Wife becoming anti-religion

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pabloSD

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Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I know that I’m guilty of the current, difficult situation my family is in right now.
Almost two years ago, my wife and I decided to look for an evangelical Christian church, because we were never practicing Catholics… To make a story short, it was me who put the pressure to join the Mormon Church, which was far from what we originally intented to attend.

Well, we were Mormons for a year, but we left because we never trully believed the doctrines, and the more we learned about them, the more we became dissapointed.

We haven’t been to the LDS church in more than six months. But we haven’t attended any other church either. I have been learning more about our Catholic Church by myself, because my wife blames me for all the confussion in our family’s life, because it was me who made the decission to join the Mormons, and it was also my decission to leave them.

I accept that, and I have repented with all my heart. I want to become a true Catholic, but she doesn’t. She is always making fun of me for buying Catholic books, and for visiting Catholic sites, such as this one. Last Sunday, Jan. 1., was the first time I went to Mass for the first time. I took my little boy with me. Today, she doesn’t want to hear about it. So I decided not to attend Mass today, so that I wouldn’t create conflict.

But I feel that my children are on their way to be like me and her were when we were little kids: Never went to Mass, never learned about God, etc.

What should I do? I know I have to give her time, but meanwhile, I’m going through very difficult economic times, because I’m semi-employed. I fell a great need for God, for spirituality, for communion. 😦

My sister-in-law and her husband are studying the Bible a lot. He is prison right now, and since he ended up there, he’s become very involved with a Christian ministry in prison. My SIL is also studying the Bible, and they have hope that he will be released in February after almost a year in prison. I feel that that challenge has made them closer and has strenghten their marriage. On the other hand, I feel that my marriage is collapsing.

I want to be a true Catholic, but for the longest time, for my wife and I Catholic meant being away from the Church, meant not reading the Bible, meant not knowing Jesus Christ, meant not praying, meant so many negative things.

I feel desperate.
En Cristo,
Pablo:(
 
Perhaps your wife is afraid you’ll change your mind again?

You are the spiritual head of your family, so I’d say no more skipping Mass! Take charge and take your son to Mass with you. Let your wife know that being Catholic is your final decision and then show her by your actions. 🙂
 
Phaedra777 said:
Perhaps your wife is afraid you’ll change your mind again?

**You are the spiritual head of your family, so I’d say no more skipping Mass! ** Take charge and take your son to Mass with you. Let your wife know that being Catholic is your final decision and then show her by your actions. 🙂
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Great advice… but only if his wife will cooperate. It is quite possible for a wife to reject her husband’s headship and actively oppose it, in which case he cannot assert it. Only the OP will know what applies in his situation.

OP, my heart goes out to you! This is a similar situation to what I suffered through 10 years of marriage, except that we started our marriage as practicing and enthusiastic Catholics, and my wife very quickly drifted from the faith, and increasingly scorned and rejected it over the years. This rejection was never a rational decision and it was never something we could discuss. She just didn’t like it anymore, and didn’t want it in the home.

So, I understand (possibly) the predicament you are in. If your situation is like mine, then the more you practice your faith yourself, and the more you attempt to raise your children in it, the more you will become distanced from your wife. There seem to be many non-Catholic spouses who accept their spouse practicing the faith, or are willing to discuss a compromise, but there are a few who set up a battleground. My ex-wife set up a battleground and that was it. I was given some “freedom” to practice my faith myself, so long as it didn’t interfere with other things, but I was not bring it into our marriage (eg. no prayers together) or our family (eg. no discussion of religion in the home).

Just emphasising - I am reading into your situation some of the things I experienced. How much of it actually applies to you, only you can know.

When I look back on this time, which lasted 10 years until she left me, I see very few options for myself. My wife was not going to compromise, and if I attempted to “force” the issue at all I would only make it worse. Looking back, the only thing I would have changed would have been to continue to practice my faith by myself, particularly morning and evening prayers, bible reading and the rosary, and Sunday Mass.

If you are able to discuss it with your wife, and have some compromise then great! Even better would if she allows you to exercise spiritual headship. However, if this is not possible, then practice your own faith as well as you can, and be prepared for a long, lonely struggle. If your wife chooses to distance herself from you then allow her that choice, but don’t change what you are doing. I made that mistake, partly our of respect for my wife, and partly our of fear of loneliness, and of her threats.

