Wife has given up

  • Thread starter Thread starter tucdoc
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Tudoc Hello I am Delilah I am new on here, I wasn’t going to ask this question I am about to ask or respond but I felt maybe it may help you? This is personal but in your marriage were you ever “un-faithful?” As a woman I will tell you that in any marriage or relationship if the man is un-faithful, even one time an she forgives him, she truly never does, deep down she dwells, resents him an if the man has a good job like you, she takes advantage by spending money an acting out. I have never been married but been in many long term relationships and I’ve always been cheated on but have never taken the man back, but know many women who have taken their husbands and boyfriends back an it just sounds like many stories I’ve heard an seen, amongst close friends.

I despise cheating it’s what’s made me realize I will never get married, if you haven’t been un-faithful, I apologize. Sounds like she’s spoiled an it’s not right for her to be such a coward an not come forth an be honest with you instead of making you suffer an the children as well. If she’s already admitted all those things about never making love with you again, not being in love with you an befriending men an wanting to go out with them without you, then I would suggest moving on before you waste anymore precious time in your life. You know sometimes we meet people in our lives marry them an have children with them but we are not truly meant to be with that person. For every door that closes a new one opens:) If you’ve been faithful your entire marriage it’s obvious she hasn’t been, no faithful married woman befriends men an tries to see them without her husband.

Don’t go on any longer allowing her to hurt you an make you even more miserable. God Bless Delilah don’t let the name scare you LOL:)
 
tucdoc said:
All right then, what do I do if she insists on going to New York with her “friend”? She may not be in love with him, but it’s still inappropriate.
Click to expand...
I would tell her “Have a good time, we won’t be here when you come home. We’re finished”.
 
iamrefreshed said:
I would tell her “Have a good time, we won’t be here when you come home. We’re finished”.
Click to expand...
Really? 14 pages of advice and prayers later for tucdoc and you think your snarky “un-Catholic” remark is going to help this man?
 
I can understand your frustration, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. You need to give this time.

If I were in her shoes, I would see your new changes, but think that things would go back to the way things were soon. You really need to put in some time and show her the changes are real and will stick. It took years to get to this spot, and now you expect it to change on a dime. Sorry - people don’t work that way.

By setting time “quick” time constraints/deadlines, you’re still controlling the situation. But your wife is battling you for control and she seems to have it. You’re being forced to react to her and her actions.

Sucks to be on the other side, doesn’t it?

Welcome to her world.

Earlier you said you would back off and stop talking to her about things. Have you done so? It would appear not. Even if you have, I don’t think you’ve given it enough time since it feels fast just as a reader of this thread. To an actor in this dreadful drama, it must feel even shorter. I think you need to give this time to settle down - emotions are still flaring.

As far as NY, I don’t know. I think you need to leave it up to God. Easier said than done - if I were in your shoes, I’d be thinking the same things! If possible, it might be best to tell her that if she goes to NY, that you fear that she will be unfaithful, regardless of her intentions now. She is leading herself into a sinful setting and serious temptation. Tell her that if you were that man, that you’d be hoping to be able to make love to her there - sometimes people need to her things bluntly. When you talk to her, allow your fear and insecurity to show. She has seen enough of your anger - show her your vulnerability.

Then, if at all possible - let it drop! It’s possible that she goes, realizes that you’re right, resists temptation, and comes home with a new attitude. We cannot know what God will do.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Really? 14 pages of advice and prayers later for tucdoc and you think your snarky “un-Catholic” remark is going to help this man?
Click to expand...
Snarky? Maybe a little. Un-Catholic? I don’t think so. This is a premeditated shot right across the bow to the marriage. I think it’s been well documented that the OP has been far from perfect. And he needs to chill out even now.

But yeah, if my wife were to go off to another city on a trip with a man I didn’t know and who was interested in my wife… Forget leaving; I’d change the locks while she was away and not answer the door when she knocked.
 
I’ve thought about taking her to New York myself. It would be an expensive trip, and we already are all going as a family out of state for a wedding. Still, if it’s what she really wants, I would rather take her than have someone else take her. I don’t want it to seem that she gets what she wants all the time. Yet, in the long run, if it does save our marriage, then it is worth it.
 
The_Bucket said:
Snarky? Maybe a little. Un-Catholic? I don’t think so. This is a premeditated shot right across the bow to the marriage. I think it’s been well documented that the OP has been far from perfect. And he needs to chill out even now.

But yeah, if my wife were to go off to another city on a trip with a man I didn’t know and who was interested in my wife… Forget leaving; I’d change the locks while she was away and not answer the door when she knocked.
Click to expand...
Hmm. I think you’d have a hard time finding a bishop that would tell his priests that the best counsel to give in situations like this tell her “Have a good time, we won’t be here when you come home. We’re finished”. On that account, I wouldn’t exactly call it Catholic advice.

