Wife - Depressed / Suicidal?

[RPicart]

Hello everyone. I hope you’re doing well.

It has been quite some time since I visited the forum and it seems that every time I do is under challenging situations in my life.

I unfortunately don’t have a big group of friends here in the UK (I’m originally from the US) and the last time I posted on this forum it really helped in the darkest period in my life. I need advice and really this is the only place I could think of.

Recently, my wife has been showing a lot of signs that she is suffering from depression. I am not a psychiatrist so it’s not a proper diagnosis, but I know enough having suffered from depression myself to know that things are not right or okay. She has been having a hard time lately. She has been through a lot; the majority of it I believe is my fault. In a way, I feel like I have completely ruined her life and things have become too much for her. I’ve let her down.

This past Saturday she went to work and forgot her mobile phone. I think you can assume what I did. Part of me felt guilty for doing it because it was like I don’t trust her - doing something like that I feel is the signs of a paranoid spouse and I have never had reason to be that kind of person. I do trust her.

But the other part of me was absolutely devastated because of what I found. Wrongly or rightly, I decided to search her internet history. It was all there, google searches, website, etc.

• “I hate my life”
• “I don’t like being a mother”
• “hate being a mom am I bad”
• “Suicide methods”
• “What is the least painful way to die”
• “How to die peacefully”
• “I can’t cope”
• “tired of life”
• “how to die by starvation”
• “is it painful to die of starvation”
• “unhappy feel trapped”
• “How to cope with suicidal thoughts”
• “suicide by ibuprofen”
• “suicide by paracetamol”
• “I want to end my loveless marriage"

When I saw all of this my stomach churned. I don’t know what to do. I hurt my wife a lot, my first post here was about me having had an affair and destroying the lives we had built together. We separated in early 2014. Somehow, by the Grace of God, we reconciled and lived apart from over a year. But I cannot help thinking that this way she feels; all of this is still down to what I did to her. I have never forgotten what I did, it’s something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life knowing that I hurt someone so badly.

But now, knowing that this is what she is feeling, it is tearing me up inside because I don’t know how to approach her about it. I don’t want to lose my wife, I do love her, I am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused her and since we reconciled I have done all I could to be the man that she is proud to call her husband. But if I confront her with this all I can think about is that she will leave me.

At the same time, I know that it is a chance I have to take because I am afraid that if I just ignore it and her depression gets worse what’s to say she won’t act on some of these searches? We have three beautiful children who absolutely adore their mother. She is a wonderful mother, a wonderful woman, and a wonderful wife. Sometimes I give her a hard time about nagging, and now all I can feel is remorse because that too may possibly be one of the reasons she feels like this.

I feel like I am rambling at the moment, I just feel very lost in what I should do. I know I have to raise this, I just don’t know how.

And I also feel if I am not making her happy, I need to be a man and give up on our marriage and just be the best father I can be for our children’s sake. She was a different person when we were separated, she seemed happy and now that I am back in her life, living together again, I just feel like I drag her down.

We went to Church yesterday and it was a lovely day, but the whole time all I was trying to do is get some sort of Divine guidance on what to do. It’s all I can think about at the moment. What do I do?

 

[mafh]

I was seriously depressed about a decade ago had similar Google searches. It doesn’t necassarily mean that she will actually attempt suicide, just that she is ruminating on death and suicide, which is very common for people with depression. I know that this is very hard for people who’ve never experienced serious depression to understand, but these kinds of thoughts are pretty much par for the course with depression. They are almost universal with the disease, after it reaches a certain level.

You should gently insist that she be evaluated by a professional – both so she can get help and because only a professional can tell whether this is just typical depressed suicide ideation, or whether she is an actual suicide risk. Her getting help is more important right now than your worries that she’ll leave you. If she seems actively suicidal, you should quietly remove from the house or lock up any possible suicide implements – knives, drugs, etc.

 

[Vertical807]

It seems as if you both have compromised with each other and need to take this back into mind. Me not being married myself, am not sure whether this advice will help you or not but you seem like you really need it.

You already believe God has offered you your perfect spouse, as you said “We have three beautiful children who absolutely adore their mother. She is a wonderful mother, a wonderful woman, and a wonderful wife.” Do not let her go then, if you don’t act upon this now you may regret the day you didn’t act and its to late. You have to be the savior of the marriage.

I suggest making your prayer life better than it has been in your entire lifetime, you both should use God as you did before as a healer. Use this as a way to keep her distracted away from these thoughts. Both of you need to grow even closer and give up your entire soul to him, all you have left in your heart. Keep going to church as you are, receive the sacraments, ask her to pray the rosary with you every night and you could even possibly do it as a family if you want to. Maybe even ask some of the saints for help.