In short, I “appeased” my wife by reducing my own practice of the faith. This only bought further appeasement, until I was spiritually dead, and also dead as a husband and father, and then she left me for another man.

So, don’t allow your love of your wife, or a misguided desire to save the marriage and family, to stop you practicing your own faith as well as you can. If you wife opposes you teaching your children the faith then you are probably stuck with that. Your only hope for them and for you is to keep your own faith.

Just one caveat on that advice: while you are in some financial difficulty don’t give your wife any excuse to say that your prayers and devotions are distracting your from earning more.
If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters–yes, even his own life–he cannot be my disciple.[Luke 14:26]
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I will remember you in my prayers.

~ Edmundus
 
Pablo, everyone is on their own path to God. My advice is let your wife know that you respect her feelings and then ask that she respect yours. You won’t pressure her and she won’t comment about your Catholic journey. I think you need to give each other the room to figure this out and let God work instead of everyone trying to control everyone.

Treat your wife as kindly as you know how. Go find a Parish and go to Mass and have a meeting with the Pastor about where you are. I think leading by Christian example with fewer words is called for. You both also need to think about what the constant tension and strife is doing to your child.

So. Deep breath. A couple steps back. Pray and let God handle it.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
Great advice… but only if his wife will cooperate. It is quite possible for a wife to reject her husband’s headship and actively oppose it, in which case he cannot assert it.So, he automatically kowtows to her? Why does the non-religious one have the final say? Only the OP will know what applies in his situation.

OP, my heart goes out to you! This is a similar situation to what I suffered through 10 years of marriage, except that we started our marriage as practicing and enthusiastic Catholics, and my wife very quickly drifted from the faith, and increasingly scorned and rejected it over the years. This rejection was never a rational decisionYou got that right and it was never something we could discuss. She just didn’t like it anymore, and didn’t want it in the home. The home is no place for God–and she gets a vote?

So, I understand (possibly) the predicament you are in. If your situation is like mine, then the more you practice your faith yourself, and the more you attempt to raise your children in it,as a Catholic must do the more you will become distanced from your wife.Her choice There seem to be many non-Catholic spouses who accept their spouse practicing the faith, or are willing to discuss a compromise, but there are a few who set up a battleground. My ex-wife set up a battleground and that was it. I was given some “freedom” to practice my faith myself, so long as it didn’t interfere with other things, but I was not bring it into our marriage (eg. no prayers together) or our family (eg. no discussion of religion in the home).And letting your wife be the Queen didn’t work out so well, did it?

Just emphasising - I am reading into your situation some of the things I experienced. How much of it actually applies to you, only you can know.

When I look back on this time, which lasted 10 years until she left me, I see very few options for myself. My wife was not going to compromise, and if I attempted to “force” the issue at all I would only make it worse. Looking back, the only thing I would have changed would have been to continue to practice my faith by myself, particularly morning and evening prayers, bible reading and the rosary, and Sunday Mass.

If you are able to discuss it with your wife, and have some compromise then great! Even better would if she allows you to exercise spiritual headship. However, if this is not possible, then practice your own faith as well as you can, and be prepared for a long, lonely struggle. If your wife chooses to distance herself from you then allow her that choice, but don’t change what you are doing. I made that mistake, partly our of respect for my wife,That is, putting your wife before God and partly our of fear of loneliness, and of her threats.

In short, I “appeased” my wife by reducing my own practice of the faith. This only bought further appeasement, until I was spiritually dead, and also dead as a husband and father, and then she left me for another man.So, she got everything her way and it still wasn’t enough.

So, don’t allow your love of your wife, or a misguided desire to save the marriage and family, to stop you practicing your own faith as well as you can. If you wife opposes you teaching your children the faith then you are probably stuck with that.Your own story shows that this is not the way to go. Your only hope for them and for you is to keep your own faith.

Just one caveat on that advice: while you are in some financial difficulty don’t give your wife any excuse to say that your prayers and devotions are distracting your from earning more.

I will remember you in my prayers.

~ Edmundus
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I have one thing to add to my post: my own spiritual life went into a nose-dive in the last four years of our marriage when I stopped going to confession. I was still attending Mass, irregularly, but stopped going to confession. It was the turning point for myself and my marriage. If I could go back and change one thing, it would be to continue going to confession, monthly.

