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qui_est_ce
Guest
It can, but I doubt she’ll do that.
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tucdoc
Guest
I’m having a difficult time understanding all of this. How could she throw away a marriage? Are her two friends really worth all of this? I don’t even think she is getting together with them like she used to. It seems she just can’t admit she was wrong, and would rather destroy the marriage. How could she turn the kids against me? Her contempt and resentment towards me for not being everything she wanted has undermined my relationship with my children. It’s more than the money. It’s losing the family I had. I miss seeing my kids every day and having easy communication with them. It is such a struggle now.
I’ve been advised to not ask why, and to trust that God has a plan. So, do I just need to have more faith in God and realize that in the end it will all turn out for the better?
I’ve been advised to not ask why, and to trust that God has a plan. So, do I just need to have more faith in God and realize that in the end it will all turn out for the better?
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Serap
Guest
I can’t stand women like her. I bust my butt working for my family. I know her type. I’ve met them before. They are selfish and verbally abusive.
Don’t give her any Thanks Giving or Christmas money. If you wish, give extra money to each of your kids and tell them to use it for themselves or to put it away for savings.
Then when she complains to them about you not giving money, well you’ve already given extra money to your kids and they will realize that you are not being unloving to them.
She is using your kids as pawns and they will later end up resenting her for this.
Don’t give her any Thanks Giving or Christmas money. If you wish, give extra money to each of your kids and tell them to use it for themselves or to put it away for savings.
Then when she complains to them about you not giving money, well you’ve already given extra money to your kids and they will realize that you are not being unloving to them.
She is using your kids as pawns and they will later end up resenting her for this.
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styrgwillidar
Guest
No. It’s a simple word. Again, when she asks, tell her no. She wanted the divorce/she has it/the reduced funds are a part of it.
She will not learn to budget if you, or others, keep tossing money at her. It’s called enabling, just like with alcohol or drugs. If she has a spending habit, tossing more money at it keeps her from addressing the issue. If you love her, you will tell her no. And explain you love her too much to enable her harmful spending habit under these circumstances.
If she says you are depriving the kids, say no. She is. By the divorce, by tearing the family apart, by not budgeting properly. Monkey theory of management. You don’t accept the monkey on your back, you keep it on the back of the individual who is responsible.
I know, all of this is easy to say and hard to do. Your fulfilling the obligation of supporting her has become a habit on your part. It will be hard to break, but it must be done. Now. Before you develop the habit of sending her additional funding. Before you set the precedent that is something you can afford and are willing to do.
It’s like a kid crying/whining to get something. If you give in, you’re reinforcing the behavior. You’ve shown that you have a breaking point. Next time, they’ll be more motivated to cry because they know it works, they just have to keep it up long enough.
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cviolette
Guest
I agree with Serap and styrgwillidar. Don’t give her more money. She needs to learn to live on a budget. You also want to set yourself up financial so you can move forward in life and so that you have savings for the kids to go to college. Let’s face it, if she has a spending addiction, she will waste every penny you give her and there will not be anything left for the kids education. Not sure if this is possible, but if you can prove that she has a spending problem, maybe something can be arrange through the courts that you pay certain bills directly.
I also think it is awful that she bad mouths you to the kids. I don’t understand why. I have problems with my husband but they are the father of my children and I want them to love and respect him.
I can give you my point of view on why it is hard to try again in a marriage. When I loved and trusted my husband, he had control over me and hurt me. Even if I thought he changed, it would scare me to try again and risk the pain I went through. It is much easier to keep my heart away from him and just fake it.
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thequeen
Guest
How is she with the checkbook does she bounce checks or does she overdraw her account Hopefully you took her name off of your Joint bank account if you have one I will be praying for you.
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oneofmany
Guest
My hubby played nice when his wife divorced him and all he got was more trouble from her. He gave her the house—it should have been sold and the money split in half. She complained to the court on every little thing.
Don’t go there. Any money you give her is through the court now. My hubby even went up to the court office to pay his support so she could not say it never came. Remember, the court system is also messed up and they don’t always get payments out in an orderly fashion. At least you will have the proof—the receipt you paid.
