Wife Has Given Up - Part 2

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tucdoc said:
My wife has become emtionally distant after finally telling me she has been unhappy for years. This despite having a comfortable lifestyle and two beautiful healthy children. In fact, she has new “friends” (males) who I believe are meeting her emotional needs. Baseball is her passion and she met these “friends” at games she went to on her own. It has gotten to the point where we cannot go out to dinner, but she has tried to have dinner with these “friends”. I told her no, and she was very upset. She sees no problem with them, I accuse her of being in a fog. She won’t let me hug or kiss her. I’m concerned that her lack of love in the home is starting to affect the children. I will not move out. It’s just hard to see how the marriage can last if she refuses to put any effort into it and refuses to go to counseling.😦
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Serap said:
yeah…read “Wife Has Given Up” thread. He gives both sides best he can.
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I agree, but I don’t think that’s the purpose of the thread. He is seeking Catholic support. We are not counselors. He already goes to a professional counselor.
 
Tuc,

I have been reading since the beginning and may have asked this before. I don’t recall, though. Has your wife’s spending habits gotten worse as time has gone on?

I remember thinking that she appears to have little concept of her income being cut should something happen to your job. And I believe you told me you were reluctant to reign her in because of the negative impact it may have on your children (she will further poison them against you).

I now think that no matter what you do, aside from giving her unlimited funds, which is totally unrealistic, she will feed some sort of negativeness to your kids. In a way, she already is because they are learning terrible financial lessons by watching her behavior. She may be too far gone with her habits, but it’s not too late for your kids to learn.

Gosh, this has to be tough. I can’t say that I understand her mentality, as it is quite foreign to me. I just feel blessed when my husband learns he’s employed for another three months.
 
It may be winding down. My wife is now agreeing on most of the proposals, including the amount and duration of the alimony. She will keep the house, and I will keep my retirement and what is left of the cash from the sale of our practice and building. It is still frustrating that she is entitled to half of the proceeds from the sale of our practice and building to the hospital without having worked one day as a physician, but so be it. She will now have to budget, something she always took offense to.

90Domer, I’ve been thinking about the kids this entire time. I left the house because I did not want them to think that two people who live together without communicating, with one giving scowls of contempt to the other, is a marriage. I have to rebuild my life, and my wife will be on a fixed budget. Thus, neither of us will be generous with material things for the kids, which is a good thing. Also, they have never lived in an apartment (well, son did until age 6 months). Seeing how “the other half” lives (the apartment complex is next to one of the finer resorts in town) is a good thing for them too. They are spoiled and weren’t being prepared to become independent adults. I hope they will be now.

I still don’t want this divorce, but my wife doesn’t want to reconcile. I offer words of comfort, and her responses are criticisms and demands for money. It was never enough. A marriage isn’t about appeasement, but rather shared goals and values. I thought we had that.
 
tucdoc said:
It may be winding down. My wife is now agreeing on most of the proposals, including the amount and duration of the alimony. She will keep the house, and I will keep my retirement and what is left of the cash from the sale of our practice and building. It is still frustrating that she is entitled to half of the proceeds from the sale of our practice and building to the hospital without having worked one day as a physician, but so be it. She will now have to budget, something she always took offense to.

90Domer, I’ve been thinking about the kids this entire time. I left the house because I did not want them to think that two people who live together without communicating, with one giving scowls of contempt to the other, is a marriage. I have to rebuild my life, and my wife will be on a fixed budget. Thus, neither of us will be generous with material things for the kids, which is a good thing. Also, they have never lived in an apartment (well, son did until age 6 months). Seeing how “the other half” lives (the apartment complex is next to one of the finer resorts in town) is a good thing for them too. They are spoiled and weren’t being prepared to become independent adults. I hope they will be now.

