Wife Has Given Up - Part 2

[Serap]

Hey Tuc,

So are music lessons a reward? Or are they part of his education?

Piano lessons: Obviously, whenever they start a rental can be had at the ex’s house, or maybe a digi. (costco sells some awesome digis for a reasonable price.)

Divorce is very hard on children. They do rebel, and they talk back, and act out. It takes some adjusting. I watched 3 boys in one family all deal in very different ways. One really went the extreme rude route It took some time to real him in. But it happens. It gets better. It’s not ok for them to be rude to you. I imagine you are the person they feel SAFE telling how they really feel. Showing you how pissed off they really are. It’s almost a compliment. You have to just gently keep telling them you are fine hearing how mad they are, but they don’t get to HURT you in the mean time.

I don’t believe in rewarding for bad behavior either. Just make sure you’re not preventing him from relieving his stress. If he won’t talk with a therapist, or a councelor realize he’s a teen who is confused. Talking about things isn’t going to change anything. He knows that. You’re not going to fix your marriage magically if he talks to someone. But he FEELS this pain. He is expressing himself by taking some sort of control in his life. And sadly, he’s showing you all he can mess things up just as good as the next guy.

In the past, how has your son expressed his anger and hurt?

I’m a physical person. When I was angry as a kid, I’d head to the piano, pick a pc that I could play FAST and LOUD! Just slamming my fingers on those keys ripping through a pc (completely out of appropriate tempo) would calm me down. I’m also a dancer. I’d head up to our “play room” and throw my body around for HOURS if I needed it. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything. I just needed to release the stress that was building in my body. It almost hurts if you don’t. I managed to escape some narley stuff that was going on in my family through this. I prevailed. I also taught piano and dance during college for $$. It’s not just a fru-fru reward/hobby.

So, ALL that I’m saying is music might be his therapy. Make SURE you’re not taking a therapy away just because you think he might have fun doing it. Don’t insist his therapy be something YOU resonate with.

Glad to hear you all had a good weekend. You WILL heal from this.

for me it’s dancing. I took dance all my life and I was good at it. I’d go in the basement and just dance it off. I remember…“house music all night long” in the basement and I’d “jack my body”

 

[oneofmany]

That is true. If piano is or will be part of his schooling then encourage him to do it. My SS was in drama—seemed to be the only thing he was interested in and it kept him in school. He even got a scholarship in it. His other grades were Ds but he was good in drama and a school wanted him so he got a scholarship in it. He graduated from college that way.

Now his brother was into computers and he attended a special school to learn about them. Kind of an art school. His other grades were Ds and he barely squeaked through school, he had to go through the summer and longer until he graduated. He went into the army and never went to college. He never got the math he should have gotten if he had gone to regular school but his mother supported him going to the art school and his dad could not stop it.

They both have good jobs now though but the tech math has handicapped the second boy. Some things you just cannot control even if you were still married. Divorce makes it harder.

 

[tucdoc]

Thank you all for you kind words. It helps to hear that I am doing the right thing.

I am focusing on my son due to his grades. My daughter (12) is doing well in school. Maybe she is just better able to handle stress, or because my son is closer to mom (with her dragging him to baseball games) he is more sensitive to her pain than my daughter is. My kids are two different people, but they are becoming closer to each other through all of this.

I’m concerned that my ex is using piano lessons as a ploy to keep the piano, the only thing from the house that I really wanted. There is no reason the kids can’t play the piano at my home after I move into a place that can accommodate it. My son is already taking drum lessons and is in a percussion class at the school. My concern is the time it takes to really learn piano will take time away from his studies. I took piano lessons for years, starting at age 9, and I know how much practice is needed to actually learn to play. Typical of my ex, she wants to make a commitment before really understanding the work required.

 

[Serap]

Thank you all for you kind words. It helps to hear that I am doing the right thing.

I am focusing on my son due to his grades. My daughter (12) is doing well in school. Maybe she is just better able to handle stress, or because my son is closer to mom (with her dragging him to baseball games) he is more sensitive to her pain than my daughter is. My kids are two different people, but they are becoming closer to each other through all of this.

