Wife has given up

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Praying for you TucDoc.

I can hear your deep pain. When the soul hemmorages, it’s profoundly painful.

What I found that can be comforting is thinking about myself with the Lord in the Garden as He experiences His agony. This is the time when He knew profound emotional and spiritual pain.
 
tucdoc said:
I appreciate everyones concern, and I realize that different people have different approaches. Ultimately, it is about doing God’s will. I feel God’s will is reflected in Dr. Dobson’s book Love Must Be Tough, that I cannot keep my wife in our marriage against her will. At the same time, I continue to encourage her to seek counseling, both for us and for herself.

We have another meeting with the divorce mediator tonight. She was supposed to fill out a budget sheet as a basis for alimony, but she hasn’t completed it yet. Her lifestyle will be severely affected by a divorce. Yet, she is still talking about going to baseball games next year. My therapist gave me a small card with the Divine Mercy depicted, with the caption “Jesus, I Trust in You!” I need to keep my focus on Him, realizing that He will help me through this, whatever the outcome. If I do God’s will, everything will eventually work out, regardless of how difficult the process.

Please continue your prayers.
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Keep your children close. As agonizing as it is for you, they are helpless innocent victims.

Has the mediator said anything about what happens to the house and who gets custody?

St. Monica, I pray, help this family.
Through Christ our Lord Amen

:signofcross::gopray2::signofcross:
 
Tucdoc, you continue to be in my prayers. I will continue to keep you in my prayers, especially with the hope that your wife will choose to work with you on your marriage.

God bless you.
 
I will get the kids 132 days a year (joint physical custody). She wants the house. It’s paid for, but she can’t afford the upkeep and her lifestyle on the proposed alimony, which is very generous. She is being very unrealistic. Please, everybody pray for her to have peace of mind in this process, so she won’t make bad decisions that will affect all of us the rest of our lives.
 
tucdoc said:
I will get the kids 132 days a year (joint physical custody). She wants the house. It’s paid for, but she can’t afford the upkeep and her lifestyle on the proposed alimony, which is very generous. She is being very unrealistic. Please, everybody pray for her to have peace of mind in this process, so she won’t make bad decisions that will affect all of us the rest of our lives.
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I’ve seen a change in you since you began posting here. At first it was all about you and how your wife’s behavior was affecting you. You have grown through this process. You are now asking for prayers for your wife. You’ve become more selfless. God is training you.

Keeping you in my prayers.
 
tucdoc said:
I will get the kids 132 days a year (joint physical custody). She wants the house. It’s paid for, but she can’t afford the upkeep and her lifestyle on the proposed alimony, which is very generous. She is being very unrealistic. Please, everybody pray for her to have peace of mind in this process, so she won’t make bad decisions that will affect all of us the rest of our lives.
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Praying for all of you Tucdoc.

May God help heal all the deep wounds that all of you are carrying.
 
The_Bucket said:
Why would you be flamed for this? You’re absolutely right. Women need to feel comfortable in the nests they’ve created and while they love for their men to do beta-type tasks like the laundry and the dishes from time to time, they don’t want their men to turn into the typical Western panzy. Women yearn for independence… the independence to CHOOSE to serve their husbands! But at the same time, they need a reason to make that choice and the reason is that their husbands are strong, firm, successful in one way or another and fiercely love them. Sure, turn on that softer side once in awhile but make it only once in awhile!

It’s not easy to be sure because that means all the responsibility is on us as men. It means we have to lead and if we screw up it’s on us. That’s a frightening position but it’s one we are called to be in as husbands and fathers. My first officer, my wife, gives good advice and runs day to day operations smoothly, but that nevertheless means I’m ultimately the one that makes the big decisions and has the final say. If you give that away women first become uncomfortable, then scared, then they find you repulsive because you can’t live up to the call of manhood. Sure that gets cloaked in various ways, but that’s the bottom line my friend.
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I fundamentally disagree with this assessment. It actually made me throw up just a little…
 
tucdoc said:
<<< I need to keep my focus on Him, realizing that He will help me through this, whatever the outcome. >>>
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That is EXACTLY what you need to do my friend. "Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink,…” Do not let that “wind and water” distract you from his outstretched hand.
tucdoc said:
Please continue your prayers.
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Count on it. :knight2:
 
Tucdoc, your family is in my prayers. I hope you are still seeing a therapist. Mine was incredibly helpful as a sanity check on how I was managing the kids. They initially didn’t need therapy to deal with the separation. But eventually did need it after their mom made some very significant decisions.
Pray for guidance, I told my kids I would keep in confidence anything they asked me to- poetry, worries etc. Unless I thought it was a safety matter that mom needed to know, but I would give them a chance to tell mom first themselves. I told my ex to do the same. That seemed to work well, I think it helped to start building the trust back up.
 
Merry Christmas to all, and thank you for your prayers and support this year.

