Wife does NOT want any help moving?

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Hi all. My wife and I are in the process of moving. We’re not moving far, only 10 minutes from where we live now. The problem I have is that my wife wants ZERO help from anyone, except from her parents. I’m not saying that her father and I can’t do it all, but it would be much easier and faster if my parents, siblings, and friends would help out as well(which they all offered). She also has uncles and cousins who also offered their services to help move. I figured if just her father and I moved everything, it would take atleast a week, where if everyone helped, we’d have it done within a few hours.

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?
 
Sounds like she may just be stressed out by the move. If you can do it without others’ help, it’s probably not worth making this a point of contention between you and your wife. She probably has enough on her plate right now (as do you).
 
joshkt79 said:
Hi all. My wife and I are in the process of moving. We’re not moving far, only 10 minutes from where we live now. The problem I have is that my wife wants ZERO help from anyone, except from her parents. I’m not saying that her father and I can’t do it all, but it would be much easier and faster if my parents, siblings, and friends would help out as well(which they all offered). She also has uncles and cousins who also offered their services to help move. I figured if just her father and I moved everything, it would take atleast a week, where if everyone helped, we’d have it done within a few hours.

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?
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Have you tried explaining to her that your parents are equally in your (collective) business as hers are?

I can understand not wanting to have extended family involved. There may be various reasons, from priorities (your priority may be to get it done ASAP, her priority may be not time but e.g. doing it on your own without depending on others; you may look equally unreasonable to her as she does to you) to some other concerns like not feeling comfortable getting help from not the closest family (from her point of view), not feeling comfortable having a lot of people involved (stress, noise, crowd, whatever–being a man myself, I can still relate to all this, maybe I’m not a great team player).
 
joshkt79 said:
Hi all. My wife and I are in the process of moving. We’re not moving far, only 10 minutes from where we live now. The problem I have is that my wife wants ZERO help from anyone, except from her parents. I’m not saying that her father and I can’t do it all, but it would be much easier and faster if my parents, siblings, and friends would help out as well(which they all offered). She also has uncles and cousins who also offered their services to help move. I figured if just her father and I moved everything, it would take at least a week, where if everyone helped, we’d have it done within a few hours.

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?
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Are your parents, siblings and friends nosy? It has been a number of years since we moved, but I had my parents help with packing. They were great. I did not have my in-laws help. I knew from experience that they would be more interest in WHAT I had than packing it up. My mother-in-law is the kind of person that will go into the master bathroom and carry something out to ask a questions about it. :eek: Never mind that she had to walk past the guest bathroom to get to the master bath.
 
I can understand your wife’s point of view and yours also.
Might I suggest you speak to your wife.We do not know the dynamics of the relationships in your family nor do we need to know.
Your wife may not want the in laws to help and would be far more comfortable keeping private all your business perhaps they make her feel uncomfortable in some way?
In any case it is not our business and you would be better discussing this privately with your wife.It does sound like there is a deeper meaning involved about relationships here.
Good luck with the move.

God bless
 
It sounds like you and FIL are physically fit?

May I make a different suggestion? That might help you both?

PACK the entire house, THEN move in ONE day. Rent a u-haul for the day.

I’ve moved my entire house this way SEVERAL times. Just me packing and DH and his very very best friend. (His wife, helped us pack one time too… she’s also a speed demon)

But I’m super organized. Room for room you pack it all up. NOW is NOT the time for sorting and making decisions. Since it’s a 10 minute moves certain things can be done cheaply, and with less perfect packing.

If it’s a few mile away move, I use LARGE trash bags to protect clothing. I pull the bag up the clothing and knot it around the hangers.

In one move, I had nearly everything unpacked as the guys unloaded it. At that time we were just a two bedroom home.

the ONLY time moving was a total nightmare was when I couldn’t get the time I needed to pack everything, and DH was so busy with work he couldn’t help much… Moving day was very disorganized. We had 4 guys total. and an hour long drive each way. With 3, yes THREE trips and huge truck. That was brutal. But still done in one day.

I’m not sure MOVERS should be “in your business” when your business is sealed in a box. Or are you talking about packing? Packing can take a few days. I personally recommend packing your own stuff. Better odds of finding things when you need them.

One time MIL unpacked several boxes of things I had packed to GET RID of. And then started decorating. Those sorts of things drove me batty when I was feeling pressed for time. My mother would have asked what to do with the box. I can see how inlaws make a person seriously UNCOMFY.
 