I’m concerned that my ex is using piano lessons as a ploy to keep the piano, the only thing from the house that I really wanted. There is no reason the kids can’t play the piano at my home after I move into a place that can accommodate it. My son is already taking drum lessons and is in a percussion class at the school. My concern is the time it takes to really learn piano will take time away from his studies. I took piano lessons for years, starting at age 9, and I know how much practice is needed to actually learn to play. Typical of my ex, she wants to make a commitment before really understanding the work required.

I 100% agree with you. You listen to your own hunches and do what is right for you and your kids. Your son is doing something great by playing the drums…what a great way to get out aggression

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I haven’t been contributing to this thread or your previous ones, but I have been following your saga.

I want to remind you not to just be the taskmaster, especially with your son. Already you and your wife are doing the classic “Good Parent/Tough Parent” routine that can develop in a divorce…with you being the Strict Parent and her getting to promise rewards so she looks good to the kids. It sucks to be stuck in that role. Just make sure that you are not merely a hard-*** to your son. Find something that you two guys can do together EVERY TIME he is with you. Even if it’s a small thing like some woodworking project, or fixing something in your apartment, whatever it is, make sure you have FUN at it, have some laughs, bond as men. You have to start making some good solid MALE memories with him.

I wish counselors of boys and men would do this - make it ACTIVE, not just sitting in an office yapping away like us females do. I wonder if your son and others would open up more if there was such a thing as “active” counseling?

Have you asked him what his plan is for bringing up his grade? He may not have one, because he isn’t seeing far enough down the road to care, but he needs to at least make as good an effort as he can, for his pride’s sake if for nothing else. But ultimately, HE must decide to put the effort in. You can’t force the knowledge into his brain, just as you couldn’t force those strained peas into his mouth if he clamped it shut when he was 6 mos. old!

And don’t neglect your daughter just because she is doing better. She deserves your attention just as much as her brother does. The “good kid” gets overlooked but develops resentments as she works hard but gets no reinforcement from it.

 

[faithfully]

I am focusing on my son due to his grades. My daughter (12) is doing well in school. Maybe she is just better able to handle stress, or because my son is closer to mom (with her dragging him to baseball games) he is more sensitive to her pain than my daughter is. My kids are two different people, but they are becoming closer to each other through all of this.

boys and girls deal differently. Boys often hold it inside. And OFTEN it turns them into a complete wreck. It’s not a matter of closer to a parent. It’s a matter of how HE deals.

I’m concerned that my ex is using piano lessons as a ploy to keep the piano, the only thing from the house that I really wanted. Have you talked to your son about piano lessons? Maybe he doesn’t even want them? Or feels he has to help make mom feel better? Have a conversation. Regardless, let you ex know that if/when he takes up lessons, you’ll see about getting a rental for them or a digi for him. No reason to even discuss the piano that you’ve already gotten in the divorce. There is no reason the kids can’t play the piano at my home after I move into a place that can accommodate it. My son is already taking drum lessons and is in a percussion class at the school. My concern is the time it takes to really learn piano will take time away from his studies. 30 minutes a day is adequate. He’s not in a school for the arts. But if he’s into other instruments, I can see how they could start taking up a lot of time. I’m sure you know that reading music, and coordinating hands (as I’m sure the drums do on some level) often improves the brains ability to learn and understand math and science and such. I took piano lessons for years, starting at age 9, and I know how much practice is needed to actually learn to play. Typical of my ex, she wants to make a commitment before really understanding the work required. so you think she think by having a piano in the room an one lesson a week he’ll be a concert pianist? It doesn’t sound like you have talked with your son about this. Or how it fits into his homework schedule. How old is he again? Does he play any sports?

 

[mamaslo]

Is there a local “Fraternus” chapter? It is there for Dads and sons to help them live as godly men.

The other thing I am thinking is that if you played piano and know what it takes…maybe you could do that with him. He may not even really be interested, but since he is learning how to count music through drums, the rhythms will come easier…you would just have to teach him how to get his hands working together reading and playing at the same time.

It could be special.

Me and my son paint together and do art things together.

I think he is starting to see that I am a musician because he surprised me at a downtown event where some friends were playing, he REALLY wanted me to play. I play lefty and was quite freaked out at the moment, so I couldn’t do it, but that really touched me.

