Wife has given up

[qui_est_ce]

Amen sister, you said it.

God Bless you my friend, I have been through some of what you are going through. I would give it a little more time. It seems to have worked for me, so far. And it also sounds like it can work for you. I would move back in, but with the understanding that there will be no separation and that we need to work things out. Sometimes our partners need to know that you can be firm but fair. I believe that people in general respect that. Obviously, you need to do it with a kind heart. If she refuses then still give it time, what’s the rush?

In the last 7 months I have learned so much about being a better Catholic, husband and father. Probably the most important thing that I have learned was that I am not #1, nor will I ever be #1. You have not only to believe it, you have to live it. I give now not expecting much in return, I think that is the true meaning of love, self sacrifice. It’s very difficult for us guys to do that, especially if we are not use to it.

I have been through several types of “therapy” sessions. Right now I am in a program called “That man is you” (you can google it, there is also a similar program for women). It is being given by my catholic church. It is teaching me so much, but more than that the people that are at my table are teaching me as well. I have also been to marriage counseling and a retreat called ACTS.

You see my friend, I learned a long time ago that if you don’t REALLY CHANGE who you are or what you do then please don’t expect anything else to change. And change takes time. That being said, you CANNOT change someone who does not want to change either. That person has to change on their own, but meanwhile your actions should help that person decide whether or not they want to change. Hopefully that makes sense.

It has been 7 months since my wife asked me for a divorce. Since then, she has put the word “Divorce” aside and we are now communicating and on a positive note more intimate. Maybe not as often in the bedroom, but out in public and in front of the kids we give each other kisses and hugs all of the time. I try and kiss her when she gets home from work and I give her hugs often. And a few months back she started returning them. We go out on a date every other weekend when she doesn’t work (because she works every other weekend). The weeks that she has to work weekends I try and take her out to lunch on one of her off days. She usually picks all of the places we go. You see my friend, I don’t care where we go or what we do, the only thing that matters is that I am spending time with her and for that small amount of time I am all hers. She gets my undivided attention. I look her in the eyes when she speaks to me and we actually have great conversations.

She still refuses to go to counseling or see a priest, so I don’t pressure her anymore. But, she has improved her outlook on our relationship somewhat. The other day we (the family) went and saw COURAGIOUS, a movie she refused to see with me earlier because she thought it was too religious. I was shocked when she went with us, she fought it a little but when she saw that it did not bother me she went anyway. I told her that if she did not want to go then she didn’t have to, but that the kids and I were going.

I believe that she doesn’t want to get too involved with the church because she is feeling guilty about her previous actions (wanting to Divorce me). This past Saturday she came back from running 4 miles and I was lying in bed and she came up and kissed me, then she came back a few minutes later and kissed me again. Later that day we all went to mass.

Faith in my God, the Love I have for my wife and learning which battles are worth fighting was MY key to not only a happier marriage but to a happier me.

LET GO AND LET GOD, he knows what he is doing.
God Bless
TC99
I am so happy for you and your family! Thank you for sharing.

 

[jesuspsr]

Amen sister, you said it.

God Bless you my friend, I have been through some of what you are going through. I would give it a little more time. It seems to have worked for me, so far. And it also sounds like it can work for you. I would move back in, but with the understanding that there will be no separation and that we need to work things out. Sometimes our partners need to know that you can be firm but fair. I believe that people in general respect that. Obviously, you need to do it with a kind heart. If she refuses then still give it time, what’s the rush?

In the last 7 months I have learned so much about being a better Catholic, husband and father. Probably the most important thing that I have learned was that I am not #1, nor will I ever be #1. You have not only to believe it, you have to live it. I give now not expecting much in return, I think that is the true meaning of love, self sacrifice. It’s very difficult for us guys to do that, especially if we are not use to it.

I have been through several types of “therapy” sessions. Right now I am in a program called “That man is you” (you can google it, there is also a similar program for women). It is being given by my catholic church. It is teaching me so much, but more than that the people that are at my table are teaching me as well. I have also been to marriage counseling and a retreat called ACTS.

