Wife hanging with other men/husbands?

[ChristRocket]

My wife has always enjoyed having male friends since we were in high school and tends to get along with men more then women, so these are the friends she associates with.

Recently, she’s brought to mind the idea of hanging out with men in the same way she would hang out with women. She makes the claim that it is no different than hanging with a girlfriend. She does say that she would only hang out with a man if he was married. Generally, going to lunch or coffee or something. But she says that there should be no difference in her having a girls night out with her girlfriends or with a guy.

I’m really uncomfortable with it. She makes it seem as if though I’m being sexist about it because she says “there should be no difference,” but I feel like there is. It’s a tempting situation in my opinion and I would never hang with a woman (Married or not) with just her and myself.

I can usually explain how/why something is wrong with words and I can usually express them quite well. I can’t think of any other logical explanation for this one except that it feels awkward and just naturally wrong. I would expect my wife to not do it just to respect my feelings, but I don’t want to make an argument.

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanks

 

[Convert_in_99]

If you are uncomfortable with it, and I understand perfectly why you are, she should respect your wishes. My husband works with a lot of women and so he has made a few women friends. I don’t mind him having these friends at work, or getting together for business lunches and such, but one day he asked to hang out with one outside of work, just for fun so not like it was for work. I said I was uncomfortable with that and so he has respected that wish of mine and keeps them as work only friends. Your wife should respect these wishes of yours, they are not out of line at all.

 

[Xantippe]

You’d never have a solo work lunch or networking coffee with a woman?

Isn’t that rather professionally limiting for you? (But, I suppose it depends on your profession.)

My wife has always enjoyed having male friends since we were in high school and tends to get along with men more then women, so these are the friends she associates with.

Recently, she’s brought to mind the idea of hanging out with men in the same way she would hang out with women. She makes the claim that it is no different than hanging with a girlfriend. She does say that she would only hang out with a man if he was married. Generally, going to lunch or coffee or something. But she says that there should be no difference in her having a girls night out with her girlfriends or with a guy.

I’m really uncomfortable with it. She makes it seem as if though I’m being sexist about it because she says “there should be no difference,” but I feel like there is. It’s a tempting situation in my opinion and I would never hang with a woman (Married or not) with just her and myself.

I can usually explain how/why something is wrong with words and I can usually express them quite well. I can’t think of any other logical explanation for this one except that it feels awkward and just naturally wrong. I would expect my wife to not do it just to respect my feelings, but I don’t want to make an argument.

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanks

 

[Xantippe]

If you are uncomfortable with it, and I understand perfectly why you are, she should respect your wishes. My husband works with a lot of women and so he has made a few woman friends. I don’t mind him having these friends at work, or getting together for business lunches and such, but one day he asked to hang out with one outside of work, just for fun so not like it was for work. I said I was uncomfortable with that and so he has respected that wish of mine and keeps them as work only friends. Your wife should respect these wishes of you, they are not out of line at all.

That’s a very reasonable boundary.

 

[OraLabora]

I’m male and I won’t as a rule have lunch with women alone in a social context.

But for professional networking it’s another issue. Last such lunch I had, an ex-colleague had just lost her job and was asking for advice for her CV, and wanted help translating it into English. Soon after our lunch, my ex-colleague’s husband asked to link up with me on LinkedIn and it turns out it was to look at my profile and offer me a translating gig.

In any event I’m fast approaching the age where I’ll be harmless around women

But I can understand the OP’s discomfort at least in a social context. It’s called “avoiding occasions of sin”.

 

[ChristRocket]

You’d never have a solo work lunch or networking coffee with a woman?

Isn’t that rather professionally limiting for you? (But, I suppose it depends on your profession.)

Work or networking to me is not an issue. It’s the outside of work events that would bug me. If it’s professional, it’s professional, but outside of work for fun?

Again, why it would bug me or make me feel different than if she were to hang out outside of work with a woman, I can’t put into words, but it is definitely uncomfortable.

 

[E_7]

Do not be afraid of discussing this. You need to communicate well your thoughts and feelings to your beloved wife. Get to an agreement or compromise.

Communication in marriage is like a life giving river. When husband and wife cannot communicate, a huge dam is built stopping the flow of water. This causes everything around them to suffer and slowly die. Seeds that were once planted cannot grow and both spouses develop a strong inward thirst for their unmet needs, eventually causing multiple cracks throughout the relationship. Many promising marriages have fallen into ruin simply because of a lack of communication.For the most part, communication breaks down when people fail to adequately say what and how they feel in a non-threatening manner. If we were all completely honest, which of course means being vulnerable, the majority of arguments and conflicts would not occur.

Reference.

