not all about you and your plans. Becoming a parent involves another soul and God’s will for that soul. Because of that, the way you plan things sometimes gets pushed to the side.

For example, how do you know you are fertile? How do you know whether or not you can carry a pregnancy to term? How do you know your children will be healthy and able in every way? How do you know you and your child will get along? You get the point. You can’t plan some of these things. You are just open to God’s will and the needs of your family and you respond to what you get.

As for your career- you should do what you and God, through prayer, decide what will most serve your highest purpose. It certainly may be law school. Nothing wrong with that, except of course the price tag. One thing I would like to mention, though, (and I don’t want to post publicly what I do for a living, but it has a strong legal aspect and required a lot of education) is that that you should really try to get a very practical and realistic idea of what it is like to be a lawyer and what the job outlook is like before making any decisions.

Are you aware that being a lawyer involves very detail-oriented processes that have to be followed exactly as they are intended to be followed? Are you aware that there is a lot of tedious and repetitive work involved? Do you like to read and research documents written in highly complex, convoluted language? Are you aware that sometimes the outcomes of legal proceedings are counter-intutive? Can you follow the rules even when you think they are unfair? Are you aware that sometimes the right things aren’t done, and that people come into power for the wrong reasons?

 

[MomAfterIF]

I do not have an answer for you but wanted to tell you a bit about my situation. Tom and I started dating in 1999, just 2.5 months after I turned 14 years old. August 6th, 2005, we were married where my grandpa (my grandparents raised me) walked me down the aisle. In 2006, both my grandparents passed away, 4.5 months between each other. 2007 my son was born and 2008 my daughter was born. I feel as if we were meant to be married then, to have my grandparents be there to see me get married. Before that, we had had 6 miscarriages, my grandparents being my biggest supporters through those tough times. After they passed away, I went straight to having my children, my miracles. I did however miscarry once more after my children. I dont think I would have ever gotten married had my grandpa not been here to walk me down the aisle and give me away. I thank God for that day everyday.

 

[w2bp88]

I see these posts every now, and I have to tell you, I am always a bit perplexed at the approach. I don’t mean to be critical, because your approach is very conscientious, and I am sure you intend to be the very best lawyer in the world while simultaneously being the very best mother you can be, but to imagine that you have the level of control you envision that you have over the rest of your life is a bit naive.

Unfortunately, our culture has really forgotten to live in the moment, for the moment, in response to God’s will for us today. You will do what God will’s you to do, as you cooperate with His purpose for you. If you and God decide to pursue law school now, that is wonderful. If you and your boyfriend and God decide that you are called to marry and start a family, then that too is wonderful.

Neither careers nor parenthood usually progress according to original plans, and the truth is, you are never going to be be prepared for motherhood until you become a mother no matter how much money you save. Motherhood is an experiential vocation and you learn as you do. You can plan all you want, but in the end, there is only a certain degree of control you have over your life. You cannot prepare adequately for parenthood, because becoming a parent is not all about you and your plans. Becoming a parent involves another soul and God’s will for that soul. Because of that, the way you plan things sometimes gets pushed to the side.

For example, how do you know you are fertile? How do you know whether or not you can carry a pregnancy to term? How do you know your children will be healthy and able in every way? How do you know you and your child will get along? You get the point. You can’t plan some of these things. You are just open to God’s will and the needs of your family and you respond to what you get.

As for your career- you should do what you and God, through prayer, decide what will most serve your highest purpose. It certainly may be law school. Nothing wrong with that, except of course the price tag. One thing I would like to mention, though, (and I don’t want to post publicly what I do for a living, but it has a strong legal aspect and required a lot of education) is that that you should really try to get a very practical and realistic idea of what it is like to be a lawyer and what the job outlook is like before making any decisions.

Are you aware that being a lawyer involves very detail-oriented processes that have to be followed exactly as they are intended to be followed? Are you aware that there is a lot of tedious and repetitive work involved? Do you like to read and research documents written in highly complex, convoluted language? Are you aware that sometimes the outcomes of legal proceedings are counter-intutive? Can you follow the rules even when you think they are unfair? Are you aware that sometimes the right things aren’t done, and that people come into power for the wrong reasons?

