Wife is protestant

[rpwolfgang]

Hello everyone. I’m Catholic and my wife is Protestant. We got married 6 years ago in a protestant church. Prior to the wedding we met with my priest and went through the required classes so that the marriage would be recognized by the Catholic church. Since we got married we’ve only gone to church a handful of times. We have since relocated and haven’t gone to any church for about 3 years. We are now going through some rough times and are trying to get back into church. The problem is that she doesn’t want to only go to a Catholic church. She says it doesn’t “feed” her enough. I can understand and respect this. My suggestion was that WE go to a Catholic church weekly and then she could go somewhere else in addition to get what she needs out of it. She doesn’t like this idea. She says she’ll feel like a loser by going to church by herself. I’m not sure what to do here. In addition to all of this we’re trying to have kids and I’m very concerned about what’s going to happen if she does get pregnant. I know I promised to the church prior to getting married that we would raise our children Catholic. We did come to an agreement last night that we would “try” going to various churches and try to find one that we both like. I’m not sure how that’s going to work though. I mean, for me it has to be a Catholic church right? She did mention that there is this branch of the Catholic church which is more open and less stringent. I can’t remember what she called it though. She said they do more singing and praising and waving your arms and all that stuff that they do in a Protestant church. Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

[SouthCatholic]

Are you or your wife African-American? She could be talking about the Imani Temple. It was started by a renegade priest. They call themselves Catholic; but they are in schism with the Catholic Church and are not recognized as Catholic.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Maybe she is referring to the Charismatic Catholic Church which is perfectly fine and part of the Catholic Church. As a matter of fact many regular parishes offer Charismatic services. At this point it does not matter where your wife wants to go on Sunday - YOU are required to go to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligations. If it is a we thing that is nice but all she promised was not to interfere. These were decisions that you made prior to your marriage and it looks now like you have been using your wife’s faith difference as a reason not to build your own Catholic identity.

 

[1ke]

I mean, for me it has to be a Catholic church right?

Yes. You have an obligation to attend the Catholic Church.

That does not mean that you could not *also *attend a protestant worship service with your wife in addition to going to Mass.

However, you will need to work through this before children come. Taking children to “both” will confuse them. You have an obligation to raise your children Catholic.

She did mention that there is this branch of the Catholic church which is more open and less stringent. I can’t remember what she called it though.

There is no such thing. Put that out of your head.

It sounds like you are not very well versed in the Catholic faith. I suggest you go to Confession (for missing Mass and whatever else you may need to confess), resume the practice of your faith at weekly Mass, and seek out classes at your local Catholic Church to help you build your faith life. You will need it as the primary educator of your children in the Catholic faith.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Yes. You have an obligation to attend the Catholic Church.

That does not mean that you could not *also *attend a protestant worship service with your wife in addition to going to Mass.

However, you will need to work through this before children come. Taking children to “both” will confuse them. You have an obligation to raise your children Catholic.

There is no such thing. Put that out of your head.

It sounds like you are not very well versed in the Catholic faith. I suggest you go to Confession (for missing Mass and whatever else you may need to confess), resume the practice of your faith at weekly Mass, and seek out classes at your local Catholic Church to help you build your faith life. You will need it as the primary educator of your children in the Catholic faith.

And thank you 1ke I should have explained that Charismatic masses are a bit freer in form but the rules of Catholicism are still the same.

 

[1ke]

Also, I don’t know where you live but you might check to see if there are any charismatic Catholic prayer groups or centers near you.

For example, this one in Houston:

cccgh.com/

 

[jrogoffmetro]

My husband and I had a very similar situation. We were both Catholic then I left the church and became Baptist. At first he was going to church with me but he knew he was wrong so he decided to go back to the Catholic Church. After much prayer I decided to go with him to Mass on Sundays. As scripture says he is the spiritual leader of the family and if I am going to honor God and my husband I must respect his wishes. If your wifes church and pastor are truely speaking from scripture this is what they should be telling her. (mine did) Church is about honoring and worshiping the Lord not getting something for yourself, I have learned I can do that in Catholic Church as well as Baptist. I still go to my ladies group at the Baptist church and my husband fully supports me.

