Wife has given up

[Sheeniac]

I think that contacting the friend directly was in hindsight a great idea - look where it got tucdoc! He now knows the likely truth and has a course of action planned out. If someone my fiance knew contacted me out of the blue via facebook saying they wanted to talk to me, I would at least reply.

Just watch your back tucdoc… maybe I watch too much TruTV, but women do concoct stories about rich husbands being abusive, etc. and enlist assistance to help with the ‘problem’. I knew someone whose ex-wife and doctor friend/coworker reported him to Child Services on a bogus child sexual abuse case. It could have ruined his life, but he showed up with documentation and an attorney to the initial meeting and was cleared immediately.

You obviously realize that contacting the friend and now setting up an appt. with an attorney is pushing the cold war to another level, so act and think accordingly.

Your situation is heartbreaking.

 

[Tiribulus]

I don’t mean that she hates him. I mean that she’s resisting anything that might soften her towards him or get him into her actual social circle. She keeps saying things that seem calculated to alienate him, on top of that. She’s not even pretending that there is relationship with her husband, in spite of his overtures, or that she ought to have an interest in having one. As you imply, that means giving up the fantasy she’s living in. She doesn’t want that to happen. >>>

Fair enough. I think this is pretty much right.

 

[tucdoc]

I am contacting an attorney because my wife says she is going to file for divorce. I don’t know if she means it or not, but I can’t take that chance. I just want to protect myself so that I can better care for my kids. I asked her before filing to please consider couseling for 3 months. She asked what if things still don’t work out even after counseling. I said at least there won’t be any regrets because we would have tried everything. My therapist advised me to contact an attorney and felt that the only way the marriage could be saved was if my wife went to counseling.

 

[Tiribulus]

I am contacting an attorney because my wife says she is going to file for divorce. I don’t know if she means it or not, but I can’t take that chance. I just want to protect myself so that I can better care for my kids. I asked her before filing to please consider couseling for 3 months. She asked what if things still don’t work out even after counseling. I said at least there won’t be any regrets because we would have tried everything. My therapist advised me to contact an attorney and felt that the only way the marriage could be saved was if my wife went to counseling.

In my view counseling is only as good as it is godly. If you want to be certain that your marriage collapses for good just go n see somebody who doesn’t value it like God does. I am making no pronouncements about this therapist in particular. No idea. Jist sayin.

Think of this other guy in the other thread who’s “therapist” is telling him to have serial affairs and watch pornography to better understand his wife?!?!?!? “Professional” is worse than nothing if they’re leading you away from God.

I am rootin and prayin for you guys. I actually really am. If she agrees to go to godly counseling and put these men outta her life (that will be toward the top of the list any godly counselor will say) you need to love her like she never dreamed any flesh and blood human man was capable of which means Jesus loving her through you.

 

[Melchior_1]

A lot of stuff on here. I’ll be praying for you for sure.

A question you should ask your therapist; should you contact the wife of the dude? and see if she knows?

Oh, and also great call in contacting a lawyer. In this case you need to cover your ***(ets).

 

[SonCatcher]

I sent a message on the guys Facebook page, asking if he had time to meet in person in the next few days. He informed my wife of this via text, and she was furious. She said he is too busy to meet me and doesn’t want to get involved in our marriage problems. I told her he IS part of the marriage problems. She continue to insist they are just friends. She swears she will be filing for divorce. I need to be prepared.

-]perhaps you should post again that you will have him and his wife subpoenaed if it gets to divorce proceedings. What will THAT do to his precious “time.”/-]

I went to confession yesterday, admitting my mistakes, but informing the priest that my wife refuses to forgive me. He also was cynical about the “friends” long-term appeal. I’ve been telling my wife I can’t control her, but it was good to hear him tell me the same thing. He also advised me to protect myself (legally).

good idea - your lawyer should be the one sending him any further communication via summons or PI.

Last night my wife was asking if we can be roommates to raise our kids. I insisted on a marriage if we live in the same house, which is based on love and respect. She is afraid of the consequences of divorce, both on her and the kids. Yet, she doesn’t feel she can love me again. I told her she has a very naive view on love. She got the book “For Better, the Science of a Good Marriage”. There is a discussion in it on the various types of love. I advised her to read the book. Unfortunately, she has a bad habit of not always finishing what she starts.

Living as roommates is an acceptable arrangement until things get worked out. You should still refer to each other as spouses, however.

I am contacting an attorney because my wife says she is going to file for divorce. I don’t know if she means it or not, but I can’t take that chance. I just want to protect myself so that I can better care for my kids. I asked her before filing to please consider couseling for 3 months. She asked what if things still don’t work out even after counseling. I said at least there won’t be any regrets because we would have tried everything. My therapist advised me to contact an attorney and felt that the only way the marriage could be saved was if my wife went to counseling.

