Wife has given up

[BlueShadow123]

You know, just have to throw this 2 cents in there, I must admit, you are doing great.

Literally, after following you on your journey in this thread, I think we’ve all learned many things about marriage.

One thing I can tell you is this… If she is so depressed, and not diagnosed, it will be hard for things to get better. Very hard. She is clinically depressed and needs professional help. Not only God, but PROFESSIONAL help. She needs to see a doctor. Asap.

 

[tucdoc]

She wants out. On Friday she told my therapist the same thing she told me months ago, she wants out of the marriage. She listed her issues with my therapist, and my therapist explained that men and women often times do think differently (logical vs. intuitive) and communication can be difficult. My wife doesn’t want to reconcile. She is just afraid of all the uncertainty moving forward with a divorce, particularly the financial issues. I would prefer mediation, but she may be too emotional to not have a lawyer at her side throughout the entire process. I’m really leaning toward filing after the first of the year. I can’t go on like this and I want this to end. Healing can’t begin until we move out of this limbo, and my wife won’t change her mind. I accept my responsibility, but she insists this is all my fault, which shows where she is emotionally.

 

[BlueShadow123]

She wants out. On Friday she told my therapist the same thing she told me months ago, she wants out of the marriage. She listed her issues with my therapist, and my therapist explained that men and women often times do think differently (logical vs. intuitive) and communication can be difficult. My wife doesn’t want to reconcile. She is just afraid of all the uncertainty moving forward with a divorce, particularly the financial issues. I would prefer mediation, but she may be too emotional to not have a lawyer at her side throughout the entire process. I’m really leaning toward filing after the first of the year. I can’t go on like this and I want this to end. Healing can’t begin until we move out of this limbo, and my wife won’t change her mind. I accept my responsibility, but she insists this is all my fault, which shows where she is emotionally.

Yeah but hasn’t she already said this like a million times?
Then she changes her mind, goes to therapy, then goes right back to where she is.
A true christian would say hold on, don’t leave, married is till death.

And personally, as much as you are sick of this, she needs you in her life right now even if neither of you can see it. I’m hesitant to say you should leave. I understand that this is an emotional rollercoaster, but life is no piece of cake. We all usually end up getting through these types of things. And even if it does end in divorce, she still needs you in her life to help because like you have said earlier, she does not have anybody socially anymore. I hope she still chooses to go to a doctor though. She obviously needs to be diagnosed.
Most medications take about 6 weeks to build up a therapeutic level, so you’d have to wait a bit to see the affects.

Also too, I’d want to give you another heads up, that even if you two do end up making it, things will never be the same again. Because this will have a deep psychological impact on both of you, and you no matter how long you are together, there will always be a fear that this will happen again. If you stay, or if you go, you will always end up having a fear of this. Its a rollercoaster ride of emotions and this DEFINITELY has impacted you for life. Over time, you will get better, but part of this will always stay with you. Just wanted to point that out as a heads up.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Also too, I’d want to give you another heads up, that even if you two do end up making it, things will never be the same again. Because this will have a deep psychological impact on both of you, and you no matter how long you are together, there will always be a fear that this will happen again. If you stay, or if you go, you will always end up having a fear of this. Its a rollercoaster ride of emotions and this DEFINITELY has impacted you for life. Over time, you will get better, but part of this will always stay with you. Just wanted to point that out as a heads up.

I disagree with this part of your post. There are many marriages that have survived these sort of problems, and come out stronger. They have learned to grow stronger together and move beyond the past. Read some of the threads in the family life section.

 

[Marysann]

You have been through so much, and the prayers of your fellow forum members are with you. Please don’t leave your children. If your wife wants out so badly, let her leave. Don’t leave your children in the custody of someone who is so confused. You can make child care arrangements.

 

[BlueShadow123]

I disagree with this part of your post. There are many marriages that have survived these sort of problems, and come out stronger. They have learned to grow stronger together and move beyond the past. Read some of the threads in the family life section.

