Wife is afraid of going to Mass

[NomadSoul]

Earlier this year, I made the decision to come back to the Church after a long time away. It’s been hard, because I was a pretty outspoken anti-theist before, so I’m having to eat a lot of crow and get rid of a lot of bad habits.

What worries me is that my wife is have a really hard time dealing with it. There were a lot of religion-based problems in her family and she’s had some anxiety issues since a serious accident last year and our son being born. I have to admit I did not deal with it all as smoothly as I could have either, but I’ve really been trying to back off ever since and give her time to think about it and feel more comfortable. Things were getting better and she had actually been reading about the faith and had come to Saturday night Mass with me a few times up until there was an issue with another parishioner.

My wife used to participate in some local activism circles, one of which was a counseling and safe escort program for a local women’s clinic that performs abortions among other things. A lady at the church recognized her from the clinic apparently and came up to my wife outside after Mass and was not very tactful about it. I think she was trying to say that she was glad my wife had had a change of heart and was there at Mass, but it just did not come out well and it upset my wife a lot. She was already nervous about being there, and now she says she doesn’t want to go anymore or hear anything else about it. She also doesn’t want me to take our son, which pains me, but I understand where she’s coming from on that. My parents seriously rattled her trust in all of us when they pressured her to have our son baptized, so trying to force the issue would make it worse. She says she doesn’t care if I go, but anytime the subject of religion or going to Mass comes up or she notices me make the sign of the cross or something like that, I can see her get tense. She’s not hostile about it, more sort of protective.

It breaks my heart to see this happening and I’m not sure what to do. We met briefly with our local priest to talk about convalidating our marriage, and she seemed to get along with him, but I doubt very seriously that she would agree to talk to him about this. I asked her if she would want to see a counselor and she said that from her end of things, she isn’t the problem and she’s not doing anything wrong, I’m the one who changed everything. Which is true, I did seriously change the nature of the relationship by reverting. But clearly there is a problem that needs to be worked on.

Should I just try to wait it out? What would you guys do in my situation? I should say that I love my wife dearly. Loving her and our son was part of what brought me back to God. I’m just worried about losing her over all of this and I’m worried about her just in general as well. This seems to have made her pull back into herself a lot more than she ever has.

 

[ClearWater]

Earlier this year, I made the decision to come back to the Church after a long time away. It’s been hard, because I was a pretty outspoken anti-theist before, so I’m having to eat a lot of crow and get rid of a lot of bad habits.

What worries me is that my wife is have a really hard time dealing with it. There were a lot of religion-based problems in her family and she’s had some anxiety issues since a serious accident last year and our son being born. I have to admit I did not deal with it all as smoothly as I could have either, but I’ve really been trying to back off ever since and give her time to think about it and feel more comfortable. Things were getting better and she had actually been reading about the faith and had come to Saturday night Mass with me a few times up until there was an issue with another parishioner.

My wife used to participate in some local activism circles, one of which was a counseling and safe escort program for a local women’s clinic that performs abortions among other things. A lady at the church recognized her from the clinic apparently and came up to my wife outside after Mass and was not very tactful about it. I think she was trying to say that she was glad my wife had had a change of heart and was there at Mass, but it just did not come out well and it upset my wife a lot. She was already nervous about being there, and now she says she doesn’t want to go anymore or hear anything else about it. She also doesn’t want me to take our son, which pains me, but I understand where she’s coming from on that. My parents seriously rattled her trust in all of us when they pressured her to have our son baptized, so trying to force the issue would make it worse. She says she doesn’t care if I go, but anytime the subject of religion or going to Mass comes up or she notices me make the sign of the cross or something like that, I can see her get tense. She’s not hostile about it, more sort of protective.

It breaks my heart to see this happening and I’m not sure what to do. We met briefly with our local priest to talk about convalidating our marriage, and she seemed to get along with him, but I doubt very seriously that she would agree to talk to him about this. I asked her if she would want to see a counselor and she said that from her end of things, she isn’t the problem and she’s not doing anything wrong, I’m the one who changed everything. Which is true, I did seriously change the nature of the relationship by reverting. But clearly there is a problem that needs to be worked on.

Should I just try to wait it out? What would you guys do in my situation? I should say that I love my wife dearly. Loving her and our son was part of what brought me back to God. I’m just worried about losing her over all of this and I’m worried about her just in general as well. This seems to have made her pull back into herself a lot more than she ever has.