You see my friend, I learned a long time ago that if you don’t REALLY CHANGE who you are or what you do then please don’t expect anything else to change. And change takes time. That being said, you CANNOT change someone who does not want to change either. That person has to change on their own, but meanwhile your actions should help that person decide whether or not they want to change. Hopefully that makes sense.

It has been 7 months since my wife asked me for a divorce. Since then, she has put the word “Divorce” aside and we are now communicating and on a positive note more intimate. Maybe not as often in the bedroom, but out in public and in front of the kids we give each other kisses and hugs all of the time. I try and kiss her when she gets home from work and I give her hugs often. And a few months back she started returning them. We go out on a date every other weekend when she doesn’t work (because she works every other weekend). The weeks that she has to work weekends I try and take her out to lunch on one of her off days. She usually picks all of the places we go. You see my friend, I don’t care where we go or what we do, the only thing that matters is that I am spending time with her and for that small amount of time I am all hers. She gets my undivided attention. I look her in the eyes when she speaks to me and we actually have great conversations.

She still refuses to go to counseling or see a priest, so I don’t pressure her anymore. But, she has improved her outlook on our relationship somewhat. The other day we (the family) went and saw COURAGIOUS, a movie she refused to see with me earlier because she thought it was too religious. I was shocked when she went with us, she fought it a little but when she saw that it did not bother me she went anyway. I told her that if she did not want to go then she didn’t have to, but that the kids and I were going.

I believe that she doesn’t want to get too involved with the church because she is feeling guilty about her previous actions (wanting to Divorce me). This past Saturday she came back from running 4 miles and I was lying in bed and she came up and kissed me, then she came back a few minutes later and kissed me again. Later that day we all went to mass.

Faith in my God, the Love I have for my wife and learning which battles are worth fighting was MY key to not only a happier marriage but to a happier me.

LET GO AND LET GOD, he knows what he is doing.
God Bless
TC99

So good to hear from you TexasCatholic99. And what great post.
See how your experience can benifit others.
Praying for you all.

God bless

jesus g

 

[cviolette]

Are you giving her money above and beyond what you are required by the court? No wonder she can afford to “have” the spill cleaned up.

You need to stop subsidizing her and let her be responsible for her own consequences.

She’s got the best of both worlds. You have the worst.

I agree with qui.

You are not doing her any favors by bailing her out. She needs to act like an adult and learn to live on a budget.

 

[nonanon]

I am so happy for you and your family! Thank you for sharing.

Thank you and bless you too, qui!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I can’t tell you how many times I heard my husband similar to the bolded. The fact that he felt that way let me know just how little he appreciated me and what I do for the family. I still get so angry at my husband for not being there during a very dark period in my life. Not only for me but for my kids because I was not capable of being a good mom at the time. I know that now. I didn’t know it at the time.

Faithfully has a good point. She could be self medicating her depression with spending. I self medicated too but it just made mine get worse. Turning to God and therapy helped me get better. When I think back to that time in my life, it doesn’t seem like it was even me. I was so lost. I needed my husband to throw me a life jacket and he threw me an anchor.

I agree with a lot of what angel says. But then again, I can relate to your wife.

Glad to see you back! And your post seems positive, praise God for that.

I know that for me, when I felt the most neglected by my husband, I told myself that I was not going to suffer along acting like a pauper while he was jetting all over in business class, and he was away from the family for half the year. I had to have fun however I could. We are both thrifty by nature but I felt like I could at least be comfortable and not pinching pennies. I have a tendency to become a martyr and make myself a saint when I am deprived, so I fought that by taking the boys out to dinner when we felt like it, buying books, etc. although I never spend us into debt. Of course material things never can compensate for true emotional intimacy and cherishing in a marriage. I have still been so lonely, and we have gone through a lot of pain through this separation.

I pray that tucdoc and his wife will be reconciled.

 

[tucdoc]

TexasCatholic99, the only thing my wife wants from me right now is to pay her bills, especially medical bills for stress-related problems, for which she blames me because I’m causing her so much stress. I saw my (Catholic) therapist today, and she reminded me that a year ago when I had asked my wife to meet with her, my wife had said she did not want to be married to me anymore. My wife did admit when I spoke to her last week (after she called asking for more money) that her good friend felt that she was still loved me because she still has strong feeling towards me. I asked her if she loved me, and she answered how hurt she is. She claims all she wants to do is raise our kids, but insists on the financial support to maintain her lifestyle, a position which her attorney has made very clear.