There were actually some reasons that I stopped attending confession, because of unfortunate circumstances outside my control, but the effect was devestating.

So, my suggested “to-do” list is: morning and evening prayers, bible reading and the rosary, Sunday Mass and regular confession!

One great advantage people have these days, which I didn’t during my marriage, is the internet. I was completely isolated in my struggle, whereas you are able to reach out for support, as you have done, and I urge you to continue doing!
 
Julia_Mae said:
Pablo, everyone is on their own path to God. **My advice is let your wife know that you respect her feelings and then ask that she respect yours. You won’t pressure her and she won’t comment about your Catholic journey. **I think you need to give each other the room to figure this out and let God work instead of everyone trying to control everyone.

Treat your wife as kindly as you know how. Go find a Parish and go to Mass and have a meeting with the Pastor about where you are. I think leading by Christian example with fewer words is called for. You both also need to think about what the constant tension and strife is doing to your child.

So. Deep breath. A couple steps back. Pray and let God handle it.
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Nice and simple! I like that! 🙂
 
Pablo, I ask God to help you to follow His will for your life and faor your spiritual journey.
I ask God to help your wife to trust and seek to take that journey with you.
May God bless your wife, your children, and you.
 
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Phaedra777:
Phaedra777,

Your post was totally unnecessary. This poster told us his mistakes in humility and out of concern that the OP would not go down the same road, and you chose to criticize him and chastise him for those mistakes that he already knows he made. You did not add anything to this thread, please don’t do that again. Edmundus is not the subject of this thread.

Edmundus, thank you for sharing your story. I can say many similar things about my own marriage, and the mistakes I have made along the way. I came back to the Church 20 years ago when our first son was born, but my husband did not. He’s come to Mass with us, allowed the boys to be baptized, have the Eucharist, etc. but he’s never been the spiritual head of the home. I have tried to walk a tightrope between becoming “too Catholic” and being Catholic enough for my own happiness. Some of the mistakes I have made were not praying enough with my sons, not teaching them more about our faith at home, not taking the role of spiritual leader myself. In my defense, I believe in the traditional roles of husband and wife and did not want to take the lead in that way. But there are gaps in my sons’ Catholic development because of the lack of male leadership from my husband (who is more of an atheist now).

I can’t even be honest with them because it would tear their father down in their eyes. So we continue on…You and I have 20/20 hindsight and I hope we can help the OP to avoid some of these mistakes.

OP, I think you should proceed gently, pray constantly for your wife, go to adoration and implore the Blessed Virgin Mary to help you. Get on prayer lists too. Pray novenas. Ask St. Joseph to come alongside you and guide you. DO NOT miss Mass to placate your wife! You keep your obligations in any case. Don’t cram the Church down her throat. Invite her to fun events at the church as often as possible. Invite friends from the church to your home - fun people who won’t be like the evangelicals and practically beat her with the Bible.

The Mormon “church” was a mistake, but at least you realized it and got away.

I wasn’t clear - did you marry in the Church? You probably need to go see your priest and explain what is going on, and ask his guidance. You’re not the first person who has made similar mistakes.

I will add you to my prayers.
 
I’m with Julianne. 🙂

I can relate to so much of this. But, I have no advice, just prayers and hugs. :hug1:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Phaedra777,

Your post was totally unnecessary. This poster told us his mistakes in humility and out of concern that the OP would not go down the same road, and you chose to criticize him and chastise him for those mistakes that he already knows he made. You did not add anything to this thread, please don’t do that again. Edmundus is not the subject of this thread.

Edmundus, thank you for sharing your story. I can say many similar things about my own marriage, and the mistakes I have made along the way. I came back to the Church 20 years ago when our first son was born, but my husband did not. He’s come to Mass with us, allowed the boys to be baptized, have the Eucharist, etc. but he’s never been the spiritual head of the home. I have tried to walk a tightrope between becoming “too Catholic” and being Catholic enough for my own happiness. Some of the mistakes I have made were not praying enough with my sons, not teaching them more about our faith at home, not taking the role of spiritual leader myself. In my defense, I believe in the traditional roles of husband and wife and did not want to take the lead in that way. But there are gaps in my sons’ Catholic development because of the lack of male leadership from my husband (who is more of an atheist now).