I guess right now I’m kind of at a point where I don’t know what my next move is going to be. I am graduating a year early because I have a lot of credits and there’s nothing else I really want to to take. My major is psychology but once I figured out that I don’t really like it, I was so far into it seemed stupid for me to drop it.I don’t really like much of anything as far as a career goes and I don’t have any passions. So, I decided upon law school because I feel like I should get a graduate degree in something and nothing else really sounds appealing. I am not ready to apply for graduate school though so I am taking a year off. I figured I can work and maybe think about what I would like to do.

At the same time, my boyfriend is applying to law school and he wants my (name removed by moderator)ut as far as location is concerned. I don’t really want to end up on the other side of the country as him but I don’t really want to follow him without a more serious commitment. I don’t want to pressure him into anything because when he proposes I want it to be from him, not because he knows I want him to. I hate that he gets to be the one in charge of this because I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in his head and I’m just sitting around waiting.

As for your questions, yes, I have worried that I might have fertility issues and the other similar things you mentioned. I have also thought about the law questions but I just think that I don’t know what other educational pursuit I should take. I think a law degree looks good and I don’t necessarily have to end up going into law.

Basically I feel like everything is up in the air and I don’t know what to do next. I hate not being in control or feeling like I am.

 

[flyingfish]

At the same time, my boyfriend is applying to law school and he wants my (name removed by moderator)ut as far as location is concerned. I don’t really want to end up on the other side of the country as him but I don’t really want to follow him without a more serious commitment. I don’t want to pressure him into anything because when he proposes I want it to be from him, not because he knows I want him to. I hate that he gets to be the one in charge of this because I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in his head and I’m just sitting around waiting.

Are you sure that he knows you want him to?

It might be unconventional for the woman to propose, but there is nothing wrong with it (apart from the obvious anxiety you’d feel). Maybe if it comes down to whether to follow him or not, and he hasn’t taken that step by then perhaps you should.

Even if you don’t marry right away, at the very least you’ll be engaged and you’ll know that marriage to you is what he wants.

Give it time obviously, but at some point if he doesn’t take the step, you must. Otherwise you might end up waiting for a long time, having him never take the step with you, and miss out on a marriage to some other man you could have met in the meantime.

As for your questions, yes, I have worried that I might have fertility issues and the other similar things you mentioned. I have also thought about the law questions but I just think that I don’t know what other educational pursuit I should take. I think a law degree looks good and I don’t necessarily have to end up going into law.

Basically I feel like everything is up in the air and I don’t know what to do next. I hate not being in control or feeling like I am.

Don’t go to law school “just because”, maybe don’t graduate early but take some random courses from various departments to try to find something that you enjoy. A law degree certainly looks good, but from my understanding it is also quite expensive.

Graduating early and working for a year while deciding is a bad idea in my opinion. There are far more options inside a university for deciding what you want to do than at a job, especially if you got something like an office job.

Also while you feel strongly about being a wife and a mother, you have to allow for the possibility that it might not happen. Your boyfriend might decide he doesn’t want marriage, you might end up infertile, you might end up divorced, things like that. It’s good to have a plan B, which I think you already know.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I guess right now I’m kind of at a point where I don’t know what my next move is going to be. I am graduating a year early because I have a lot of credits and there’s nothing else I really want to to take. My major is psychology but once I figured out that I don’t really like it, I was so far into it seemed stupid for me to drop it.I don’t really like much of anything as far as a career goes and I don’t have any passions. So, I decided upon law school because I feel like I should get a graduate degree in something and nothing else really sounds appealing. I am not ready to apply for graduate school though so I am taking a year off. I figured I can work and maybe think about what I would like to do.

At the same time, my boyfriend is applying to law school and he wants my (name removed by moderator)ut as far as location is concerned. I don’t really want to end up on the other side of the country as him but I don’t really want to follow him without a more serious commitment. I don’t want to pressure him into anything because when he proposes I want it to be from him, not because he knows I want him to. I hate that he gets to be the one in charge of this because I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in his head and I’m just sitting around waiting.

