wife loves another man

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Have you offered it to the Lord in prayer? Pray for peace and relief from the suffering you are going through.

I will be praying for you and your family. Your situation is heartbreaking to me.

God bless you and keep you.
 
Your wife does not control her feelings. None of us do. This is not about feelings; it is about actions. If we act in the right ways, the feelings will follow.

What you and your wife need is INTIMACY. Real, deep sharing. You’ve talked to her about how hurt you are, but have you talked about feeling emasculated? Has she talked about her friendship with this other man as an addiction? If not, then you two are living in the same house, but living alone.

You say you don’t want to be a controlling husband. Good on ya, for that. We husbands are supposed to love, not control. Now think about the way you have been loving your wife. Is enabling this addiction loving her? I know that your intentions are good. But what you’re doing isn’t working.

I’m sure you feel insecure – gee, I wonder why. But I want you to know that you are more than capable of being enough for your wife. You are her man, and it is your job to help her get to heaven. You can do this, whatever it takes.

My prayers are with you, however you choose to proceed! Just don’t pretend like this whole situation is out of your control, brother!
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Ooops, I got carried away there, and didn’t even notice that I swore in the last post. 😊
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I don’t blame you. That is some seriously disrespectful behavior on her part. If she is “in love” with this other man, then the last thing she should ever do is reunite with him, spend time with him, etc. That is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.

Marriage is not just about love. People have become so selfish in this country. When you marry, you have an obligation to your spouse and children. That comes before everything else. To play games like this is terribly denigrating to her entire family, including herself.

Obviously they need to see a marriage counselor, but I don’t think anybody needs to be a licensed counselor to say she needs to cut off ties with this man. It’s destroying her marriage. Maybe she doesn’t care about that, but I hope she cares about her children. Their interests come first, and this jazz musician is not in their best interests. He is a threat to their interest in maintaining a stable and healthy home.

Lots of people have issues like this and they don’t treat their spouse like garbage. You just deal with it. Go to counseling and do the right thing by your spouse and children.
 
hlewis said:
I have seen fireproof and it’s been a while, I don’t remember it as much of a parallel to this situation, I wonder in your opinion what a fireproof response would be, I do tell her how I feel about it but I don’t want to be a controlling husband. her dad was a jerk that way and I feel like any movement in that direction will be calamity. I obviously sound like a wimp when I say that and maybe I am. I’m just bewildered and as you say I’m kind of emasculated by the whole thing. All I remember about fireproof is that the husband was kind of a jerk and then made efforts to resolve that. I’m trying not to be a jerk, I do admit that anyone who thinks I can’t take charge is absolutely right. I feel like I need to be confident in myself and just not feel threatened by her band/friend, but I feel threatened by her band/friend and it makes me not confident.
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This is at best a sort of theory, since I don’t know tou two, but here goes…

I realize she says the feelings are unwanted, but there seems to be a reason they continue to come up for her. It may be that she doesn’t realize that she actually can control them. She might consider that when the feelings arise, they are a temptation (not voluntary), but that when she gives in, she is sinning in her thoughts. Looking at the situation in a different way might help her to be able to control, not the instances of the feelings popping up, but how she deals with their popping up.

The devil will do whatever he can to lead us away from what is good in our lives. He sends a myriad of temptations our way, and we are caught by one (or more) of them, so then the devil focuses on that one (or more) temptation(s). Why send a temptation to steal or lie when this one works so well? I think if she looks at this “being in love” thing as a temptation it will help her.

You seem to have taken all this really well, and your wife seems to be doing her best to deal with this; the problem is she does not know how to deal with it better. I hope you two will be able to work this out so that your future together will be better for both of you.
 
Well have some mixed feelings about this whole thing, I feel a bit vindicated that everyone thinks this is a big deal, as I do, I also feel like it’s natural and human for everyone to jump on and support me and demonize her, take it easy folks. The love she feels for him is under her respectable control, she’d quit the band in a heartbeat if she felt like she was approaching a sinful relationship. I’m sure some of you ladies can understand that being a stay at home mom all week is a whole lot easier if you’re something else on the weekend, this sounds bad but she’s getting from this band (emphasis on band, not man) something that I can only give by supporting it. not to use a tasteless metaphor but I need to be the devils advocate here, and by devil I mean my wife who is not a devil. I feel conflicted in many ways, for example the cross between being emasculated by it while at the same time feeling like I’d be a wuss to not be able to handle my wife hanging out with her male friends.