The fact that she refuses counseling (either personal to deal with her grief over the loss of her mother or marital counseling) is another item to emphasize to your lawyer.

I’m praying for your family.

 

[Tiribulus]

-]perhaps you should post again that you will have him and his wife subpoenaed if it gets to divorce proceedings. What will THAT do to his precious “time.”/-]

Oh, that’s good, I didn’t think of that. That might get HIM to dump HER. All this fun, frolic and frivolity is one thing, but let’s see what he does when he thinks he and his wife will be dragged into court.

<<< The fact that she refuses counseling >>>

I don’t think he said outright that she refused.

<<< another item to emphasize to your lawyer.

Yes

I’m praying for your family.

and yes again.

 

[dashso40]

I am so sorry tucdoc, I’ll be praying that your wife smartens up and sees that divorce is the worst thing she can do , not only for the kids but for herself too. She needs to grow up and go to counseling with you…Good luck

 

[Tiribulus]

All this deafening silence is a bit unnerving.

 

[tucdoc]

I am trying to accept the situation as it is, not as I want it to be. I realize that I don’t want to divorce my wife. She is still thinking about it, but I’ve told her that I will go on with my life if it happens. She may be visualizing me with somebody else (and their kids), realizing how much it will impact her life and our kids. She just wants to stop being unhappy, but I told her that a divorce is unlikely to make her happy. I also told her the kids my end up blaming her for the divorce. I meet with the lawyer next week. I’m not cancelling the appointment unless I’m sure she is not going to pursue divorce.

I hope she can let go of her pride and consider counseling, but that is a decision that she is going to have to make.

 

[SonCatcher]

I am trying to accept the situation as it is, not as I want it to be. I realize that I don’t want to divorce my wife. She is still thinking about it, but I’ve told her that I will go on with my life if it happens. She may be visualizing me with somebody else (and their kids), realizing how much it will impact her life and our kids. She just wants to stop being unhappy, but I told her that a divorce is unlikely to make her happy. I also told her the kids my end up blaming her for the divorce. I meet with the lawyer next week. I’m not cancelling the appointment unless I’m sure she is not going to pursue divorce.

I hope she can let go of her pride and consider counseling, but that is a decision that she is going to have to make.

Meet with your lawyer even if she currently decides against divorce. It sounds like a recurring topic of conversation at this point and you would do well to already have a client-attorney relationship should it come up again.

 

[Tiffy825]

Don’t forget to pray for the Holy Souls in Purgatory. They need the prayers, and they in turn, pray for us as they cannot pray for themselves.

Yesterday, my sister in law took us to lunch to a Chinese Restaurant. God can speak in interesting ways. I have been praying for situations as well as asking for prayers. Inside the cookie was, “Mighty forces will come to your aid.” I went home immediately and inserted into it, “Mighty forces **of God **” and went to pray. From a book I love, I found an interesting novena to the Nine Choirs of Angels, and it is very simple. It is to say 9 Glory Be’s 9 times in the day. I went and said all 81 Glory Be’s right then and there. Then, went to say the prayers for the Holy Souls.

Also, amazingly, my husband has been trying to get clients in a form of work that is a gift from God. I told him, “Bring your Rosary and use it as much as possible!” He lost one rosary, so I gave him one he actually gave me for Christmas a few years ago. Today, he came home to say that two clients came in! He has been there a couple weeks, trying to get clients.

There are plenty of people praying for you. I will pray for you, too. Keep the faith, and keep the faith for your children. Trials do come, and there are so many temptations and concerns in marriage today. But, God is always stronger. We have our trials, too. Gold is not refined until it goes through the fire. Don’t forget the scripture stories that were read at your Nuptial Mass or Service. I suggest you re-read them, and don’t forget the stories of Tobit. Miracles do happen! There is a Rosary Novena that you can find online, too. God’s peace be with you and your children! As hard as it may be, you need to pray for your wife, that she may see the light and be willing to forgive. You never know what could be a deeply rooted issue or issues, that need healing, for only God knows the most hidden pains of the heart and memory. And, God can heal them all! Prayers for you, your wife and children!

 

[EasterJoy]

I am trying to accept the situation as it is, not as I want it to be. I realize that I don’t want to divorce my wife. She is still thinking about it, but I’ve told her that I will go on with my life if it happens. She may be visualizing me with somebody else (and their kids), realizing how much it will impact her life and our kids. She just wants to stop being unhappy, but I told her that a divorce is unlikely to make her happy. I also told her the kids my end up blaming her for the divorce. I meet with the lawyer next week. I’m not cancelling the appointment unless I’m sure she is not going to pursue divorce.

I hope she can let go of her pride and consider counseling, but that is a decision that she is going to have to make.

You are wise to recognize what is in your control and what is not. Think of seeing an attorney as nailing plywood over the windows when there is a hurricane in the forecast. It doesn’t mean you hope the storm will hit. It means you want to be ready, in case it does.