As for lacking life luster in your relationship, my suggestion would be for you to possibly go on a family vacation back to the U.S. for a bit and maybe meet up with your old friends. Maybe go visit one of the other surrounding countries as you have Italy, France, etc. right next door. Make it a family trip! As it will bring excitement to your family! Go out and have fun! Take up a hobby you both can become really passionate about and keep it just for you two! Have your kids do something special for her!

Do not bring it up until it gets seriously bad, then I suggest bringing up the topic slowly away from the kids. You need to let her know your here for her, Gods here for her, remind her of the kids God has blessed her with! If she does not take this to heart, I suggest finding a medical counselor or possibly even speaking with a spiritual adviser for advice.

But always remember, one who becomes closer to God in times of trouble such as I did and you will be blessed by his grace and wonderful things happen! Never give up, never give in!

God bless!

 

[Lou2U]

Do not bring it up until it gets seriously bad, then I suggest bringing up the topic slowly away from the kids. You need to let her know your here for her, Gods here for her, remind her of the kids God has blessed her with! If she does not take this to heart, I suggest finding a medical counselor or possibly even speaking with a spiritual adviser for advice.

Actually, I disagree with this. IMO, with things like depression, you shouldn’t just wait for it to get worse. You don’t want to take that chance of something really bad happening and you don’t want your wife to start feeling even worse. I’m not sure she will be comforted by telling her that she has been blessed to have three children when she feels like a bad mother either. Even if she is comforted, you should still find her medical help - it will really help her.

OP, you said that you do have reason to trust her, but you went through her phone. This says that maybe your communication skills as a couple are not effective. You say you separated, and then reconciled - did you receive marriage counselling, and are you still receiving this counselling? If not, I suggest you get some to help you learn how best to communicate with your wife and vice versa.

I suggest you be completely honest with her. Tell her you’ve noticed how she’s not been feeling happy, and tell her you looked through her phone. Tell her that you want to help her and you can understand how she’s feeling. Suggest to her that she goes to a doctor and maybe suggest she goes to counselling on her own to work through her depression.

Little things you could be doing are praising her instead of nagging her. Buy her flowers, cook her favourite meal. Encourage her when she’s with the children. Tell her how much she means to you. There’s a book that people recommend about the five love languages. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do as it may help you to best convey your affections to your wife. If your wife gets overwhelmed, take the children out and give her a break. Take walks with her - exercise helps depression.

Lou

 

[EasterJoy]

I was seriously depressed about a decade ago had similar Google searches. It doesn’t necassarily mean that she will actually attempt suicide, just that she is ruminating on death and suicide, which is very common for people with depression. I know that this is very hard for people who’ve never experienced serious depression to understand, but these kinds of thoughts are pretty much par for the course with depression. They are almost universal with the disease, after it reaches a certain level.

You should gently insist that she be evaluated by a professional – both so she can get help and because only a professional can tell whether this is just typical depressed suicide ideation, or whether she is an actual suicide risk. Her getting help is more important right now than your worries that she’ll leave you. If she seems actively suicidal, you should quietly remove from the house or lock up any possible suicide implements – knives, drugs, etc.

She is an actual suicide risk. She may not think so, but she is at risk. We can see that some guy who weighs 400 lb is at risk of a heart attack or diabetes, right? Of course he is. Someone with depression and suicidal ideation is at risk for suicide. Not every instance of chest pain that feels like an elephant sitting on your chest is a heart attack, but you never ignore that.

Never ignore the symptom of suicidal ideation. This person may commit suicide. There is that risk. This person is tragically far from contentment, happiness, and peace. That much is certain. I would tell her that.

“You are a beloved wife, you are a beloved mom, and we, your family who loves you, want you to feel contented, happy, and peaceful. We need to find out how to help you to get there. Maybe I need to change. I don’t know. What I do know is that I never want to know you are feeling this down, and especially that you do not feel this down on yourself.”

I have been in this situation. Let her know that if anything ever happened to her, your children will be devastated. She must absolutely not consider letting go of her life. You can say, “I need you, too, but I know that you might not believe that. You have to believe that nothing you can do will ever make the kids not love you, want you, or need you. Nothing. We have to save you for your sake, but also for theirs. Hold on to the sure knowledge that they love you and no one can replace you.”

Insist that she go to counselling and also insist that you go to counselling yourself. Take this very seriously and leave no stone unturned to help her through this dark valley. The idea is not to find out who is to blame. That is irrelevant. The idea is to find out how to help her to see herself truly instead of through the untrue perspective that makes even the sun look dark to her.

 

[alphawoman]

EasterJoy in 100% on point. You need to have her see a psychiatrist ASAP.

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy in 100% on point. You need to have her see a psychiatrist ASAP.

This is bigger than they are. That is the main thing to impress upon her. No one ought to diagnose themselves or treat themselves when they have certain symptoms. The symptoms of clinical depression are on that list of symptoms that require professional help. Even if she never attempts suicide, her current emotional state is physically damaging, not to mention how it is robbing her of the enjoyment of her life, her children, and the other people who love her.