I cannot see us moving forward without a strong reconciliation plan. We were in limbo all of this summer, until a court date was set on my request. During that time she continued to harass me about not having enough money, and criticize me on how I was caring for the kids. At least with a court date looming, I can have closure to this miserable time in my life. If she even made a small gesture towards reconciliation, I would be hopeful. But her utter lack of respect and irresponsibility makes me apprehensive of reconciling if she doesn’t make an effort to change.

 

[qui_est_ce]

We might want to start a new thread, because this one will be shut down when it reaches 1,000 posts. We are up to 983.

 

[TexasCatholic99]

TexasCatholic99, the only thing my wife wants from me right now is to pay her bills, especially medical bills for stress-related problems, for which she blames me because I’m causing her so much stress. I saw my (Catholic) therapist today, and she reminded me that a year ago when I had asked my wife to meet with her, my wife had said she did not want to be married to me anymore. My wife did admit when I spoke to her last week (after she called asking for more money) that her good friend felt that she was still loved me because she still has strong feeling towards me. I asked her if she loved me, and she answered how hurt she is. She claims all she wants to do is raise our kids, but insists on the financial support to maintain her lifestyle, a position which her attorney has made very clear.

God Bless you my brother, my wife had almost the same feelings. The only difference between our wives is probably the amount of money they each wanted. My wife wanted half of my retirement (Military and of my current job); she wanted me to pay for her medical bills and the kid’s medical bills as well. She wanted to go back to college and take one class per semester; she wanted a new phone, new laptop, a new car, a gun and a few other things. Obviously, it’s probably nickels and dimes compared to what your wife wants. But, I gave some of it to her. Not all at once, but over the past several months and in a special way.

3 months ago I started a small college fund for her and she will start back up in the spring, I send the money straight to her account in an allotment form so that she can manage it, not me. One evening I took her out for dinner and then we went to an electronics store and I bought her a laptop (she already had an older one), she was so shocked she didn’t know which one to buy. Of course I gave her a $$ limit, but she understood that it was a gift and that I wanted to do it. She has always wanted to shoot guns and for lunch one day I took her to a local indoor range and we shot for about an hour, she loved it and was really appreciative of it all, you see, I didn’t give her a gun but I entertained her want. She was so excited she didn’t even want to go out and eat afterwards.

The only thing I stood firm on was the new car. I stood my ground and explained to her how financially irresponsible that would be of me to do until I knew for sure that we were going to be together and that she was going to commit to this relationship. I told her that when I felt that we were both leading a Christian life again then we would talk about getting her a new car. But, I am currently giving her car a tune-up and recently put new brakes on it. I also explained to her that if we bought a new car it would be something that we could afford and still live comfortably.

To me it’s only money, no, I do not make a lot of it, but if buying her these small things makes her happy then I guess it did its job. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t get everything she wants. She has an allowance and so do I, and they are the same amount. The rest of our money goes into the family checking account (maybe your wife needs an allowance?). I hope that doesn’t sound childish and nobody takes it out of context, I get an allowance also.

At the beginning of this year (Before I knew she wanted a divorce) she wanted to separate our accounts and bills. She claimed that she wanted a little independence; little did I know that she was planning her exit/divorce. I gave in and did it. Two weeks ago at lunch she told me she wanted to reunite our accounts and work on getting things on the right track, she said it before but had added that it was for the sake of the kids. This time it was for us and not the kids.

It took a long time, ideally it was only a little over 7 months ago, but you would agree that that is a life time when you are in limbo.

Your wife might have a $$ problem and might need help, I don’t know, I am not a doctor. But, whatever it is I am sure God will figure it out. I also know that things do not look that good right now, but it will get better brother. Maybe you can sit down with her and figure out a budget that will work for both of you? That will show her that you care and are willing to help out. If she agrees, pray before you meet her that your meeting will go well. It has to start somewhere, maybe this can be a starting point for both of you? Fight only the battles you think are worthy of fighting.