As for your questions, yes, I have worried that I might have fertility issues and the other similar things you mentioned. I have also thought about the law questions but I just think that I don’t know what other educational pursuit I should take. I think a law degree looks good and I don’t necessarily have to end up going into law.

Basically I feel like everything is up in the air and I don’t know what to do next. I hate not being in control or feeling like I am.

I agree with Flying Fish 's idea. You’re interested in marriage, so why not talk to your boyfriend about how you feel? If nothing else, you both can have a talk about where you are right now and what you both mean to each other.

My undergrad is in psychology, too. Why did you choose it? What did you like about it, and what didn’t you like about it? Do you like social science, or was the reading and research not interesting to you? Did you choose psychology because of an interest in people? You are in a great place in your life and can choose whatever suits you. You can really go anywhere from here. Even a double major instead of graduating early to give you some better ideas of what kind of career would best suit you. Have you ever taken the Meyers Briggs? That’s a great place to start. People end up being the most happy in careers that suit their personality, even if it is in a subject they were never interested in before.

 

[w2bp88]

I agree with Flying Fish 's idea. You’re interested in marriage, so why not talk to your boyfriend about how you feel? If nothing else, you both can have a talk about where you are right now and what you both mean to each other.

My undergrad is in psychology, too. Why did you choose it? What did you like about it, and what didn’t you like about it? Do you like social science, or was the reading and research not interesting to you? Did you choose psychology because of an interest in people? You are in a great place in your life and can choose whatever suits you. You can really go anywhere from here. Even a double major instead of graduating early to give you some better ideas of what kind of career would best suit you. Have you ever taken the Meyers Briggs? That’s a great place to start. People end up being the most happy in careers that suit their personality, even if it is in a subject they were never interested in before.

I’ve tried talking to him about it but it never gets anywhere. The last time I brought it up we were walking through a wedding section and he made a comment like “oh no”. I was really upset because if he wanted to marry me it would be something he was excited about not just something he thinks “oh here we go again, she’s trying to pressure me”. After that, I told him I would never mention it again.

I chose psychology because it was the only class I found interesting in high school. As time went on I got kind of bored with it but I can’t find anything else that I like. I’ve tried talking to advisers before but they haven’t really helped because they always ask what I’m interested in but I don’t really have many interests.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I’ve tried talking to him about it but it never gets anywhere. The last time I brought it up we were walking through a wedding section and he made a comment like “oh no”. I was really upset because if he wanted to marry me it would be something he was excited about not just something he thinks “oh here we go again, she’s trying to pressure me”. After that, I told him I would never mention it again.

Hmm. Well, if you are interested in marriage, it’s not really fair to you to never have to mention it again, is it? I agree with you, if he wanted to get married then he’d probably think it was fun to at least imagine what it would be like.

I chose psychology because it was the only class I found interesting in high school. As time went on I got kind of bored with it but I can’t find anything else that I like. I’ve tried talking to advisers before but they haven’t really helped because they always ask what I’m interested in but I don’t really have many interests.

Really take the Meyers Briggs and see what you think. You can take the test online. You get a 4-letter type that has a certain meaning. The first letter is either I or E, and it means introversion or extraversion. The second letter is either N or S, and it means approaching information from an intuitive perspective (what you can imagine or envision) or sensory perspective, such as what you can see and touch. The third letter is T or F, and it means you value thinking, or logical processes, or feelings and emotions when you interact with people. The fourth letter is J or P, and it means you like to finish and come to a conclusion (judging) or you like for things to be in a state of flux (perceiving). The career advice that comes out of those types is really accurate when it comes to figuring out what you’d be most happy doing.

humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

 

[LongingForLight]

The advice to pray, and to realize you don’t have complete control is very true.

You also don’t know until you get started just what options your family might have to make things work.

Thing about things like:

• Juggling shifts
• Part-time work
• Flexible hours
• Working from home
• Working intermittently, for example by taking contracts with a set end date
• Taking turns at-home so the higher earner can work for a while and then stay home
• Living a really simple life so you need less money

True stories of this in real life:
My sister and her DH work full-time and have two children, one on the way. She works days, he works nights. They homeschool their oldest, who is 7 and reads at a fifth-grade level. They had their first child when she was 19, she graduated from college at 21 with a BA. Her husband and she both work in security. She is 27 now.