Keep it coming folks! thanks for the encouragement and the tough love! lol.
 
hlewis said:
I have seen fireproof and it’s been a while, I don’t remember it as much of a parallel to this situation, I wonder in your opinion what a fireproof response would be, I do tell her how I feel about it but I don’t want to be a controlling husband. her dad was a jerk that way and I feel like any movement in that direction will be calamity. I obviously sound like a wimp when I say that and maybe I am. I’m just bewildered and as you say I’m kind of emasculated by the whole thing. All I remember about fireproof is that the husband was kind of a jerk and then made efforts to resolve that. I’m trying not to be a jerk, I do admit that anyone who thinks I can’t take charge is absolutely right. I feel like I need to be confident in myself and just not feel threatened by her band/friend, but I feel threatened by her band/friend and it makes me not confident.
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No your situation isn’t exactly parallel but it is one where there is another attraction involved for the wife. The ‘love dare’ is an exercise in selfless loving. It replicates the seducing love of God for us. I say it is ‘primal’ because we women respond primally to being seduced by love. I stress here ‘love’. Not ‘lust’ as used by a ‘cad’ or ‘bounder’ (to use traditional language. 🙂 )
 
Too late to edit my post, but I am a woman, despite my screen name here .

Annie
 
Prodigal_Son said:
There’s nothing wrong with selfishness. Your wife has a duty to make you feel loved, to the best of her ability. I think the voice telling you you’re being selfish is the voice of the devil, quite honestly. If your wife is seeking out her needs, and you are seeking out her needs, it’s awfully unlikely *your *needs will be met.
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I have to say I am in total agreement with Prodigal. Sincerely after reading all posts I think the best advice is for you and your wife to seek counseling.
 
St_Francis said:
No, an annullment has nothing to do with who one is in love with.
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In order for a marriage to be considered valid it must fulfil the following criteria called the
Essencial Marital Obligations:…opemess to children…permanence…fidelity…and mutual partnership.

Fidelity is lacking in the above “marriage”. She loved another at the time of her “marriage” and continues to love another. At the time of the marriage it seems clear that there was and continues to be an Intention Against Fidelity.

Any of these grounds invalidate a marriage at its beginning:cdop.org/pdfs/Grounds.pdf
 
TheBurningBush said:
Hi hlewis, you need to give your wife an ultimatum, she must choose between this man and yourself. I don’t think you see it but your wife is treating you very badly. You need to take a stand and forbide her seeing this man under any circumstance. If your wife chooses the other man, let her go and seek an annulment, yes an annulment because if she married you while still in love with another man then the marrage was never valid in the first place! If she chooses you, make sure she agrees to never see him again.
I wish you the best, and hope that you resolve the situation oneway or another.
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Disagree strongly. Trying to throw his weight around is going to end badly. You are encouraging the end of a marriage?
 
TheBurningBush said:
In order for a marriage to be considered valid it must fulfil the following criteria called the
Essencial Marital Obligations:…opemess to children…permanence…fidelity…and mutual partnership.

Fidelity is lacking in the above “marriage”. She loved another at the time of her “marriage” and continues to love another. At the time of the marriage it seems clear that there was and continues to be an Intention Against Fidelity.

Any of these grounds invalidate a marriage at its beginning:cdop.org/pdfs/Grounds.pdf
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If she fully intended to be faithful forever to her husband when they married, that is what counts, not her feelings about one man or another. One’s will and intentions are what matter, not one’s feelings.

If a person is having an affair at the time of the marriage and as no intention of ending it just because they got married to someone else, *that *would provide grounds for annulment, or if someone had no intention of remaining faithful, which would probably require independent evidence.
 
As a stay at home mom I can understand your wife’s need for “escape”. You seem to me to be extremely understanding and supportive. I am sure your wife is a good, respectable and trustworthy wife or else you wouldn’t be so conflicted. I highly recommend that she find a new outlet for her musical abilities, though, because even the strongest among us can and do fall.

I am not musically inclined, but I do love to sew, crochet, and do other crafts. The reason it would devastate me to give them up is because by doing them I feel as if I am accomplishing something. I work all day, every day, cleaning, cooking, running errands, paying bills, etc. and as soon as I’m done, the whole mess needs to be recleaned, someone is hungry, something else needs to be paid–you know the drill. I need to spend YEARS raising my kids before I can see if I did a good job at it. But when I finish a project I have tangible proof that I accomplished something and it turned out great. It brings a sense of accomplishment that most other things can’t. I am positive that this is the satisfaction you do not want to rob your wife of. I thank you for that. You are truly selfless and loving her. Still, she needs to find another way
 
Rete said:
Marriage is not just about love. People have become so selfish in this country. When you marry, you have an obligation to your spouse and children. That comes before everything else. To play games like this is terribly denigrating to her entire family, including herself.