I can’t even be honest with them because it would tear their father down in their eyes. So we continue on…You and I have 20/20 hindsight and I hope we can help the OP to avoid some of these mistakes.

OP, I think you should proceed gently, pray constantly for your wife, go to adoration and implore the Blessed Virgin Mary to help you. Get on prayer lists too. Pray novenas. Ask St. Joseph to come alongside you and guide you. DO NOT miss Mass to placate your wife! You keep your obligations in any case. Don’t cram the Church down her throat. Invite her to fun events at the church as often as possible. Invite friends from the church to your home - fun people who won’t be like the evangelicals and practically beat her with the Bible.

The Mormon “church” was a mistake, but at least you realized it and got away.

I wasn’t clear - did you marry in the Church? You probably need to go see your priest and explain what is going on, and ask his guidance. You’re not the first person who has made similar mistakes.

I will add you to my prayers.
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Yes, we were married in the Church, but at the time it was more to keep the family tradition. But now, I really value the Sacrament of Marriage.

Thank you all for your advice!
Pablo
 
Buy for your wife Gorecki’s Third Symphony on CD. You can get the Dawn Upshaw versions although I think the Polish soloists are superior. Gorecki is a devout Catholic and the 3 movements of the symphony are based on 3 old prayers/songs.

You will recover some of the soul of the Catholic Church from that. 🙂

Follow the true, good and beautiful to God, my friend. 🙂
 
pabloSD said:
Yes, we were married in the Church, but at the time it was more to keep the family tradition. But now, I really value the Sacrament of Marriage.

Thank you all for your advice!
Pablo
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Good! This is good news! You have a sacramental marriage! Pray to the Holy Family for help with your wife’s faith! Talk to your guardian angel and ask him to talk to HER guardian angel! Call in all the saints, especially Monica! Saint Monica was Saint Augustine, the notorious sinner who became an amazing theologian, after SEVENTEEN YEARS of his mother’s prayer for his conversion.

Know that our prayers are with you too.
 
Wow, that was a very ugly post from Phaedra777. Just a few thoughts on that: Yes, nonreligious parents do get a say in the upbringing of their children, just as religious ones do. No, the best way to convert someone is not to “take charge”, but to be patient, loving, and kind, especially when it’s your spouse. On top of all of that your post was just mean-spirited.

Now, on to the OP. I don’t blame your wife. It looks as though she never really had an interest in religion, but went along with it for you. At this point she’s worn out and tired of being jerked around. She probably thinks that this is just another phase that will last until another religious group convinces you of a new “truth”. The best thing you can do is stick it out and let her see how happy you are with Catholicism and that it is a lifelong thing for you, not just another phase. Perhaps your dedication will, over time, make her curious as to what you’ve found.

I know that a man is supposed to be the “spiritual head of house”, but sadly, it looks as though you’ve abused that position, so what you need to do now is take the time and effort to rebuild your wife’s trust in you.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Now, on to the OP. I don’t blame your wife. It looks as though she never really had an interest in religion, but went along with it for you. At this point she’s worn out and tired of being jerked around. She probably thinks that this is just another phase that will last until another religious group convinces you of a new “truth”. The best thing you can do is stick it out and let her see how happy you are with Catholicism and that it is a lifelong thing for you, not just another phase. Perhaps your dedication will, over time, make her curious as to what you’ve found.

I know that a man is supposed to be the “spiritual head of house”, but sadly, it looks as though you’ve abused that position, so what you need to do now is take the time and effort to rebuild your wife’s trust in you.
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What she said.

Think about it from your wife’s perspective – she followed you on your Mormon adventure, she got swept up into the Mormon life along with you, then abandoned it, again following your lead.

Did your family form relationships in the Mormon church that were broken when you left? What did your kids think – were they confused that the people they were used to seeing on a regular basis were suddenly out of their lives?

I imagine your wife must be thinking something like, “And now after leaving Mormonism because of its silly beliefs, you want to join another religion with equally silly practices. You say you’ve found the truth, but you said the same thing when we became Mormons. Is this your new home, or just another adventure? Am I really prepared to go through that whole exhausting drama again, dragging my children along with me as I go?”

And who could blame her?