Well then I should have been more specific. It doesn’t happen to all people, but it does to some. And not everybody with a relationship problem posts on these boards. There are billions of people who don’t go on this site you know.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah but hasn’t she already said this like a million times?
Then she changes her mind, goes to therapy, then goes right back to where she is.
A true christian would say hold on, don’t leave, married is till death.

And personally, as much as you are sick of this, she needs you in her life right now even if neither of you can see it. I’m hesitant to say you should leave. I understand that this is an emotional rollercoaster, but life is no piece of cake. We all usually end up getting through these types of things. And even if it does end in divorce, she still needs you in her life to help because like you have said earlier, she does not have anybody socially anymore. I hope she still chooses to go to a doctor though. She obviously needs to be diagnosed.
Most medications take about 6 weeks to build up a therapeutic level, so you’d have to wait a bit to see the affects.

Also too, I’d want to give you another heads up, that even if you two do end up making it, things will never be the same again. Because this will have a deep psychological impact on both of you, and you no matter how long you are together, there will always be a fear that this will happen again. If you stay, or if you go, you will always end up having a fear of this. Its a rollercoaster ride of emotions and this DEFINITELY has impacted you for life. Over time, you will get better, but part of this will always stay with you. Just wanted to point that out as a heads up.

So, to summarize:

1. “If you’re a true Christian, you’ll stay until you’re dead”
2. oh, and heads up! No matter what happens or what you do, you are never ever going to get off of this rollercoaster or get past your fear…“Just wanted to point that out as a heads up.” Nice touch. Very encouraging.
3. You can alway hope that some meds will turn things around…in six weeks? You know this because you’re a psychiatrist and you can read through the internet that the people she’s been seeing are incompetent, even though you couldn’t pick her or her medical chart out of a line-up?

Are you trying to talk this guy out of divorce or talk him into slitting his wrists?

But wait! There’s more! In closing…

*Heads up?!? Life is no piece of cake? * “We all usually end up getting through these types of things”…nice job hedging the bets there. (“We all usually” do, but no guarantees for you, Bub.)

How old are you? How much of this piece of “not-cake” that is marriage have you eaten your way through? OK, then, how much of what you posted did you learn about in your professional training? I just can’t imagine anyone who’s been married for any length of time or who has done any pastoral work writing this.

Oh, and then there’s this:

Well then I should have been more specific. It doesn’t happen to all people, but it does to some. And not everybody with a relationship problem posts on these boards. There are billions of people who don’t go on this site you know.

More specific? Let’s review:
things will never be the same again
no matter how long you are together, there will always be a fear
If you stay, or if you go, you will always end up having a fear of this
this DEFINITELY has impacted you for life
you** will **get better, but part of this **will always **stay with you

It doesn’t get more specific than “always”, “never”, “definitely”, and “for life”.
(Oh, excuse me: what you actually posted was “DEFINITELY”.)

You posted irresponsibly. Don’t defend it. Cut it out!

I can appreciate that you’re trying to be encouraging, I am sure you mean well, of course we want to help people stay with their marriages, but especially let’s lay off the “true Christian”…stuff. Please think before you post.

 

[BlueShadow123]

So, to summarize:

1. “If you’re a true Christian, you’ll stay until you’re dead”
2. oh, and heads up! No matter what happens or what you do, you are never ever going to get off of this rollercoaster or get past your fear…“Just wanted to point that out as a heads up.” Nice touch. Very encouraging. I’m a straight forward person that was trying to give him a heads up. You obviously are not one of those people. Feel free to disagree. I was trying to be as nice as possible by saying so. I am a type of person that would rather be prepared for the future than not told on what to possibly expect. Maybe he is not, I apologize to the OP if I hurt you.
3. You can alway hope that some meds will turn things around…in six weeks? You know this because you’re a psychiatrist and you can read through the internet that the people she’s been seeing are incompetent, even though you couldn’t pick her or her medical chart out of a line-up? I said MOST medications take about 6 weeks to build up a therapuetic level. I do think that there might be something wrong with his wife. Possibly depression, and the OP even said he would be willing for medication. I am not the only poster in this thread that thinks that. Also from previous posts, I think her psychiatrist mentioned it.