Well, not only my hubby will disapprove of me having male friends (married or not), but he will prohibit it. And vice versa. We only agreed to have married couples friends as a couple ( common friends). The only male friend I’m allowed to talk to is another man close to my age that I met also in CAF who is currently in college and single. Our friendship was rooted in God from the very beginning (this was before meeting my hubby in CAF too), and my husband has access to my Skype where I only communicate with this other man. He knows I can’t give up friendships rooted in God, and he respects that. A few times hubby gave encouraging words (through me) to him on things regarding college. I’m open with dear hubby for everything.

Another thing, my husband respects our agreement to keep things professional at work regarding female co-workers and to never let it go personal. Friendship with female co-workers is a no-no.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Work or networking to me is not an issue. It’s the outside of work events that would bug me. If it’s professional, it’s professional, but outside of work for fun?

Again, why it would bug me or make me feel different than if she were to hang out outside of work with a woman, I can’t put into words, but it is definitely uncomfortable.

You have a right to feel uncomfortable. Your wife is YOUR wife, not someone else’s. You have a rightful jealousy over her within reason, and hanging with a member of the opposite sex just for fun when you are married is certainly within reason. I can also understand feelings of “Why don’t you like to hang out with ME like a friend. Why is this guy more fufilling to you then me? What am I lacking as a husband, as a friend?” This is all in line with reasonable jealousy.

Your wife is setting herself in the danger of having an emotional affair. You need to seek counseling to help you sort through all of this. That’s the best remedy for this. If your not doing your part of being a loving, romantic husband and engaging in frequent meaningful conversation with her, then start doing that now. If you are and she still resists then seek marriage counseling.

 

[E_7]

You have a right to feel uncomfortable. Your wife is YOUR wife, not someone else’s. You have a rightful jealousy over her within reason, and hanging with a member of the opposite sex just for fun when you are married is certainly within reason. I can also understand feelings of “Why don’t you like to hang out with ME like a friend. Why is this guy more fufilling to you then me? What am I lacking as a husband, as a friend?” This is all in line with reasonable jealousy.

Your wife is setting herself in the danger of having an emotional affair. You need to seek counseling to help you sort through all of this. That’s the best remedy for this. If your not doing your part of being a loving, romantic husband and engaging in frequent meaningful conversation with her, then start doing that now. If you are and she still resists then seek marriage counseling.

I couldn’t agree more with you. I second this!

 

[GreyWings]

My wife has always enjoyed having male friends since we were in high school and tends to get along with men more then women, so these are the friends she associates with.

Recently, she’s brought to mind the idea of hanging out with men in the same way she would hang out with women. She makes the claim that it is no different than hanging with a girlfriend. She does say that she would only hang out with a man if he was married. Generally, going to lunch or coffee or something. But she says that there should be no difference in her having a girls night out with her girlfriends or with a guy.

I’m really uncomfortable with it. She makes it seem as if though I’m being sexist about it because she says “there should be no difference,” but I feel like there is. It’s a tempting situation in my opinion and I would never hang with a woman (Married or not) with just her and myself.

I can usually explain how/why something is wrong with words and I can usually express them quite well. I can’t think of any other logical explanation for this one except that it feels awkward and just naturally wrong. I would expect my wife to not do it just to respect my feelings, but I don’t want to make an argument.

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanks

I have a strictly platonic male friend from church and he is “friendzoned” - meaning I am not attracted to him whatsoever, but he is a good person and I’m actually trying to set him up with another girl from church. There is absolutely no attraction for him whatsoever - and never would be, he is not my type and I don’t find him attractive at all - so it is a safe friendship. I always tell my boyfriend if my friend is joining for church and when we have hung out. We hung out once outside of church and my brother joined. If my boyfriend and I marry, I will probably communicate much less with any male friends out of respect for my husband, period.

She is married to YOU and she shouldn’t be hanging with these guys. You are her husband, you’re uncomfortable with it, so she needs to limit these friendships or end them altogether.

Sure, she simply may not be attracted to these guys and “friendzoned” them but I do think hanging out with them all the time is a unsettling and also inappropriate as a married woman.

 

[1ke]

there should be no difference

Yes, today’s culture wants people to believe that there is no difference. But, you are correct, there certainly is.

A married woman or man spending time alone with the opposite sex is a serious lack of prudence. We are to cultivate virtue in all we do.

 

[E_7]

Yes, today’s culture wants people to believe that there is no difference. But, you are correct, there certainly is.

A married woman or man spending time alone with the opposite sex is a serious lack of prudence. We are to cultivate virtue in all we do.

 

[Anna_jane]

Whether or not she thinks there " should be" no difference between men and women friends, the fact of the matter is that there IS a difference. It can be very easy to slide into emotional and physical affairs, fooling ourselves that it’s all fine and platonic right up the point where it isn’t. And it does no good at all to only go out with married men. Then you run the risk of breaking up not one but two marriages.

