Wife Has Given Up - Part 2

[tucdoc]

Thank you all for sharing you personal stories. I am learning that life is a journey. I guess I had thought I had arrived at the “marital bliss” destination and tried to overlook the materialism that was so prevalent in our marriage. So my son may take a circuitous route, but then life itself is a circuitous route. The 5+ years until my daughter goes to college, and the alimony ends, will go by fast. I am looking forward to moving to my new house, so I can tell my kids this is where you will find me when you need me.

 

[Serap]

Thank you all for sharing you personal stories. I am learning that life is a journey. I guess I had thought I had arrived at the “marital bliss” destination and tried to overlook the materialism that was so prevalent in our marriage. So my son may take a circuitous route, but then life itself is a circuitous route. The 5+ years until my daughter goes to college, and the alimony ends, will go by fast. I am looking forward to moving to my new house, so I can tell my kids this is where you will find me when you need me.

and “my door is always open to my children.”

 

[awsiukiewicz]

From Wife has Given Up

seems that there might be ‘theological grounds’ for annulment…I have to ask myself if you have put effort into the relationship…difficult to ascertain ‘fault’ if you will, based on info provided but sounds like she is cheating…emotional infedelity is as serious as physical…my prayers are with you…A long time ago before returning to the Sacraments, I was in a relationship and when she wouldn’t let me touch or get near her…she had been (physically) with someone else…prayers are with you sir…PAX

 

[mamaslo]

tucdoc,
to me, you sound like you have come a long way. while it may not feel like it right now, you are growing so much. Don’t let it go to your head, but I am proud of you.

 

[tucdoc]

I’ve moved and am in my own house. Lots of empty space since the only furniture I got from the house was my office furniture and the piano. But I did get the piano, and I play almost daily, which helps when I feel lonely. I also have a pool and swim in it almost daily. Overall, I don’t feel too bad. Keeping the house up by myself takes up a lot of my down time. The kids were already here for a weekend. I don’t hear them complain, so I hope that means they are OK with the house.

She keeps asking for more money, and I keep saying no. I do this not to be mean, but for her to learn to live within her means. There is no way she will ever get a job that pays as much as I’m giving her. Unfortunately, she is still not interested in working or in selling the house. She is a terrible example for the kids, especially my daughter, in that rather than becoming self-reliant, she remains dependent on someone who she can’t even be in the same room with. I’m not allowed in her house, and she doesn’t get out of the car when she drops the kids off here.

I am learning to let go and accept. I am starting to believe that things work out they way they are supposed to. If this is who she is, then she is not a good life partner for me.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I’ve moved and am in my own house. Lots of empty space since the only furniture I got from the house was my office furniture and the piano. But I did get the piano, and I play almost daily, which helps when I feel lonely. I also have a pool and swim in it almost daily. Overall, I don’t feel too bad. Keeping the house up by myself takes up a lot of my down time. The kids were already here for a weekend. I don’t hear them complain, so I hope that means they are OK with the house.

She keeps asking for more money, and I keep saying no. I do this not to be mean, but for her to learn to live within her means. There is no way she will ever get a job that pays as much as I’m giving her. Unfortunately, she is still not interested in working or in selling the house. She is a terrible example for the kids, especially my daughter, in that rather than becoming self-reliant, she remains dependent on someone who she can’t even be in the same room with. I’m not allowed in her house, and she doesn’t get out of the car when she drops the kids off here.

I am learning to let go and accept. I am starting to believe that things work out they way they are supposed to. If this is who she is, then she is not a good life partner for me.

Thanks for keeping us updated. Your wife is in a trap she made for herself. Pray for her. If you can’t do that, pray for the ability to pray for her.

 

[Serap]

I’ve moved and am in my own house. Lots of empty space since the only furniture I got from the house was my office furniture and the piano. But I did get the piano, and I play almost daily, which helps when I feel lonely. I also have a pool and swim in it almost daily. Overall, I don’t feel too bad. Keeping the house up by myself takes up a lot of my down time. The kids were already here for a weekend. I don’t hear them complain, so I hope that means they are OK with the house.

She keeps asking for more money, and I keep saying no. I do this not to be mean, but for her to learn to live within her means. There is no way she will ever get a job that pays as much as I’m giving her. Unfortunately, she is still not interested in working or in selling the house. She is a terrible example for the kids, especially my daughter, in that rather than becoming self-reliant, she remains dependent on someone who she can’t even be in the same room with. I’m not allowed in her house, and she doesn’t get out of the car when she drops the kids off here.

I am learning to let go and accept. I am starting to believe that things work out they way they are supposed to. If this is who she is, then she is not a good life partner for me.

You’re in a much better place now. Good for you! You have moved on and your ex is still seething with bitterness and immaturity.

 

[kbachler]

Any update?

 

[tucdoc]

Thanks for asking. I have the kids this weekend. I am trying to make my house a home, for myself and them. I am becoming more comfortable on my own, but I do prefer to have them with me, as bratty as they can be sometime. My son has still to finish a summer assignment that is due on the first day of school, which is in 10 days for him. I realize I can’t force him to do it, so I just keep reminding him and encouraging him to do it. I cannot take on the responsibility of his grades, I’m not going to blame myself for his bad decisions.