Are you trying to talk this guy out of divorce or talk him into slitting his wrists?
Neither, I don’t know why you have that assumption, but before you go and try to make me look like a horrible person, you should get your facts straight. I was trying to be as nice as possible in my post. Its a shame you cannot see that. I am very straight forward and just wanted to give him a heads up. I have been posting in this thread since he first started it, and I have no tried to be mean at all. Sorry if it comes off that way.

But wait! There’s more! In closing… Your point?

*Heads up?!? Life is no piece of cake? * “We all usually end up getting through these types of things”…nice job hedging the bets there. (“We all usually” do, but no guarantees for you, Bub.) Its true life is no piece of cake. Many married couples go through these types of things. I want him to know that he will be okay in time, he will get through this, and that he is not alone.

How old are you? How much of this piece of “not-cake” that is marriage have you eaten your way through? OK, then, how much of what you posted did you learn about in your professional training? I just can’t imagine anyone who’s been married for any length of time or who has done any pastoral work writing this.
You’re right, I could totally be wrong. But so could you. I was giving my (name removed by moderator)ut, which you seemed to want to distort to make me look like some horrible person who is trying to hurt the OP and that is farrrr from the intent of my post. Sometimes even professionals are wrong. He came onto this site in hopes to hear from others about this, I gave my (name removed by moderator)ut on what I could because I care about what hes doing through. I understand hes in much pain, and I tried to give my (name removed by moderator)ut. That is why myself, and others have been responding to him.

Oh, and then there’s this:

More specific? Let’s review:
things will never be the same again
no matter how long you are together, there will always be a fear
If you stay, or if you go, you will always end up having a fear of this
this DEFINITELY has impacted you for life
you** will **get better, but part of this **will always **stay with you

It doesn’t get more specific than “always”, “never”, “definitely”, and “for life”.
(Oh, excuse me: what you actually posted was “DEFINITELY”.)
Yes, I believe that this will impact him psychologically for life. Usually when somebody goes through emotional trauma like this, they will never forget it. It will always be with them. Now they can use it for knowledge for furture reasons or they can take bad advantage of it. Traumatic life experiences always carry with them, but that might not be a bad thing. It depends on how you use it and percieve it.
You posted irresponsibly. Don’t defend it. Cut it out!

You’re right, I shouldn’t have named it as ‘true christian’, but from what I have seen some christians definitely are against divorces on all costs. I told the OP that I believe his wife needs him. Wether he divorces or not, he needs to be with her.

I can appreciate that you’re trying to be encouraging, I am sure you mean well, of course we want to help people stay with their marriages, but especially let’s lay off the “true Christian”…stuff. Please think before you post.

Yes, I will defend my post because I believe you took everything out of context. And it is my right to correct what you misunderstood.

You completely took EVERYTHING in my post out of context. Wow. Can’t even believe how much you distorted everything. Now next time before you go and tear my post apart, please be a little nicer. The way you put it made it look rude, so I have corrected you on what I had intentionally meant. I hope you understand my post better now.

 

[tucdoc]

My wife is finally becoming aware of the consequences of divorce. She is worried about losing her health insurance, and doesn’t want to go back to work after 14 years as a stay at home mom. Yet, she no longer loves me, so how could she stay as my wife? She turned the love off like a faucet back in April, and has no desire to turn it back on. This state of limbo is taking more of a toll on her than on me, since I have more resources to help me cope (including this forum, thank you all so much) than she does. I talk to her sister more than she does, and her best friend and her uncle both feel she should try to stay in the marriage. She asked what would it take, I said marriage counseling, and she still is not interested, no different than back ini April. She will just have to swallow her pride and get a job, like most women in this country, and possibly go to school to retrain. She said she doesn’t want to go back to work. She is making this very difficult for herself.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, I will defend my post because I believe you took everything out of context. And it is my right to correct what you misunderstood.