Do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200, do not wait. Find someone who is trained to intervene. This is like diabetes or heart disease. No one can guarantee a cure of this serious, debilitating and life-threatening condition, there is no magic pill, but recovery without professional treatment is vastly less likely than recovery with the help of professional treatment. Professional treatment does effectively lower suicide rates. It helps people get their lives back. It is worth pursuing, even without guarantees of success.

 

[Lou2U]

This is bigger than they are. That is the main thing to impress upon her. No one ought to diagnose themselves or treat themselves when they have certain symptoms. The symptoms of clinical depression are on that list of symptoms that require professional help. Even if she never attempts suicide, her current emotional state is physically damaging, not to mention how it is robbing her of the enjoyment of her life, her children, and the other people who love her.

Do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200, do not wait. Find someone who is trained to intervene. This is like diabetes or heart disease. No one can guarantee a cure of this serious, debilitating and life-threatening condition, there is no magic pill, but recovery without professional treatment is vastly less likely than recovery with the help of professional treatment. Professional treatment does effectively lower suicide rates. It helps people get their lives back. It is worth pursuing, even without guarantees of success.

Bold added by me for emphasis.

This is so important. Your wife is struggling, and it will only get worse if you wait or worry about how she will react when you tell her you looked at her phone. I want to add that if you feel as though you’re dragging her down by being with her, she’s probably getting that vibe of you and is thinking “what’s the point if my husband feels like we shouldn’t be together”. I’m not suggesting you feel this way at all, but it’s the way it’s coming across to your wife right now that really isn’t helping her.

Lou

 

[nodito]

Find the UK suicide prevention hotline and call them right now to ask for advice, and ask them to send you whatever material they have (refrigerator magnets, cards, brochures, whatever) that you can have as reference.

Pray in front of the tabernacle.

Sit down for a serious conversation with your wife.

Apologize for looking at her phone internet history.

Tell her what you found.

Tell her you love her and think she’s a wonderful mom and that the thought of her committing suicide terrifies you.

Insist, kindly, on psychiatric evaluation, family counseling, individual counseling.

Do this all ASAP.

 

[white_sheep]

You need to seek professional help immediately.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Maybe arrange for both of you to see a counselor, she might appreciate it more if you help her thruogh rather than send her to somebody…

 

[AKDee]

I think you need to gently broach the topic. I think you should tell her that you were concerned, and you checked and saw her recent search history and that you want to talk about it. You need to tell her you love her unconditionally, and express to her how much it would hurt both you and your child(ren) if she were to commit suicide. I think you should suggest counseling and be willing to do joint counseling since one of her reasons was “loveless marriage”. She definitely sounds depressed, but if there is anything you are doing or not doing that is contributing to that, you need to help her.

 

[Vertical807]

EasterJoy in 100% on point. You need to have her see a psychiatrist ASAP.

  While I agree with this, even with counseling or medication, she must overcome her contemplating thoughts about negative things. That mindset of "I see no purpose of living, there's nothing left, etc."She must concur up the strength to do it on her own, she needs to know her future is concrete, as without a future we see no reason to live. We can wallow in these thoughts or we could turn them into drive. This is where OP comes into play, he must not let her take action on those negative thoughts and intentions. As the psychiatrist won't be able to be around the household 24/7.

  I believe I suffered through this for about 2 years, I felt as if my soul were almost like glass and was hollow inside and out. I was embarrassed of even thinking about getting counseling. Mainly due to my parents usual thinking of "its all in your head, its not real or hearing the stories of greed in the medical industry. I ended up finding refuge in the realm of the internet watching motivation videos, reading books, all I could. While in this state I also started to resort back to my faith to guide me to a purpose, my prayer life became greater than ever before. I pleaded to God for help with all that was left inside. Eventually, I was granted with the chance of coming back under his light, I immediately took it and haven't looked back since. Not less than a week later, everything around me started to change for better. My mind began shifting the negative thoughts into positive things. While I may not have a full understanding of what she is feeling, I still have a gist of it. I did have one close friend that I started to lean towards for guidance as well, I wish I had someone who I could trust rather than a stranger I had never met before who I would be forced to give away my emotions to. OP has that chance.

Watch this video and see what I mean: youtube.com/watch?v=ScQ-ad9gR9M

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you need to gently broach the topic. I think you should tell her that you were concerned, and you checked and saw her recent search history and that you want to talk about it. You need to tell her you love her unconditionally, and express to her how much it would hurt both you and your child(ren) if she were to commit suicide. I think you should suggest counseling and be willing to do joint counseling since one of her reasons was “loveless marriage”. She definitely sounds depressed, but if there is anything you are doing or not doing that is contributing to that, you need to help her.