Obviously they need to see a marriage counselor, but I don’t think anybody needs to be a licensed counselor to say she needs to cut off ties with this man. It’s destroying her marriage. Maybe she doesn’t care about that, but I hope she cares about her children. Their interests come first, and this jazz musician is not in their best interests. He is a threat to their interest in maintaining a stable and healthy home.

Lots of people have issues like this and they don’t treat their spouse like garbage. You just deal with it. Go to counseling and do the right thing by your spouse and children.
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I totally agree. Love is a choice, Faith is a choice, Marriage is a choice. One turns from self and turns toward the choice and sticks with it. As another poster said, she chose you. Period. The reality is that she has chosen a life with you and brought forth 3 beautiful children with you. “Feelings” are deceptive and selfish. Going back is not an option anymore. My opinion? She made a vow before the Lord with you. She has a life with you and your children. She should break off any contact with the “Other”, (even thoughts about said other). And if it means quitting her musical obligations if she cannot control herself, then so be it. I, too, am a professional musician and understand the situation. There will be other opportunities to make music. There are many ways that she can fulfill that musical need without putting her life in jeopardy. She only has one family. Good luck to you. I will be saying prayers for you, your wife and your children. 🙂
 
ok, so I have another fear, say hypothetically that I do convince or strong-arm or give her an ultimatum or whatever and she quits the band, she’s going to have to explain that somehow. It’ll basically force her to confront the truth with him, and maybe this is a good thing, and say “I quit, this band is bad for my marriage” kind of thing. I really don’t want to cause a ripple or a rift in his marriage with his wife either, and I’d think that my wife feeling unable to cope with feelings for this guy to the point that she has to cut him off would be just weird and raise new problems all around, he’d know that she’s got feelings for him in a very direct way I thinks, and if somehow she just avoided confronting it everyone would be left in a new weird limbo of wondering what’s going on and why… The possible upside of this is maybe since he and my wife and his wife are all good people in my book, maybe we just all need to know the situation and communicate and stop trying to pretend it’s not there… then again, maybe It’d tear two marriages apart… I think we’d withstand it, but I don’t know if it’d be a help or a hurt. you can see why I’m conflicted and feel like I have no good options.
 
You’re too concerned for everyone but your kids and yourself. You can’t please everyone and to try in a case that can have serious consequences for your kids is dangerous.

My 2 cents, and I will be praying for you.
 
You shouldn’t have to suggest that she leave the band. She knows you are hurt by her feelings for this man. She should want to stay as far away from him as possible. That is what a loving spouse does. You and your children should only come second to God. You shouldn’t play second fiddle to another man or a band.

You are going under the assumption that the man doesn’t know about her feelings and that his marriage is doing well. He probably knows and is either ignoring them, he feels the same way and isn’t doing anything about it or he feels the same way and they are in a relationship. Even if she hasn’t acted on her love for him, she is still having an emotional affair. Would she act on her feelings? I don’t know. I do know that she shouldn’t put herself in a situation of temptation. What would happen if the two of you had a bad fight and this man had a bad fight with his wife and the turned to each other for comfort bc they are friends? That’s a recipe for destruction.

I will be praying for all involved.
 
This is just out of curiousity to all those reading this thread. Do you know of any cases where one spouse openly admits to having a severe problem with loving another right from the start? I know of a couple of cases where a spouse has fallen for another after a number of years married… but I’ve never in my life, known of a marriage where from the get go, one spouse openly admits such a thing to a spouse, forcing them to accept that reality. Marriage is about ‘rejecting all other love’… not keeping a flame burning for someone else whilst making a family with another. Something is very toxic here. What can be done? Catholic principles need to be applied here and now for there to be any future in this marriage. Counselling is an urgent priority.
 
She has a responsibility to her children and to you. The reason she can give is that she cannot devote so much time to the band and will have to cut back on her commitment. This is the truth. Her children need their mother. She can tastefully withdraw slowly so that they get used to having another in her place without her mentioning any personal baggage that doesn’t concern the band. They can find a sub or an additional member for her position. In show business everyone is replaceable. She doesn’t have to discuss her feelings or her reasons with the band, the “Other” or his wife. It is none of their business. Assuming that music and self fulfillment are the only reasons for her dedication to the band, she can get another gig that will allow her to spend the time with her family and fulfill her musical passion.

