Wife is not 'herself' around others

[rcuk]

Dear all;

Sorry if this gets long. I will try to keep it brief.

My wife had a ‘rocky’ childhood to a point. She was treated as the ‘black sheep’ of the family, although her heart is the most kind and pure of all of them in my eyes. She was born in a difficult circumstance, and so I think affection went more to her younger sister who was born in better financial times.

Much of the attention always went on her sister. i think my wife missed out on encouragement and recognition from her parents during school, and also spent time looking after her younger sister as both parents worked long hours to make ends meet.

Please God, I have managed to make her more confident over the last ten years we have been together. We have been married for three.

The relationship with her parents has been much better since she left home.

However, it seems every time she comes into contact with them- by phone, or in person, she ‘changes’.
She’s actually very intelligent. This is going to sound REALLY awful- and I apologise. Her parents speak in quite a thick regional accent and use regional phrases, etc. She doesn’t really have this- she is more neutral.
But when they’re together, she changes her accent notably, and she ‘dumbs down’ - uses words that make no sense - she seems to* try* to come across as unintelligent; ‘silly’.

This confuses and frustrates me. But it is worse because some years ago- not long after we met - her father made fun of her accent and phrases. It seemed like- whenever she tried to better herself, or take up an interest (reading books and biographies), etc, she was laughed and, and tried to hide it. From what I hear, this happened when she was a child.
She has become very underconfident and unsure of herself in many areas, and I have to say, I do blame her parents for this.

One of the more frustrating things- but it highlights her kind nature- is she ‘chases’ her parents.

They are not ogres by any means! They are much, much nicer people than they were.
My wife chases the emotions of her Mother in an almost child-like way though. And the mother responds in a child like way to her daughter. Almost like making up for childhood.

We could have children ourselves at any time, and it really bothers me that my wife is chasing her parents in this way. My relationship with them is fine, although she will sometimes disregard my advice on something in favour of her father. I don’t want her to be in the middle of anything, so I usually back down.

She does suffer from anxiety at times. I can tell this is frustrating her, but we haven;t talked about it.
Oftentimes it seems she will spend at least an hour an evening on the phone to her Mother- and often the mother is offloading ‘stressful’ parts of the day, or family issues onto my wife. They text each other a lot, too.

They are obviously very close and I do not want to come between them in any way.

My summary is this - she is ‘dumbing down’ to appear childlike (?) or unintelligent with her parents. She often is treated as a doormat. But then she is picked up again and treated with childlike love by her Mother when her Mother feels that way inclined.

She feels bound to call her everyday, and this has caused arguments sometimes- especially when we’re about to eat, or I want to speak with her about her day.

I am trying to bring her to RCIA just now and one of my biggest fears is their general disdain for religion. In the light that she seems to ‘change’ to suit her parents, this worries me.

We live 100 miles from them, so we don’t see them often. But if we go up to see them I find myself so annoyed at this change. I think- why can’t she be herself? She is a fantastic person. It saddens me deeply.

I have only touched on it with her- and like I say, she feels torn and in the middle of something, so it is very difficult to broach the subject.

Any help or advice welcome! If you feel I am being obnoxious and awful- please say so! I feel it for writing this.

 

[Kal2012]

I suspect it’s really about wanting to fit into her family and not be the ‘black sheep’.

Family tends to have a powerful hold over us, even when we have families of our own.

It’s hard for people to break out of the roles that they play in the unit. Not playing the doormat would shake things up too much and she doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of that. In the end, it sounds very codependent.

I’d encourage you to pick up one of John Bradford’s books about family systems.

I know that I act differently around different groups of people because that is what’s required to keep the peace. I don’t like to shake things up too much because things get messy and I’ve never liked confrontations. I’d rather be miserable and comfortable. (Sad, but true).

That said, I am a lot better at standing up for myself than I was 10 years ago. For me, it’s a skill I’ve had to learn and I’m still learning to assert myself and feel comfortable with negotiating my way through issues. Learning new skills is a process and hasn’t come over night.