I am taking the kids to New York next week to see my family, my wife is staying home. This is a prelude to future holidays if we move forward with the divorce. I initially planned the trip when we started the divorce mediation earlier this month, as an opportunity to get the kids away from the conflict and give my wife some breathing room. I later felt somewhat guilty of leaving my wife alone, and later invited her as well. She refused to join us, but I think she was hurt that we planned the trip at all. It would be difficult for the four of us to travel together right now, especially if we see my family. She had already stayed home alone at Thanksgiving instead of spending it with my family in California.

She is supposed to meed with her attorney and pay him a retainer next week. I’ve tried to talk her out of the divorce, telling her I still love her. She say she no longer has feelings towards me and withdraws when I try to touch her. She claims this is because she feels I took advantage of her sexually on multiple occasions in our marriage, that I expected sex even when she was not interested. I know this happens in marriages, but that it is wrong. She won’t believe me when she says I won’t do this again.

I’m afraid the marriage is over because she won’t give me another chance. I’ve told her repeatedly that I love her, but I’ve also become hurt and angry during the discussions on divorce. I’ve told her she spends too much money, that I won’t give her the alimony that would allow her to spend as much monthly as she presently does. She also will not be able to keep up with the costs of running the house without a job. She has no interest in working, saying her skills are 14 years old and she doesn’t want to retrain. I really don’t know how she will make it if we divorce. She says I am mean and hurtful because I bring this up, I say I love her and want her to know what will happen with a divorce.

Honestly, I’m not as apprehensive as I was this summer. I will accept what happens. As long as I know I’m following God’s will, as hard as it is, I know that ultimately it is the right thing to do.
 
Tucdoc,

Merry Christmas to you and yours. As I type this I’m waiting for my ex to come and visit the kids. The kids are excited about getting two rounds of gifts. First Christmas since the separation.

Keep praying, God doesn’t control free will so He may not be able to give you everything you want- but He will give you what you need.
 
tucdoc said:
My wife has seriously thought of divorce and now doesn’t like it. She admitted that she can’t make a budget and is afraid (rightfully so) that I won’t help her financially over and above what is ordered by the court. She really became distraught with the thought of me taking half the furniture, half the kitchen items and the piano (since I’m the one who plays). The realities of divorce are unappealing to her. Yet, she still says she want to see the Yankees in New York play. One option would be for me to take her myself. But if she insists on going with her “friend”… I would rather not play the divorce card. But I told her she needs to start respecting boundaries in our relationship and I am insisting we see a marriage counselor. I told her we both need to change and it is going to take work, and that a professional can help us. She sounded like she would rather stay unhappy to maintain her lifestyle. I told her that is not a good option and that it’s not good for her to stay this way. She said it would be painful to her if she had to recount all of the times that I hurt or disappointed her to another person. I said that at least that way she can get help in coming to terms with those episodes.
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So, the reason for going to the game is really to see the friend then, right? And you’re really just a money tree?

One thing I’ve not seen mentioned here anywhere is this: any competent psychotherapist will mention that IN GENERAL people will play out patterns in their lives over and over in an attempt to resolve them, until reasonably resolved.

The timing of these issues with your mother-in-laws death sounds to me like much of your wife’s unhappiness has NOTHING TO DO with the marriage. The issues are IN HER, and getting a divorce will not resolve them. All that will happen is that she’ll have the negatives of divorce and STILL HAVE the issues to resolve.

Perhaps the book she is reading will mention this. Perhaps you could nicely explain that you’ve learned this in talking to your therapist and that you are trying to work on some of those issues yourself - and that you’re concerned that its POSSIBLE that she may have some unresolved issues with her family or mom that might be clouding even further your marriage difficulties. Suggest that - if she wants to maintain the lifestyle and even a reasonably happy home, raise healthier kids, etc., it would make sense for her to at least consider seeing a therapist about this possibility. And further point out that many people shrink from seeing a therapist specifically because there is an underlying fear about consulting these issues.

Make clear that you are suggesting it for the good of her and the marriage. It’s her choice. And then drop it for awhile. Plant the seed and let it go.

It’s obvious that she’s looking for some help in resolving this. All you’re doing is giving her a reason to look for more help.
 
The divorce is almost certain. She has paid a retainer to her lawyer to review the proposals from the divorce mediator. She is seeing a financial planner to get an accurate idea of how much alimony to ask for. We have a parenting schedule drafted. This is the real thing.

I’m more resigned to the divorce than I was this fall. I can’t convince her to give me another chance. She prefers to stay angry at me calling her a b**** 9 months ago than to let it go. She also keeps referring to the times when she felt sexually used throughout our marriage. It doesn’t matter that I recognize that that was wrong, she won’t let that go either. I don’t know if she is using this as an excuse, since it is a sensitive subject, or if she really has developed PTSD such that she won’t let me touch her. Either way, it seems that the marriage won’t last more than a few months, so we won’t see our 15th anniversary this June. I’m hurt, but since there is nothing more I can do, I have to just trust that God’s will be done. I married in the Church, so our marriage is a sacrament, which is being broken by my wife’s unwillingness to forgive and move on. I could forgive her for her baseball “friends”, but she still doesn’t think the relationships were inappropriate.