That’s a shame.

I am not sure what I’d do, but I think I’d probably go to counseling by myself in the meantime. Then, I would hope one day she might change her mind and want to do marital counseling.

I had something similar with my ex-husband. I was raised Catholic, became very liberal and then found my faith again. He, and others, blamed me for the divorce, saying it was my fault for having changed on him. They said in so many words I was to always remain the same.

However, I said I did not regret finding my faith, again.

I wanted him to come to counseling with me. He went with me once, but basically his “take” on it was that I was the problem, that he was not, that everything was fine. Ultimately, we divorced, and I ended up getting an annulment. There were other issues as well, though. It wasn’t only religion, but yes, it was another part of it to be sure.

Some don’t seem to realize that if one in the couple is having problems, it is both of them.

I guess if I were in your place, I would try not to pressure her in any way for now. I would just back off completely, allow her to heal. If you pressure her, I believe it will only make matters worse. I’d just leave her alone. If/when she wants to try again, she always knows she can, but let it be her idea when she’s ready.

 

[underacloud]

As you say in your post, you are the one who has changed.

Yes, you should “wait it out”. You should be patient with her. You should show her your faith in the way you treat her. And of course pray for her.

 

[Dorothy]

Earlier this year, I made the decision to come back to the Church after a long time away. It’s been hard, because I was a pretty outspoken anti-theist before, so I’m having to eat a lot of crow and get rid of a lot of bad habits.

What worries me is that my wife is have a really hard time dealing with it. There were a lot of religion-based problems in her family and she’s had some anxiety issues since a serious accident last year and our son being born. I have to admit I did not deal with it all as smoothly as I could have either, but I’ve really been trying to back off ever since and give her time to think about it and feel more comfortable. Things were getting better and she had actually been reading about the faith and had come to Saturday night Mass with me a few times up until there was an issue with another parishioner.

My wife used to participate in some local activism circles, one of which was a counseling and safe escort program for a local women’s clinic that performs abortions among other things. A lady at the church recognized her from the clinic apparently and came up to my wife outside after Mass and was not very tactful about it. I think she was trying to say that she was glad my wife had had a change of heart and was there at Mass, but it just did not come out well and it upset my wife a lot. She was already nervous about being there, and now she says she doesn’t want to go anymore or hear anything else about it. She also doesn’t want me to take our son, which pains me, but I understand where she’s coming from on that. My parents seriously rattled her trust in all of us when they pressured her to have our son baptized, so trying to force the issue would make it worse. She says she doesn’t care if I go, but anytime the subject of religion or going to Mass comes up or she notices me make the sign of the cross or something like that, I can see her get tense. She’s not hostile about it, more sort of protective.

It breaks my heart to see this happening and I’m not sure what to do. We met briefly with our local priest to talk about convalidating our marriage, and she seemed to get along with him, but I doubt very seriously that she would agree to talk to him about this. I asked her if she would want to see a counselor and she said that from her end of things, she isn’t the problem and she’s not doing anything wrong, I’m the one who changed everything. Which is true, I did seriously change the nature of the relationship by reverting. But clearly there is a problem that needs to be worked on.

Should I just try to wait it out? What would you guys do in my situation? I should say that I love my wife dearly. Loving her and our son was part of what brought me back to God. I’m just worried about losing her over all of this and I’m worried about her just in general as well. This seems to have made her pull back into herself a lot more than she ever has.

You mentioned about convalidating your marriage. In order for you to receive the sacraments your marriage needs to be convalidated. If your wife does not want to do this, you can have a radical sanation.

Ask your priest about this. Our Lord said we must put Him first, then our spouse, then our children.

Our Lady, Untier of knots, …Pray for us! Pray for all of this to work out according to the Lord’s way.

 

[robwar]

Earlier this year, I made the decision to come back to the Church after a long time away. It’s been hard, because I was a pretty outspoken anti-theist before, so I’m having to eat a lot of crow and get rid of a lot of bad habits.

What worries me is that my wife is have a really hard time dealing with it. There were a lot of religion-based problems in her family and she’s had some anxiety issues since a serious accident last year and our son being born. I have to admit I did not deal with it all as smoothly as I could have either, but I’ve really been trying to back off ever since and give her time to think about it and feel more comfortable. Things were getting better and she had actually been reading about the faith and had come to Saturday night Mass with me a few times up until there was an issue with another parishioner.

