Wife has given up

[TexasCatholic99]

I really do not recommend anything by Joel Osteen. He is what the Protestants call a “false prophet” or a “false teacher,” and his books are merely pop psychology and motivation with a little Scripture thrown in to charm the Christians. His daddy would be so horrified at what Joel has turned Lakewood Church into. There are many people who see through his prosperity entertainment extravaganza. Please do not feed his ego by continuing to buy his books. And I hope that you are not attending that “church.”

Wow, not sure how to answer this one TRJ. I have a real problem with this one, because I have never seen anything your saying as true. He doesn’t ask for money, he doesn’t want me to join his church, he doesn’t force me to buy his books (still scratching my head) and at the end of his sermon all he does is encourage you to find a good bible base church.

Yes, he invites you to join his church if you don’t have one, but so does our priest at the end of mass.

I think jealousy might be at work here, I hope not. All because this man has found a way to reach people in another/different way we find it so easy to criticize him “false prophet/ false teacher”, kind of like they did to Jesus.

No, I am not saying he is a prophet or even Jesus Christ.

A lot of what he preaches he does through parables, parables that are more up to date and easily understood by our current society.

You are aware of my situation with my wife. I have seen my priest(s), gone to bible studies, I have gone on retreat, I have been to marriage counseling and I read my bible every day. Although, I have found great comfort in all of these I still find myself going back to Joel Osteen and his way of teaching the word of God. Yes, I still go to mass every Sunday, I did not replace my church with him, I just added him to my religious education. There is definitely something there.

If you haven’t seen or read anything about him I would like to encourage you to give it a shot. I think you will find that your friends have misinformed you and that you will find great joy and comfort in his way of spreading the word.

Yep, you are right; he isn’t like anything we have seen in a while. As far as his Daddy being horrified, I can’t imagine any father being horrified at a son who has been able to gain the amount of followers he has, purchase the Compaq Center, gives guidance to our nation’s political leadership, gives guidance to religious leaders and has a TV show that reaches millions of people with the word of God.

I have been to Lakewood Church, so I am trying to understand what you mean by “Entertainment Extravaganza”. Without a doubt if he were my son I would be very proud of him.

Please do yourself a favor and listen to him with an open mind and heart and see if he doesn’t reach you in some shape, way or form. I think you will find that it is just a “different” way of teaching all of us the word of God.

Sorry Tuc, didn’t mean to intrude.

God Bless,
TC99

 

[hurting]

Love and "Big Mistake Small Mistake"

Tuc, I work as a consultant to large corporations, and I often have to persuade people One of the tools I use is called “Big Mistake Small Mistake”

If you have a chance, you might want to try plantng this sort of fought in her brain, and then let it go, let her cogitate on it…

Sart by saying that you love her, and you love your family, and you want your family and marriage to work more than anything else. It is your overriding priority.

That said, as you have worked through everything - not to say that you don’t still have much to work through - you neeed to consider what is the best thing for your family moving forward? To stay together or not stay together…?

And you looked at it this way. That you had learned a lot, and that she has learned a lot, and that while both of you still have much work to do, you realized that the possibility of being together and both of you continuing to be miserable in the future is very small - because you both want so badly for your family and yourselves to be together and to be happy. So staying together - if it is a mistake - is probably at worst only a small mistake, because you can see the commitment everyone would have to improving themselves and the family.

But when you consider being separated, the impact it would have on your children,the loss of your wife - “a pearl of great value” - the fact that you won’t be challenged to grow and improve in the same way - that you won’t be challenged to better yourself in the same way - that there is a BIG chance that losing all these things is a BIG mistake - that the loss of the potential life that you could have with your wife and family is too large of a price. And this doesn’t even include the damage to the individual lifestyles and quality of life outside of the family aspect for your children, you and your wife.

Said the right way (tweaked for your wife) this sets up an argument that she’ll mull over and start to say “Wow, some of this really makes sense. Do I really want to lose all of that - for what upside?”

Think about it.

This might be one of the best posts I have ever seen on this forum. I have tried this line of logic with my own wife, but sadly, to no avail.

 

[Serap]

**Originally Posted by kbachler
Love and “Big Mistake Small Mistake”

Tuc, I work as a consultant to large corporations, and I often have to persuade people One of the tools I use is called “Big Mistake Small Mistake”

If you have a chance, you might want to try plantng this sort of fought in her brain, and then let it go, let her cogitate on it…

Sart by saying that you love her, and you love your family, and you want your family and marriage to work more than anything else. It is your overriding priority.

That said, as you have worked through everything - not to say that you don’t still have much to work through - you neeed to consider what is the best thing for your family moving forward? To stay together or not stay together…?

And you looked at it this way. That you had learned a lot, and that she has learned a lot, and that while both of you still have much work to do, you realized that the possibility of being together and both of you continuing to be miserable in the future is very small - because you both want so badly for your family and yourselves to be together and to be happy. So staying together - if it is a mistake - is probably at worst only a small mistake, because you can see the commitment everyone would have to improving themselves and the family.