Start playing your own piano again. Musicians have the benefit of whatever happens to their bodies when they play music. David and Saul come to mind. When I am edgy, and have problems, music brings me peace. Not sure if it is endorphins or just the way God made the soul.

there is more to piano than playing it superfine…the theory behind it is pretty awesome too and may be more appealing. Just brainstorming.

Look up the Fraternus site, and see if there is anything where you live, the do have active things and maybe they can help you bond even more.

 

[Serap]

I haven’t been contributing to this thread or your previous ones, but I have been following your saga.

I want to remind you not to just be the taskmaster, especially with your son. Already you and your wife are doing the classic “Good Parent/Tough Parent” routine that can develop in a divorce…with you being the Strict Parent and her getting to promise rewards so she looks good to the kids. It sucks to be stuck in that role. Just make sure that you are not merely a hard-*** to your son. Find something that you two guys can do together EVERY TIME he is with you. Even if it’s a small thing like some woodworking project, or fixing something in your apartment, whatever it is, make sure you have FUN at it, have some laughs, bond as men. You have to start making some good solid MALE memories with him.

I wish counselors of boys and men would do this - make it ACTIVE, not just sitting in an office yapping away like us females do. I wonder if your son and others would open up more if there was such a thing as “active” counseling?

Have you asked him what his plan is for bringing up his grade? He may not have one, because he isn’t seeing far enough down the road to care, but he needs to at least make as good an effort as he can, for his pride’s sake if for nothing else. But ultimately, HE must decide to put the effort in. You can’t force the knowledge into his brain, just as you couldn’t force those strained peas into his mouth if he clamped it shut when he was 6 mos. old!

And don’t neglect your daughter just because she is doing better. She deserves your attention just as much as her brother does. The “good kid” gets overlooked but develops resentments as she works hard but gets no reinforcement from it.

This is such amazing advice!

 

[EasterJoy]

I haven’t been contributing to this thread or your previous ones, but I have been following your saga.

I want to remind you not to just be the taskmaster, especially with your son. Already you and your wife are doing the classic “Good Parent/Tough Parent” routine that can develop in a divorce…with you being the Strict Parent and her getting to promise rewards so she looks good to the kids. It sucks to be stuck in that role. Just make sure that you are not merely a hard-*** to your son. Find something that you two guys can do together EVERY TIME he is with you. Even if it’s a small thing like some woodworking project, or fixing something in your apartment, whatever it is, make sure you have FUN at it, have some laughs, bond as men. You have to start making some good solid MALE memories with him.

I wish counselors of boys and men would do this - make it ACTIVE, not just sitting in an office yapping away like us females do. I wonder if your son and others would open up more if there was such a thing as “active” counseling?

Have you asked him what his plan is for bringing up his grade? He may not have one, because he isn’t seeing far enough down the road to care, but he needs to at least make as good an effort as he can, for his pride’s sake if for nothing else. But ultimately, HE must decide to put the effort in. You can’t force the knowledge into his brain, just as you couldn’t force those strained peas into his mouth if he clamped it shut when he was 6 mos. old!

And don’t neglect your daughter just because she is doing better. She deserves your attention just as much as her brother does. The “good kid” gets overlooked but develops resentments as she works hard but gets no reinforcement from it.

“How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk” (not the inferior “How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen”). It even matches what they’re teaching in the business management seminars: that is, how to talk so that the people you talk to think that you’re not clueless, that you respect them and value what goes on between their ears and in their hearts, and you don’t think they’re clueless, either.

Some of the current books on coaching motivation for youth sports are good, too. When your spouse is doing the “nice” parent thing, a good alternative is to avoid “tough parent” and opt instead for “coach parent”. Not the parent who helps you wish vs. the parent who makes you do what you don’t want to, but the parent who actively and positively helps you to succeed in reaching your goals, including bringing you around as a disciple to how much comes under the umbrella of “success”.

If you take the “bad cop” role instead of the “coach” role, then when the kids hit adolescence they see you as an exterior will to evade instead of someone helping them to achieve what they have come to want for themselves. That makes all the difference.