Is there something else going on, did she have a falling out with family members recently, or a heated discussion? I’m certain she’s stressed, but maybe there’s something else involved here. If you took a break, maybe mid-move, and took her out to breakfast, maybe she’d open up about what’s bothering you.

Hope it goes fast either way.
 
I can understand her point, if you’re not pre-packed. I hate people pawing through my stuff. People do like to do that, because I had been involved in the entertainment field, and they always like to look at objects from that time in my life.

Every time I’ve moved, I’ve packed beforehand and sealed the boxes with packing tape, and marking the destination room on the outside of the box.

As much as I hate people going through my things, I appreciate the extra muscle power available to move all those boxes and furniture. Or I hire movers, and it’s much less expensive when everything is pre-packed. Once in the new digs, I can unpack and put away at my leisure.
 
joshkt79 said:
Hi all. My wife and I are in the process of moving. We’re not moving far, only 10 minutes from where we live now. The problem I have is that my wife wants ZERO help from anyone, except from her parents. I’m not saying that her father and I can’t do it all, but it would be much easier and faster if my parents, siblings, and friends would help out as well(which they all offered). She also has uncles and cousins who also offered their services to help move. I figured if just her father and I moved everything, it would take atleast a week, where if everyone helped, we’d have it done within a few hours.

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?
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Have you considered hiring a professional moving company? Last time I moved - less than five minutes away - that’s what I did. Four movers who supplied their own boxes and packing materials had my life completely packed up and re-located in less than three hours. No dents, chips, cracks, or rips. Nothing dropped or scratched. They organized it room by room, so when I was in my new place I didn’t have to re-locate boxes or furniture. They even broke open the larger boxes (couch, chairs, etc.) so I didn’t have to wrangle with them.

Since they were strangers I was unlikely to see again, I really didn’t care if they saw my feminine products or dirty laundry.

And best part was that I ordered the services and paid in advance, on my credit card so there was a paper trail, through a dispatcher, so there were no hidden charges, haggling, or price disputes on the day of the move. All I paid after they were finished was their tip. The dispatcher even called me that afternoon just to make sure everything went smoothly.

After that experience I will never, ever, ever, ever do a DIY move again. Never.

Luna
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
After that experience I will never, ever, ever, ever do a DIY move again. Never.

Luna
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Our last move cost $7,000.00. And I did all of the packing and unpacking. I couldn’t imagine how much it would have been if they had done the packing.🤷
 
I can sympathize with you. I have a good friend who asked me to help him and his wife move twenty years ago. They had a baby, and i was the only one they asked.

I have helped many people move over the years - and this was the worst. Since i was there, i wanted to get as much done as soon as possible. I am far bigger and stronger than my friend - and his wife is tiny. I worked for over 12 hours that day, and i wanted to get as much in his house before i went to bed.

When i moved from an apartment into my house, i had lots of helpers. The entire move was done in less than 2 hours. (And i had a lot of stuff that i accumulated over the years).

If you wife is afraid of invasion of privacy, i recommend that you move a couple of carloads of things ahead of time. (or at least box things that are private things away from the other items to be moved). Set up a room in your current home to put anything that you will move separately. Maybe she will feel comfortable if she can set aside anything that she wants. Put a special mark on the boxes to indicate that they need to be moved ahead of time by you.

If your wife is afraid that you have too many valuable items that will be mishandled, you could also separate those items.

If your wife is afraid that she will be indebted to people so she will end up paying for this free move for years, then I don’t know how to handle that.

In my younger years, i have helped dozens of people move. I enjoyed helping. It was kind of like a party for a group of us. Generally it was done on a Saturday morning. The people to move offered donuts, coffee and perhaps pizza, soda and beer after the move. With a big group, it was always done efficiently. Different people did what they could. From organizing the packing of the truck, to cleaning, to cooking, or setting up things (like the bed). Almost all moves were done in a few hours.
 
Between this post and the other one, it seems you and your wife need some work on communication AND compromise. Might I suggest instead of posting here, you sit down and talk with her about this and come to some mutual understanding.
 
Your wife could have a lot of reasons for not wanting additional people to help, but you should discuss that with her. I don’t think my MIL and I could have both survived a move. We lived in different cities, so it wasn’t a problem.