But when you consider being separated, the impact it would have on your children,the loss of your wife - “a pearl of great value” - the fact that you won’t be challenged to grow and improve in the same way - that you won’t be challenged to better yourself in the same way - that there is a BIG chance that losing all these things is a BIG mistake - that the loss of the potential life that you could have with your wife and family is too large of a price. And this doesn’t even include the damage to the individual lifestyles and quality of life outside of the family aspect for your children, you and your wife.

Said the right way (tweaked for your wife) this sets up an argument that she’ll mull over and start to say “Wow, some of this really makes sense. Do I really want to lose all of that - for what upside?”

Think about it.**

I too think this is excellent advice…best advice I’ve read in a long time.

 

[90Domer]

Tuc, we haven’t heard from you in a while, so I hope that means that things are going well and healing is taking place. Continued prayers from me.

God bless.

 

[tucdoc]

My wife does not want to stay married to me. She wants to move forward on the divorce. We have a court date set for December 7. My attorney has drafted a proposal that will allow her to stay in the house, to hopefully avoid court which she has repeatedly expressed that she wants to avoid. I realize that I cannot reason with her or beg her to stay in the marriage. I’ve tried for over a year without success. She will not let go of the past hurts, and last time we spoke on the phone she cried about things that happened years ago. She cannot move forward to see the possibility that the marriage could be good for both of us, as well as for the children. When she does text me, all she does is ask for money. I want to be more than an ATM to her, but I won’t be just an ATM. I can’t deal with the constant contempt and resentment she was showing me last year, and that she will relate via text message on occasion. She has not changed, and the last time we spoke on the phone she mentioned that she is still friends with the guy she told that she wasn’t happy with the marriage a year and a half ago. This is the same guy she was going to met up with last fall after the last baseball game we went to as a family (she even brought a dress to wear, but didn’t because I insisted we go out as a family). She has expressed no regret or remorse about flying off to New York with the other guy.

I’m ready to move forward, to not stay bitter or angry. Two people are required for a marriage. I cannot do this by myself. I know I’ll be O.K. I can rebuild my life and strive to have the best relationship I can with my children. Hopefully they will see that the big house doesn’t make you happy. I already told my son that my mistake was thinking it was my job to make mom happy. We are responsible for our own happiness, no one else is, and we aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness, they are.

 

[Serap]

My wife does not want to stay married to me. She wants to move forward on the divorce. We have a court date set for December 7. My attorney has drafted a proposal that will allow her to stay in the house, to hopefully avoid court which she has repeatedly expressed that she wants to avoid. I realize that I cannot reason with her or beg her to stay in the marriage. I’ve tried for over a year without success. She will not let go of the past hurts, and last time we spoke on the phone she cried about things that happened years ago. She cannot move forward to see the possibility that the marriage could be good for both of us, as well as for the children. When she does text me, all she does is ask for money. I want to be more than an ATM to her, but I won’t be just an ATM. I can’t deal with the constant contempt and resentment she was showing me last year, and that she will relate via text message on occasion. She has not changed, and the last time we spoke on the phone she mentioned that she is still friends with the guy she told that she wasn’t happy with the marriage a year and a half ago. This is the same guy she was going to met up with last fall after the last baseball game we went to as a family (she even brought a dress to wear, but didn’t because I insisted we go out as a family). She has expressed no regret or remorse about flying off to New York with the other guy.

I’m ready to move forward, to not stay bitter or angry. Two people are required for a marriage. I cannot do this by myself. I know I’ll be O.K. I can rebuild my life and strive to have the best relationship I can with my children. Hopefully they will see that the big house doesn’t make you happy. I already told my son that my mistake was thinking it was my job to make mom happy. We are responsible for our own happiness, no one else is, and we aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness, they are.

She’s selfish and toxic. She is projecting negativity onto you. You are not her emotional scapegoat.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m ready to move forward, to not stay bitter or angry. Two people are required for a marriage. I cannot do this by myself. I know I’ll be O.K. I can rebuild my life and strive to have the best relationship I can with my children. Hopefully they will see that the big house doesn’t make you happy. I already told my son that my mistake was thinking it was my job to make mom happy. We are responsible for our own happiness, no one else is, and we aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness, they are.

This is possibly the best gift you can give your children–that they grow up knowing this for their own life, for their own future relationships. Had your wife learned this lesson herself as a child, you would not be where you are today.

I have no doubt that you are ready to move on, and that in time, yes, you will be okay, tucdoc. Hopefully, someone will have learned something helpful from your sharing of your story over all this time. I wish you nothing but peace and contentment. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Big_Dummy]

My wife has become emtionally distant after finally telling me she has been unhappy for years. This despite having a comfortable lifestyle and two beautiful healthy children. In fact, she has new “friends” (males) who I believe are meeting her emotional needs. Baseball is her passion and she met these “friends” at games she went to on her own. It has gotten to the point where we cannot go out to dinner, but she has tried to have dinner with these “friends”. I told her no, and she was very upset. She sees no problem with them, I accuse her of being in a fog. She won’t let me hug or kiss her. I’m concerned that her lack of love in the home is starting to affect the children. I will not move out. It’s just hard to see how the marriage can last if she refuses to put any effort into it and refuses to go to counseling.