The OP isn’t interested in kicking his wife out. You may be very right about what you’d do, but this thread is not about you and your wife. It’s about his.
 
tucdoc said:
I’ve thought about taking her to New York myself. It would be an expensive trip, and we already are all going as a family out of state for a wedding. Still, if it’s what she really wants, I would rather take her than have someone else take her. I don’t want it to seem that she gets what she wants all the time. Yet, in the long run, if it does save our marriage, then it is worth it.
Click to expand...
I think you’re right. If she’s going to go whether you like it or not, take her. If you had an argument and she angrily ran out into a blizzard, you wouldn’t take it into account whether you or she was in the right. Unless you were endangering your own life all out of proportion to your chances of saving her, you’d go after her. When it is about survival, that’s what you do.
 
tucdoc said:
I’ve thought about taking her to New York myself. It would be an expensive trip, and we already are all going as a family out of state for a wedding. Still, if it’s what she really wants, I would rather take her than have someone else take her. I don’t want it to seem that she gets what she wants all the time. Yet, in the long run, if it does save our marriage, then it is worth it.
Click to expand...
I think one of the problems is the YOUR WAY, HER WAY, MY WAY… there doesn’t seem to be an OUR WAY.

Ok… so I totally agree that her going to this even with another guy is insane. How would this pan out if she was going with a girlfriend… That would be ok?
 
Just to clarify. I have met this guy. I didn’t thing anything of their “friendship” initially. It was when she just kept talking about him and his favorite team (the Yankees) that it started bothering me. It seemed that she was spending more time with him and becoming more distant from me. I was very hurt, but didn’t yell at her, when she wanted to have her birthday dinner with him and not me. She didn’t go, but spent the evening pouting in bed. I asked family and friends how my wife interacted with him when he showed up for the game on her birthday, to make sure it wasn’t just me thinking this way. They agreed, but my wife got mad for involving others.

This guy is married, and I think he is a player with no serious intentions with my wife. It’s just that she is vulnerable, which I feel is both of our faults.
 
You are all aware that his wife already went on an out of state trip with this other man right?

Tucdoc. Now that I know other man is married I would call his wife to see if she knows that her husband and your wife were on this same trip.

I’d bet she was told he was travelling on ‘business’.

It is very un-catholic for married women to travel on vacation with men other than their husbands.

Frankly, I’m shocked by most of the advice I’ve read here.
 
He’s MARRIED???

Could this actually be innocent??? I’d invite the COUPLE over for dinner.
 
iamrefreshed said:
Yes, I do. And it’s not un-catholic.
Click to expand...
Let’s not debate that. Even a cursory reading of the thread makes it clear he’s not going to give his wife an even-remotely-snarky ultimatuum, a) because he loves her and has vowed to be a better husband to her regardless of what she does and b) he has no desire to drive her farther into her bleak assessment of the marriage’s prospects.

If he thought she was a hopeless case, he’d leave. As it is, he thinks this may be a temporary insanity that could be repaired. If he has to do all the work to make that happen for now (because obviously she will eventually have to sign on to get back into the marriage in order for it to work), then he’s willing to do that. He realizes, though, that he is in a very delicate situation that is not going to be helped by the knee-jerk reactions that could easily fly out of his frustration.

On that account, the remark is, at the very least, “un-helpful”.
 
iamrefreshed said:
You are all aware that his wife already went on an out of state trip with this other man right?

Tucdoc. Now that I know other man is married I would call his wife to see if she knows that her husband and your wife were on this same trip.

I’d bet she was told he was travelling on ‘business’.

It is very un-catholic for married women to travel on vacation with men other than their husbands.

Frankly, I’m shocked by most of the advice I’ve read here.
Click to expand...
If the OP wanted to throw his wife out on her ear, he already has rationale enough in what she’s done already. He is stopped by two things: a) he has a duty to his wife and to God to do his best to honor his wedding vows until all hope of true reconciliation is past and b) he loves his wife and would like to have the marriage with her that they’d hoped for when they married. Those are two pretty good reasons to refrain from going off half-cocked, I’d say.

The OP has no intention of allowing his wife to take trips with other men, if he can stop it. Nobody is suggesting that he should!

We could also sit here all day and hash at who is to blame, but what good would that do? If a pedestrian is run down and killed in the crosswalk, would he be less dead if he had the green light instead of the car?