The “Other” is married too. He and his wile should be off limits for her. She should respect his commitment to his family. Reciprocally, they should respect your family. I personally believe that there should be a mutual timeout for all parties. And then seek counseling. 🤷 Praying that you and you wife find a solution that is acceptable to both of you.
 
I am a woman, a stay at home mom, and I was married to a man i did not love at one point in my life. I felt like I was drowning and I tried to do the right thing, but failed miserably.No other way but to put it out there, I guess. I cheated. I not only cheated emotionally, but physically.

Now, I am not saying your wife is cheating or that she will cheat, but I can see how it could happen.

Even if your wife thinks she has a handle on things, she doesn’t. Love is a powerful emotion. She may not see a problem and think that she is never going to do anything physical with this man, but the reality is that she could find herself lost in a moment for a variety of reasons and end up sleeping with him. Trust me, it sometimes happens like that. It happened to me.

One day I left the house intending to get out and away from the cleaning and the babies and spend some time with friends. One of whom happened to be a male friend of mine and my ex-husbands. I knew I had feelings beyond friendship for him, but I was sure I could handle it. I was wrong. To this day I don’t know how it happened. One minute we were all a bunch of buddies having fun, the next I was alone with him and things were physical. The very next minute I was asking myself how that happened and how could I have done that.

Your wife and her friend are playing with fire and they will eventually get burned.
Falco said:
As you are also a musician, you will appreciate the** ‘emotional hothouse’ that the performing arts create, so having your wife in this environment, with someone she loves, is courting disaster.**

**It is possible to love two people at one time, but if you are not the ‘great love’, your position is in jeopardy when ever they meet. ** IF the love is one sided you stand a chance, but with this love being reciprocated, it is a conflagration waiting to happen. I could cry for you. I have seen this happen in theatre so often - **nothing beats the high of performance, and when you love someone who shares that high, it is intensified out of all proportion. **
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Yes! I would hazard a guess that her love of music and the high of performing is tangled up with her feelings for this other man. Each and every time they play together they are sharing something intense and that is only reinforcing the feelings your wife has for this man.
St_Francis said:
I realize she says the feelings are unwanted, but there seems to be a reason they continue to come up for her. It may be that she doesn’t realize that she actually can control them. She might consider that when the feelings arise, they are a temptation (not voluntary), but that when she gives in, she is sinning in her thoughts. Looking at the situation in a different way might help her to be able to control, not the instances of the feelings popping up, but how she deals with their popping up.
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Absolutely! She will naturally think of this man because she loves him. However, love that is not nourished will die. She has been nourishing this love in her head. Now she needs to learn not to do that and simply let the love die. It’s a conscious choice she has to make to nourish her love for you and let the love for the other man die. She has to realize she can control her feelings by controlling her thoughts. This man crosses her mind, she deliberately thinks of something else. Preferably something about you. After a time, the love for you is stronger and the ove for the other man is either gone or a pale echo…a memory of a feeling.
Monicad said:
I don’t know the logistics of your wife’s situation exactly…however what I do know is that people change jobs and careers and bands all the time. Your wife does not need to make a big emotional deal out of this airing your marriage troubles for goodness sake! All she need say is that she is the busy mother of three children and she is considering cutting back that is enough. Give the band enough notice, let them know her thoughts and they can audition for someone else…NO DRAMA.

Someone else just mentioned how odd it was that your wife admittedly loved this man and you knew about it, yet were forced to embrace her spending lots of time with this man. This does indeed seem rather toxic. Marriage has enough problems as it is just with everyday troubles, why add something like this into the mix? If your wife needs a creative outlet away from her children and she has God-given talents then she owes it to herself to find a healthy outlet for those talents. I cannot believe this band is the only outlet for her talents. Ask yourself if this man were not in the band would she be nearly as devoted to the band? Probably not. The band may be just as much an outlet for her feelings of love as they are for her feelings of musical talent and affirmation. This is sad indeed your wife is a beloved child of God her feelings of affirmation need to come from Jesus Christ and her family.

God bless you please be assured of my prayers you are not in an easy situation.
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Yup. You’re all grown ups here. There is no need for drama. But she does need to leave this band, allow the friendship between the families to fade away, and devote her whole self to her husband and family.

I know you don’t want to stop being friendly with the family of the man your wife loves, but better to let a friendship die than to risk two families being torn apart.
 
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