My wife has always enjoyed having male friends since we were in high school and tends to get along with men more then women, so these are the friends she associates with.
Recently, she’s brought to mind the idea of hanging out with men in the same way she would hang out with women. She makes the claim that it is no different than hanging with a girlfriend. She does say that she would only hang out with a man if he was married. Generally, going to lunch or coffee or something. But she says that there should be no difference in her having a girls night out with her girlfriends or with a guy.
I’m really uncomfortable with it. She makes it seem as if though I’m being sexist about it because she says “there should be no difference,” but I feel like there is. It’s a tempting situation in my opinion and I would never hang with a woman (Married or not) with just her and myself.
I can usually explain how/why something is wrong with words and I can usually express them quite well. I can’t think of any other logical explanation for this one except that it feels awkward and just naturally wrong. I would expect my wife to not do it just to respect my feelings, but I don’t want to make an argument.
Any advice would be well appreciated.
Thanks
It seems to me you’re arguing from the position that:
- it’s a temptation for two people of the opposite sex to spend a lot of time alone; and/or
- if not a temptation leading towards physical or mental adultery, then it is perhaps of itself a certain kind of intimacy that shouldn’t really be shared with anybody else than one’s spouse.
On the other hand, your wife is arguing from the positions that:
- (at least by implication, as the necessary first step in this logic) it isn’t necessarily sexual or sexually charged just because of the different sexes; and
- if it isn’t sexual (or leading towards it), then it isn’t sexual, and there’s little else to say, especially considering that:
- if sexuality isn’t an issue, then it doesn’t really matter which sex the other person is.
Both of you are making a logical argument that can’t be dismissed outright.
On the one hand, emotional, psychic, mental, intellectual etc. intimacy should not be discounted either 1. in itself or 2. as a force potentially leading to sexual intimacy in a moment of weakness. People who ignore this danger may be making themselves more vulnerable to it.
On the other hand, where there really is no sexual interplay, the sexes don’t matter, and a friend is just a friend. At least as long as one’s investment in the friendship doesn’t deplete the resources that should belong to the marriage rather. In which case the friend’s sex still wouldn’t really matter, or even whether it was a friendship with another human being or a solitary hobby like reading or listening to the music or some kind of sport.
One exception perhaps is when a non-sexual relationship between a man and a woman (or even same-sex if attracted) becomes something close to that platonic relationship with sublimated feelings/attraction, which can’t be called sexual, probably not even erotic really (though who knows), but there’s still a huge element of male-and-female complementarity, with notions of exclusiveness. And that sort of thing wouldn’t be right for a married person to indulge in. Because it would be like having some sort of a ‘spiritual marriage’ competing with one’s marriage.
If this is your problem, then perhaps you could explain to your wife that you aren’t jealous about friends per se, and that you don’t imply that she would be unable to resist a temptation to just cheat on you, but that you’re simply afraid of the ‘creeping’ (initially invisible, sunbconscious, but growing and eventually coming out of the closet and striking in force, like in emotional affairs) effect of romanticized friendships, platonic relationships etc., i.e. those that aren’t sexual but still rely on the complementarity and mutual attractiveness/fascination of the sexes, even on an intellectual level. In other words, that you don’t want to lose her on a spiritual, emotional or intellectual level, either, not only sexual and physical.
On the other hand, if there’s no such danger, if it really is simply the matter of getting along better with the opposite sex in terms of friendship and there are no dangers of inappropriate, harmful intimacy associated with that, then you probably shouldn’t be putting pressure on her freedom to spend time with her friends.
(Which doesn’t mean that she has a licence to ignore your feelings, even your insecurities. As you’re married, you kinda don’t have each his/her own problems but all problems belong to the both of you to deal with, neither of you can just say ‘deal with it’ — but this also includes you versus her need for friendship, not only her versus your need for security and honour.)
Edit: Not meaning to sound like I’m lecturing or preaching or something, just tackling the issue analytically, so it may sound a little like arrogance in the end result.