You completely took EVERYTHING in my post out of context. Wow. Can’t even believe how much you distorted everything. Now next time before you go and tear my post apart, please be a little nicer. The way you put it made it look rude, so I have corrected you on what I had intentionally meant. I hope you understand my post better now.

And the emoticon is upside down, too?
(Sigh.) Never mind.

 

[BlueShadow123]

And the emoticon is upside down, too?
(Sigh.) Never mind.

You’re just trying to find something to complain about. If you don’t like it, then ignore the post and actually address the OP’s matters, not mine. I have already talked to the OP and everything about my post is fine. Now, time to move on.
And I make my emoticons like that for a reason. I think it looks better.

 

[BlueShadow123]

My wife is finally becoming aware of the consequences of divorce. She is worried about losing her health insurance, and doesn’t want to go back to work after 14 years as a stay at home mom. Yet, she no longer loves me, so how could she stay as my wife? She turned the love off like a faucet back in April, and has no desire to turn it back on. This state of limbo is taking more of a toll on her than on me, since I have more resources to help me cope (including this forum, thank you all so much) than she does. I talk to her sister more than she does, and her best friend and her uncle both feel she should try to stay in the marriage. She asked what would it take, I said marriage counseling, and she still is not interested, no different than back ini April. She will just have to swallow her pride and get a job, like most women in this country, and possibly go to school to retrain. She said she doesn’t want to go back to work. She is making this very difficult for herself.

=/

Thats true, she would have to go to work again, unless maybe if she moved in with a family member who allowed her to stay home?

 

[Tiribulus]

Tucdoc I am not giving up for you. You may think easy for me to say, but I’m not. I hate to cite an overused phrase, but I do feel your pain. I have a feeling I’m a little older than you are and yes I’ve chewed through 18 years of marriage. I am still learning what a precious honor it is for the Father to have entrusted one of His daughters to my care. It’s an awesome responsibility and a great joy.

I made a catastrophe out of my marriage through stiff necked rebellion to the known will of God. I am still rebuilding in His grace and love. Prayer will continue and please know that that’s not just something I say because it’s what people are supposed to say though I’m not accusing anybody else of that either. I really do pray for your family often. Regardless of the outcome this situation will have truly been for naught if it does not draw you close to the throne of grace

 

[faithfully]

I still feel that your wife is considering NOT divorcing.

It may seem silly… But why is she concerned about health insurance? Maybe your state is totally diff. than CA , or she has a terrible lawyer… But she’d get that in the settlement. At least for several years. That is to say, the women I know who have been divorced in my neck of the woods ALL have med insurance from their ex. If the ex loses their job, and therefore insurance, they get to figure out how to get her covered. Even if the ex-spouse remarries (not the woman)… They also get half of everything… and then some.

It just seems she’s grasping for reasons NOT to get a divorce. They are coming off as material. But you’ve made it clear, this marriage has been about material for a long time. Seems to me she’s grasping at what she knows.

Just an observation…

What do you mean… She asked what it would take? And that you said marriage counceling? What would it take to just stay married? What does that mean?

