Sheeniac, it’s only fair for you to point out to the forum what I’ve admitted as some of my shortcomings. I’m sure my wife would be able to point out a host of more shortcomings. Two of the big issues are (not surprising in a marriage) involve money and sex, or rather, what each of us expects from the other in these areas (guess who expects what). In the past I’ve told my wife these are issues that all married couples struggle with. But, that doesn’t negate how much it impacts our own marriage. I don’t know if we can come to a mutually agreeable compromise in these areas without marital counseling, which my wife is still refusing.
She is still mulling over divorce. I’ve come to accept that if she wants a divorce then I will have to grant it, as this marriage can’t work without both of us wanting it to work.
Many years ago, I used to rent a room in the home of a couple who were both on their second marriage. The husband told me that he wished that he had gotten marriage counselling before he left his first marriage, because he got well into his second marriage before he realized that the problem was not his first wife, but something that could have been fixed. As it was, he had two families to look out for, when he could have stayed in the first and done fine.
Tell your wife this: You would like to get counselling just to figure out what went wrong, if nothing else. If she’s willing to do that, she may still divorce you, but she won’t turn around, as so many do, and marry someone so much like you that she finds herself in the same misery all over again.
Your wife doesn’t have a very long attention span, but maybe she’ll read this, from tv’s Dr. Phil:
drphil.com/articles/article/23/
There is a printer-friendly version on the web page, as well:
Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil’s Divorce Readiness Test:
- Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage?
- Do you have unfinished emotional business?
- Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce?
- Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children?
- Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?
Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn’t get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.
For more on his first two questions, read on:
Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what’s going on.
You need to ask yourself:
What was your marriage like when it worked?
When did it go wrong? Why?
Is what you’re fighting about worth breaking up your marriage?
What is it costing you to be in your relationship?
Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?
What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?
“You know you’re ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you’ve got unfinished business,” says Dr. Phil. “Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you’re not ready to get a divorce.”
Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.
Are you still in love with your spouse?
Are you hurt?
Are you scared?
Are you angry?
Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’ve failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.
Might she listen to Dr. Phil when she won’t listen to you?
Turn over every stone…Stranger things have happened.
So tell her…"We both know that old Dr. Phil has dealt with a lot of unhappy people whose problems weren’t solved by divorce. When you get to the point that you could convince Dr. Phil that you’ve earned a divorce, and you decide you want one, I will concede that you’ve convinced me…but not before.
Remember, he’s not the Catholic Church, he’s doesn’t say that not nobody should divorce no matter how miserable they are. If you don’t think you owe our marriage that much, at least believe that you owe yourself that much."