Since you’re staying in there to ride out the storm, you do need to batten down the hatches. To use another analogy: trust in God, but row away from the rocks.

I know you want her to be happy again, too, and that you want to be there to enjoy that happiness with her. I don’t know if the odds are long or short, but that can still happen. I know that this mess probably won’t be over any time soon, but I hope she’s going through a temporary thing, and that your fidelity will reward you both richly in the end.

 

[Tiribulus]

You are wise to recognize what is in your control and what is not. Think of seeing an attorney as nailing plywood over the windows when there is a hurricane in the forecast. It doesn’t mean you hope the storm will hit. It means you want to be ready, in case it does.

Since you’re staying in there to ride out the storm, you do need to batten down the hatches. To use another analogy: trust in God, but row away from the rocks.

I know you want her to be happy again, too, and that you want to be there to enjoy that happiness with her. I don’t know if the odds are long or short, but that can still happen. I know that this mess probably won’t be over any time soon, but I hope she’s going through a temporary thing, and that your fidelity will reward you both richly in the end.

I agree. Also Tucdoc, after thinking for a little while I didn’t you to feel pressured to answer with my comment about the deafening silence. Obviously your hands are full.

 

[Michael_Saint]

I am so sorry tucdoc, I’ll be praying that your wife smartens up and sees that divorce is the worst thing she can do , not only for the kids but for herself too. She needs to grow up and go to counseling with you…Good luck

Okay, this post is the last straw. Honestly, dashso, what the heck do you really know about this situation other than what you have heard from one side?

I began a thread last night called “Problems with Discussing Marital Difficulties on these Forums”. It can be found here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=490676

This is what the original post said in part:

"We are getting one side of the story - the husband’s side. That was enough for people to say things like, ‘she needs to be hit over the head with a Bible’. I have been privy to enough of these situations to know that ‘one side of the story’ is never enough. What seems like an open and shut case when one person speaks all of a sudden becomes a whole different story when I hear from the other.

 

[Sheeniac]

Okay, this post is the last straw. Honestly, dashso, what the heck do you really know about this situation other than what you have heard from one side?

I began a thread last night called “Problems with Discussing Marital Difficulties on these Forums”. It can be found here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=490676

This is what the original post said in part:

"We are getting one side of the story - the husband’s side. That was enough for people to say things like, ‘she needs to be hit over the head with a Bible’. I have been privy to enough of these situations to know that ‘one side of the story’ is never enough. What seems like an open and shut case when one person speaks all of a sudden becomes a whole different story when I hear from the other.

And I was replied on that thread, Mr. Saint, not everyone here has been totally on the OP’s side. It has been very easy for me to see ‘her side’ at a minimum having experienced just minor episodes in my relationship. Did you read my postings on here explaining why she has been upset? Calling someone a b!tch is wrong, taking things out on his daughter is wrong, thinking that she needs to be told she is beautiful more often and she’ll be happy is wrong, controlling the money is wrong, etc etc.

MANY people here have chastised him. Or are you just ‘looking at one side’ of the replies.

You made a whole post about his post! THAT is wrong too.

Like I said on your post… skip these types of posts next time.

 

[BlueShadow123]

Hey, at least she listened to you when you told her ‘no’ that she cannot see those friends. i mean, considering, she is her own person and she made the right choice by going along with what you said. she could have went behind your back, and the fact that she didn’t tells me that she still cares about you and your marriage. i hope everything works out for you guys. i dont really know what to say though, everybody has already said everything in this thread.

 

[whatevergirl]

You can’t cure selfishness, OP. Only God can. I’m sure you have your shortcomings, but your wife sounds incredibly self centered…and only God can help her.

I will be praying for you. Pray that she empties herself to the Lord…and stops seeking men to satisfy whatever it is she thinks she’s lacking.

 

[BlueShadow123]

You can’t cure selfishness, OP. Only God can. I’m sure you have your shortcomings, but your wife sounds incredibly self centered…and only God can help her.

I will be praying for you. Pray that she empties herself to the Lord…and stops seeking men to satisfy whatever it is she thinks she’s lacking.

Actually his wife could simply just wake up and realize what shes doing is wrong. She can always change the way she acts too. its not just god. And god gives people free will, he will not change her exactly, but he will try to change her through her concious or however he will try to talk to her

 

[whatevergirl]

Actually his wife could simply just wake up and realize what shes doing is wrong. She can always change the way she acts too. its not just god. And god gives people free will, he will not change her exactly, but he will try to change her through her concious or however he will try to talk to her

Oh yes, that is quite possible. But, without Christ…we struggle. I think she has lost her way, perhaps…and when we turn away from Christ…we can easily become selfish.

I would say that she probably justifies the dinners out with ‘friends’ because they are just dinners…but many an affair starts with ‘just dinner…’ ‘just lunch…’ I hope she does wake up…and starts treating the OP better.