 

[oneofmany]

If your ex does get heated about keeping the piano, personally I would not argue about it. Just buy one for your home that you can afford. You son does not need to have something he likes to be the source of an argument between his parents.

My hubby’s ex did not let him take his tools or other things after the divorce. My hubby knew if he took it to court it would cost more than the things were worth, so he let it drop. Plus, some women think their ex’s could have come to get the things and never did. I have a friend who was in that boat. If communication is bad before a divorce it is horrible after. I still would not argue either way over THINGS.

.

 

[rainbow1]

I had a good weekend with the kids. They aren’t back talking as much as before, but they still need to work on respect. We spent most of the time at my place since my son is so behind in his work. I’m no longer e-mailing the teachers about asking for more time for him to finish his work. All the teachers, as well as the counselor and principal (a nun) are well aware of our situation. My son has made a decision to not complete all of his work. Yes, it is unfortunate he has to go through this painful time, but he had other options to help him cope. He has refused to open up to a therapist, and had been reluctant to ask for extra help from the teachers until we his grade started slipping. I am holding him responsible for his grade, and if he has to go to summer school, then so be it.

My ex-wife wants to continue rewarding him, despite his grades. She wants him to start piano lessons (even though I will keep the piano after I move to a house) and to buy him a bell kit for his percussion class. I’ve said no until he improves his grades, and I told him so directly. Neither she nor he liked my saying no, probably because they are not used to hearing no. I need to enforce the boundaries I’ve set.

Oftentimes children lose the ability to focus on their schoolwork after divorce or other losses. In lots of cases the children literally can not do the work no matter how hard they try, and in some cases they actually lose a grade because of this. Talk therapy is oftentimes not helpful to children, as children usually express themselves through play rather than verbalization. Instead of punishment, I would encourage you to try to help the child understand that the road to success is to be able to continually get up and try again. It isn’t so much an individual grade as it is the ability to keep trying. This will help eliminate the shame the child may be feeling and help the child learn to cope with stress. Punishment over grades after trauma, which divorce is, usually just makes the child “shut down” and do even worse. Just like adults can’t function as well after divorce, the same is true for children. Maybe it would be possible to share with the child areas in your own life where you just can’t function as well as you used to be able to, and then share how you still know that things will get better. Grades are just grades, and they will eventually work themselves out. Your child’s emotional wellbeing is what is important now…and that has to be fostered gently, not by forcing the child to fit into any certain coping skill format. Maybe even ask your child what would be helpful to him. Tell him you have noticed it is difficult right now for him to do as well in class, that this is ok, but you are wondering what you might do to try to help him feel supported… In my opinion, during this time of your life, it is all about providing hope and encouragement…to yourself as well! Blessings!

 

[tucdoc]

Thank you for all of your helpful comments.

My son performed in the jazz band concert last night, one of four keyboard players (there were also four drummers and two bass guitarist, its all about participation). I can see how taking piano lessons would help him improve his technical, and probably social, skills. I still have issue with adding yet another activity while he is getting Ds for not turning in assignments. I’m especially disappointed with the D in Religion (Life of Jesus, freshman religion class). I wrote him an e-mail to his school account quoting some passages from Harold Kushner’s “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”. I asked him not to be angry with God for what has happened since it is not God’s fault. Rather, I asked him to be angry at the situation because it isn’t fair and none of us deserve what is happening. Also, by getting past the anger we can all start to heal. He may need to blame somebody for what has happened, but then it will be harder for him to move forward.

 

[tucdoc]

Ugly conversation this AM with ex-wife. On checking my son’s grades, he now has 4 Ds, including Algebra, which he already took last year. She is aware that the divorce has affected him, but does not feel my “pestering” him is helping. From there it degenerated into a conversation about how I would bother her, which she continued despite my repeating asking her to redirect to talk about our son. She also wanted to talk about my sister’s school performance as an example. I had to finally hang up since she insisted on telling me my faults rather than focusing on our son’s grades. I did hear that I need to see him more as grades, and I hope she heard that he needs to be responsible. This was how the marriage went, her going off on tangents while I tried to bring her back to the topic of discussion. Nothing has changed. And I’m afraid my son will continue to do poorly in school.