My husband is a SAHD right now for our two children, and I work full-time and we have one on the way. Longer-term, we want to save up $$ from my higher income so I can stay home. He will probably work simultaneously for some of this time so we can save more money faster, and during that time I will use my ability to do some work from home and my flexible work hours to help us juggle. We married when I was 21, I graduated months later, and our twins were born when I was 22. I am 26 now.

Basically, I want to assure you that things aren’t straight-forward as to how they “ought” to happen. You can kick off a career and a family at the same time. It’s not easy, and the whole family needs to be a part of it. BUT you absolutely need the father of the family to be on-board, or the stress will hurt until things get sorted out. Pray together, as you get closer to discussing marriage, and do discuss these things together.

Also, you might feel at the moment like you are nowhere near being a mother or a wife. Believe me, it can come more quickly than you expect! God has a plan for you, don’t worry! It might require a wait, or it might be right around the corner. As it unfolds, you’ll come to understand why it happened that way. I never planned to marry at 21 - that sounded foolishly young to me until we actually got engaged and set the date. But God was moving me to desire motherhood, and my husband was amenable

I hope this helps some . . . ultimately, all we can do is encourage you that “God has a plan!” and pray for you. You are asking good questions, though, and that is a good step to discerning God’s Will.

 

[flyingfish]

I’ve tried talking to him about it but it never gets anywhere. The last time I brought it up we were walking through a wedding section and he made a comment like “oh no”. I was really upset because if he wanted to marry me it would be something he was excited about not just something he thinks “oh here we go again, she’s trying to pressure me”. After that, I told him I would never mention it again.

That is a really inappropriate position for your boyfriend to take. Why shouldn’t you be mentioning marriage?

If he doesn’t intend to marry you, it’s something you need to know so that you don’t waste any more time on him. How long have you been together? How old are both of you?

I chose psychology because it was the only class I found interesting in high school. As time went on I got kind of bored with it but I can’t find anything else that I like. I’ve tried talking to advisers before but they haven’t really helped because they always ask what I’m interested in but I don’t really have many interests.

The way to find out if you are interested in something is to try it. You are not going to know if you like other subjects until you take courses in them.

 

[w2bp88]

That is a really inappropriate position for your boyfriend to take. Why shouldn’t you be mentioning marriage?

If he doesn’t intend to marry you, it’s something you need to know so that you don’t waste any more time on him. How long have you been together? How old are both of you?

The way to find out if you are interested in something is to try it. You are not going to know if you like other subjects until you take courses in them.

Right now it’s been a year and 8 months. I am going to be 21 next month and he is 22.

 

[w2bp88]

Really take the Meyers Briggs and see what you think. You can take the test online. You get a 4-letter type that has a certain meaning. The first letter is either I or E, and it means introversion or extraversion. The second letter is either N or S, and it means approaching information from an intuitive perspective (what you can imagine or envision) or sensory perspective, such as what you can see and touch. The third letter is T or F, and it means you value thinking, or logical processes, or feelings and emotions when you interact with people. The fourth letter is J or P, and it means you like to finish and come to a conclusion (judging) or you like for things to be in a state of flux (perceiving). The career advice that comes out of those types is really accurate when it comes to figuring out what you’d be most happy doing.

humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Thank you, I’m going to try it now and see what it says.

 

[BrokenFortress]

I don’t think that the aversion to speaking about marriage right now is necessarily a horrible thing. It just really depends on the person.

Here is my experience, so take my advice how you will. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. Around the 2 year mark I started making marriage comments. At the time he was no where near ready. At that time he would have been 21, and I, 20. Now, he would say things like “I’m just not ready, it’s something that requires much thought”. Which at the time kind of offended me. But honestly, marriage is a vocation, it is something that should be gone into with much thought. This disregard for thought of the seriousness of marriage is why the divorce rate is so high in today’s world. So, at the time I was being really selfish. I made comments to my sister that I would never wait 5 years. If he hadn’t asked me within a couple years, I’d ask him, and if he said no, I’d leave. I was very naïve. I was selfish. I didn’t listen to God and trust in Him. I failed to see His plan, which is something I know everyone struggles with.