YOU take the kids to get extra goodies on holidays. Don’t let her tell them you are the meany and not allowing them extras. She gets support but above and beyond either she pays or you will take the kids and pay for it with them seeing you do it.
I remember my SS saying his mother provided his clothes, etc, etc when in reality it was his father’s money getting it.
I hope you have a good visitation schdule and you get to see the children half of the time. I know it’s hard to support 2 households, which most men are told to do by the court so things can get tight. I think your kids will cherish time being with you more than things in the long run but they don’t understand when they are little. Make you time together special in little ways as much as you can and then pray.
Don’t go there. Any money you give her is through the court now. My hubby even went up to the court office to pay his support so she could not say it never came. Remember, the court system is also messed up and they don’t always get payments out in an orderly fashion. At least you will have the proof—the receipt you paid.
YOU take the kids to get extra goodies on holidays. Don’t let her tell them you are the meany and not allowing them extras. She gets support but above and beyond either she pays or you will take the kids and pay for it with them seeing you do it.
I remember my SS saying his mother provided his clothes, etc, etc when in reality it was his father’s money getting it.
I hope you have a good visitation schdule and you get to see the children half of the time. I know it’s hard to support 2 households, which most men are told to do by the court so things can get tight. I think your kids will cherish time being with you more than things in the long run but they don’t understand when they are little. Make you time together special in little ways as much as you can and then pray.
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tucdoc
Guest
We signed the papers just before Thanksgiving. I am relieved the process is over, but I still mourn the loss of our marriage. Nobody is perfect, and she certainly has her faults. Nonetheless, I had made a commitment to be with her the rest of my life. It seems that she did not make a similar commitment, preferring to end the marriage instead of working through the issues we were confronting. I have to accept that. It is a terrible example for our children. I have to continually remind myself that I cannot control my wife or my children, I can only control myself. I am ready to move forward.
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qui_est_ce
Guest
So you are now officially divorced?
I am convinced that trials are God’s way of humbling us. We need to rely on him and trust him completely.
I have really been keeping up my prayers for you.
My kids, now 24 and 21, and I had a great Thanksgiving together. My daughter was home from school. She kept saying, “I’m so glad to be home.” I had her favorite meals stocked - home-made spaghetti and meatballs, chili. She hated to leave and go back to school.
This is not something she would ever be able to say to her dad. I’m sorry about that, but at least I was able to provide the comfort of home for them.
Keep persevering. The teen years are never easy, but keep on.
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timotheos
Guest
tucdoc, I think you are about six months to a year ahead of me in the process, but our stories sound fairly similar, at least to the career, committment differences, spending, and “friends”.
Do not doubt what God wanted for you, and do not question whether you have failed or succeeded! You made the committment, which is all that He wanted you to do – that is, to say **“Yes!”. **He did not promise you a spouse who would do the same! You have done His will, and you have succeeded! Know this beyond anything you might think is the case.
Look beyond the usual warm fuzzy depictions of the Holy Family, and see the reality. Joseph did not seek marriage, but was “chosen”. Mary was a servant in the temple whose marriage was arranged with this older man whom she would certainly outlive. Before their marriage, there was a serious situation with all the appearances of sex outside of marriage, a crime punishable by death, that also must have turned Joseph’s stomach into knots. After marriage, they did not enjoy the marital embrace. Joseph probably dies when Jesus is still a child, leaving Mary to raise him alone. Mary has to watch her son murdered in front of her. So where is the happy in this family? What made it Holy? What made this ginormously difficult life even tolerable? ** The fact that both put 100% of their trust in God to the end of their lives!** 99% would never do, because even 1% doubt would have torn them apart! And they could not have known the incredible roles that they were playing, but had to completely trust!
As for Joseph, he never did see the full fruits of his total trust in God. And so it will probably be for us. 99% trust in God will never do. 100% or nothing. This is all you and I are called to do.
God bless you.
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tucdoc
Guest
I believe Mother Theresa of Calcutta said “God doesn’t call me to be successful, just faithful”. Our marriage is over despite my not straying, either physically or emotionally. She did call me yesterday, asking for money for her legal fees (I again said no). She was also furious that I had transferred funds to an individual account, asking if my lawyer had given her approval (I did not respond). She then said that I couldn’t make her happy. I said that I’m not supposed to make her happy, that it is an individual decision. She mocked me, asking if that line was from my therapist, the recovery group or one of my self-help books.
