Wife Has Given Up - Part 2

[Marie5890]

It’s over, the judge signed the papers yesterday. Time to move on. The future looks daunting, but my friends (including a priest) have said just go one day at a time. For someone who used to plan years ahead (kids college, retirement, etc.) this will be hard. This is probably where the money conflict with my ex-wife started. I looked at our future needs, she just looked at present wants.

I do appreciate everyones prayers and helpful comments, even yours Faithfully . This has been the worst 2 years of my life, but I feel in the long run it will be for the best. My kids will not be the same having gone through this, but I hope they will be wiser for the experience.

God Bless, Tucdoc, to all of you.

 

[EasterJoy]

My gut: at this point, she doesn’t WANT you to make her happy. She wants to hurt you a wee bit more. MISERY LOVES COMPANY! Telling you, you can’t make her happy is just another way of doing that. She’s telling you you are inept. I imagine that’s meant to be hurtful.

Again, I think I’d remove your wife from the equation. Not sure if you’d consider appropriate or not, but is there a reason your children can’t LOOK at YOUR budget? Maybe past vs. current? This is how much I put away for retirement so you don’t have to take care of me. This is how much I pay for school. This is how much… xyz. Never mind showing your children you wife is a whiner. Let HER show them that. Never mind showing them you need to discipline her. THAT’s what parenting is for. Show them how you spend money, and why you can’t step away from the budget.

Regardless, I’d have NO problem telling my children something to the effect "mommy is a big girl. She knows how to do math. She knows how much money she has, and it’s A LOT. And I made sure it was adequate. She’s smart enough to figure this out. I can’t save her because she refuses to take care of herself. She doesn’t want that from me. You should give your mother more credit than that. Your mother wants her independance from me. That’s what she’s getting. She can’t have it both ways. I’m sorry you feel hurt over this. "

I wouldn’t even go there. The less he talks about his wife to their kids, the less chance he has of hurting their feelings or upsetting them by how he chooses to talk about her. I’d just say, “I think it is better if you little sweeties don’t worry about all that. Money is for grownups to worry about. Divorces are really hard, especially on you kids, but we went to court so that the judge could make sure Mommy and Daddy treated each other fairly. It will take awhile for us all to get used to this, but hang in there. We’ll make it.”

 

[qui_est_ce]

I wouldn’t even go there. The less he talks about his wife to their kids, the less chance he has of hurting their feelings or upsetting them by how he chooses to talk about her. I’d just say, “I think it is better if you little sweeties don’t worry about all that. Money is for grownups to worry about. Divorces are really hard, especially on you kids, but we went to court so that the judge could make sure Mommy and Daddy treated each other fairly. It will take awhile for us all to get used to this, but hang in there. We’ll make it.”

Even better!

 

[Serap]

Even better!

yeah

 

[cviolette]

I wouldn’t even go there. The less he talks about his wife to their kids, the less chance he has of hurting their feelings or upsetting them by how he chooses to talk about her. I’d just say, “I think it is better if you little sweeties don’t worry about all that. Money is for grownups to worry about. Divorces are really hard, especially on you kids, but we went to court so that the judge could make sure Mommy and Daddy treated each other fairly. It will take awhile for us all to get used to this, but hang in there. We’ll make it.”

Great post

I recommend re-reading Faithfully posts. She had many good points.

 

[oneofmany]

turdoc, your ex sounds like my hubby’s ex. She told him she never loved him. It’s just to get back at him for her unhappiness.

It’s called “rewriting history” and people think they are crazy. People where there and know how happy and what a good marriage they had so they sound crazy when they say those things. I guess they need to do it to rationalize when they want a divorce.

Don’t talk about her or your problems to the kids. Children always think they are to blame when mom and dad break up so they need to be reassured it’s not their fault. My hubby would always ask his kids why they are asking that question. Most of the time it was to be reassured they are still loved and that will stay the same. No need to go into long explanations of why and how about the divorce, The kids do not care nor can they understand, they just want reassurance.