So here we are, at almost 5 years together, and we’re not yet engaged. But, I do know it’s coming, he’s told me that he’s ready. I can say, that I am honestly happy that we’ve waited. It’s given us the time to mature. And it’s allowed me to see that God’s plan is not always our plan, but it is the best plan.

So, I just told you all this to show that you shouldn’t shy away from the fact that he’s not ready. If there is genuine love and respect, then you can wait. There isn’t one answer for all relationships.

So I guess that leads me to some questions. Are you both devout Catholics? I see your status says RCIA (welcome to the club! I became Catholic 3 years ago after meeting my boyfriend). Will he see marriage as a vocation and as such do you think he’s taking the process seriously and that’s why he’s hesitating? (as in, is he trying to discern if marriage is his call?)

I don’t think forcing the issue helps anything at all. It didn’t in my case, in fact, it made things worse. When I would try and force the issue of marriage, we ended up getting in an argument. Now, I’m not saying don’t talk about it. I think you can talk about it, but respect one another. Try to see where his stance is on things. Does he have an idea of when he feels that he would be ready to be married? Is it after he finishes school? Does he worry about being able to financially support a family? (I know this can be a big thing with some guys)

So waiting isn’t always a bad thing like some people in this thread seemed to make it sound like. There’s really no reason to rush. Trust in God’s plan, you never know what life holds, but God does. Has been restricted to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for nearly 5 years been easy? No, of course not, especially when you both agree to remain chaste. But sometimes, time and other matters prevent you from getting married right when you want to, and it’s not always a bad thing.

Sorry for writing a book here, but I do have strong feelings about this since I’ve went through it. I wish I hadn’t obsessed so much about getting married. Trusting in God is sometimes hard, but it is the best thing to do.

 

[beckers]

I will speak up because i am a 2nd year law student. How much have you actaully thought about studying law? Because law school is not a fall back option!!! You shouldn’t want to do it because it sounds fun or interesting. It is a tough and grueling grad school program. There is a reason that many people don’t make it past the first semester or first year. The numbers of hours of studying and just the whole process of changing how you look at things and learning a whole new vocabulary is strenous on not only your mind, but your body, your faith life and your realtionships with others. You shouldn’t pursue it unless you are sure you want to go into that field and be close to a $100,000 in debt when you get out. Look into the health issues. Lawyers have huge numbers of dependency problems and a high rate of sucide. You must educate yourself and surround yourself with a good and understanding support staff or you will lose yourself.

They gave us warnings to not start anything new (relationships, jobs, diets etc ) within the first year just because of the amount of stress you are under. You will notice that you don’t have time for relationship with even your family and your friends are your classmates and study mates. You wil disappear for the first year and the emerge wondering where life went.

Believe me being in a relationship is hard at anytime during law school. My BF now didn’t understand why when he tried to date me in december (the end of my first semester) that i was so worn down and so emotional drained that i couldn’t possible of pursued anything with him. Now he understands because he sees how much studying i still have to do in my 2nd year. He works around and understands that i have to evenings to study and that it comes first. But I have to make a continous effort to plan my scheudle to include him and to sometimes sacrifice being un-prepared for class to be able to spend time with him. It just one more ball to juggle on top of work, church, family, friends and school.

I don’t understand why your BF wants to do law school and then be a cop. Why put all the extra debt to just leave the profession in a few years?? To make good money takes time and he would be leaving the profession when he actauly starts making seniority.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about law school. I would be more than willing to answer questions!

beckers

 

[beckers]

And i forgot to reply to the part about being a mother…Sorry…Studying brain fart.

I too have the desire to be a mother. I would love to be a stay at home mom and have picked a law field that matches my personality but will also give me some flexiability (i hope) but i also know that there is the reality that i may not get to stay home. I need to work for 2 to 3 years to pay off the student loans while hopeful living off my future-husband salary. If that is my BF now (i hope it is) i would be willing to work so that he can pursue being a teacher in a catholic school which we all know pays very very little. But there is also the fact that we don’t know if and when will have childern because as much as you “plan” for one you never know when you be granted that beautiful gift.