My wife used to participate in some local activism circles, one of which was a counseling and safe escort program for a local women’s clinic that performs abortions among other things. A lady at the church recognized her from the clinic apparently and came up to my wife outside after Mass and was not very tactful about it. I think she was trying to say that she was glad my wife had had a change of heart and was there at Mass, but it just did not come out well and it upset my wife a lot. She was already nervous about being there, and now she says she doesn’t want to go anymore or hear anything else about it. She also doesn’t want me to take our son, which pains me, but I understand where she’s coming from on that. My parents seriously rattled her trust in all of us when they pressured her to have our son baptized, so trying to force the issue would make it worse. She says she doesn’t care if I go, but anytime the subject of religion or going to Mass comes up or she notices me make the sign of the cross or something like that, I can see her get tense. She’s not hostile about it, more sort of protective.

It breaks my heart to see this happening and I’m not sure what to do. We met briefly with our local priest to talk about convalidating our marriage, and she seemed to get along with him, but I doubt very seriously that she would agree to talk to him about this. I asked her if she would want to see a counselor and she said that from her end of things, she isn’t the problem and she’s not doing anything wrong, I’m the one who changed everything. Which is true, I did seriously change the nature of the relationship by reverting. But clearly there is a problem that needs to be worked on.

Should I just try to wait it out? What would you guys do in my situation? I should say that I love my wife dearly. Loving her and our son was part of what brought me back to God. I’m just worried about losing her over all of this and I’m worried about her just in general as well. This seems to have made her pull back into herself a lot more than she ever has.

Can you attend Mass without her? If she doesn’t want to go now, is it ok for her if you go?

 

[St_Francis]

You have two problems: one is your wife’s not wanting to go to Mass, and the other is her not wanting you to take your son to Mass.

The first: it seems that you have done everything you can to encourage her; now may be the time to simply pray for her and go on your own.

The second: this has more options as it seems your son is only a year old or younger. You don’t want her to think that you will never take him to Mass, but you don’t need to take him now. In my anonymous internet stranger opinion, there are a number of courses you could take, bit whatever you do, include that you and she will revisit the issue as your son gets older, and try to include taking him from time to time now, like once a month (and maybe she would actually like it if you took him to Mass and then to another activity, so she would have a good long period of time “off” at home, to relax or to do something she has trouble getting to when the baby is there).

Keep praying for her.

 

[paulrxp]

Tough situation for sure, and I hope with deep reflection and prayer you find some resolution in this. I can only go with my own experience having been away from the Church and faith. Many of my friends(myself included) put our full faith and trust in the world, whether it was advice from friends and people we trust, or professionals who are trained to council. I tried to solve problems without God as the primary inspiration.

I learned that the world will never really give you all the answers, certainly not the peace that faith and love of God will give you. It is the nature of us under God to always want more, to have something better to look forward to. During these tough moments and trials in life, the gift of faith will help you put things in perspective. Seek the compassion of God, be around those who love God and they will share a genuine concern that you get through these tough times.

Your family being united in the love for God is extremely important. Even if it’s just you that returns to the faith initially, point them in the direction so that you all walk towards the light of God, however long it takes. Later when you look back, whatever happens, you can with good conscience know you did what the Lord expected of you. I can guarantee you everyone who read your story, has their own problem they have to deal with in life, you have a lot more in your presence as long as you see with your heart and not with your eyes. Your eyes will deceive you, your heart will not, if through faith you entrust it to Gods will that you become deserving of his good graces.

There’s nothing wrong with being humbled. Jesus was all about humility. Never let others deceive you again that you could live life without faith and love of God. You will hear dark stories from those non-believers. It will be them that will ask you why their lives are filled with despair. The reasons why they’re in despair already have been revealed to you when the Holy Spirit called you back to faith. It is answers non believers will never find because they live the way of the world. Not with their eyes, not with their pride, not with their rationalism, not without the love of God showing them the way. Good luck, hope we get an update from you filled with good news.

 

[Jon_S_1]

Earlier this year, I made the decision to come back to the Church after a long time away. It’s been hard, because I was a pretty outspoken anti-theist before, so I’m having to eat a lot of crow and get rid of a lot of bad habits.

What worries me is that my wife is have a really hard time dealing with it. There were a lot of religion-based problems in her family and she’s had some anxiety issues since a serious accident last year and our son being born. I have to admit I did not deal with it all as smoothly as I could have either, but I’ve really been trying to back off ever since and give her time to think about it and feel more comfortable. Things were getting better and she had actually been reading about the faith and had come to Saturday night Mass with me a few times up until there was an issue with another parishioner.