Don’t argue with your ex, just remind her things are different now and you can’t do things like you did before the divorce (like giving her money every time she asks). My hubby’s ex wanted the kids to always to go for Sunday dinner at her folks’ house even when it was my hubby’s weekend with them. He had to remind her it wasn’t going to be like that anymore. Things had changed. Some just want their cake and be able to eat it too. That does not happen.

You are right about your kids. My step-sons are married now and one of them said, “it’s a pride thing, once you file for divorce it’s hard to backtrack.” He advises his friends about that all the time. THINK IT OVER. I feel he and his brother will have stronger marriages after seeing what their parents went through. I think they have learned.

Remember it does get better. Kids grow up, child support stops, and your life changes. Time goes faster than you think it does.

 

[tucdoc]

I had a good weekend with the kids. They aren’t back talking as much as before, but they still need to work on respect. We spent most of the time at my place since my son is so behind in his work. I’m no longer e-mailing the teachers about asking for more time for him to finish his work. All the teachers, as well as the counselor and principal (a nun) are well aware of our situation. My son has made a decision to not complete all of his work. Yes, it is unfortunate he has to go through this painful time, but he had other options to help him cope. He has refused to open up to a therapist, and had been reluctant to ask for extra help from the teachers until we his grade started slipping. I am holding him responsible for his grade, and if he has to go to summer school, then so be it.

My ex-wife wants to continue rewarding him, despite his grades. She wants him to start piano lessons (even though I will keep the piano after I move to a house) and to buy him a bell kit for his percussion class. I’ve said no until he improves his grades, and I told him so directly. Neither she nor he liked my saying no, probably because they are not used to hearing no. I need to enforce the boundaries I’ve set.

 

[oneofmany]

Instead of saying “no” why don’t you say "yes, he can when he improves his grades and then decide on what that means. Give him something to shoot for, not just “improve.” That doesn’t mean much and seems open ended. Example–say bring up his grades in math to a C if he is at a D or a B if he is at a C.

Remind them the piano stays with you—I assume you know this and it has been decided. Your ex may demand it stays with her.

 

[Serap]

I had a good weekend with the kids. They aren’t back talking as much as before, but they still need to work on respect. We spent most of the time at my place since my son is so behind in his work. I’m no longer e-mailing the teachers about asking for more time for him to finish his work. All the teachers, as well as the counselor and principal (a nun) are well aware of our situation. My son has made a decision to not complete all of his work. Yes, it is unfortunate he has to go through this painful time, but he had other options to help him cope. He has refused to open up to a therapist, and had been reluctant to ask for extra help from the teachers until we his grade started slipping. I am holding him responsible for his grade, and if he has to go to summer school, then so be it.

My ex-wife wants to continue rewarding him, despite his grades. She wants him to start piano lessons (even though I will keep the piano after I move to a house) and to buy him a bell kit for his percussion class. I’ve said no until he improves his grades, and I told him so directly. Neither she nor he liked my saying no, probably because they are not used to hearing no. I need to enforce the boundaries I’ve set.

Good for you. Boundaries make teenagers feel loved.

 

[Serap]

Instead of saying “no” why don’t you say "yes, he can when he improves his grades and then decide on what that means. Give him something to shoot for, not just “improve.” That doesn’t mean much and seems open ended. Example–say bring up his grades in math to a C if he is at a D or a B if he is at a C.

Remind them the piano stays with you—I assume you know this and it has been decided. Your ex may demand it stays with her.

I agree somewhat. If this boy is capable of an “A” or “B” then that’s what he should be getting. Some bright kids can still get a “C” and be slacking off. I was one of them.

I’m sure that Tucdoc’s kids are also gifted with intelligence and are capable of getting above average grades.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I had a good weekend with the kids. They aren’t back talking as much as before, but they still need to work on respect. We spent most of the time at my place since my son is so behind in his work. I’m no longer e-mailing the teachers about asking for more time for him to finish his work. All the teachers, as well as the counselor and principal (a nun) are well aware of our situation. My son has made a decision to not complete all of his work. Yes, it is unfortunate he has to go through this painful time, but he had other options to help him cope. He has refused to open up to a therapist, and had been reluctant to ask for extra help from the teachers until we his grade started slipping. I am holding him responsible for his grade, and if he has to go to summer school, then so be it.