Now, what do you think you did wrong?

What does she say you are doing wrong?

Sounds like things went off track a long time ago. Until you admit your faults and ask forgiveness and mean it. Things will not get better and you will not get her to a good family counselor. I suggest you seek out a counselor who is NOT religious.

 

[faithfully]

Now, what do you think you did wrong?

What does she say you are doing wrong?

Sounds like things went off track a long time ago. Until you admit your faults and ask forgiveness and mean it. Things will not get better and you will not get her to a good family counselor. I suggest you seek out a counselor who is NOT religious.

Hey BD… You might want to read back SEVERAL pages…

Why do you think he should see a counselor who is NOT religious? What would that change?

 

[Serap]

Now, what do you think you did wrong?

What does she say you are doing wrong?

Sounds like things went off track a long time ago. Until you admit your faults and ask forgiveness and mean it. Things will not get better and you will not get her to a good family counselor. I suggest you seek out a counselor who is NOT religious.

tudoc has tried EVERYTHING. this woman has issues, not Tudoc. He has admitted his faults and done EVERYTHING.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Now, what do you think you did wrong?

What does she say you are doing wrong?

Sounds like things went off track a long time ago. Until you admit your faults and ask forgiveness and mean it. Things will not get better and you will not get her to a good family counselor. I suggest you seek out a counselor who is NOT religious.

Tucdoc-
This persons has aptly chosen his handle.

Prayers for your kids. It’s hard enough to be their age without having all this put on them too.

 

[tucdoc]

The main thing my wife says I did wrong is “you forgot to love your wife”. I’m not sure what she means. I guess being faithful and a good provider are not signs of love, at least for her. She may have wanted more physical affection, rather than just sex, or words of tenderness. Admittedly, I could have given her more of this, had I known this was her definition of love. When I did offer to do these things, she said it was too late. They would not be genuine, but rather forced and insincere. She didn’t understand how we learn what our partners like through trial and error, and although they may not initially be “natural”, they can eventually be “second nature” and ultimately spontaneous. I was not aware of how emotionally immature she really is until she said she didn’t love me anymore. Real love is not conditional on the other person always doing what we want.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc,

I hope your kids are doing well and that they feel like they have a home with you vice it being a place they visit. Enjoy whatever time you have with them, it goes by so fast. I’m so glad I have full physical custody of my kids I don’t know how I could have handled things otherwise. It’s a small gift to my kids to leave while their mother visits. You are still in my prayers.

The kids and I have been watching disney movies each night together (and they’re 13 and 15!!)

 

[massy7890]

Hi,
I am very sad to hear your story but in this crucial time you need to act smartly and strongly. If the love in between you and your wife is true then definitely she will come back to you. you just need to keep patience, make strong and fair decisions and everything would be fine.

---

Loss Adjusters

 

[Serap]

Hi,
I am very sad to hear your story but in this crucial time you need to act smartly and strongly. If the love in between you and your wife is true then definitely she will come back to you. you just need to keep patience, make strong and fair decisions and everything would be fine.

---

Loss Adjusters

Unfortunately, his wife won’t be coming back. She’s too consumed by hating her husband. He has become her emotional scapegoat.

 

[Big_Dummy]

Tucdoc-
This persons has aptly chosen his handle.

Prayers for your kids. It’s hard enough to be their age without having all this put on them too.

Take into account you are only hearing one side of the story and you are assuming that is the full truth of the matter. I bet if you hear her side, you would not make foolish statements like above.

 

[Serap]

Take into account you are only hearing one side of the story and you are assuming that is the full truth of the matter. I bet if you hear her side, you would not make foolish statements like above.

You need to read through ALL the posts and see that this guy has admitted to all of his faults. He has told us her side many times.

READ

 

[Big_Dummy]

tudoc has tried EVERYTHING. this woman has issues, not Tudoc. He has admitted his faults and done EVERYTHING.

Proverbs 18:13
He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

Proverbs 18:17
He that is first in his own cause seemeth just; but his neighbour cometh and searcheth him.

for us to take sides is just plain foolish. He needs to honestly examine himself. And, they need to work together. You are only hearing one side of the story and appartenly rushed to judgement without hearing her side. And, frankly it is not our place to hear either side – that belongs to an unbias third party. It is my experience that religious counselors are unable to be unbias.

 

[Irishmom2]

And, frankly it is not our place to hear either side – that belongs to an unbias third party. It is my experience that religious counselors are unable to be unbias.

It is our “place” because he asked it to be.

Your experience shows that you are unable to be unbiased.

 

[Big_Dummy]

Hey BD… You might want to read back SEVERAL pages…

Why do you think he should see a counselor who is NOT religious? What would that change?

It is my experience that religious counselors are unable to be unbias and objective. Also, I have seen some really bad advice from religious counselors like telling an abused wife to “submit” to her husband. They have turned a blind eye to abuse in the past and will likely continue to do so. If this is a case where he is abusing her – we do not know, then the last counselor on earth she will want to go to is religious. She may very well agree to go to a counselor who is not religious, but will refuse to go to a religous one or go to a priest because of the cover up of abuses in the past. He needs to find a source that both will agree on going to.