It sounds to me like you may be on a spiritual journey. Maybe you’ve truly arrived at home. Or maybe this is just a milestone during a long wilderness journey. It can be both wonderful and terrifying. Have faith that God is waiting for you on the other end, and don’t assume that He is calling your wife to the same wilderness journey you seem to be on. Maybe she’s called to be your Aaron, to stay on the sidelines and hold you up when you grow weary.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Edmundus, thank you for sharing your story. I can say many similar things about my own marriage, and the mistakes I have made along the way. I came back to the Church 20 years ago when our first son was born, but my husband did not. He’s come to Mass with us, allowed the boys to be baptized, have the Eucharist, etc. but he’s never been the spiritual head of the home. ** I have tried to walk a tightrope between becoming “too Catholic” and being Catholic enough for my own happiness. ** Some of the mistakes I have made were not praying enough with my sons, not teaching them more about our faith at home, not taking the role of spiritual leader myself. In my defense, I believe in the traditional roles of husband and wife and did not want to take the lead in that way. But there are gaps in my sons’ Catholic development because of the lack of male leadership from my husband (who is more of an atheist now).

I can’t even be honest with them because it would tear their father down in their eyes. So we continue on…You and I have 20/20 hindsight and I hope we can help the OP to avoid some of these mistakes.

…
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Thanks Julianne. Yes, the purpose of my post was to just share the mistakes I made, with the benefit of hindsight, to help the OP feel that he is not alone, and to provide some food for thought. However, it looks so much different when one is still in the thick of it, with a young family, a spouse we are making a life with, and plenty of other problems and issues (toilet training, birthday parties, finances…) … as I’m sure you know 🙂
BlueEyedLady said:
… Yes, nonreligious parents do get a say in the upbringing of their children, just as religious ones do. No, the best way to convert someone is not to “take charge”, but to be patient, loving, and kind, especially when it’s your spouse…
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Thanks :)… That was an aspect of my story which I didn’t emphasise, and had almost forgotten.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
Thanks Julianne. Yes, the purpose of my post was to just share the mistakes I made, with the benefit of hindsight, to help the OP feel that he is not alone, and to provide some food for thought. However, it looks so much different when one is still in the thick of it, with a young family, a spouse we are making a life with, and plenty of other problems and issues (toilet training, birthday parties, finances…) … as I’m sure you know 🙂

Thanks :)… That was an aspect of my story which I didn’t emphasise, and had almost forgotten.
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As I re-read my post quoted within yours, I see I wrote “Catholic enough for my own happiness.” Well, that’s not really what it’s all about, is it…I know it’s not about my happiness but about pleasing God. And when I please God, I am usually making my husband unhappy. The two are at loggerheads. I could write a book about it, and I’m sure you could too. We know that we’ve been doing the best that we can under the circumstances, and that is all any of us can do. With the grace of God, tomorrow, I will do better.
 
Julia_Mae said:
Pablo, everyone is on their own path to God. My advice is let your wife know that you respect her feelings and then ask that she respect yours. You won’t pressure her and she won’t comment about your Catholic journey.** I think you need to give each other the room to figure this out and let God work instead of everyone trying to control everyone. **Treat your wife as kindly as you know how. Go find a Parish and go to Mass and have a meeting with the Pastor about where you are. I think leading by Christian example with fewer words is called for. You both also need to think about what the constant tension and strife is doing to your child.

So. Deep breath. A couple steps back. Pray and let God handle it.
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Excellent advice. To the OP, please do give your wife some room to figure things out for herself. If she was raised Catholic (I assume so since you were married in the Church), she has some idea of what the church is about and so it is not the same as you coverting from a protestant/mormon/unchurched background.

Speak to your priest and let him know your history. Go to confession so that you can begin to receive the Eucharist again. Go to Mass, but for now go at a time that will be the least distruptive to your family’s schedule.

Remember also, that even if she didn’t really take to Mormon theology, she’s may be greiving friends and the routine you set up during the time you attended their services. The Mormons are very family friendly and she may have gotten quite a bit of support from other wives and mothers. Give her space, but also bring home the bulletins from your new parish. If there is a family event - a dinner, play, etc tell her and ask her to come.

Lent is beginning in about a month, start your Lent in reparation for the situation you are in now. Offer a rosary, special novena, or other prayer for your wife and family every day.
I will be praying for you also.
 
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