 

[mamaslo]

Hello everyone. I’m Catholic and my wife is Protestant. We got married 6 years ago in a protestant church. Prior to the wedding we met with my priest and went through the required classes so that the marriage would be recognized by the Catholic church. Since we got married we’ve only gone to church a handful of times. We have since relocated and haven’t gone to any church for about 3 years. We are now going through some rough times and are trying to get back into church. The problem is that she doesn’t want to only go to a Catholic church. She says it doesn’t “feed” her enough. I can understand and respect this. My suggestion was that WE go to a Catholic church weekly and then she could go somewhere else in addition to get what she needs out of it. She doesn’t like this idea. She says she’ll feel like a loser by going to church by herself. I’m not sure what to do here. In addition to all of this we’re trying to have kids and I’m very concerned about what’s going to happen if she does get pregnant. I know I promised to the church prior to getting married that we would raise our children Catholic. We did come to an agreement last night that we would “try” going to various churches and try to find one that we both like. I’m not sure how that’s going to work though. I mean, for me it has to be a Catholic church right? She did mention that there is this branch of the Catholic church which is more open and less stringent. I can’t remember what she called it though. She said they do more singing and praising and waving your arms and all that stuff that they do in a Protestant church. Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Go to your local Catholic parish on Saturday, and go to hers on Sunday…that is a lot of work but I have heard the complaint about getting fed, she doesn’t understand the Catholic faith because her philosophy is very different than the Catholic philosophy.

I recomment RCIA to you both, make the sacrifice for her spiritual life and make the sacrifice for your own too. If she doesn’t go with you on Saturday, then go alone. You are responsible for your soul in the end. She is supposed to help you get to Heaven and vice versa (sp?). So while it isn’t ideal, until she sees the Catholic Church as a valid option for her faith, then you are a little stuck. You do want her to go to church and have a spiritual life, and she doesn’t understand the Catholic church, neither of you are involved in church ministry, so now is a good time to fullfill both. You will hear anticatholic things when you go, not that they are mean-spirited, but there is still a protest that is alive and well just in the separation. Apparently, the direction the Catholic Church is taking is that the division isn’t yours but the Church’s involved and so you can bring unity one family at a time by being patient and loving regardless.

 

[mamaslo]

However, you will need to work through this before children come. Taking children to “both” will confuse them. You have an obligation to raise your children Catholic.

This is what I think however on the foryourmarriage.org site on the USCCB (the us bishops website) they link to “Interchurch Families” website that is confusing to me on this.

Your’s is practical, but I certainly don’t want my kids to think Eucharist is something that you only have to be a believer to take, and that the sacraments are man made…etc. That they worship statues if they are Catholic.

That and many more differences exist.

At the same time, start with going to both. Be gentle and patient, learn more about your own faith, there is ALWAYS more to learn about it.

interfaith families are difficult, but the unity is that the basics are agreeable, Jesus is the son of God, he died on a cross for our sins and rose again on the third day, for the final sacrifice. We both believe you need a relationship with God to become a better person (catholics believe it helps you become who you are meant to be but you can agree on becoming a better person I think).

It is a walk that has very little guidance. I was totally afraid to let my children grow up in error, but maybe I was in error in other ways by how I treated their dad on my journey. I don’t know if that question will ever be answered for me, but you have to do something to walk on a journey, so what is going to be your next step?

 

[Luvtosew]

Did your wife agree to raise the children Catholic before your marriage, as you said you
promised to raise the children Catholic.?

 

[TraditonRules]

Do you as a couple agree to the essential Chirstian doctrine? We can disagree on secondary issues, nevertheless you should attend mass on Sunday.