The OP’s marriage is a wreck. He’s trying to figure out how to get the patient out of the wreckage without fatal or crippling consequences. As of right now, he’s not getting any help from his wife. He’s hoping to coax her to regain her will to be married to him again, and to keep the marriage alive long enough to get there. That is a tall order, but it is as worthwhile as any could be.

If you have ideas about how he might accomplish that, that is what he’s asked for. He doesn’t need one more “what a wreck! did the engineer know that trains are supposed to stay on tracks?!” That issue has been pretty much covered.
 
Well, actually I think it’s one of the reasons I would want to gather as 2 couples. Tuc talks that he thinks his wife is being niave. So, maybe, if this guy is really just a scammer, after more than a baseball buddy… he certainly won’t be too interested in bringing HIS lovely wife over to meet her and her husband. In theory. Has she met his wife already? Are they friends at all? Where they could discuss their relationship openly. “So, what are you going to do while your husband and my wife go to the Yankees game?”

Seriously, getting Tuc’s wife to vocalize the reality of this relationship is seemingly important. But maybe only from my perspective.

I also wonder, once this is all sorted out. How is Tuc’s wife going to enjoy her love of baseball. She sounds like the type that goes to games a lot. Is she prevented from doing this because it’s traditionally a guy’s sport? Does Tuc get involved in a hobby of his wife’s? (Doesn’t it seem that women take on their husband’s hobbies for togetherness more often than men take on women’s???)

Tuc, have you met this guy’s wife? Where is she in this picture??? Does she seem not to care? Or trust her husband???
 
EasterJoy said:
<<< He is stopped by two things: a) he has a duty to his wife and to God to do his best to honor his wedding vows until all hope of true reconciliation is past and b) he loves his wife and would like to have the marriage with her that they’d hoped for when they married. Those are two pretty good reasons to refrain from going off half-cocked, I’d say. >>>
Click to expand...
Those are 2 very good reasons for him not continuing to finance her campaign of flagrant immorality. Anything other than a forced radical break from him playing this utterly disastrous and pitifully ineffective role of accomplice and enabler in chief is doomed.

Write it down. We WILL be hearing about the heartbreaking wreckage at the end of this if he does not cut her off while she is waving her boyfriend in his face. It may end terribly anyway, but he will at least be able to know he didn’t stand around and participate.

She is having an affair with another married man. Is that not sinking in somehow folks? If there actually has not yet been consummation, which I doubt, are we all children here? There will be. What about this other man’s family. THIS MUST STOP!!! At least for Tucdoc. I’m with the other guy. I would definitely tell the other man’s wife. Easy logistics there, but I WOULD NOT let her know ahead of time.
 
I don’t know the guys wife. I did ask about her when he was at the game where my wife was doting all over him. He told me she had had a horse riding accident and that she had injured her leg. I told him I hope she recovers quickly. She works in the same industry as he does, just at different (less prestigious) level.
 
tucdoc said:
I don’t know the guys wife. I did ask about her when he was at the game where my wife was doting all over him. He told me she had had a horse riding accident and that she had injured her leg. I told him I hope she recovers quickly. She works in the same industry as he does, just at different (less prestigious) level.
Click to expand...
I feel for your family man, I really do. Including your wife. I’ve never been in a forum like like this before. Lotsa computer related forums, but nothing like this. It is tearin my heart out reading what people are going though. I wish I could push a button and make this situation heal itself for you folks.

You have terrible decisions to make. I also realize how easy it is for everybody including me to sit on the other side of our computer screens and tell you what you should do. I have to stand by my assessment though. You are literally paying her to carry on like this. She needs to be forced to make her choices.
 
Sorry to be so late to this thread.

tucdoc you have to defend your marriage. It is under attack. These people do not have the right to damage the well being of you or your children.

This situation has all the earmarks of emotional infidelity at the very least. I have been through something similar. I was lucky. It was only an emotional affair that ended when I discovered it.

You said she is in a fog. This absolutely happens with infidelity. The wandering spouse has to justify their bad behavior in their mind and to do so they must destroy your self respect in order to maintain the fog for themselves.

This is SELFISH and DEVASTATING to the spouse and children of a wondering spouse.

She makes YOU feel bad because she can’t go hang out with mail friends.

How is all of this your fault?

You must demand that she never see this male friend again. She will of course have a temper tantrum. She is acting like a teenager all ready so this shouldn’t be too tough to get through. If you have to do it expose it to everyone you know and especially the other spouse. They deserve to know the truth.

There is a wealth of resources at www.marriagebuilders.com about this. Please check out the forums there on infidelity. The things i learned there saved my marriage.

I will pray for you.

ps sorry if I came on really strong here. My marriage only recently recovered from something like this and I really feel a burden for people going through it. It is devastating but not something that it is impossible to overcome.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top