My ex-wife wants to continue rewarding him, despite his grades. She wants him to start piano lessons (even though I will keep the piano after I move to a house) and to buy him a bell kit for his percussion class. I’ve said no until he improves his grades, and I told him so directly. Neither she nor he liked my saying no, probably because they are not used to hearing no. I need to enforce the boundaries I’ve set.

It is normal for children of divorced parents to rebel in diffferent ways. His world is falling apart, no matter how civil the divorce is… He’s a boy, boys don’t like to talk. Let him know it’s ok to be angry…there is a film about divorce’s impact on children, it’s called the “Squid and the Whale.” Watch it yorself, it might be mature for the children. It’s rated R

I think his life should remain as consistant as possible. If piano is something he really likes and excells at, don’t take it away. He needs to feel that he can control something. Piano could be his positive reinforcement.

 

[Serap]

It is normal for children of divorced parents to rebel in diffferent ways. His world is falling apart, no matter how civil the divorce is… He’s a boy, boys don’t like to talk. Let him know it’s ok to be angry…there is a film about divorce’s impact on children, it’s called the “Squid and the Whale.” Watch it yorself, it might be mature for the children. It’s rated R

I think his life should remain as consistant as possible. If piano is something he really likes and excells at, don’t take it away. He needs to feel that he can control something. Piano could be his positive reinforcement.

do you mean rewarding him with piano lessons if he picks up his grades?

 

[joanofarc2008]

I just want to stop and say that you sound like a good man with a good head on his shoulders and God will do good things for you. Sorry, I just felt like you needed to hear that - or in this case read it.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

do you mean rewarding him with piano lessons if he picks up his grades?

I mean keeping his life as consistant as possible, if piano is a positive part of his life, he should be allowed to continue. His parents divorcing is a huge stressor for him, it is only natural that his grades slip, his world if different now, and he cannot control it.

Dad said this:

All the teachers, as well as the counselor and principal (a nun) are well aware of our situation. My son has made a decision to not complete all of his work. Yes, it is unfortunate he has to go through this painful time, but he had other options to help him cope. He has refused to open up to a therapist, and had been reluctant to ask for extra help from the teachers until we his grade started slipping. I am holding him responsible for his grade, and if he has to go to summer school, then so be it.

Boys don’t ask for help. Just give him what he needs, call the teacher and arrange for him to get extra help finishing his work. Be proactive with him, find out what needs to get done and encourage him.

Be sensitive…it is unfortunate for him to have to deal with this, it isn’t his fault.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Boys don’t ask for help. Just give him what he needs, call the teacher and arrange for him to get extra help finishing his work. Be proactive with him, find out what needs to get done and encourage him.

Be sensitive…it is unfortunate for him to have to deal with this, it isn’t his fault.

I completely disagree with this. My son, although very bright, did poorly in school. His school’s learning consultant told me to stop “helping” him, and to stay out of his homework. It’s HIS responsibility and he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, or lack thereof. He also failed to open up to his therapist at the time of our divorce.

He is a fine young man now, albeit different than I hoped he would turn out. (He did not go to college) But I have learned to respect him despite our differences.

tucdoc:

All the teachers, as well as the counselor and principal (a nun) are well aware of our situation. My son has made a decision to not complete all of his work. Yes, it is unfortunate he has to go through this painful time, but he had other options to help him cope. He has refused to open up to a therapist, and had been reluctant to ask for extra help from the teachers until we his grade started slipping.** I am holding him responsible** for his grade, and if he has to go to summer school, then so be it.

I’m really proud of you tucdoc for holing your son responsible. It’s really hard to see a child fail. As divorced parents, it’s very easy to fall into the “guilty” trap and try to make up for it in inappropriate way.