I’m really bothered by what you write. In that she’s making it hard on herself. And I suspect I"m projecting my own life into this. So bare with me. I was raised to always be able to take care of myself and children. With the … “you just never know what might go wrong in life requiring that I need to do just that”. My choice or not. And the interesting thing this has brought to my marriage… I don’t NEED my husband for his money. As with my education, I could easily double or tripple our income. If that was our focus. I need my husband as a PARTNER… and all that comes with that. And well, he knows that too. It occurs to me, in our situation, he could never say… “she’s making it hard on herself financially” by leaving if I chose. He’d have to say, she’s leaving an excellent father behind. She’s just tossing aside unconditional love. She just forgetting about all the great things our marriage is…

Tuc, the gross reality is that your wife, whom you’ve described as pretty, will have an easy time finding a guy that will support her. Your children may or may not actually LIVE in that situation. I realize that here you are expressing your thoughts and such. I HOPE that you are trying to show HER how she has much more to lose than a house, and pretty clothes, and jewelry. These material things can easily be gained again later. She will either buck up and get a job, or she will find someone to provide these for her. I hope that you not just telling her how hard she’s going to have to work to get back to the material life she’s accustom. That’s not a marriage. I HOPE you are telling her how much you love her. How you need her. Why you need and love her.

I HOPE, she’s not made to feel a hostage to her marriage. Because then I could see how her only thought would be how to get out. Or , is being the kind of hostage she is (her perception) really that bad? I mean, you’re not breaking her bones, so maybe she could stay???

Again, this is just something that keeps coming to me as I read your posts. And perhaps, I’m projecting on your words. However, I tend to think this way because you say she comes from an abusive situation. I don’t gather she was raised to be a premadonna??? Or maybe she’s a victim of her child who now hostilly demands her “rights”?? Maybe she’s just always been wounded. But I gather she IS wounded. We don’t leave our wounded behind. Even if we know they are going to die. We risk our lives to scoop them up, and take them to safety. We don’t run for safety and comfort without them… and I realize that sometimes they just die in our arms. It will be gut wrenching…

One final thought. Please allow her HER family and friends for support. She’s messed up, I agree. But she needs her family and friends to talk to. Even if she’s not terribly open to their advise. Which at this juncture will all be stained with them being on your side… I think it is a recipe for disaster. She clearly has NO ONE she can trust… except, perhaps her guy friends who you don’t know… Seriously, if my best friend’s husband called me… WOW! I’d be supportive of their marriage. And I’d be telling him everthing I think I could for him to win her back… because with MY BEST friend, I don’t want to see her marriage fall apart. But I’m not going to just tell her to stay… I’d be telling HIM what he needs to do, in my eyes to keep her… that is… if I had the slightest clue… Otherwise, they need to say to you… I don’t know what you can do, but I need to be available to her… Perhaps, for the sake of your marriage, you can encourage this… Maybe at this juncture these people who are involved now… need to encourage her to identify ways to stay. WHAT DOES SHE NEED TO HAPPEN?

Again, my prayers are with you…

 

[SonCatcher]

My wife is finally becoming aware of the consequences of divorce. She is worried about losing her health insurance, and doesn’t want to go back to work after 14 years as a stay at home mom. Yet, she no longer loves me, so how could she stay as my wife? She turned the love off like a faucet back in April, and has no desire to turn it back on. This state of limbo is taking more of a toll on her than on me, since I have more resources to help me cope (including this forum, thank you all so much) than she does. I talk to her sister more than she does, and her best friend and her uncle both feel she should try to stay in the marriage. She asked what would it take, I said marriage counseling, and she still is not interested, no different than back ini April. She will just have to swallow her pride and get a job, like most women in this country, and possibly go to school to retrain. She said she doesn’t want to go back to work. She is making this very difficult for herself.

TucDoc,

Do you think you could live as though brother and sister? That is a viable alternative. I know at least one couple who put up through hard times because neither wanted the consequences of divorce while they still had children around. When the children had gone, they remained married because they learned to tolerate their differences. One was a nonbeliever but may well have found grace through the believer’s faithfulness.

 

[tucdoc]

I will be taking the kids to California to see my family for Thanksgiving. My wife has chosen to stay at home alone. My mom had invited her, but she refuses to join us. Again, she is separating herself from others who could help her.