 

[shainski]

i don’t know…Yes, the doctrine would be the same, but…

i find a great deal of difference in catholic congregations. Even in my local village, there are two churches. One seems very stand-offish, the other very welcoming. The church my wife and i got married in was closer to the center of the big city. The congregation had a lot of single people in their 20s, 30s and 40s. There were a lot of ministries that catered to that group - plus ministries that catered to inner-city problems.

The music in that parish was superb. we really miss it on a weekly basis - although with young children, the parish down the block is a lot easier.

I highly recommend that you try various Catholic churches throughout your area. It’s not just the priest(s), but the entire congregation that makes a difference. When you find one that welcomes you, you will know it. And what you want or need at different points at your life may change.

And if it will satisfy your wife, then, by all means, go with her to non-catholic services on some weeks - why not?

 

[Jim_Dandy]

Maybe she is referring to the Charismatic Catholic Church which is perfectly fine and part of the Catholic Church. As a matter of fact many regular parishes offer Charismatic services. At this point it does not matter where your wife wants to go on Sunday - YOU are required to go to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligations. If it is a we thing that is nice but all she promised was not to interfere. These were decisions that you made prior to your marriage and it looks now like you have been using your wife’s faith difference as a reason not to build your own Catholic identity.

Um, to my knowledge, there is no Charismatic Catholic Church in union with Rome. There are, however, Catholic Churches which offer a Charismatic Mass in addition to the regular Mass.

 

[rpwolfgang]

Thank you everyone for responding so quickly.

SouthCatholic - no we are caucasian. I do believe the church she was talking about is charismatic

joanofarc2008 - you are right about everything you said. I tried to find something online that had a list of all the charismatic churches but I haven’t been very successful yet

1ke - you’re right. I’m not very versed in the Catholic faith. I was raised Catholic and was forced to go to church and CCD and all of that. When I became an adult I pretty much stopped going. But I think with age comes wisdom, and I’m realizing more and more each day how much i miss and should be going to church.

jrogoffmetro - i hear what you’re saying about the husband should be the spiritual leader and my wife actually feels the same way. She wants me to be the leader also. But speaking as the leader and telling her we’re going to a Catholic church is when she gets upset. She says i’m supposed to take her feelings under consideration also. Which is obviously understandable.

mamaslo - very well said and point taken. I just think it will confuse the kids later if we end up going to two churces.

Luvtosew - i know we talked about it with the priest and I can clearly recall that I said i would, but i’m not certain what she said or what her response was

I’m still not certain what I should do or what the right answer is. I suppose there isn’t a perfect answer or resolution. I’ll keep praying and thinking. Please keep the ideas coming.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Not to make you an example of what happens when Catholics marry outside the Church but…

I am sorry you are going through this. I must exhort you to work with your wife on this and get it settled (as much as it can be) before you have children. It often happens that faith is the hill both parties chose to die on, after children arrive, and then everyone suffers but especially the children. It may be a very difficult issue to settle, and it may require professional counseling - you will see as time goes by, how your wife is going to respond to your obligation to attend Mass every Sunday.

Just wondering…Did your wife agree not to use artificial birth control? Or did you guys ignore that part of the Catholic Church when you were planning your wedding? Did the priest discuss that with you? The implications are pretty huge.

I sure wish I had an answer for you. Your wife married you believing you would not be that interested in church, and now you are. And now you both have this difference. It will take time, and compromise, but do not compromise on Mass, nor raising the children as Catholics. That you must do.

 

[PLGREEN]

You do have a dedication to the Catholic Church however, You also have a dedication to your spouse. You need to be praying devontionally about Her conversion, and setting the Catholic example. Keep your prayers strong, so you can attend Her Church with Her too. Then She won’t feel like you are shoving it in Her face. Be patient, Pray, and attend Church regularly! I also suggest, ( if She will read it ) the book, " Surprised by Truth 1 and 2 " by Patrick Madrid. It is a great book of stories written by people that have converted to the Catholic Church, AND WHY!