Likewise, I am not responsible for my ex-wife. I will meet my obligations as dictated in our settlement agreement. I cannot speak to her directly as she is verbally abusive, insulting me and using profanity. The last time I spoke to her we disagreed about whether my son should have braces placed again. I felt not, since he was not responsible enough to wear his retainer last time, and I’m not sure he has matured much over the past two years. She said I stressed her out, causing her lupus to flare up, and used profanity. I asked her to stop swearing , she refused, so I hung up. If we cannot have a respectful discussion, then unfortunately we won’t be able to discuss important issues. I won’t let her emotionally manipulate me.

 

[oneofmany]

Thanks for asking. I have the kids this weekend. I am trying to make my house a home, for myself and them. I am becoming more comfortable on my own, but I do prefer to have them with me, as bratty as they can be sometime. My son has still to finish a summer assignment that is due on the first day of school, which is in 10 days for him. I realize I can’t force him to do it, so I just keep reminding him and encouraging him to do it. I cannot take on the responsibility of his grades, I’m not going to blame myself for his bad decisions.

Likewise, I am not responsible for my ex-wife. I will meet my obligations as dictated in our settlement agreement. I cannot speak to her directly as she is verbally abusive, insulting me and using profanity. The last time I spoke to her we disagreed about whether my son should have braces placed again. I felt not, since he was not responsible enough to wear his retainer last time, and I’m not sure he has matured much over the past two years. She said I stressed her out, causing her lupus to flare up, and used profanity. I asked her to stop swearing , she refused, so I hung up. If we cannot have a respectful discussion, then unfortunately we won’t be able to discuss important issues. I won’t let her emotionally manipulate me.

If your ex wife has lupus that certainly can affect her moods and the way she acts. BUT that is no excuse for treating people badly. It may get to the point where the two of you can only communicate through letters. That is what happened to my hubby and his ex.

I would not worry about your son’s braces. Even adults get braces, I see it all the time and then he will be mature enough to take care of them—especially when he is paying for them. LOL

 

[thedudeintexas]

Thanks for asking. I have the kids this weekend. I am trying to make my house a home, for myself and them. I am becoming more comfortable on my own, but I do prefer to have them with me, as bratty as they can be sometime. My son has still to finish a summer assignment that is due on the first day of school, which is in 10 days for him. I realize I can’t force him to do it, so I just keep reminding him and encouraging him to do it. I cannot take on the responsibility of his grades, I’m not going to blame myself for his bad decisions.

Likewise, I am not responsible for my ex-wife. I will meet my obligations as dictated in our settlement agreement. I cannot speak to her directly as she is verbally abusive, insulting me and using profanity. The last time I spoke to her we disagreed about whether my son should have braces placed again. I felt not, since he was not responsible enough to wear his retainer last time, and I’m not sure he has matured much over the past two years. She said I stressed her out, causing her lupus to flare up, and used profanity. I asked her to stop swearing , she refused, so I hung up. If we cannot have a respectful discussion, then unfortunately we won’t be able to discuss important issues. I won’t let her emotionally manipulate me.

Amen brother. Your not alone in dealing with this. I have gone through a similar situation. PM me your number and we can chat if you want. Its been hard for me but my life is changing now. Your moving in the right direction. Give into the lord and let him protect you. I want you to know your not the alone. I felt helpless for quite some time and alone and often asked god why me. YOUR NOT ALONE God Bless

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc,

I’d been wondering how you’re doing. I think you’re doing the best thing for your son- not rewarding immaturity. And placing the responsibility for school on his shoulders vice making poor grades something he can us to get more attention. A lot of times kids act up just to see if you care enough to discipline them.

Sorry your ex is the way she is, but she didn’t want a husband, don’t be one by giving her an ear to chew on. Not your job anymore. At some point she’s going to have to take responsibility for her life vice blaming everyone else. I hope she hasn’t been taking her frustrations out on them now that you aren’t around to be her verbal punching bag.

Take care, you and your family remain in my prayers.

 

[faithfully]

Your ex has LUPUS??? Wow… Had no idea she was batteling such a devistating disease. Her case is mild I take it? I have a dear friend that died from that.

I imagine she lives in a world of hurt all the time. Since she was young - emotionally, and now as an adult - physically. No wonder she’s so miserable. Pain does that to you. And if your perception is that life is bad, or that someone is hurting you, you blame when in pain. Full mental capacity is diminished. Pain puts you on edge. She will have to make a very forced effort to break that cycle. I suspect when the kids are out of school, and her communication with you is broken, with less need to talk, and no outlet to vent, she’ll figue it out. She will need you completely removed from the picture to see that you aren’t the sole 'cause of her misery. Then she might have an a-ha moment, and realize she has some changing of her thinkin to do. That’s a guess. And not everyone can ever get there.

Personally I would worry about braces. While adults can get braces, their bones don’t settle as nicely as a young persons. It’s often a battle rarely won. The fact his teeth have already shifted out of place would be concerning to me.

I don’t see a problem with holding a child/teen repsonsible for school participation. But when it comes to health. Hmmm. Not so sure about that. A poor bite impacts a lot. Have you talked to your son about braces? I mean really, it’s not like he’s been living in the best of situations with good mature examples the last 2 years. Perhaps a dentist could anchor a semi perm retainer behind the teeth when he’s done. Removing that at a later date. (this is done with adults because their teeth keep moving)

Good luck!