Faithfully, my wife doesn’t not want to be my partner. She thinks I want out of the marriage just to have sex. I explained that its not the sex but the companionship I miss. She doesn’t want to be with me, and I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve explained that she isn’t trapped in this marriage. She is free to go to any city with a baseball team, buy a place with the proceeds from the divorce, have an income from alimony, and watch as many baseball games as she wants. She then says she wants to be with the kids. The kids are as much my responsibility as hers, and they will be raised where we currently live. She is free to leave the marriage, but she is afraid because she is used to somebody taking care of her.

SonCatcher, my wife can’t be my sister. Maybe this is weakness on my part, but sex is a gift from God that is to be enjoyed within marriage. I was not promiscuous when I was young, believing it best to have sex after marriage. I feel I’m too young to give it up now, and I feel it’s wrong to engage in extra-marital sex. So, my options are limited.

 

[BlueShadow123]

TucDoc,

Do you think you could live as though brother and sister? That is a viable alternative. I know at least one couple who put up through hard times because neither wanted the consequences of divorce while they still had children around. When the children had gone, they remained married because they learned to tolerate their differences. One was a nonbeliever but may well have found grace through the believer’s faithfulness.

Children aren’t stupid. They probably wouldn’t want them to be together if they are putting on a show. That is absolutely ridiculous. I’m sure those kids knew their parents weren’t actually happy.

 

[BlueShadow123]

I will be taking the kids to California to see my family for Thanksgiving. My wife has chosen to stay at home alone. My mom had invited her, but she refuses to join us. Again, she is separating herself from others who could help her.

Faithfully, my wife doesn’t not want to be my partner. She thinks I want out of the marriage just to have sex. I explained that its not the sex but the companionship I miss. She doesn’t want to be with me, and I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve explained that she isn’t trapped in this marriage. She is free to go to any city with a baseball team, buy a place with the proceeds from the divorce, have an income from alimony, and watch as many baseball games as she wants. She then says she wants to be with the kids. The kids are as much my responsibility as hers, and they will be raised where we currently live. She is free to leave the marriage, but she is afraid because she is used to somebody taking care of her.

SonCatcher, my wife can’t be my sister. Maybe this is weakness on my part, but sex is a gift from God that is to be enjoyed within marriage. I was not promiscuous when I was young, believing it best to have sex after marriage. I feel I’m too young to give it up now, and I feel it’s wrong to engage in extra-marital sex. So, my options are limited.

You know Tudoc, after following your journey on this thread, you are actually quite a great guy. I just want you to know that if you and your wife do seperate, I believe that you will find somebody else who suits you. Somebody else who you can be happy with again. I really do, because I believe anybody can find somebody if they really look for it. Most of the time, you don’t need to look, you will just randomly meet them. So, please don’t ever be afraid of being alone, I HIGHLY doubt that will happen. If somebody wants a partner, they will be able to find one.

 

[qui_est_ce]

You know Tudoc, after following your journey on this thread, you are actually quite a great guy. I just want you to know that if you and your wife do seperate, I believe that you will find somebody else who suits you. Somebody else who you can be happy with again. I really do, because I believe anybody can find somebody if they really look for it. Most of the time, you don’t need to look, you will just randomly meet them. So, please don’t ever be afraid of being alone, I HIGHLY doubt that will happen. If somebody wants a partner, they will be able to find one.

As a Catholic, he is not free to marry after divorce. His first duty is to his children. He shouldn’t be dating around when he has children to raise.

Catholics place a high value on the single vocation (like St. Paul). Being married is no guarantee of escaping loneliness, as TUCOC’S situation shows.

 

[BlueShadow123]

As a Catholic, he is not free to marry after divorce. His first duty is to his children. He shouldn’t be dating around when he has children to raise.

Catholics place a high value on the single vocation (like St. Paul). Being married is no guarantee of escaping loneliness, as TUCOC’S situation shows.

Alright. Well I was just saying if he looks for somebody, he will find a person.