I don’t know about Charismatic Catholic Churches but, I do know they are all different in their personalities. I have met, ( usually at conferences ) Preists of all different walks of life, and some are VERY Dinamic. Once we had a Black Preist from back east. He was amazing. Just like being in a Babtist Church, with all the Catholic Laws fullfilled!

When it comes down to it though, the question is… " Would you rather have a great, fun celebration on Sunday and at the gates be told…You have a lot more time in Purgatory before you are prepared to enter Heaven. I prefer to learn and do as much as I can here on earth, and hope I may not be turned away!" There are still plenty of retreats and celebrations within the Catholic Church for dinamic worship!!!

 

[reagent6]

Dear Rpwolfgang:

My prayers are with you in this difficult time. First, respect and preserve your marriage and your bond to your wife. No one, aside from the enemy, would like to see you and your wife argue or become estranged over this issue.

Both your wife and you have strong faith and Christian values. That is an excellent starting point. You have the grace that comes from a valid and consecrated marriage. You love each other, as is clear in the pain that this issue causes you that we can see in your post.

I am in a situation similar to yours, with the exception that we have been married 26 years. I won’t say it has always been easy or that having an interfaith marriage is ideal for everyone. It is work but most things that are worth while take work.

Keep in mind that, depending upon your wife’s church tradition, she may have deep and even unacknowledged prejudices against the Church. You may have prejudices about her church. These things are not logical and can not be overcome by logical arguments, only by love if at all.

I attended many of my wife’s church services and got to know the members of her church and her ministers well. There is no doubt in my mind that there are holy people there. I have been the grateful subject of their prayers. I also attended Mass, and sometimes she attends with me. Sometimes I had to subvert my ego for the sake of our family, and sometimes she had to do the same.

Now, I can say that my faith in, and knowledge and love of, the Church has grown by seeing how another church worships. I was born Catholic at least partly by chance. But now I know more strongly then ever that the Church has the fullness of Jesus’ teaching. My wife may never agree with me, though I pray daily that she will.

We do need to be well versed in Catholicism in our situation. This website, the radio program Catholic Answers Live, your parish, Catholic bookstores, and other Catholics can help. In attending another church you will here teachings, sermons, and comments that will make you question. This is good, but go the right source for the answers.

You are not alone. Write back if you need help, or just to update us. We love you as Christ loves you. Stay Catholic.

 

[mdkirkbride]

My wife and step-son were Methodist. I attended Methodist services on Sunday morning with them weekly for about 10 years, and went to Mass either Sat or Sun evening.

I even ‘lead’ a Methodist bible study for a couple of years, somewhat reluctantly and even when I kept telling them ‘You know I’m Catholic, right?’. I tried to always keep the topic in the ‘common’, but wasn’t afraid to say ‘Catholics believe…’. At the end the class presented me with a hand made rosary out of knotted leather. It was really nice.

In any case, my wife has converted and came into the Church last Easter. It took about a decade. She says the turning point was a Marriage Encounter weekend.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think that your suggestion of she goes to mass with you and then goes to her church alone was a horrible and selfish idea. Of course she should go to mass with you, because as the woman who loves you she should want to be by your side when you engage in something so meaningful to you. The reverse should also be true. There is nothing wrong with you going to her church with her after mass. It would be a wonderful and supportive gesture. Who really wants to walk in to church every Sunday alone, especially when they are trying to find a new one.

As for kids, yes you are obligated to raise them Catholic, but she is not obligated to not teach them her faith. If you guys are teaching them two different things chances are they will be lukewarm at best to any faith. So the matter of religion is something that needs to be worked out now with mutual respect and understanding. That means attending each other’s services, reading each other’s books, and having lots of long frank discussions (and respectful debates).

 

[1ke]

Not to make you an example of what happens when Catholics marry outside the Church but…

They did not marry outside the Church. The OP stated they went through all the proper channels to have a valid marriage in the Church. They married in a Protestant church but wtih dispensation to do so.