The last piece of advice I will leave you with is this. Live the life that Jesus lived and give (I know it is hard, I have had to come to grips with it myself). Forgive not seven times, but seven times seventy.

If you ever want to speak to me you can send me a private message and I will give you my contact information. I do not claim to be that smart about it all, just experienced.
God Bless and take care my brother,
TC99

 

[cviolette]

Glad to see you back! And your post seems positive, praise God for that.

I know that for me, when I felt the most neglected by my husband, I told myself that I was not going to suffer along acting like a pauper while he was jetting all over in business class, and he was away from the family for half the year. I had to have fun however I could. We are both thrifty by nature but I felt like I could at least be comfortable and not pinching pennies. I have a tendency to become a martyr and make myself a saint when I am deprived, so I fought that by taking the boys out to dinner when we felt like it, buying books, etc. although I never spend us into debt. Of course material things never can compensate for true emotional intimacy and cherishing in a marriage. I have still been so lonely, and we have gone through a lot of pain through this separation.

I pray that tucdoc and his wife will be reconciled.

Thanks Juliane. Things are much better. Marriage is the same but I am happy. I am focusing on God, my kids and volunteer work. I trust that God has a plan for me.

 

[Serap]

TexasCatholic99, the only thing my wife wants from me right now is to pay her bills, especially medical bills for stress-related problems, for which she blames me because I’m causing her so much stress. I saw my (Catholic) therapist today, and she reminded me that a year ago when I had asked my wife to meet with her, my wife had said she did not want to be married to me anymore. My wife did admit when I spoke to her last week (after she called asking for more money) that her good friend felt that she was still loved me because she still has strong feeling towards me. I asked her if she loved me, and she answered how hurt she is. She claims all she wants to do is raise our kids, but insists on the financial support to maintain her lifestyle, a position which her attorney has made very clear.

I cannot see us moving forward without a strong reconciliation plan. We were in limbo all of this summer, until a court date was set on my request. During that time she continued to harass me about not having enough money, and criticize me on how I was caring for the kids. At least with a court date looming, I can have closure to this miserable time in my life. If she even made a small gesture towards reconciliation, I would be hopeful. But her utter lack of respect and irresponsibility makes me apprehensive of reconciling if she doesn’t make an effort to change.

Yeah tucdoc, please begin another thread so we can continue.

“Wife has given up Part 2”

 

[qui_est_ce]

Yeah tucdoc, please begin another thread so we can continue.

“Wife has given up Part 2”

Here is Wife has given up part 2

 

[fieldlillies]

My wife has become emtionally distant after finally telling me she has been unhappy for years. This despite having a comfortable lifestyle and two beautiful healthy children. In fact, she has new “friends” (males) who I believe are meeting her emotional needs. Baseball is her passion and she met these “friends” at games she went to on her own. It has gotten to the point where we cannot go out to dinner, but she has tried to have dinner with these “friends”. I told her no, and she was very upset. She sees no problem with them, I accuse her of being in a fog. She won’t let me hug or kiss her. I’m concerned that her lack of love in the home is starting to affect the children. I will not move out. It’s just hard to see how the marriage can last if she refuses to put any effort into it and refuses to go to counseling.

Dear Tucdoc, First, I am very sorry to hear of the end of your marriage…divorce is painful to everyone even when a marriage has not been what it should be…my sister-in-law divorced my brother because of an adulterous affair…regardless of his affair, he did not want to break up his marriage (I know he never meant to hurt anyone, including the woman he had an affair with)…she deeply regretted her decision and still would like to get back with my brother over 10 years later and even though I know he cares deeply for her, I do not think this will ever happen…

She and her family bad mouthed my brother terribly…far beyond any of his transgressions…the kids–all of whom were out of K-12 (except one) were deeply hurt and confused by everything; however, my brother never bad mouthed his ex and even though she stated that she could have asked for more, she was satisfied with her settlement–

Over 10 years later, everyone is friends and whatever bad mouthing she did of her children’s father left no effect…I think it is very true that when you sling mud you always get some on you and usually people, even children, see through the bitterness and remember all the good things their father did and does for them…he and his children are very close now and he and his wife actually work together in a company he started (although both of them have significant others)…