Yes. Let us say that she had changes in her breast tissue that suggested she could have breast cancer. You won’t help things by getting upset or trying to force her to do something. Having said that, this is a serious health issue, it is one of those things that we try to deny we need help with, and yet the one with the symptoms is ultimately the only one who can seek help for herself.

I would present this as a health issue, as a set of physical symptoms. It may all come from an emotional state, but there is a point where our physical apparatus breaks down and interferes with our ability to cope by sheer will power. When the day comes that suicide or just dying seems like an option that you’d even consider, that is a medical symptom. It is like a crushing chest pain: maybe nothing, not a reason to get hysterical, but nothing to ignore, nothing to cope with yourself, nothing to that can be put off.

I say this because the thinking that surrounds suicidal ideation can become habitual. The more the thinking is practiced, the more difficult it is to change it and the less it seems to be false thinking. Thinking that you are a bad person, that you are trapped, that you can’t cope, that you might be better off when you die–living with those thoughts is no way to live. Even if you never literally take your own life, those thoughts do take the life out of you.

Yes, though–you cannot help someone who feels overwhelmed and unable to cope by stampeding her in the “right direction.” She is very bruised, and needs gentle handling, and yet she also needs to be treated with the confidence that she has inner strength that she will be able to draw on, given some help.

If she will not get help, I would call a suicide hotline and ask where I can get counselling about how to handle our home situation and, to be blunt, for myself, too. This is a “family system” issue, not just her problem.

 

[lax16]

Hello everyone. I hope you’re doing well.

It has been quite some time since I visited the forum and it seems that every time I do is under challenging situations in my life.

I unfortunately don’t have a big group of friends here in the UK (I’m originally from the US) and the last time I posted on this forum it really helped in the darkest period in my life. I need advice and really this is the only place I could think of.

Recently, my wife has been showing a lot of signs that she is suffering from depression. I am not a psychiatrist so it’s not a proper diagnosis, but I know enough having suffered from depression myself to know that things are not right or okay. She has been having a hard time lately. She has been through a lot; the majority of it I believe is my fault. In a way, I feel like I have completely ruined her life and things have become too much for her. I’ve let her down.

This past Saturday she went to work and forgot her mobile phone. I think you can assume what I did. Part of me felt guilty for doing it because it was like I don’t trust her - doing something like that I feel is the signs of a paranoid spouse and I have never had reason to be that kind of person. I do trust her.

But the other part of me was absolutely devastated because of what I found. Wrongly or rightly, I decided to search her internet history. It was all there, google searches, website, etc.

• “I hate my life”
• “I don’t like being a mother”
• “hate being a mom am I bad”
• “Suicide methods”
• “What is the least painful way to die”
• “How to die peacefully”
• “I can’t cope”
• “tired of life”
• “how to die by starvation”
• “is it painful to die of starvation”
• “unhappy feel trapped”
• “How to cope with suicidal thoughts”
• “suicide by ibuprofen”
• “suicide by paracetamol”
• “I want to end my loveless marriage"

When I saw all of this my stomach churned. I don’t know what to do. I hurt my wife a lot, my first post here was about me having had an affair and destroying the lives we had built together. We separated in early 2014. Somehow, by the Grace of God, we reconciled and lived apart from over a year. But I cannot help thinking that this way she feels; all of this is still down to what I did to her. I have never forgotten what I did, it’s something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life knowing that I hurt someone so badly.

But now, knowing that this is what she is feeling, it is tearing me up inside because I don’t know how to approach her about it. I don’t want to lose my wife, I do love her, I am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused her and since we reconciled I have done all I could to be the man that she is proud to call her husband. But if I confront her with this all I can think about is that she will leave me.

At the same time, I know that it is a chance I have to take because I am afraid that if I just ignore it and her depression gets worse what’s to say she won’t act on some of these searches? We have three beautiful children who absolutely adore their mother. She is a wonderful mother, a wonderful woman, and a wonderful wife. Sometimes I give her a hard time about nagging, and now all I can feel is remorse because that too may possibly be one of the reasons she feels like this.

I feel like I am rambling at the moment, I just feel very lost in what I should do. I know I have to raise this, I just don’t know how.

And I also feel if I am not making her happy, I need to be a man and give up on our marriage and just be the best father I can be for our children’s sake. She was a different person when we were separated, she seemed happy and now that I am back in her life, living together again, I just feel like I drag her down.

We went to Church yesterday and it was a lovely day, but the whole time all I was trying to do is get some sort of Divine guidance on what to do. It’s all I can think about at the moment. What do I do?

So sorry to hear about your wife. Listen to the good advice given so far.

Is your wife away from her family and support? You mentioned you are an American living in the U.K. Being away from one’s family can be an added stress as well.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Please contact a mental health professional right away for guidance.