Basically there are a lot of “what ifs” All you can do is pray and prepare yourself for whatever happens. If you leave yourself open to flexiblitiy then God can work wonders.

 

[flyingfish]

Right now it’s been a year and 8 months. I am going to be 21 next month and he is 22.

Well you guys are very young, and the average age of marriage is in the late twenties.

It’s hard to give advice. On the one hand, he is very young, and I don’t imagine that many people think of marriage at 22.

On the other hand, when you’re with someone for nearly 2 years, why not talk about marriage? Maybe not necessarily even your own marriage, but marriage in general, thoughts about it, whether the person wants to get married at all. Things like that.

What is his attitude towards you? You said he wants to make his decision about law school based on where you will be? That’s a sign he’s serious.

Does he have some fear of marriage? Did his own parents have a bitter divorce, or does he have otherwise bad experiences with marriage?

Does he express the desire to spend the rest of his life with you even if he doesn’t talk about marriage? That I would say is the important question.

But seeing how you are so young, I think you should focus on growing as a person for now and not worry so much about marriage. You are called to be a wife and a mother, but you may also be called to many other things. Take the time to figure that out, and maybe then the issue of marriage to your boyfriend won’t be so pressing.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

So here we are, at almost 5 years together, and we’re not yet engaged.

So waiting isn’t always a bad thing like some people in this thread seemed to make it sound like.

I don’t think anybody here said waiting for a relationship to mature is a bad thing. I did say that it isn’t fair to somebody to not be allowed to talk about commitment when that person is very interested in commitment. That’s a very different statement than “waiting is a bad thing”.

IMO, allowing a relationship to grow and mature is healthy, as long as it is actually growing, and is not stagnant. Waiting as growth occurs is healthy. Waiting to appease somebody else’s hesitation and fear is not healthy, and rarely leads to the one who is fearful changing their mind.

IMO, it also is not healthy for one person to suppress their true intentions and desires in a relationship, for the sake of making someone else happy. If this girl is very drawn to the idea of taking a relationship to a new level of emotional intimacy, and that isn’t what her boyfriend wants, then is she waiting as she and he mature together, or is she holding back to appease his fear?

 

[Em_in_FL]

I don’t think anybody here said waiting for a relationship to mature is a bad thing. I did say that it isn’t fair to somebody to not be allowed to talk about commitment when that person is very interested in commitment. That’s a very different statement than “waiting is a bad thing”.

IMO, allowing a relationship to grow and mature is healthy, as long as it is actually growing, and is not stagnant. Waiting as growth occurs is healthy. Waiting to appease somebody else’s hesitation and fear is not healthy, and rarely leads to the one who is fearful changing their mind.

IMO, it also is not healthy for one person to suppress their true intentions and desires in a relationship, for the sake of making someone else happy. If this girl is very drawn to the idea of taking a relationship to a new level of emotional intimacy, and that isn’t what her boyfriend wants, then is she waiting as she and he mature together, or is she holding back to appease his fear?

These are definitely the important questions to ask.

If the boyfriend has no intention (even thinking *years *ahead) of discussing the future of the relationship then that really says a lot.

Honestly, sounds like the OP needs to seriously figure out what she wants to do with her life! I mean, was the *PURPOSE *of going off to college just to find her “perfect husband” so that she’d never have to work and could just be mother and housewife for the rest of her life? If that’s the case, then maybe the boyfriend DOES feel pressured… legitimately! Unless he’s head-over-heels in love with her (in which case you’d expect him to want to talk about marriage), it sounds like he may be scared of her neediness.

I think the other posters here that have mentioned the challenges and passions required to go into the field of Law should really be listened to… you don’t go to college, or into Law school “just because it’s the next thing to do”… that sounds like such a waste of time, money, and education!

I’m really not meaning to sound harsh - but you may want to seriously evaluate what you want to do with your life. If your boyfriend isn’t your knight in shining armor that will carry you off into the sunset of your dreams of motherhood then something is going to have to fill this time in your life - something productive and meaningful. Maybe go talk to the Career Counselors at your school - DEFINITELY take the Myers-Briggs test - find out what you want to do with YOUR life - TAKE CONTROL and don’t lean on your boyfriend to make all the choices for you!

Good luck and God bless!