I still don’t want this divorce, but my wife doesn’t want to reconcile. I offer words of comfort, and her responses are criticisms and demands for money. It was never enough. A marriage isn’t about appeasement, but rather shared goals and values. I thought we had that.
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While I’m sorry your marriage is ending, I am happy you have agreements. You will never get “over” it, but now you are getting “through” it.

Keep praying. As one poster noted, there are many who reconciled after divorce. They find their single lives aren’t as great as they thought they would be.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that for me it was not about losing the person that he was - it was about losing the person that I thought I had married. It was also about losing my vocation. I still love the person that I thought he was and realize that there is strength in that as it gives me the ability to truly forgive. I wish you God’s peace as you go forward.
 
TucDoc,
Stay strong and keep praying.

You are not alone. Many people have suffered the pains of marrying people who were not honest with love. Some of us know how you feel.
 
My wife will now have to live on a fixed income. Admittedly, with the alimony and child support, she will be getting six-figures a year. Nevertheless, this will not be enough for her, given her spending habits. I dread her constantly demanding more money, and how she is turning the kids against me because I don’t give in to her demands. I have to rebuild my life and find a permanent home. I know I need to be strong and say “no” to her demands. I suspect that was the problem in the marriage, that I did not maintain good boundaries when it came to finances. I don’t feel I’m being greedy or selfish, so why is this so hard for me?
 
Tuc,

I apologize if I didn’t make myself clear. What I was trying to say is that I feel your wife would find another subject to be nasty about to the kids. So, in not putting your foot down, I don’t think you’d have saved yourself any grief. I just think the grief would be displayed in other areas.

I think it is great that your kids will see your wife live within her means. And I would still reason that your earning potential may go down in the future because insurance reimbursements are on the decline. It is sad that your wife cannot appreciate all she has. Hopefully, she will someday, but it won’t be without kicking and screaming, I’m sure.

I hope that you can start to put this chapter of your life behind you. Perhaps working on tactics with your therapist to deal with the inevitable begging for money may be worth it. I hate to ask this, but does she have any skills that would allow her to get a part-time job to she could earn spending money herself.

Stay strong.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife will now have to live on a fixed income. Admittedly, with the alimony and child support, she will be getting six-figures a year. Nevertheless, this will not be enough for her, given her spending habits. I dread her constantly demanding more money, and how she is turning the kids against me because I don’t give in to her demands. I have to rebuild my life and find a permanent home. I know I need to be strong and say “no” to her demands. I suspect that was the problem in the marriage, that I did not maintain good boundaries when it came to finances. I don’t feel I’m being greedy or selfish, so why is this so hard for me?
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Because you love your wife and your marriage vows meant something. It is nothing to be sorry for or ashamed of. The sooner you admit these feelings the sooner you can work through them. God bless.
 
Joan,

Very well stated. Tuc obviously still loves his wife. I wish she could see that.
 
90Domer said:
Joan,

Very well stated. Tuc obviously still loves his wife. I wish she could see that.
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I had someone point that out to me about a month after my divorce was final. I was upset because I loved him. He moved on because he never cared. It was that simple. Granted tuc’s wife may have cared at one point - I don’t know her - my situation was different we were only married 17 months when he left - men do not change that drastically - they usually have something very wrong underlying. Tuc I do urge you when this is all over to consider talking to your priest about the decree of nullity process. The best time to do it is when everything is still fresh and honestly it is a good healing process even if you do not get the result you may have wished for you will know the outcome and there will be no wondering about your future vocation.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife will now have to live on a fixed income. Admittedly, with the alimony and child support, she will be getting six-figures a year. Nevertheless, this will not be enough for her, given her spending habits. I dread her constantly demanding more money, and how she is turning the kids against me because I don’t give in to her demands. I have to rebuild my life and find a permanent home. I know I need to be strong and say “no” to her demands. I suspect that was the problem in the marriage, that I did not maintain good boundaries when it came to finances. I don’t feel I’m being greedy or selfish, so why is this so hard for me?
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She needs to stop bad-mouthing you to the kids. It’s very harmful. I hope your therapist can help you deal with this situation.
 