I do believe God has a plan and that this is all part of His plan. As difficult as this has been, I accept the situation and will do my best to be a good father. I think not giving in to all of my wife’s demands is a good example for the children.
I do believe God has a plan and that this is all part of His plan. As difficult as this has been, I accept the situation and will do my best to be a good father. I think not giving in to all of my wife’s demands is a good example for the children.
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Serap
Guest
She is angry b/c she’s terrified that she now has to fend for herself and make a budget to live on. Fear is masked with anger when we are afraid to face it. Her anger is directed at you b/c you were her security blanket and now it’s gone.
Don’t take it personally. She will learn to stand on her own two feet.
I suspect a woman like her will be re-married within 5 years. Be ready for it. She is to unstable to remain alone. She will likely be two times divorced within 10-15 years. Mark my words.
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qui_est_ce
Guest
This is very sad, but probably true.
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faithfully
Guest
Hey Tuc… Haven’t seen you around in a while. I’ll be slicing and dicing your posts to comment on many…
Your comment sounds a bit elitest. She’s not as smart as you, so she’s not intitled. I didn’t gather before the practice was just about YOU? I had gathered it was what you liked, where good at, and how you provided for your family. Would it matter if you owned a car wash and she never washed cars?
When asked for more money. “I’m sorry, that’s not in my budget. I’ve budgeted in the agreed upon amounts to pay you. My budget includes many areas of interest that you are no longer intitled to understand or be informed about. If you’ve managed to spend all of your money and now you can’t provide a meal at Christmas for the Children, they are more than welcome at my home. I’d be happy to feed them.”
I imagine in the middle of a divorce when all is ugly and feelings are hurt to the max this seems UNFAIR. However, if you remained married, surely you would believe your wife to be entitled to the family income. If you had remained married and you dropped dead from a heart attack, SURELY you would have wanted to her to benefit from the practice and building. All that you do, SURELY was for your WHOLE family. And although your family is breaking up on terms you’re not thrilled with, this WAS for your family. Now, I don’t remember a nanny in the mix. You wife did infact put her body through childbirth and raising children so that you could go off and make a nice income. How much money would you have spent on child care and such, maintaining your practice without an adult home? You are learning NOW, that your work schedule will be hugely comprimised because you don’t have a spouse to take care of YOUR days with your children. Your wifes duties as a wife, did in fact have value. Was she the best wife? Perhaps not. Where you the best husband? No one is perfect.
Your comment sounds a bit elitest. She’s not as smart as you, so she’s not intitled. I didn’t gather before the practice was just about YOU? I had gathered it was what you liked, where good at, and how you provided for your family. Would it matter if you owned a car wash and she never washed cars?
It’s hard for all of you. There is NOTHING easy about divorce. To expect ease is crazy. Why is it hard to draw boundaries around the finances? I suspect because you haven’t done so in the past. It’s always been like this. Change is hard. Period.
This is where I would be careful with words. You are no longer the husband here. And from past messages I gather you told her what to do often. The only voice you have now is WITH your children. Everything else… She’s on her own. I recommend that you stop trying to tell her what she needs to do. And just tell her what you are or are not going to do.
When asked for more money. “I’m sorry, that’s not in my budget. I’ve budgeted in the agreed upon amounts to pay you. My budget includes many areas of interest that you are no longer intitled to understand or be informed about. If you’ve managed to spend all of your money and now you can’t provide a meal at Christmas for the Children, they are more than welcome at my home. I’d be happy to feed them.”
This is just so hard. My heart breaks for you. Your wife has pride firmly in her hand. That’s why she can’t admit she was wrong. It hurts even worse to know that you’ve done this TO YOURSELF (talking about her, not you). I’m sure you know cancer patients that smoked their way into your office. Why can’t they admit they were wrong. And when they do, just HOW TOO LATE is it? From the stories you’ve told, you both have been pounding nails into this coffin for some time. I doubt there is much air left in there for survival. And NEITHER of you are willing to remove the nails without some negotiated award for doing so. I get that you just want your marriage back. But the one that you thought you had, never existed. You were happy with the way things where. She was not. It’s terrible you both could not have sat down like full grown adults and worked through it. It does take two. I get that she didn’t even WANT to try. The “friends” are not worth it. In her mind, it was all over. The friends are people that get her through her decisions. I suspect her mind was made up a long time ago.
