Wife had rough 4th pregnancy, doesn't trust NFP going forward

[borgman151]

We have been married for 6 years, and we have 4 children with the newest being born the 6th of this month. The latest pregnancy was not smooth for my wife. She had multiple scares with heart arrhythmia during pregnancy and the day of birth she had a seizure in which I was a whiteness as well as my children.

Everything worked out thank God and after a emergency trip to the hospital our newest addition arrived healthy, and so is mother. All medical tests done could not determine the cause of the seizure and it was determined to be pregnancy related.

Everything is going back to normal (as normal as a household of 6 can be) and me and my wife had a conversation in which she confided in me that she was no longer comfortable using NFP and wished to use something more, artificial contraception.

We are both Catholic and she knows that this is nor permissible as do I, however she is understandably scared for her life regarding further pregnancies.

In the past we have been practicing one sided NFP (which really isn’t NFP because both have to be involved) and I asked her to give it another chance and to get involved this time. Unfortunately since the experience is so soon and it may be due to some post partum depression she is unwilling to give this a chance.

I have told her that I would not seek marital relations until she was comfortable with taking an NFP course and understanding fully what is done. I also told her we have legitimate grounds to avoid pregnancy due to her previous experiences, however this does not seem to persuade her.

Oh, as a side note: her side of the family is part catholic part non-practicing catholic and their catechesis is shaky at best so the advice they give is undermining mine.

Two questions:

1. What, if any advice or information can I give her regarding this issue and potential understandable phobia
2. I think I am capable of living a celibate life but I know our vows said differently. Any advice…counseling or should I let this roll for a few months to let her heal both physically and emotionally?

 

[underacloud]

My personal suggestions are:

A) educate yourself thoroughly in the various NFP models, their effectiveness, and their required abstinence days. In particular you might need to look at very a conservative approach of waiting until phase 3 (post-ovulation) as it is much safer, regardless of the specific model.

B) avoid ultimatums and/or withholding sex. It is not morally required and may (for many couples) be damaging to the marriage. If you are uncomfortable with this you should discuss with a priest (one who properly understands Catholix sexual ethics of course).

 

[pensmama87]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! So sorry that you had a scare with your wife, that must have been awful.

Your newborn is only two weeks old, and your wife not only had a difficult pregnancy but had a seizure at the end so she is probably scared out of her mind at this point.

You are a good husband to want to take the lead here spiritually and keep your family on the right path. I would go easy for now though, the approach would be a loving one until your wife heals a bit more. Show her love and support as much as you can. Marital lovemaking usually has to wait a bit anyway after the birth of a baby so you can give this time. If she brings it up tell her you are praying and you love her very much.

Statistically: if pregnancy is her fear, NFP (done well) is better than artificial birth control anyway so it’s better all around! However now may not be the time to give her those statistics she might not be open to them. Please be assured of my prayers for your marriage and family.

This!

Give her some time to recover, don’t push her on sex, and offer as much support as you can.

 

[aicirt]

The baby isn’t even a month old. Your wife needs to recover. I would abstain from sex for a while like the next three months and revisit this topic after your wife has had a complete physical, gets the family on some sort of schedule, and has had some time to relax. Can you afford help? Get someone in to do the housework. Arrange for a relative to sit the kids so you can go out once a week?

 

[Xantippe]

The baby isn’t even a month old. Your wife needs to recover. I would abstain from sex for a while like the next three months and revisit this topic after your wife has had a complete physical, gets the family on some sort of schedule, and has had some time to relax. Can you afford help? Get someone in to do the housework. Arrange for a relative to sit the kids so you can go out once a week?

Yes.

 

[SuperHappy]

Congratulations on your new little one!

My advice is that you should give your wife a little time to get past the trauma and fear that this pregnancy as put on her and you should also be doing everything you can to support her, especially if you suspect post-partum depression. Make sure she has the proper support and professional care and other things will fall into place.

Pray for your wife and remember that you aren’t the one whose body physically suffered this trauma. Your wife is probably thinking of a million things including what will happen to your other children if something happens to her. Show her you love her with your words and deeds. Revisit the discussion once her body has healed from this. Give her a break, really.

 

[veilofveronica]

I can relate.

We have one child, and my pregnancy was a medical nightmare (for me, baby was/is fine) and I had severe postpartum depression.

I admit that I did use an IUD afterwards and after much prayer, decided to go the NFP route, I was told by a couple of priests to follow my own conscience and doctor’s advice, and my conscience didn’t allow me to continue with the IUD.

I would suggest that once she recovers, the two of you talk to your parish priest. He can surely help. NFP when practiced faithfully has a very high success rate of avoiding or achieving pregnancy (depending on your desires)…maybe the two of you could attend an NFP course to put her mind at ease.

Prayers for you both. I prayed to St.Gianna Beretta Molla about this issue and feel very comfortable going forward. I would suggest that when she sees her doctor, she’s well informed about NFP etc as many push artificial birth control.

 

[borgman151]

The baby isn’t even a month old. Your wife needs to recover. I would abstain from sex for a while like the next three months and revisit this topic after your wife has had a complete physical, gets the family on some sort of schedule, and has had some time to relax. Can you afford help? Get someone in to do the housework. Arrange for a relative to sit the kids so you can go out once a week?

Thank you all for the reply’s. My intent was not to give the impression that I wanted to continue marital relations right away and I am well aware of wait periods after birth (this being our 4th after all). My concern was for the ultimatum my wife sent my way regarding future relations.

I accept the advice to let things get back to normal and allow time. I will also look to my pastor for spiritual advice.

God bless

 

[twf]

I would talk it through with a priest, but definitely don’t bring the topic up with your wife for some time. After the birth of our baby we abstained for at least 3 or 4 months… And the very topic of NFP etc at that time would have led to a lot of grief on my wife’s part at the time.
If, after a suitable period, you talk it through and she’s still adamant that she wants to use birth control, you can’t stop her. You do not sin by having relations with her in such a scenario. Withholding relations would be very damaging to the marriage. Of course you yourself can’t directly participate in her contraception, but if it is something she is doing to herself, it’s out of your hands.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I am expecting my 8th child.After EVERY birth I simply cannot fathom ever having another child. It is early.Give you wife time to heal.

 

[Anglewannabe]

In the past we have been practicing one sided NFP (which really isn’t NFP because both have to be involved) and I asked her to give it another chance and to get involved this time.

ok, I have never been married but from where I am sitting it appears you are saying you are doing all the work required for NFP. How is it possible that the husband be the one to do it? If that is the case, I can’t help but think no wonder NFP failed.

I also told her we have legitimate grounds to avoid pregnancy due to her previous experiences, however this does not seem to persuade her.

umm… that’s just encouraging ABC

Oh, as a side note: her side of the family is part catholic part non-practicing catholic and their catechesis is shaky at best so the advice they give is undermining mine.

Ouch ! this is the tricky one. I think it is highly inappropriate that she discuss such personal details of you private life with her family. I think this in itself is something that needs to be addresses