She is still asking me for money, even though she is to sign papers next week. She wants me to pay HER lawyer’s fees and plumbing work done in the house that SHE will keep. I am so tired of her nagging and whining. Why can’t she just budget and live off what my attorney (after speaking to several colleagues) has said to her attorney is a very generous alimony settlement? I want all of us, especially the kids, to move forward and to heal. By continuing the conflict it is hard on all of us, especially the kids.
 
tucdoc said:
She is still asking me for money, even though she is to sign papers next week. She wants me to pay HER lawyer’s fees and plumbing work done in the house that SHE will keep. I am so tired of her nagging and whining. Why can’t she just budget and live off what my attorney (after speaking to several colleagues) has said to her attorney is a very generous alimony settlement? I want all of us, especially the kids, to move forward and to heal. By continuing the conflict it is hard on all of us, especially the kids.
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Tucdoc, Yeah, we all have wants. I’d love to win the lottery and have a Cadillac CTS-V (stick of course). She wants stuff? She will no longer by your wife, do not keep treating her as if you were her legal husband. Her wants/needs/desires are no longer your concern because she has fired you from the job of being her legal husband. There are consequences to that. She must face them. Otherwise, how will she realize she’s made a mistake? Sometimes God punishes us by giving us exactly what we want-- we make bad decisions, bad things happen-- it’s why we call them bad decisions. You are still sacramentally married, I will still pray for your family.

Love her the best you can under the circumstances, but that doesn’t include being a doormat for her. That doesn’t mean providing more than is required. If she wanted a man to care for her concerns and desires and try to provide for them- she should have stayed married. Don’t give her the benefits of a husband, the best of both worlds. And let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate her bad-mouthing you to the kids. Make sure it’s in the legal agreement and point out to her the reason is it is better for the kids. IT is better for the kids. And you expect her to live up to it for the kids. First time she violates it, have your lawyer contact her to emphasize the point. Not for you, for the kids- they need to have relationships with both parents with the least interference possible. They need to establish those relationships and will resent anyone who gets in the way of it. If not now, down the road when they understand the interference.

Above is the long way of saying-- tell her no. Not your job. Remind her she’s fired you from that job. (But you’re still willing to be re-hired.)
 
tucdoc said:
She is still asking me for money, even though she is to sign papers next week. She wants me to pay HER lawyer’s fees and plumbing work done in the house that SHE will keep. I am so tired of her nagging and whining. Why can’t she just budget and live off what my attorney (after speaking to several colleagues) has said to her attorney is a very generous alimony settlement? I want all of us, especially the kids, to move forward and to heal. By continuing the conflict it is hard on all of us, especially the kids.
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Are you giving her extra money?
 
I know she will ask for more money for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She doesn’t know how to budget, and she will say that I am depriving the kids of their holidays. No, I have not given her any more money than this month’s alimony/child support. The agreement she is to sign is retroactive to October 1. It will be hard to say “no”, but I did 6 months ago when she asked for more alimony/child support, and she didn’t get it. So, it is the right thing to do.

Yes, I would be willing to take her back, but only if we had a strong reconciliation plan, which would include marital counseling, which she has absolutely refused to participate in. Without that, going back to her would mean going back to the way things were, which was not healthy. She lacks insight into how her actions (overspending, being with other men) undermined our marriage. She acts as if she hasn’t done anything wrong and is entitled to everything she asks for.
 
As part of the alimony/child support agreement can you stipulate that any requests for additional monies be made through the court or be made from her lawyer to your lawyer?

I’ve never been divorced, but it seems like after the papers are signed that the former roles are gone and now you become ex-spouse 1 and ex-spouse 2 and anything that would change the support arrangement should go through the court, and constantly personally asking for more money is harassment that the court could stop.
 
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