I think saying “no” to a child you love is a very difficult but necessary act of love.

God bless you tucdoc.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I just want to stop and say that you sound like a good man with a good head on his shoulders and God will do good things for you. Sorry, I just felt like you needed to hear that - or in this case read it.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I completely disagree with this. My son, although very bright, did poorly in school. His school’s learning consultant told me to stop “helping” him, and to stay out of his homework. It’s HIS responsibility and he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, or lack thereof. He also failed to open up to his therapist at the time of our divorce.

He is a fine young man now, albeit different than I hoped he would turn out. (He did not go to college) But I have learned to respect him despite our differences.

I’m really proud of you tucdoc for holing your son responsible. It’s really hard to see a child fail. As divorced parents, it’s very easy to fall into the “guilty” trap and try to make up for it in inappropriate way.

I think saying “no” to a child you love is a very difficult but necessary act of love.

God bless you tucdoc.

I don’t mean to perpetually helicopter, but to help him over this hump.

 

[Serap]

I completely disagree with this. My son, although very bright, did poorly in school. His school’s learning consultant told me to stop “helping” him, and to stay out of his homework. It’s HIS responsibility and he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions, or lack thereof. He also failed to open up to his therapist at the time of our divorce.

He is a fine young man now, albeit different than I hoped he would turn out. (He did not go to college) But I have learned to respect him despite our differences.

I’m really proud of you tucdoc for holing your son responsible. It’s really hard to see a child fail. As divorced parents, it’s very easy to fall into the “guilty” trap and try to make up for it in inappropriate way.

I think saying “no” to a child you love is a very difficult but necessary act of love.

God bless you tucdoc.

I kinda agree too to promise piano lessons once his grades are back up. I think it would give him something to aspire to and look forward to.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I kinda agree too to promise piano lessons once his grades are back up. I think it would give him something to aspire to and look forward to.

I think that’s tucdoc’s call. Each situation is unique. I did let my son take piano lessons. I think music is an important part of education. He excelled at piano. Sometimes I’d have ask him to quit practicing!!

 

[faithfully]

Hey Tuc,

So are music lessons a reward? Or are they part of his education?

Piano lessons: Obviously, whenever they start a rental can be had at the ex’s house, or maybe a digi. (costco sells some awesome digis for a reasonable price.)

Divorce is very hard on children. They do rebel, and they talk back, and act out. It takes some adjusting. I watched 3 boys in one family all deal in very different ways. One really went the extreme rude route It took some time to real him in. But it happens. It gets better. It’s not ok for them to be rude to you. I imagine you are the person they feel SAFE telling how they really feel. Showing you how pissed off they really are. It’s almost a compliment. You have to just gently keep telling them you are fine hearing how mad they are, but they don’t get to HURT you in the mean time.

I don’t believe in rewarding for bad behavior either. Just make sure you’re not preventing him from relieving his stress. If he won’t talk with a therapist, or a councelor realize he’s a teen who is confused. Talking about things isn’t going to change anything. He knows that. You’re not going to fix your marriage magically if he talks to someone. But he FEELS this pain. He is expressing himself by taking some sort of control in his life. And sadly, he’s showing you all he can mess things up just as good as the next guy.

In the past, how has your son expressed his anger and hurt?

I’m a physical person. When I was angry as a kid, I’d head to the piano, pick a pc that I could play FAST and LOUD! Just slamming my fingers on those keys ripping through a pc (completely out of appropriate tempo) would calm me down. I’m also a dancer. I’d head up to our “play room” and throw my body around for HOURS if I needed it. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything. I just needed to release the stress that was building in my body. It almost hurts if you don’t. I managed to escape some narley stuff that was going on in my family through this. I prevailed. I also taught piano and dance during college for $$. It’s not just a fru-fru reward/hobby.

So, ALL that I’m saying is music might be his therapy. Make SURE you’re not taking a therapy away just because you think he might have fun doing it. Don’t insist his therapy be something YOU resonate with.

Glad to hear you all had a good weekend. You WILL heal from this.