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faithfully
Guest
My gut: at this point, she doesn’t WANT you to make her happy. She wants to hurt you a wee bit more. MISERY LOVES COMPANY! Telling you, you can’t make her happy is just another way of doing that. She’s telling you you are inept. I imagine that’s meant to be hurtful.
Again, I think I’d remove your wife from the equation. Not sure if you’d consider appropriate or not, but is there a reason your children can’t LOOK at YOUR budget? Maybe past vs. current? This is how much I put away for retirement so you don’t have to take care of me. This is how much I pay for school. This is how much… xyz. Never mind showing your children you wife is a whiner. Let HER show them that. Never mind showing them you need to discipline her. THAT’s what parenting is for. Show them how you spend money, and why you can’t step away from the budget.
Regardless, I’d have NO problem telling my children something to the effect "mommy is a big girl. She knows how to do math. She knows how much money she has, and it’s A LOT. And I made sure it was adequate. She’s smart enough to figure this out. I can’t save her because she refuses to take care of herself. She doesn’t want that from me. You should give your mother more credit than that. Your mother wants her independance from me. That’s what she’s getting. She can’t have it both ways. I’m sorry you feel hurt over this. "
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qui_est_ce
Guest
This is a really good thought.
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tucdoc
Guest
It’s over, the judge signed the papers yesterday. Time to move on. The future looks daunting, but my friends (including a priest) have said just go one day at a time. For someone who used to plan years ahead (kids college, retirement, etc.) this will be hard. This is probably where the money conflict with my ex-wife started. I looked at our future needs, she just looked at present wants.
I do appreciate everyones prayers and helpful comments, even yours Faithfully
. This has been the worst 2 years of my life, but I feel in the long run it will be for the best. My kids will not be the same having gone through this, but I hope they will be wiser for the experience.
I do appreciate everyones prayers and helpful comments, even yours Faithfully
. This has been the worst 2 years of my life, but I feel in the long run it will be for the best. My kids will not be the same having gone through this, but I hope they will be wiser for the experience.
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Serap
Guest
I hope you get closure on this whole thing.
Please re-read Faithfully’s responses b/c they it’s really really good advice.
Please re-read Faithfully’s responses b/c they it’s really really good advice.
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faithfully
Guest
You can still plan for the future… all while taking one day at a time!It’s over, the judge signed the papers yesterday. Time to move on. The future looks daunting, but my friends (including a priest) have said just go one day at a time. For someone who used to plan years ahead (kids college, retirement, etc.) this will be hard. This is probably where the money conflict with my ex-wife started. I looked at our future needs, she just looked at present wants.
I do appreciate everyones prayers and helpful comments, even yours Faithfully
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EasterJoy
Guest
You are doing well to detach as much as you can from her emotional outbursts. Control that which God put into your control. Do what is legitimately within your control and let go of the rest.
You could not find a peaceable way to live with her, the divorce is final and morally permissible, and so your work has changed now. The less time you spend trying to figure out your wife’s future or her motivations or explaining yourself to her or countering her accusations and the more time you stay within the boundaries of what your fatherhood is asking of you, the better off you will be.
The next time she says, “You can’t make me happy” or tries to provoke you, it is better to just let it drop. You can just say, “OK. Was there anything else you needed? If not, I can’t think of anything. I’ll be there on Saturday to pick up the kids, same time. If I think of anything before then, I’ll call you.” If she asks for money she has no right to, you can just say, “No. You’re going to have to pay for that out of your own pocket.” You don’t have to give her a reason why she has to pay her own expenses. If she raises a legitimate issue in an inappropriate way, you can re-state her request in the legitimate terms, “So, Josh’s practice starts Monday and the league says they don’t have the payment yet. Let’s see, I don’t have that phone number; tell me who to call, and I’ll take care of that.”
You’re a doctor. You’ve dealt with insurance companies. You, fortunately or not, know how it’s done.
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