I know the issue of how to give to his children has been colored by all of this…because after he lost his wife, he feared loosing his children…and children, even older ones, are great at playing one parent against the other to get what they want…so he admits he has given more to them than he probably should at times partly out of fear…it is all well and fine to say well this is what I am legally obligated to do but there are far more to famlial relationships than legalities…nevertheless, they are all working (two in the family business he started) and they may be a little spoiled but then their father is very wealthy so that probably would have happened anyway…

I suspect your wife simply may not know how to properly manage money and may well be under the impression that what she gets will go a lot further than it actually will…I suspect she also thinks you have more funds available to give her than you actually do…it would be great if she could somehow be influenced to visit her local United Way Consumer Credit Counseling Agency…this service is free (make sure it is not a for profit Consumer Credit Counseling Agency) and they really help people who have never lived within a budget before…because if she does not know how to manage money, it will make no difference how much you give or do not give her…she will never be able to make ends meet…I don’t know who at this point who can persuade her to seek this help but she will feel so much better about herself if she can learn to control her finances…it is so liberating to be running your finances instead of the other way around…perhaps you can think of some mutual acquaintance who might broach this subject with her…

I will pray for you and all of your family but I want you to know that things do often get better with time, love and prayers…

Sincerely,

Fieldlillies

 

[Serap]

Dear Tucdoc, First, I am very sorry to hear of the end of your marriage…divorce is painful to everyone even when a marriage has not been what it should be…my sister-in-law divorced my brother because of an adulterous affair…regardless of his affair, he did not want to break up his marriage (I know he never meant to hurt anyone, including the woman he had an affair with)…she deeply regretted her decision and still would like to get back with my brother over 10 years later and even though I know he cares deeply for her, I do not think this will ever happen…

She and her family bad mouthed my brother terribly…far beyond any of his transgressions…the kids–all of whom were out of K-12 (except one) were deeply hurt and confused by everything; however, my brother never bad mouthed his ex and even though she stated that she could have asked for more, she was satisfied with her settlement–

Over 10 years later, everyone is friends and whatever bad mouthing she did of her children’s father left no effect…I think it is very true that when you sling mud you always get some on you and usually people, even children, see through the bitterness and remember all the good things their father did and does for them…he and his children are very close now and he and his wife actually work together in a company he started (although both of them have significant others)…

I know the issue of how to give to his children has been colored by all of this…because after he lost his wife, he feared loosing his children…and children, even older ones, are great at playing one parent against the other to get what they want…so he admits he has given more to them than he probably should at times partly out of fear…it is all well and fine to say well this is what I am legally obligated to do but there are far more to famlial relationships than legalities…nevertheless, they are all working (two in the family business he started) and they may be a little spoiled but then their father is very wealthy so that probably would have happened anyway…

I suspect your wife simply may not know how to properly manage money and may well be under the impression that what she gets will go a lot further than it actually will…I suspect she also thinks you have more funds available to give her than you actually do…it would be great if she could somehow be influenced to visit her local United Way Consumer Credit Counseling Agency…this service is free (make sure it is not a for profit Consumer Credit Counseling Agency) and they really help people who have never lived within a budget before…because if she does not know how to manage money, it will make no difference how much you give or do not give her…she will never be able to make ends meet…I don’t know who at this point who can persuade her to seek this help but she will feel so much better about herself if she can learn to control her finances…it is so liberating to be running your finances instead of the other way around…perhaps you can think of some mutual acquaintance who might broach this subject with her…

I will pray for you and all of your family but I want you to know that things do often get better with time, love and prayers…

Sincerely,

Fieldlillies

great post!

 

[Christian_G]

I am in a similar situation. I have found a way to not only survive, but to thrive. I know that one day, hopefully soon, my beloved wife will find peace.
You can follow my weekly blog on this topic at: theblessingsofachallengingmarriage.blogspot.com/b/post-preview?token=SJ4VTjUBAAA.8e67QDXqZij0GDGYQSuONA.cw4WBrkyVQp32onz3Yii4A&postId=2352249530421478497&type=POST
I know that many are in similar situations. My goal is to bring hope and peace. These come through growing in Faith and finding the power to forgive.
God bless you all!
Christian G