I dread moving out, but I don’t have much of a choice. My wife suggested I stay in the house even after we divorce. I can’t see how this would work.
 
Oh ,Tucdoc, I didn’t read all the posts, but I read every one of yours. Your wife refused counseling, abandoned her religion, said she didn’t love you, kept going off with “friends”, even for overnighters with her friends, kept talking about her friend in the home, developed an interest in baseball for the first time through “friends”, started refusing to have sex with you when she started meeting “friends”, is very defensive about “friends”, doesn’t want to go to counseling because she might have to talk about friends, doesn’t want others at the kids school to know about friends because they might get the wrong idea, , blames you for everything even to the point of constantly bringing up very old wrongs, . , refuses to acknowledge that her relationship with friends is inappropriate even though it obviously is, gets mad when you suggest the relationship with friends is wrong, refuses to even allow a gentle touch from you. .
I mean to be honest it sounds to me like she has been having an affair with one of her friends even though she denied it. Most who are having an affair do deny it I think. . Could she have been seeming confused as to stay or go because she was trying to decide whether to leave you for him? . Gosh, it is hard to say that because I can tell you have been through hell with all this. When a person is having an affair they frequently blame the other for everything in an unreasonable manner to make them feel less guilty about what they are doing. They also frequently stop having sex with their partner, and frequently talk a lot about a special person, develop a new interest, like the baseball, of that person. I mean at a minimum she has been having an emotional affair but I have to wonder if it is sexual as well . Maybe I shouldn’t have posted this, I don’t know, but if that is what is going on maybe you can stop beating yourself up over why everything you tried to do to repair things seemed to not work. It also might give you better grounds for an annulment if the divorce takes place. Have you discussed the possibility of an affair with your with your counselor? I hate to say it but if it were me I think I might start snooping to see if you can tell if that is what has been going on unless you would rather not know. I would have snooped long ago. . I am so sorry if I am wrong and I have caused you added grief. I will say a prayer for you and your kids.
 
The hardest part about the “friends” is that the kids say that I’m over-reacting. They say “he’s just a friend, don’t you want mom to have friends?” They are too young to understand how inappropriate this all is, hopefully they will figure this out in the future. I accussed her of having emotional affairs with these guys months ago. Either she is very naive with very poor insight, or she is just lying to me. Even if nothing were going on, the fact that I find the friendships offensive should be enough reasons for her to give them up. I was reminded by one of the hospital workers that I didn’t take a thank you note from her college-age daughter home after I spent some time with her at work to give her an idea about the medical field. I was worried about that gesture being misperceived by my wife.

I repeatedly told my wife I would never take any female colleague or co-worker out to lunch, let alone dinner and a movie (which she did before I called her a b**** 9 months ago). She doesn’t want boundaries in the marriage, but I can’t tolerate an attitude of disrespect.
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
Tucdoc, is there a way you can possibly “empower” your wife with some of the finances?
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While she is using money to see other men, that seems less than wise.

Turdoc, I suggest that you tell her that while she has given up on being happy, that you have not, and that you want both of you to be happy. Therefore, you are willing to work at it. A condition for keeping the marriage is that she has to attend counseling with you for a minimum period - say 6 months.
 
kbacher, he has been trying for a very long time to get his wife in counseling. My impression is that he has been begging her and for a very long time. Not only that but she has been consulting a lawyer about divorce. I am all for doing everything you can to preserve a marriage but it just doesn’t sound like he has a willing partner.
ducdoc, the kids are too young to understand.
I guess maybe a lot of these discussions need to be out of their earshot?
I am so sorry you have had to undergo so much pain. Your kids are going to need you but you know that. Try to stay strong for them . Find a priest or good guy friend you can talk to just to share your feelings. What your wife has been doing in relation to her “FRIENDS” OR “FRIEND” is totally unacceptable.
 
I just noticed your wife suggested you stay in the house after the divorce. ???
This strikes me as bizarre. You say you are to move out? Since she gets the house I mean if she has no means of support how does she plan on maintaining that house? I am getting cynical I guess but is this possibly some attempt to have her cake and eat it to? She gets her freedom but tries to get you to still support her?
 
redroselover said:
I just noticed your wife suggested you stay in the house after the divorce. ???
This strikes me as bizarre. You say you are to move out? Since she gets the house I mean if she has no means of support how does she plan on maintaining that house? I am getting cynical I guess but is this possibly some attempt to have her cake and eat it to? She gets her freedom but tries to get you to still support her?
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While parading the “friends” in front of him and the kids. Not a good plan.
 
tucdoc said:
The hardest part about the “friends” is that the kids say that I’m over-reacting. They say “he’s just a friend, don’t you want mom to have friends?” They are too young to understand how inappropriate this all is, hopefully they will figure this out in the future.
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TheRealJuliane said:
While parading the “friends” in front of him and the kids. Not a good plan.
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I agree. It’s mental abuse. The kids need to know this is inappropriate in a marriage. Get through this. Be strong, be a good role model. Do what’s right. Be honest when they ask questions.

The kids will figure it out. Mine have. It’s sad to see them come to such a realization about a parent.
 
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