I’m really at a loss with my son. I hate seeing him do poorly in school, and I really don’t think my ex is being very effective. So, do I let him flounder? Do I have a choice?

 

[Serap]

If your ex does get heated about keeping the piano, personally I would not argue about it. Just buy one for your home that you can afford. You son does not need to have something he likes to be the source of an argument between his parents.

My hubby’s ex did not let him take his tools or other things after the divorce. My hubby knew if he took it to court it would cost more than the things were worth, so he let it drop. Plus, some women think their ex’s could have come to get the things and never did. I have a friend who was in that boat. If communication is bad before a divorce it is horrible after. I still would not argue either way over THINGS.

.

I wouldn’t give it up. This poor guy is basically walking away with nothing.

He loves that piano and he should keep it.

 

[Serap]

Ugly conversation this AM with ex-wife. On checking my son’s grades, he now has 4 Ds, including Algebra, which he already took last year. She is aware that the divorce has affected him, but does not feel my “pestering” him is helping. From there it degenerated into a conversation about how I would bother her, which she continued despite my repeating asking her to redirect to talk about our son. She also wanted to talk about my sister’s school performance as an example. I had to finally hang up since she insisted on telling me my faults rather than focusing on our son’s grades. I did hear that I need to see him more as grades, and I hope she heard that he needs to be responsible. This was how the marriage went, her going off on tangents while I tried to bring her back to the topic of discussion. Nothing has changed. And I’m afraid my son will continue to do poorly in school.

I’m really at a loss with my son. I hate seeing him do poorly in school, and I really don’t think my ex is being very effective. So, do I let him flounder? Do I have a choice?

FWIW…my parents divorced when I was 17 and I failed everything miserably and dropped out. I stayed away from drugs, but partied a lot and worked as a receptionist at a music record company.

While working and supporting myself, I realized that life is quite unfair and difficult. I then went back to school, finished highschool and then completed a college degree. I worked for 3 years before I got to that point and began college at age 22.

He’s young enough to turn his life around. Don’t lose faith…pray for him. Let him know and show him you love him.

Who knows, if his passion is music, then maybe he’ll be very successful as a musician? It’s not such a bad life choice is it? He could always get a scholarship at a college through his music? Have you put that idea out there to your son?

Talk to him…find out what HE wants. Accept him for who he is. Perhaps he feels that your concern for his work is a form of rejection and that you don’t see what a wonderful artist he is.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I’m really at a loss with my son. I hate seeing him do poorly in school, and I really don’t think my ex is being very effective. So, do I let him flounder? Do I have a choice?

You are doing the best you can. They’re HIS grades. HE has to suffer the consequences. Easter Joy said it very well.

If you take the “bad cop” role instead of the “coach” role, then when the kids hit adolescence they see you as an exterior will to evade instead of someone helping them to achieve what they have come to want for themselves. That makes all the difference.

I’ll bet your therapist will say the same thing.

My kids used to visit their dad in another city every Christmas. My son was (and is) really messy and a hoarder. On Christmas day I used to clean out his room and leave with trash bags full of stuff. I used to grumble grumble. Then one year, I realized this is who is is. I started having fun looking at all the stuff. Drawings, stories, musical compositions. Those I put up on a bulletin board or framed. The rest, I threw in the trash!!

Love him, support him, accept him for who he is.

PS. My son really loves music too. He played flute in HS band. He is in a band now. Has taught himself guitar, lute, mandolin, and banjo. I wish he would join choir.

 

[styrgwillidar]

A lot of good advice from others.
What does your son want to do with his life? Has he even decided (I knew from the age of about 8) Does he understand that life is about options? That he will have far fewer options coming out of high school with poor grades than with good ones? I had always pointed out to my kids that I don’t really care about their grades, per se, I care about them achieving what they wanted. If they have great grades and stay out of trouble, than they can go dig ditches, do construction work, become underwater welders, fitness intructors, sales clerks, artists, chefs or do something requiring a degree – whatever-- I don’t care, it’s their lives not mine, I just want them to find what they enjoy. Poor grades, or getting into trouble cuts off options. They’ll never be able (or make it incredibly difficult) to do certain things, they’ll have limited their life options before even fully understanding what they may want to do. He needs to see the grades as something he’s doing for himself, his life, his goals.

