Kbachler, most of last year was an emotional ringer. A few weeks ago I called a suicide hotline in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep because I just didn’t think I could keep living like this, but was afraid my wife would continue to haunt me, asking for more money, and not let me go on with my life if we divorced. The volunteer asked if I had children and advised me to think about them and their well-being.
I know I’m more fortunate than most since I still have my profession, secured by a long-term employment contract. Nonetheless, I now realize how important my marriage is. Unfortunately, my wife feels the recognition is coming too late. Repeatedly I have asked her to reconsider, but she refuses. I no longer plead. I’ve spent hours trying to persuade her, but she would just start crying or get angry. Now I just make the offer/suggestion. But, I also ask her not to stay out of pity for me. I can make it through an unwanted divorce, as many other have. I remind her that she is the one who wants the divorce.
As redroselover said- find someone you can talk about everything to. Probably not wanting to talk to relatives/friends about personal stuff you’re hoping to keep between you and your wife, but you need someone to listen.
Tucdoc- you won’t continue to go on living like this. Things do change, this stage isn’t forever although it seems like it now. You can change things as well. You do have control, you are choosing to keep the options open, you are choosing to work with your wife right now. That does mean you’re depending on her responses- but that’s something you’re in control of, whether you continue to wait or not. But if it ever comes to the point that you would contemplate hurting yourself, than yes, seperation or divorce is a far better option. You can always remarry or reconcile. If you reach you’re breaking point it’s time to regroup. For your kids, they will always wonder why they weren’t enough to keep their Dad from doing something like that… (although it sounds like you just really needed someone to talk to).
Keep praying, God will give you amazing strength and stamina. I sleep on average 5 hrs per night for the last 18 months, with many sleepless nights. Mind racing, going over conversations we’ve had, or ones I would like to have. Normal. I haven’t gotten sick at all in that time.
Wife haunting you? Depends on you. How firmly you establish boundaries. That is something you control. If she chooses to not be your wife, she relinquishes any and all claim on your time. Dude, she has nothing to do with how you ‘go on with’ your life after a divorce. Nothing. She can make any demands she wants- to your voicemail or lawyer if you don’t want to talk to her, if that’s the boundary you need for your mental health. And your response can be No, no, no, no,. An ex has no right to make any demands on how you conduct yourself. I know you love her, you probably always will but when she makes this choice it has consequences. Her problem, not yours.
Fatigue. Tired people make mistakes. They also experience the ‘good enough’ syndrome. People who are typically meticulous and exact in their work become sloppy, settle for less than their usual standard. Don’t check records they normally would, don’t read things prior to signing them etc. You need to watch out for that, it affects judgment as well- quick decisions vice thinking things through. It also feeds despair, makes it harder to cope.
Workout/exercise. I’ve found this to be a wonderful coping mechanism. Tracking progress, burning nervous energy, helping my sleep to at least be solid if not long. It’s also built up my energy levels. A real head clearer.
Your comment- you know you’re fortunate to have a job. Yes. And kids that love you. And your health, and the ability to see, and a God who loves you, and a forum with people concerned for you, and a reliable car, the ability to take a deep appreciative breath without coughing… When you get down, write out every little thing you can appreciate. Focus on the positive when the negatives try to drag you down.
Find the stuff you can be proud of, being there for your kids. Don’t expect the pain to go away, it won’t. If my experience is anything, not for a long while. But I would rather feel pain than nothing- that’s true depression, and if you can’t feel pain you can’t feel anything else.