When my sister moved, she had a company pack for her. They packed everything from fine china to broken plastic forks. When we started unpacking, I tried to throw away some broken plastic utensils and her MIL flipped…“it wasn’t my place” to decide what to keep or toss. I ended up watching the little kids people brought with them while others unpacked. There were plenty of other relatives who would have met with foul play if they were trying to help me move; a couple of aunts come to mind quickly.

Maybe she just wants to be in control of her own move.

And at the same time, maybe she doesn’t realize how much harder it will be on you and her father to do it alone.

I think a good heart to heart talk without accusations or recriminations is in order. You start by agreeing that you both get to say what you want and need, and nobody gets mad at each other.
 
Have you asked her to ask her father if perhaps he would like some help? He might not be too thrilled to find his sweet daughter decided to presume upon his willingness to do five times as much lifting because she doesn’t want anyone to see how or what she packs.

This would be a good time to say, “I would like the help. I would also like to not put so much on your dad if it isn’t necessary. If it is really important to you that we not have any help, though, I’ll go along with it if your dad is OK with you turning down the other offers. If you’d pick a few of my relatives that could do some of the lifting, though, that’s a bit less that your dad and I will have to do, that’s all I’m saying.”

After you’ve made your case, consider that this might be one of those times where you can give in to her. I hope it isn’t the first, and it certainly ought not be the last.
 
I am TOTALLY there with her!!! I love my family and friends - I just do NOT want people that deep into my personal life. I have nothing to hide, no weird fetishes or anything, no stolen merchandise, no double life. I just don’t want someone I know pawing through my personal belongings.

I would totally hire movers - not a problem in the world with that. But family/friends - no way.

And knowing my husband, I think he would be totally ok with that. He’s all about “hire a professional” when it comes to a job like that anyway.

~Liza
 
lizaanne said:
I am TOTALLY there with her!!! I love my family and friends - I just do NOT want people that deep into my personal life. I have nothing to hide, no weird fetishes or anything, no stolen merchandise, no double life. I just don’t want someone I know pawing through my personal belongings.

I would totally hire movers - not a problem in the world with that. But family/friends - no way.

And knowing my husband, I think he would be totally ok with that. He’s all about “hire a professional” when it comes to a job like that anyway.

~Liza
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I felt that way until the movers stole all the Henckel knives we got as wedding presents, and broke our kitchen table…all of which the moving company was grudgingly willing to reimburse based on weight. We had little choice but to use movers at the time, but that and the similar experiences of friends was enough to sour me on “the professionals”. :mad:
 
joshkt79 said:
Hi all. My wife and I are in the process of moving. We’re not moving far, only 10 minutes from where we live now. The problem I have is that my wife wants ZERO help from anyone, except from her parents. I’m not saying that her father and I can’t do it all, but it would be much easier and faster if my parents, siblings, and friends would help out as well(which they all offered). She also has uncles and cousins who also offered their services to help move. I figured if just her father and I moved everything, it would take atleast a week, where if everyone helped, we’d have it done within a few hours.

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?
Click to expand...
Pack first and then move. We have 3 kids and I am a moving expert. 1 u haul, 1 day. guaranteed. Beds set up, and appliances working. I actually prefer not to have help. It is just easier for me to do it with maybe one freind where I am the boss rather than having 10 idiots trying to run the show expecting six packs of beer!😃
 
joshkt79 said:
Hi all. My wife and I are in the process of moving. We’re not moving far, only 10 minutes from where we live now. The problem I have is that my wife wants ZERO help from anyone, except from her parents. I’m not saying that her father and I can’t do it all, but it would be much easier and faster if my parents, siblings, and friends would help out as well(which they all offered). She also has uncles and cousins who also offered their services to help move. I figured if just her father and I moved everything, it would take atleast a week, where if everyone helped, we’d have it done within a few hours.

The problem she has is that she “doesn’t want anyone in our business”. I tried mentioning to her that these people are trying to help us. I don’t know how else to approach this. Any ideas?
Click to expand...
She doesn’t want anyone in your business, but her parents are the exception (to the exclusion of your parents, might I add). Frankly, I would take issue with this. Have you brought this up.

As an aside, my family moved 2 years ago, like you, a very short distance. We used a professional moving company. This probably saved A LOT of headaches and arguing. I would strongly recommend this option, especially if she is stressed out with the move.

By the way, I read somewhere that, after death in the family, moves are the most stressful things to deal with.
 
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