After the divorce, I sat them down and told them they would not hurt themselves to get attention from me or the ex. Get into trouble, let their grades drop, mess around with sex, limit their options out of some kind of misguided notion it would get them more of my/her attention. All they would end up with would be damage to their lives and still be in the same situation regarding our family and divorce. And the damage they did would be something they’d live with the rest of their lives without it gaining anything. Don’t know if it helped, but they’ve pulled straight As and each have kind of picked what they want to do in life, but they see getting the good grades as keeping their options open if they change their minds.

The piano. Yeah, folks fighting over material things sucks. Especially when they become symbols of something else. I.E. I’m going to hang onto this, or fight for this because I know they want it, just to get back at them. Your life, your piano, your decision. But as others have said, electric keyboards are relatively cheap and I think buying/renting one of those for your son (if he should decide to go forward with lessons) is a good idea.
-If he decides he doesn’t like it, less cost and resistance to allowing him to quit.
-Takes up far less space/portable so he can practise in different rooms.
-Headset. He can put on a headset and practise without bothering anyone else.

And that allows you to have your piano so he can practise at your place too. I actually was supposed to get a beautiful upright grand from my folks, only article I wanted as an inheritance. However, as it turned out I just don’t have anyplace for it so gave it to my sister (who already had an upright) and I bought an electric keyboard for my kids.

 

[rainbow1]

A lot of good advice from others.
What does your son want to do with his life? Has he even decided (I knew from the age of about 8) Does he understand that life is about options? That he will have far fewer options coming out of high school with poor grades than with good ones? I had always pointed out to my kids that I don’t really care about their grades, per se, I care about them achieving what they wanted. If they have great grades and stay out of trouble, than they can go dig ditches, do construction work, become underwater welders, fitness intructors, sales clerks, artists, chefs or do something requiring a degree – whatever-- I don’t care, it’s their lives not mine, I just want them to find what they enjoy. Poor grades, or getting into trouble cuts off options. They’ll never be able (or make it incredibly difficult) to do certain things, they’ll have limited their life options before even fully understanding what they may want to do. He needs to see the grades as something he’s doing for himself, his life, his goals.

After the divorce, I sat them down and told them they would not hurt themselves to get attention from me or the ex. Get into trouble, let their grades drop, mess around with sex, limit their options out of some kind of misguided notion it would get them more of my/her attention. All they would end up with would be damage to their lives and still be in the same situation regarding our family and divorce. And the damage they did would be something they’d live with the rest of their lives without it gaining anything. Don’t know if it helped, but they’ve pulled straight As and each have kind of picked what they want to do in life, but they see getting the good grades as keeping their options open if they change their minds.

The piano. Yeah, folks fighting over material things sucks. Especially when they become symbols of something else. I.E. I’m going to hang onto this, or fight for this because I know they want it, just to get back at them. Your life, your piano, your decision. But as others have said, electric keyboards are relatively cheap and I think buying/renting one of those for your son (if he should decide to go forward with lessons) is a good idea.
-If he decides he doesn’t like it, less cost and resistance to allowing him to quit.
-Takes up far less space/portable so he can practise in different rooms.
-Headset. He can put on a headset and practise without bothering anyone else.

And that allows you to have your piano so he can practise at your place too. I actually was supposed to get a beautiful upright grand from my folks, only article I wanted as an inheritance. However, as it turned out I just don’t have anyplace for it so gave it to my sister (who already had an upright) and I bought an electric keyboard for my kids.

I am just still concerned that your child may truly not be able* to do any better right now. Divorce is a trauma to our kids…one they did not cause and can’t possibly be held responsible for the results of…oftentimes trauma translates into a depression which makes it impossible for these little folks to concentrate in class. We as adults have created these messes, and I unfortunately know of this firsthand, but we can’t subject our children to this and then expect them to continue to perform well. It will take time for them to heal, and yes, it may interfere with their future, but that is our fault as adults, not theirs. They have done nothing. The best thing to do is to provide unconditional love and nurturance. And when we see them suffering, we will suffer, and we can offer up our suffering for their well-being.

 

[cviolette]

I have heard that boys react immediately to divorce and have issues the first couple of years while girls can act out many years later.