The problem is that with family it’s often more difficult to ask people to change their behavior than if it was a friend.

Hope that some of what I said makes sense. Obviously, you care about your wife, but she’s really the one who needs to decide that this behavior towards her needs to be changed.

 

[rcuk]

I suspect it’s really about wanting to fit into her family and not be the ‘black sheep’.

Family tends to have a powerful hold over us, even when we have families of our own.

It’s hard for people to break out of the roles that they play in the unit. Not playing the doormat would shake things up too much and she doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of that. In the end, it sounds very codependent.

I’d encourage you to pick up one of John Bradford’s books about family systems.

I know that I act differently around different groups of people because that is what’s required to keep the peace. It’s really not that abnormal.

Thanks for your kind reply. Very good points.

I agree with acting differently depending on the social group. I think it depends if its detrimental to your own being if you play this out too much though.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

What you are describing is “family of origin” issues.
I hope your wife is willing to work on some of her “family stuff” with a good therapist. It would help her and in a roundabout way be beneficial for your marital relationship.

 

[acacia12]

Dear all;

Sorry if this gets long. I will try to keep it brief.

My wife had a ‘rocky’ childhood to a point. She was treated as the ‘black sheep’ of the family, although her heart is the most kind and pure of all of them in my eyes. She was born in a difficult circumstance, and so I think affection went more to her younger sister who was born in better financial times.

Much of the attention always went on her sister. i think my wife missed out on encouragement and recognition from her parents during school, and also spent time looking after her younger sister as both parents worked long hours to make ends meet.

Please God, I have managed to make her more confident over the last ten years we have been together. We have been married for three.

The relationship with her parents has been much better since she left home.

However, it seems every time she comes into contact with them- by phone, or in person, she ‘changes’.
She’s actually very intelligent. This is going to sound REALLY awful- and I apologise. Her parents speak in quite a thick regional accent and use regional phrases, etc. She doesn’t really have this- she is more neutral.
But when they’re together, she changes her accent notably, and she ‘dumbs down’ - uses words that make no sense - she seems to* try* to come across as unintelligent; ‘silly’.

This confuses and frustrates me. But it is worse because some years ago- not long after we met - her father made fun of her accent and phrases. It seemed like- whenever she tried to better herself, or take up an interest (reading books and biographies), etc, she was laughed and, and tried to hide it. From what I hear, this happened when she was a child.
She has become very underconfident and unsure of herself in many areas, and I have to say, I do blame her parents for this.

One of the more frustrating things- but it highlights her kind nature- is she ‘chases’ her parents.

They are not ogres by any means! They are much, much nicer people than they were.
My wife chases the emotions of her Mother in an almost child-like way though. And the mother responds in a child like way to her daughter. Almost like making up for childhood.

We could have children ourselves at any time, and it really bothers me that my wife is chasing her parents in this way. My relationship with them is fine, although she will sometimes disregard my advice on something in favour of her father. I don’t want her to be in the middle of anything, so I usually back down.

She does suffer from anxiety at times. I can tell this is frustrating her, but we haven;t talked about it.
Oftentimes it seems she will spend at least an hour an evening on the phone to her Mother- and often the mother is offloading ‘stressful’ parts of the day, or family issues onto my wife. They text each other a lot, too.

They are obviously very close and I do not want to come between them in any way.

My summary is this - she is ‘dumbing down’ to appear childlike (?) or unintelligent with her parents. She often is treated as a doormat. But then she is picked up again and treated with childlike love by her Mother when her Mother feels that way inclined.

She feels bound to call her everyday, and this has caused arguments sometimes- especially when we’re about to eat, or I want to speak with her about her day.

I am trying to bring her to RCIA just now and one of my biggest fears is their general disdain for religion. In the light that she seems to ‘change’ to suit her parents, this worries me.

We live 100 miles from them, so we don’t see them often. But if we go up to see them I find myself so annoyed at this change. I think- why can’t she be herself? She is a fantastic person. It saddens me deeply.