My wife used to participate in some local activism circles, one of which was a counseling and safe escort program for a local women’s clinic that performs abortions among other things. A lady at the church recognized her from the clinic apparently and came up to my wife outside after Mass and was not very tactful about it. I think she was trying to say that she was glad my wife had had a change of heart and was there at Mass, but it just did not come out well and it upset my wife a lot. She was already nervous about being there, and now she says she doesn’t want to go anymore or hear anything else about it. She also doesn’t want me to take our son, which pains me, but I understand where she’s coming from on that. My parents seriously rattled her trust in all of us when they pressured her to have our son baptized, so trying to force the issue would make it worse. She says she doesn’t care if I go, but anytime the subject of religion or going to Mass comes up or she notices me make the sign of the cross or something like that, I can see her get tense. She’s not hostile about it, more sort of protective.

It breaks my heart to see this happening and I’m not sure what to do. We met briefly with our local priest to talk about convalidating our marriage, and she seemed to get along with him, but I doubt very seriously that she would agree to talk to him about this. I asked her if she would want to see a counselor and she said that from her end of things, she isn’t the problem and she’s not doing anything wrong, I’m the one who changed everything. Which is true, I did seriously change the nature of the relationship by reverting. But clearly there is a problem that needs to be worked on.

Should I just try to wait it out? What would you guys do in my situation? I should say that I love my wife dearly. Loving her and our son was part of what brought me back to God. I’m just worried about losing her over all of this and I’m worried about her just in general as well. This seems to have made her pull back into herself a lot more than she ever has.

I sort of went through a similar experience but reversed roles and different in some ways.

My only thoughts are ;

Pray a lot for your wife. Specifically that she will see a change in you that lights a fire in her.
Meet with your priest…
Always invite your wife to go with you…never push it, but invite her.

Most importantly, recognize this is a big change for your family and be patient. This doesn’t need to be all hemmed up and perfect today or even this year. Hand it over to God and love and honor your wife while practicing your faith yourself.

Keep an open dialogue, but don’t talk about it all the time. Answer her questions, invite her to things and check in with how she is doing with it all from time to time (like monthly at most).

She likely feels things are moving too fast and needs to slow it down.

 

[ClearWater]

I would really think very carefully, and move slowly, about convalidating the marriage or radical sanation.

 

[NomadSoul]

You mentioned about convalidating your marriage. In order for you to receive the sacraments your marriage needs to be convalidated. If your wife does not want to do this, you can have a radical sanation.

She was ok with having a convalidation until all this happened, but I doubt she’d want to go back to the church for the ceremony now so I’m talking with my priest about a radical sanation. Luckily, we have a really great priest who did a good at explaining why it was important, so she’s still ok with the idea of it “so we can get back to normal”, she just doesn’t want to participate.

Can you attend Mass without her? If she doesn’t want to go now, is it ok for her if you go?

She says she doesn’t care if I go and she doesn’t argue about it or try to convince me not to go, but it becomes sort of the elephant in the room when I’m getting ready to head out to Mass and she knows where I’m going. She’s never hostile about it, I think it just makes her really uncomfortable. I’ve started bringing lunch back with me so she doesn’t have to worry about it to try to make it a more positive thing for her.

The second: this has more options as it seems your son is only a year old or younger. You don’t want her to think that you will never take him to Mass, but you don’t need to take him now. In my anonymous internet stranger opinion, there are a number of courses you could take, bit whatever you do, include that you and she will revisit the issue as your son gets older, and try to include taking him from time to time now, like once a month (and maybe she would actually like it if you took him to Mass and then to another activity, so she would have a good long period of time “off” at home, to relax or to do something she has trouble getting to when the baby is there).

That’s a good idea. I think right now she’s sort of afraid that either we’re going to run off and baptize the kid without her consent or it’s sort of a foot in the door ploy. I know she’d like more alone time, though, so if I can get her back to the point where she’s prepared to trust me about it again, once a month so she can have some time to relax would be the thing.

I appreciate the responses. I’ve really been trying to hold back and give her as much space as she needs, but it’s something I’m just not very good at and I’m having to learn. I have an enormous argumentative streak and, after having to completely change sides on a lot of things I used to harangue other people about, I’ve come to realize I can be a real jerk, which I’m working on.