 

[E_7]

It probably makes you uncomfortable because it should. When a person gets together with another person socially as friend alone, it is an INTIMATE gathering. Not even a sexual gathering but an intimate gathering nonetheless. Telling jokes, laughing, sharing stories and having fun together over dinner this is what bonds friends and brings them close together it is a type of intimacy. It is a good and wonderful thing really and a gift from God!

Right now her opposite sex intimate interactions should be with you only. That is what marriage is. Having good female friends is a good thing, and sharing things with other couples together or friends with the two of you together is also a good thing! However getting together with other men only is not healthy for your marriage in the long run. That doesn’t mean if she happens to run into someone she knows at the grocery store that she has to run in the opposite direction. This happens to me all the time and it is nice to stop and chat to my friends husbands’ for a few minutes, but I would never meet them for dinner.

You mention that your wife wants to get together with married men only. Funny but I wonder how their wives would feel about it? Has she asked them already or is this just something she is thinking about?

Bottom line here is your marriage and your relationship. Even if your wife agrees not to go on these outings I think there may be deeper issues here. Is your wife lonely? Is she bored and unsettled? It might be good for you to pray about this a lot and see if perhaps there is something lacking in your marriage that you can put a little more energy or effort into to help. Please be assured of my prayers. God bless.

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t think it’s appropriate. I think that sometimes things that start out harmlessly as “just friends” can progress to an emotional level (even if not physical) that’s not appropriate for people who are married. My husband would actually disagree with me, but because of how I feel he does not go out with female friends outside of a professional context.

I wouldn’t mind if he spent time with a group of men and women by himself, especially if I had been invited and couldn’t go. But alone with another woman, no.

 

[St_Francis]

Whatever effect this may have on your wife, the chance that the man or men she is hanging out with might end up with the wrong impression is very high. She should avoid doing this sort of thing for that reason alone.

 

[Kelfa28]

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones and are probably more common because it’s easier to establish and justify something that isn’t sexual.

Work relationships…well, strictly professional ones…are one thing (most affairs start in the work place, unfortunately) but going on a business lunch or having to work with the opposite sex regularly comes with the territory of being employed.

Personal, one on one, relationships with the opposite sex, when one is married, is a no-go for me…unless he/she is a friend of the marriage and you go on outings together (preferably with spouses).

You wife doesn’t get what marriage includes. An emotional bond between a man and a woman is for marriage. It’s a package deal. You just can’t set up emotional bonds with other men besides your husband.

There is no such thing as a platonic friendship between the opposite sexes…I truly believe this. Someone is bound to cross the line eventually…or at least want to cross the line.

If my husband were doing something like this I would tell him flat out…I didn’t approve at all and it is hurting our marriage.

I have friends who are male and he has friends who are female but we never hang out with these friends on our own…especially not one on one.

 

[angell1]

I just have such a hard time believing that males and females can’t have platonic friendships.

I can understand that it does not work for everyone but to say that your husband is the male you should have any kind of connection with, is a bit ridiculous to me.

but then again, maybe you guys will just tell me that I’m affected by the culture.

of course, there need to be boundaries, would you be welcome to come along? is she spending more time with them than with you?

I don’t know, I generally get along better with guys too, just because I’m usually not interested in the stuff girls want to do. shopping, makeup, ETC. and because of my disability, I have enough time making friends as it is, I just don’t believe thaht I should ignore half the population because “it might look bad”

but if you are uncomfortable, you should tell her

 

[St_Francis]

My wife has always enjoyed having male friends since we were in high school and tends to get along with men more then women, so these are the friends she associates with.

Recently, she’s brought to mind the idea of hanging out with men in the same way she would hang out with women. **She makes the claim that it is no different than hanging with a girlfriend. **She does say that she would only hang out with a man if he was married. Generally, going to lunch or coffee or something. But she says that there should be no difference in her having a girls night out with her girlfriends or with a guy.

I’m really uncomfortable with it. She makes it seem as if though I’m being sexist about it because she says “there should be no difference,” but I feel like there is. It’s a tempting situation in my opinion and I would never hang with a woman (Married or not) with just her and myself.

I can usually explain how/why something is wrong with words and I can usually express them quite well. I can’t think of any other logical explanation for this one except that it feels awkward and just naturally wrong. I would expect my wife to not do it just to respect my feelings, but I don’t want to make an argument.

Any advice would be well appreciated.

Thanks

If there is no difference, then why is she more likely to chose a man as a friend than a woman? Obviously there *is *a difference

 

[jtauke]

Marriage is built on trust right? Maybe people should trust their spouses to not cheat on them…even if they have friends of the opposite sex.

If all it takes for you to cheat on your husband or wife is being alone with a member of the opposite sex…you’ve probably made a terrible mistake in getting married.