I have only touched on it with her- and like I say, she feels torn and in the middle of something, so it is very difficult to broach the subject.

Any help or advice welcome! If you feel I am being obnoxious and awful- please say so! I feel it for writing this.

When I am with family or anyone that is from the North of England, my accent automatically changes. I was born in the North and moved down South while still at high school. I had to change my accent so that Southerners could understand what I was saying. So I always spoke in a southern accent. My children were all born here(south). So they were use to me speaking in a southern accent and when I did speak with family from up north, it was usually while they were at school, playing out or just not around at the time of my phone calls. One day my sister rang (from up north) and I chatted to her in my northern accent as usual (my children were in the front room with me). After I got off the phone to my sister, they asked me why I put on a northern accent. I explained to them that I wasn’t putting it on, it’s how I actually speak. It feels more comfortable and that I had to change my accent at an early age so people to understand me. But they(my children) had only known me with a southern accent.
This may be a reason why your wifes accent changes when she is speaking with her family.

 

[IrishRush]

I think the family dynamic, for most, will play for the lifetime of the family members. I mean, how you fit into the family as you were growing up is how you will tend to act, as well as be regarded, by your parents and siblings even as an adult.
I come from a family of 10 and I am the 7th of 8 children. My siblings still treat me as such, will rarely (except on some medical issues) take my views or opinions seriously if they don’t match up with theirs. It has been a great source of frustration for me over the years, especially because I find myself slipping into the role unconsciously when we all get together. As I said - it’s a family dynamic.
Your wife’s confidence and ability to speak up for herself is something that will probably grow over time. Having you in her life to bolster her will definitely help that to blossom, probably sooner rather than later. But I would bet she will likely never stand up to her parents - they are her original authority figures, after all.
Stick with her though, be her moral support as a husband should be. And try hard to be patient and understanding of the psychological forces at work in this. They really are powerful and hard to break from.
God bless you and your wife.

 

[rcuk]

Thanks for the replies so far. Really interesting to note that others have encountered a similar thing- especially the Northern England post! It’s not so much the accent that bothered me (!) but more the reason behind putting it on. As I mentioned, my wife is fairly neutral. We too live in the South now.

I see how this stuff is quite deeply entrenched and I should probably be careful on how I tackle it, if at all. Seems that being a rock is the thing to do- be a ‘constant’.

I don’t like it when she changes, as it feels like a different person, you know?

 

[Tablefor9]

I think our accents and colloquialisms do thicken when we around our families of origin. No matter how much education I have, there is a certain speech that is mine because I am a Central Florida native, whose parents are from the Deep South. Also, I’ve noticed that when I’m tired or frustrated, but still secure in my environment, those patterns readily emerge. In my scholarly writing, this can be an editing challenge. In my marriage, it’s a source of gentle humor for my husband, whose colloquialisms differ greatly from my own though born only 400 miles away in the same state.

As for the subjugation of her more mature self, it would seem to me that your wife is trying (subconsciously, of course) to obtain the approval and affection from her parents that was lacking before. Women need approval, like the air we breathe. In not having it from her parents, there is hurt that is causing this chasing behavior–she is looking for the successful completion of her childhood role while struggling to move into a marital role. The problem with this is that the two conflict.

Since this is distressing you, perhaps you should talk to her about it. Gently, encouragingly, remembering that women need the SPOKEN affirmation of their mate most times above all family consideration. Counseling might not be a bad idea, either, with a priest or family counselor as what is needed to break the dysfunction is for a woman to be secure in the love of God and her position as a daughter of the King of Kings, and then all else slips into place as she becomes comfortable in her own skin.

Best of luck–Blessings on your family,
V

 

[ynotzap]

Encourage her to attend RCIA. Pray for her healing and for your compassionate understanding of her difficulties. Being exposed to Christianity and turning to Christ is being exposed to the healing power of Gods’ grace which can reach into the deepest recesses of our souls. She appears to need a psychological and spiritual healing, there is much to hope for. In the process you will advance spiritually too. May God be with you!