I have an ADHD, sensory son who is a sophomore in high school. He is very intelligent and would receive As on tests and quizzes but hand in projects and homework late. He would always have to a factor in some zeros and end up with poor grades. I was all over him his freshman year. Tracking his grades and pushing him. His final grades for his first quarter were worse than his progress report. The more I tried to motivate or punish him, the worse he did. I had to let go of him. I was making things worse. I was trying to control him and I had to find a way for it to be important to HIM. For him to own it.

We had a talk. I told him that his grades were his responsibility. They were his future. It would not affect my life and my future. He had to live with his choices. That he was closing many doors by getting poor grades. That I was leaving him alone. He could get whatever grades he wanted. I let him know that if he needed any help to let me know but that I would no longer be checking up on him. Toughest thing in the world to do.

He struggled his freshman year. Slacking off then trying to catch up. Starting classes with zeros. I kept my mouth shut. He ended up with 3 poor grades. French C, Eastern World Heritage D- (Gave up and didn’t even both to got to the final), Art C-.

This year he is a totally different student. He wants good grades. He decided to retake French and Eastern World to bring up his grade point average. His grades this quarter were 2 B+, B and C+. Not As like his siblings but a major improvement. He can redo the courses because we have blocks so you take 8 credits a year so plenty of room to redo two courses.

I even overheard a conversation of his with a girl. She asked what he received on the biology test. He said a 97%. She was surprised and asked how it did so well. He replied that he pays attention in class

When something in life becomes a challenge, the child has to want it and not the parent.

Oh and along with me leaving him alone, he lost his weekly allowance and I will not pay for his driver license until he received good grades. So he is now enrolled for drivers ed and picked up some extra chores for pay. He is growing up.

Good luck with your son. I will keep him in my prayers.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I have heard that boys react immediately to divorce and have issues the first couple of years while girls can act out many years later.

I have an ADHD, sensory son who is a sophomore in high school. He is very intelligent and would receive As on tests and quizzes but hand in projects and homework late. He would always have to a factor in some zeros and end up with poor grades. I was all over him his freshman year. Tracking his grades and pushing him. His final grades for his first quarter were worse than his progress report. The more I tried to motivate or punish him, the worse he did. I had to let go of him. I was making things worse. I was trying to control him and I had to find a way for it to be important to HIM. For him to own it.

We had a talk. I told him that his grades were his responsibility. They were his future. It would not affect my life and my future. He had to live with his choices. That he was closing many doors by getting poor grades. That I was leaving him alone. He could get whatever grades he wanted. I let him know that if he needed any help to let me know but that I would no longer be checking up on him. Toughest thing in the world to do.

He struggled his freshman year. Slacking off then trying to catch up. Starting classes with zeros. I kept my mouth shut. He ended up with 3 poor grades. French C, Eastern World Heritage D- (Gave up and didn’t even both to got to the final), Art C-.

This year he is a totally different student. He wants good grades. He decided to retake French and Eastern World to bring up his grade point average. His grades this quarter were 2 B+, B and C+. Not As like his siblings but a major improvement. He can redo the courses because we have blocks so you take 8 credits a year so plenty of room to redo two courses.

I even overheard a conversation of his with a girl. She asked what he received on the biology test. He said a 97%. She was surprised and asked how it did so well. He replied that he pays attention in class

When something in life becomes a challenge, the child has to want it and not the parent.

Oh and along with me leaving him alone, he lost his weekly allowance and I will not pay for his driver license until he received good grades. So he is now enrolled for drivers ed and picked up some extra chores for pay. He is growing up.

Good luck with your son. I will keep him in my prayers.

My son was exactly like yours, late papers, A’s on tests, etc. I told him I already finished high school, his school work was his responsibility.

When he was a senior, I overheard him tell his girlfriend, “No, my mom doesn’t want me to do that.” He had fought and argued with me over “that.” I think it was a concert on a school night. Anyway, the girlfriend apparently was trying to get him to sneak out, and he wasn’t going to do it. Empowerment!!! Not saying he was an angel, but still.

My 21-year old daughter tells me she was a brat to me when she was a teen-ager. She said she doesn’t know how I put up with her.